Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

Personally I think the person who does all the night waking and the entire morning routine is the one who gets to decide how that morning routine goes. The person who rocks up 5 minutes before leaving despite having been asked to get up earlier shuts up and goes along with it.

And if you read OP's posts, there's a lot more to it than this - this man has form for shouting, throwing and trashing things.

@enko I said it quietly in hope DS wouldn't hear.

Was DH unreasonable and out of order? Absolutely. However, you were passive aggressive and unundermining. Like it or not you and your behaviour has a part to play in these interactions. It's not all DH. Either have marriage counselling and both sort your shit out or end the relationship.

Do not know if this has been suggested but do you give your LO a warning that you are leaving in x number of minutes. Found this gives LOs a chance to get ready for the transition.

I find this thread astounding that this lazy man is being defended by so many people. Wouldn't everyone talk under their breath a bit if their husband behaved so badly- expecting things to be done his way when he has opted out of any parenting in the morning.

It's so depressing that it's 2022 and men are still allowed to opt out of parenting and it's still the fucking woman's fault for not doing it to his standard.

@SmashedPots - please report your first post and ask for this to be moved to relationships. As some posters have already made clear, they view threads in AIBU as fight club.

Don't engage. It's too important an issue to give oxygen to people who just enjoy throwing stones on AIBU. But as @Clymene says, this would be better in Relationships.

Again this is AIBU not relationships or other such forum

That's frankly only relevant for people who want to stick their boot in. Advice shouldn't change depending on the board it's being asked for. Neither should reading comprehension.

I am standing by my view. Simply because I said something and then didn't run off with my tail between my legs when others do not agree doesn't = I am enjoying throwing stones.

I am not claiming op is a terrible human being.

I simply have a different way of communicating. I think op could benefit from learning more effective communication.

I can see that you have a lot of stuff going on and due to this I am not aiming to make you feel shit. However, its not a productive way to communicate for either of you. If you have decided to leave him (and I think from another post you are at least considering this?) then can I suggest before you embark on another relationship you look into communicating effectively? The next time you go into a relationship you will be much better equipped to have a healthy and happy relationship.

Also and I have said this MANY times I do NOT think your dh acted well. Just I do not see this situation as black and white I see fault in both places. The one who will come out of this learning something is the one who is willing to try to aim to change and to work towards it not shouting or putting each other down.

If you just look at " point scoring" to see " I was right and he was wrong" this will repeat indefinitely. Is that how you want to live ? As it doesn't sound like it makes either of you happy.

I do wish you all the best

OP tried to talk to him about parenting in an adult way. He responded that she was talking jargon because she liked the sound of her own voice. There really is no communicating with someone like this, no matter how calm, reasonable and grown up OP is he won't listen and it'll be her fault he won't (as in - he will think/feel it is. Obv in reality it won't be)

Quite. @Enko appears to have missed that part completely.

I just don’t believe that. Everyone argues to various degrees It’s impossible not to get stressed and a small bit shouty with children.

I didn't miss it I do not agree she tried to talk to him about parenting in an adult way.

also known as I have a different opinion to you
it happens...

I will try to move the thread. Thanks for the advice. It just seemed to fit with AIBU but I can see it is more relationships.

DH came home with DS tonight, told me he witnessed DS being rammed by other boys with bikes and trikes at pre-school and DS just standing there looking bewildered and staring into the sky. Tried to talk more about this but DH giving one word answers and looking at his phone a lot. Tried to talk to DS but he isn't good with communication - says yes to everything, not sure he understands everything he says. Pre school have been rubbish with poss diagnosis - pushed for a diagnosis but me to talk to GP but they seem impatient with him.

DS then had two toilet accidents this evening which he hasn't had for months.

Feeling pretty rubbish. Taking DS out of pre-school tomorrow and taking me, baby and DS to my mums. DH just said "do what you want to do".

Thank you for all the advice :)

Evening all - we're just bobbing on here to say that we've moved this over to Relationships, as requested by the OP.

Hope that helps, @SmashedPots

So, so true. I am glad that OP has had this moved to Relationships, as it will at least deter random AIBU-ers from wandering in, having a pop, and wandering out again.

I didn't miss it I do not agree she tried to talk to him about parenting in an adult way.

Not by muttering, no - but afterwards as detailed in a later post.

I'm sorry today has been so hard @SmashedPots. Being the parent of an autistic child is one step forward and two back a lot of the time. And it must be even harder with your husband being so combative.

I'm glad you've had the thread moved. It should stop some of the more egregious arseholes.

Really hope your visit with your mum gives you some breathing space

Teamwork is crucial. Your husband needs to go to work and brings the child to school/class. This may be more stressful than he lets on. Ask him what it's like after a few🍷. Emphasis that you want everything to run smoothly.At the same time your child likes the playdoh stimulus/comfort. Maybe (after a nice dinner) have a family chat and work out suits everyone. Children like when adults listen to them. It sounds a bit twee but it's worth trying...

@SmashedPots, I've had a quick glance through your thread, and whilst you've said some replies are bouncing off you, I'm sure you're also scratching your head as to why on earth people would make the effort to make the posts they do, so I hope the move of your thread will help.
Moving on to why you posted, it seems you've had some great advice. I think being at your mum's for a while will bring how you feel into sharper focus, and might give DH a chance to reflect and to change. And, more importantly, if he doesn't, at least you can say that you gave him the space to, going forward.
I'm the mum of a (now grown up) disabled child and for clarity I should mention that I'm also divorced.
I'm the one who did all of the legwork with DC, and tellingly, they have always turned to me if there is something they are worried about, or need some advice. XH never really helped in a way that counted and was very selective in what appointments they attended - and always with me (never offered to do it on their own so I could have a break). I suspect (I'm pretty damn sure actually), that it was because professionals were involved and he wanted to 'show willing'.
I've no idea if that chimes with you, but it might.
As for his token effort, that was all it was - and even then he couldn't put your DS's needs before his own. That really tells you something important, as does his refusal to recognise your DS's needs.
If you have any worries about being a single parent, I'll tell you my experience - I realised (and we had been married a long time before we divorced) that actually,
I had really been a single parent all along, as I never got any support with my DC that would have been helpful and supportive.
I wish you the very best, whichever way your situation turns up out.

There's some typos in there, but I'm sure you will understand what I mean.

@Enko read OP's post from yesterday 19.33 re conversation about parenting (in which husband completely dismissed OP).

And work on your reading comprehension, maybe?

Well done getting this moved to relationships. Have a peaceful and calm time at your mum's so you have space to think.

I don't think his reaction was warranted at all. I think you were maybe using a strategy you know to be effective for your son and he hasn't found a way to deal with your son's needs yet. I have to say my other half has a way of making our DS have a tantrum over nothing usually in a situation where I have no issues with DS. I tend not to say anything most of the time because he also takes it the wrong way. Also effing and blinding at you in front of DS is totally unacceptable.

@vipersnest1 thank you for sharing that. Yes it definitely chimes. I'm not worried about being a single mum, but I am worried about having DH as an angry, bitter ex.

I actually felt quite baffled by DH in terms of appointments etc. He's very engaged in some ways...always looking at photos of DS saying things like "we are so blessed" "so proud of DS today" - but then I've been doing all the primary school admin of picking our preferences, trying to meet the sen teachers, reading the ofsteds, applying for an EHC plan, and not only does he not do it himself, he actually switches off when I talk about it. Like it quite obviously bores him.

I feel so incredibly disappointed in how things are turning out. I think I'm in denial a bit as DH can be so loving and fun and vocal about his love for his kids etc.

How was your ex when you told him it was it?