Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

That rings a bell here too - I think there's a disconnect between their idea of their children, and the ones they actually have.
I know DH still struggles to fully accept DS1 as he is, and wants to push him into how he 'ought' to be.
DS2 is awaiting assessment, and I know DH finds them both exhausting.
We were both had pretty strict parents, and it's hard to resist slipping back into those patterns when you're worn down and exhausted. I do feel like I have to micro manage DH's relationship with both boys, as when I step back it all blows up in his face.
I hope you have a rest at your mums OP and the distance helps you find some clarity. Maybe your mum/IRL friends can offer some honesty if you're open to discussing it with them?

Agreed.

@whineochoc so how much parenting does the DH do?

He'd probably do more if the OP didn't insist it was her way or the highway.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock so do you think that is why he stays in bed in the morning whilst she gets up to look after 2 children. Is it better the 3yo calmly plays with play dough while mum helps to get him dressed, or he gets pinned down whilst dad dresses him. Think I would be controlling if that was DH's preferred way of parenting

@SmashedPots, I have to say that by the point we separated, he'd also had two affairs that I know of, so it's a bit muddied by that - but I do know he undermined me with my oldest DC (who wasn't disabled) to the point that it was him and DC1 as a pair, and me with DC2 left behind.
The whole situation was completely toxic. I realised years later that he never really wanted children and resented the attention that they needed. Having DC2, who needed a lot of input from a small baby (and diagnosed at only four weeks old as having a severe disability), was more than he had the balls to deal with, so he withdrew, even leaving me to take DC to the GP and the next day to the hospital on my own (to find out what was going on) as 'I didn't need him to be there too'.
That's way off your experience probably, but gives you an idea of what my experience was. And because I was stressed to hell, worn out with worry about said DC, and trying to work full time once DC2 was a little older (we needed the money), gave him the perfect opportunity to gaslight me (and others) that I shouted all the time, could only talk abut work, etc.
Then he went on to shag the au pair, (possibly also one of the nannies, by this point we were 'comfortable' financially) and then the daughter of his mum's best friend.
I'd hung on for years, not wanting my DC to be from a 'broken home', but the affairs did it for me - I finally realised (yes I was a bloody idiot) that he had no respect or care for me at all - in his own words, he 'respected me as the mother of his children', and I told him I didn't want to be with him any more. Even then, he left in his own sweet time, three months later.
Don't be me.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock think you should take OP’s husband off her hands as you seem to be made for each other!

Yes people that have common sense are made for each other I guess.

I have ASD. I also know it doesn't mean you don't need discipline. And the irony of your post is that you seem to expect OP's husband to run her bath and acquiesce to everything she wants. Maybe you should be concerned at your own inner arsehole, since you think it's appropriate to be nasty and abusive to another poster who has a different opinion to you.

Maybe that's because OP has been forced, by the fact that her DH is as much use as a chocolate teapot, to find her own ways to make things work?
In OP's shoes, I think I too would refer to things such as my DC and my way - the DH has no part to play in those aspects of the DC's life that are difficult, choosing to either sleep or game.
He sounds like quite the catch, no?

@JennyNotFromTheBlock, I give up - you are determined to see what is not there.

1. Having your own DC who has autism is different to having ASD yourself.
2. I didn't say children don't need discipline. And OP is affirming a routine and set of expectations that she and DC can work with.
3. I don't expect OP's DH to run her bath for her, but would hope that a caring husband would show more love, respect and support for her than he is, as that is what any decent person would do. And no, I don't have an inner arsehole - mine is on the outside of my body and I don't feel the need to express myself through it.

Take that to mean what you will - I won't be engaging with you further other that to say you're trying to derail the thread with your own skewed idea of OP's intentions.

@SmashedPots, sorry.

Ah you're full of fucking shit. And clearly know bugger all about parenting children with SN.

1. So now you move the goal posts once you are told I have ASD.
2. The OP's child is not getting discipline from the mother, he is allowed to act out.
3. Your idea of love and respect is that he does everything she wants the way she wants.

And considering you basically derailed the thread by taking a personal shot at me and calling me an arsehole it's rich of you to act take umbrage at me having a right of reply and defending myself, like you're the perfect one and have the right to abuse people without them defending themselves. You're the one who singled me out and was abusive and nasty to me, so contrary to what you say, your 'inner arsehole' is well and truly on display and maybe you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to be so rude, nasty and hostile.

@vipersnest1 the poster you are engaging with has form for being very aggressive and argumentative their.posting style.
I hope op just ignores that shite because it's not worth the energy.

No I'm not, I just have a different opinion to you.

Oh the irony....

@Cheeeeislifenow, I've worked that out but thanks for the thought - and no, I'm not singling you out.
Fingers are firmly in ears and I'm saying 'lalala' as a distraction!

👏🏻👏🏻 well said @Cheeeeislifenow

DH came home with DS tonight, told me he witnessed DS being rammed by other boys with bikes and trikes at pre-school and DS just standing there looking bewildered and staring into the sky. Tried to talk more about this but DH giving one word answers and looking at his phone a lot. Tried to talk to DS but he isn't good with communication - says yes to everything, not sure he understands everything he says. Pre school have been rubbish with poss diagnosis - pushed for a diagnosis but me to talk to GP but they seem impatient with him.

This is shocking, can you give the pre-school a call?

Hope your mum is supportive today.

Your DH sounds like a Disney dad.
He likes the idea and status of having a child but doesn't want to do anything except show up for a photo op.
He likes the parts that make him look good.

If you plan to separate, there isn't really any way to do it without him having some type of reaction.
You can do a trial separation and see how things go.

Get some therapy for you and your son. Your son might be fine once he's out of the stressful environment and the bullies dealt with.

DH just left for work. He still hasn't really talked to me since it all happened. Just lots of one words and eye rolling.

I'm taking them to my mums today which is a bit of a drive. I'm meant to be working through all this - but just about managing to keep things ticking over. No big meetings over the next couple of days thank god.

Only thing DH said before leaving:

"Drive carefully. Don't get distracted like you do. Try to look after them for god's sake. Bye boys"

And off he went. I don't think he's made eye contact for 3 days now.

@Danni675 - agreed. I will call the pre-school today.

@SmashedPots he hasn’t spoken to you because he thinks this is all your fault and you haven’t apologised yet. If you were to sit him down and say you have had a think, can see where he is coming from and this is all your fault, he would “forgive you” and be back to normal. A load of bollocks

”Try to look after them for god’s sake”. He doesn’t consider everything you do for them as actually looking after them. The amount of mental gymnastics or narcissism required to hold this thought is breathtaking.

Going to your mum’s is the right thing to do and I hope you’re able to speak to her about this while you are there.