Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

I’m glad to see he’s remorseful

Based on my experience, this remorse will not cause anything about his behaviour to change long term. It will probably be narcissistic "oh poor me, I'm such a crap parent". The OP will be walking on eggshells meanwhile, waiting for the next explosion.

It doesn't matter what you did. Noone should ever go ballistic in front of his child.

I have never once shouted at my wife, let alone thrown things, and that goes double for in front of my kid.

I'm presuming this isn't a one off, and that it's something that you've become used to given the fact that you're having to even ask the question on here.

It's my understanding you were not asking for opinions on the play doh. And I'm quite shocked at the amount of responses alluding to possible justifications to his behaviour.

Wether you undermined him or not. He verbally abused you, in front of your small child.
He made an aggressive gesture, in throwing something very hard, associated with an emotional state your child was in, in front of your small child.
He then blamed you for that behaviour, using further abusive language, in front of your small child.

I don't think you need telling that the above is not acceptable. And yes, your poor baby, and poor you. Get out, or get him out. If he does this in front of him at 3 what is he going to be doing in front of him at 10?

Op I think it sounds like you are doing a great job. You know your child and are demonstrating great patience. I think providing playdoh is great for distraction and any anxiety. One thing that may be useful is a wait mat. A laminated sheet with the wait symbol. Then if you need him to put it down for a moment it goes on there and he gets it back eg after he has eaten his toast or put on his jumper. A finished bath is also great. A clear hanging bag with the finished symbol on it that he put anything in when time is up.

In this instance I think your DH was overwhelmed and lashed out possibly because ds wasn’t listening to him but maybe he feels ds listens to you. He was completely in the wrong and the swearing and throwing were bang out of order. If this is a one of you both need to be honest about how you are feeling and both get on board with the same routines for ds. If it’s not a one of I’d be considering if this is what I want my dc to be witnessing.

Why don’t people read all the updates and then post?

I have done all those things in front of my children. I am not proud of it and definitely regret it but sometimes it hard and sometimes we struggle and sometimes so does my DH. If it's not a regular occurrence I think it can put down to a bad day. Talk about it with DH, talk about it with DC, apologies where necessary, discuss how to deal with situations going forward. Parenting is hard

@Izitbedtimeyet there’s accepting that parenting is hard and then there’s shouting, screaming, swearing and throwing things in front of your toddler. It really isn’t ok and minimising the behaviour makes it difficult to address. You and your DH sound overwhelmed and may need help coping. Can you speak to your GP?

No advice to give, but some solidarity. I have one NT 3 year old so my load is much lighter, hence why I manage anyway. But I too have to deal with being shouted at, sworn at and called names for the smallest infractions or parental diagreements, for 'pulling that shitty face' and 'having that horrible look on you', all in front of DS. It's no way to live.

I don't care if u undermined him or not his response was completely out of order. For a typical child that's scary never mind a child with asd. DH needs to help more instead if appearing and expecting everything to be ready just because he is. If this is a normal occurrence I'd be packing his bags as its not acceptable

We're fine. It was one off - no sleep, bad day at work, kids being hard work etc. People get stressed. It happens. As I said if it's a regular thing it could be an issue, a one off can be put down to a bad day. Also - to clarify I never threw anything!

But it is a regular occurrence for the OP @Izitbedtimeyet. Please read all the OP's posts before dismissing an abusive man as stressed.

Please get out. Witnessing this happen will be damaging your child's psyche more than you know

If he does this in front of him at 3 what is he going to be doing in front of him at 10?

Unfortunately I know the answer to this rhetorical question.

OP I've read all your posts and some replies, but just wanted to say, you're on the right track. From what you say, you're responding appropriately to your son's needs, and finding a way that works. Many of those with only NT kids don't have a clue about reasonable adjustments. You can't do 'my way or the highway' rigid parenting with ND kids.

My ND eldest is now 11, and his DF still can't wrap his head around the fact that he won't just comply and do what he's told.
As we head into the teens, this is becoming more of a problem, not less. You can't pick a 15yo up and put them in their room when they won't do their homework, and spouting off about OTT punishments is absurd. "No TV for a month" type crap, from the parent who doesn't have to back it up, is ridiculous.
Calm and steady is what your DS needs,

@pointythings God - i'm sorry for what you went through - that sounds so difficult. I hope you and your DDs are all good now.

@VforVienetta it sounds like you're not with your DS's DF anymore? I can't imagine co-parenting with DH. Like it might even be more difficult than now. Having to negotiate with him. DS having two completely different parent styles depending on where he stays.

Problem is if I leave the room now, DS follows me most of the time rather than stays in the room with DH without me there. So what will he do once he realises he gets dropped off at DH house every week without me?? Scream and scream and it's just too upsetting to think about

Maybe DH will sort himself out if i leave.

@SmashedPots we're getting there, though DD2 has MH issues on top of the autism. I wasn't trying to scare you, only to point out that some people have a very rigid adherence to how things 'ought' to be done. My husband got worse the older he got so there's that to bear in mind as well.

@Fahrted I've read about doing that too - staying until they're old enough to say what they want and need but that feels like a very long time away. I'm sorry what you went through. I hope you and your DC are happier now. I would leave right now if I could guarantee that DH contact would be safe, but when I see DH throw stuff in a rage how can I leave him for a whole weekend??

Posted too soon;
My point was, your DH needs a full 180 change in his behaviour, parenting, and reaction to stress for your family situation to become positive. If he isn't capable of this, then I recommend figuring out alternatives. I haven't been able to find a way to make that work, but my DH does try to adjust his behaviour.
I lose my shit too, it's not all on him, but generally give my DC time to process and don't expect them to jump to attention etc.
If your DH can't even be bothered to get up and help in the mornings I highly doubt he'd want 50/50.
If you do consider separating, please start to make notes of relevant behaviour/dates in case you need to prove history of a lack of care/engagement with the DC.

Also- Sensory play to keep your son regulated during the stresses of the morning is 100% fine, please just ignore those that don't get it. They just can't imagine other people's households/DC being different to their own.

@pointythings DH is definitely getting worse with age. When we met - we had such a good time together. And with DS1 when he was a baby - DH did night cuddles, and play time, but now it's got harder with DS behaviour - he's become grumpier and grumpier, but also he just seems changed generally - stuck in his ways, mean about things on the news, doesn't make any effort with colleagues etc.

with my own dad - it was always like "ah dad is difficult, dad is grumpy etc" and it seemed just the way it was. but now i look back, actually he was pretty scary. but i look back and think would i rather my parents split up> I would have hated to have been dropped off to be with my dad all weekend without my mum there. we barely speak to each other.

There is no easy answer i guess.

Your H sounds very similar to my ex. I have a diagnosed ASD child and I didn't manage to leave ex until DS was 9. I will always regret having left it so long. I have a younger one who is awaiting assessment but he was much younger when I escaped and there is a marked difference between them - I can see how living with my ex and the abuse day to day had had a permanent effect on DS1.

It is hard 'Co-parenting' with ex, because he still doesn't appear able to prioritise his children's needs or even take them seriously as valid, but my kids now don't have to deal with that on a daily basis, and aren't exposed to ex abusing and belittling me in the home.

Yes - ex has a very different parenting style, but ime with 1, possibly 2 ASD children, they tend to compartmentalise and not expect things to cross from one setting to another. This can be challenging when they don't accept homework because school is where work happens and home isn't, for eg, it does mean they don't expect mum to act the same as dad when they don't live together.

Sorry OP, was slow typing!
We're still together, tho more like housemates that have to share a bed tbh.
Coparenting with DH could go either way tbh - he can be great with them, but other times reverts to authoritarian. He is prone to bitterness, so a split could be massively detrimental to all.
I've realised we're all ND of different types/combos - DH and I undiagnosed, tho I'm under assessment.
In an ideal world we'd live next door to each other, that would be great.

Did you read the part where the OP is up at 5.45 every day and her husband comes down at 7.30 and leaves at 7.35. He clearly isn't wanting any input in the morning routine is he?

@SmashedPots just out of curiousity, are you the poster whose DH had a strop and went swimming without the suspected ASD 3 yr old a few weeks ago?

Do you really think your DH is going to want whole weekends of contact?

I don’t mean that in a rude or snarky way, but the vast majority of times when I’ve seen a couple split and one of the children has extra needs or the likes the guy never ends up with 50/50 or full weekends.

They don’t want to do a half share of it now, why would they take full share after?