Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

He’s not going to go for 50/50. He doesn’t even get of bed in tbt mornings until 5 mins before he leaves.

”I’ll take the kids” and “I’ll want 50/50” is often used by abusive or controlling men as they know many, many women will think about that and decide the child is better/safer with them there full time rather than risk it.

How many men do you know that have 50/50 of their kids?

Also, toys before school is a no no, so I think you started this.

@MissMaple82 so OP's DS is supposed to just sit there doing nothing from when he gets up at 5.45 am until 7.30? What a realistic solution that is.

Also did you miss the bit about possible ASD?

“Yes I thibk you was. He was I the wrong for loosing his shit, but it sounds like you frequently undermine him and he's snapped. Also, toys before school is a no no, so I think you started this.”

OP I’m getting wound up by some of these posters on your behalf! The child wakes up at 5.45 and leaves at 7.30. Putting aside his additional needs and the reason you use play doh, what exactly is he supposed to do in that time if he is not allowed toys? Sit still and not be heard?

@SmashedPots His responses would mean it was time to separate to me. He would maybe have a chance to redeem himself and possibly eventually reunite after 6 months-a year, but that would be very unlikely.

I'm ashamed for throwing stuff and for shouting but I won't be made to feel bad about it by you"

So, he doesn't really feel all that bad about it then. Or he wouldn't have to be 'made' to feel bad about it.

@MissMaple82 this is abusive.

DH tries to get DS ready but he can't do it so he tries to force the clothes onto DS which causes a huge meltdown. Like pins him to the ground. I won't have that.

Ohmagerrd :(

OP, if I were you I would ask MN to delete this thread. There are far too many people on it who are not reading it through thoroughly. (This is me being kind to the hard of thinking on this thread who don't understand what it's like dealing with a lazy husband and a young child who may well be ND).

Jesus.....fucking read the thread... stop fucking minimising abusive behavior,
Stop, fucking making excuses for violent men.
I cannot actually believe the crap I have read on this thread.
Seriously op should spend her free fucking time looking up ways in which her 'd'h can be a competent parent to a child with ASD?
How about he gets off of his lazy arrogant arse and learns himself.
Except, I imagine he believes he is of course right, he is of course the big man who can just intimidate a small child to fall into line.
I'm so angry for you op. I never ever tell people to leave but honestly, he sounds emotionally abusive, intimidating, angry, a terrible father and an even worse husband.
I get the impression you know all of this. Research and get yourself organised to leave best of luck.

You are being a fantastic mum! You've found what works for your son. I don't get the controversy either.

It is clear that you can be quite a difficult person and that he just snapped

🤔

Agree with @pointythings to have the thread deleted. You’ve got enough going on without reading the mind blowing assumptions and misreading (generous reading of these 😳comments) of some posters.

Hopefully you’ve got a clearer sense of being neither undermining nor abusive. Just a good chance of a husband with undiagnosed ND issues. Best of luck.

Why are toys before school a no no? What else are they supposed to do for 2 hours?

Perhaps reading all of the OP's posts before commenting. The play-doh serves a need.

Her husband was also the one doing the undermining.

@SmashedPots i would start a fresh thread in relationships. Some posters on here are either not reading all your posts or have a very low bar for what they accept in a man

Fucking hell! You can't seriously believe this shite you're spouting?

Have you even bothered to read the thread?

Your DH needs to attend some kind of ASD parenting course. He absolutely has to understand why these strategies are used, and why they work.

I think you're reaching ultimatum time. If your relationship is to survive, he needs to get on board and be prepared to learn how to parent a child with ASD, and understand the diagnosis and how your child experiences the world. And if he isn't prepared to and there's ever a repetition of today, it's over.

That isn't a thoughtless LTB on my part, by the way. But I'm a career long teacher of autistic children, and I've seen what happens when one parent doesn't, and isn't prepared to, 'get it'.

OP I feel you, I really do. People don’t understand what it’s like when your day starts at before 6am!
it’s easy to say “no toys!” “I wouldn’t let my kid have play doh”
or “oh your DH is wonderful to help you by bringing him to school “
the reality is it’s exhausting to have done 2 hours of parenting before everyone else’s day even starts and then have it all undone by a screaming man child throwing their weight around because they expect everyone else to fit around their expectations of the “perfect” family.

Thank you, @saraclara . As the parent of an autistic late teen (very recently diagnosed) it's great to see an actual expert come on here. I hope the naysayers and handmaidens take note (they won't).

^this

I’m so glad that some of the utter shit drivelled on here has actually served to reinforce your belief in your appreciation, cause it is hard to read.

He sounds like a total waste of space. So much for remorse eh.

Jesus Christ.

No wonder men get away with such shit behaviour when people come out with apologist bullshit like this.

Toys before school is a no-no? What bollocks.

what is the kid to do for the two hours he’s awake before school while his father sleeps if he’s not allowed any toys?

It sounds like your husband is in complete denial about your son's ASD meanwhile you're doing everything you can to read up on it and put strategies in place to help. Which he then sabotages...and blames you for all of it.

I dont think this is something you can actually change on your own. If he wanted to change and to through intensive therapy then maybe.

I doubt he would go for 50 50. He doesn't even 'help'. He can't even get his son dressed without losing his temper

And surely he is undermining all your hard work and the strategies that actually help your son cope? I cant believe all the 'but he shouldn't have playdoh before school' bollocks.
He is 3
He has ASD
Playdoh keeps him calm
He has a couple of hours to fill before school

Of course you give him the bloody playdoh. And your husband is a dick for taking it off him.

Curious though as to why when he has said he will take the baby in the morning, you havent just gone and woken him up and handed the baby over?