Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

I will never not be shocked at the lengths some women go to to excuse the poor behaviour of men.

Jesus Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey. Does this poster think it's the bloody 1950's. ?
Off you pop you sexist maniac

Your husband was bang out of order for telling you to fuck off and throwing things on the floor and he needs to apologize for his own tantrum but it seems like there are several issues at play.

1- if your DH wants DS to be ready by a certain time he either needs to help, or need to accept your way of doing things.

2- you/your DS also need more structure. If you do know that he is leaving for school at 7:35, he needs to be ready (both physically ready and emotionally prepared) at 7:35. It means that maybe you start with the getting dressed routine at 6am, and let him have the playdoh as a reward for being dressed (not as a way to encourage him getting dressed). And then at 7h15, have DS put a 5 minutes timer and explain to him that when it rings it means it’s time to put the playdoh away and put his shoes on and jacket on and wait for daddy and he can maybe pick a toy from the toy box for the car (have a toy box in the car so he can pick one as he gets strapped in that will get him excited to go to the car.)

As for tonight I would have a sit down with DS and the two of you where you explain how you all reacted very badly this morning, DS for throwing a tantrum and refusing to leave the playdoh when it was time for school, you for saying the opposite of DH when he was right that if it’s time for school DS needs to stop playing to finish getting ready and out of the door, and DH for saying bad words and throwing the playdoh on the floor. And go over things you can and will do differently in the future (including setting a timer and not letting him play before he is ready for school etc…)

Because while your DH was absolutely wrong to lose his tamper and what he did is an absolute no, I too would be really annoyed if you had just given DS more playdoh to play with 5 minutes before he is supposed to leave for school (because it’s setting him up for a tantrum.) at the time he asked you should have said « No DS, in 5 minutes you will go to school so I can’t give you more playdoh but you can chose a book to take to school while I clean the playdoh away. »

Shouting, swearing and throwing things in front of children is unacceptable .

My partner can piss me off at times but I am responsible for how I react, his actions are not to blame as I am a functioning adult.

Your partner needs to take responsibility over his actions. This is not an acceptable way to speak to you in front of your DC.

Thanks for all the advice.

I am talking to DH tonight. He's been v apologetic. He says I make him feel "unsafe" and that he loves me but he feels got at.

To be honest I don't care too much about how he is feeling. I just need to find a way for DS to never be exposed to that ever again. DH got a pot of playdoh and smashed it on the floor as hard as he could shouting "both of you can have the fucking playdoh"

I grew up with a very angry father. I'm disgusted at myself that its now going on in my house

A lot of you think it's my issue for not getting DS ready on time...and honestly...you've all helped me realise how much I disagree with you all. I do everything for my kids. I pay for everything. I manage everything. DH expects to sleep until 7.15am and then be presented with a tidy dressed sweet little boy to drive to school. He can either get involved and help or he can leave us all alone.

What does DH bring to the family @SmashedPots If you do everything and pay for everything what does he contribute?

You make him feel unsafe? How the hell does he think you and your son feel when he shouts, swears and throws objects?! What a self centred abusive and manipulative twat.

You and your DC deserve much better. Please don't let history repeat itself.

His use of unsafe is very interesting. He’s playing on you because none of us like the people around us to feel unsafe.

However, the fact that his apology comes with a “but” is very telling. It’s essentially pushing the blame over to you.

In your shoes I’d seriously be considering separation. See how you get on without him (I’d bet your home would be less tense) and let him see that this is a line that you will not accept him crossing.

Yeah. I thought him saying he feels "unsafe" was pretty strange. I've got a "look on my face" but he is the one thrashing around the house, throwing stuff, shouting, swearing. He can be pissed off at me but it's his reaction that was scary for our son

I do everything for my kids. I pay for everything. I manage everything. DH expects to sleep until 7.15am

He seems pretty useless.
Doesn't he work? Why isn't he paying for anything? He seems more of a hindrance than anything else.

His reaction was appauling and I'd tell him he needs anger management for it.

The cheek of him to say he feels unsafe after that explosion. That just makes me feel his apology wasn't sincere. Unless you present that this behaviour is an absolute dealbreaker and coitus end your marriage, he won't take it seriously.

Sounds like he's an abusive arsehole

I am glad you are seeing your H for the useless selfish parent and partner he is currently being.

I'm really glad you've found your anger, OP. It doesn't surprise me to hear you grew up with an angry father - we do tend to repeat the patterns of our childhood - but you've seen the light now.

Oh, and in case you had any doubt about where I stand on this: you were 100% not in the wrong here.

@nutbrownhare15 he sounds like a lazy abusive arsehole.

Anyone who is still defending him really need to take a long hard look at themselves

@SmashedPots interesting word choice there, ‘unsafe’. That kind of anger/rage your DH displayed is emotional dysregulation. I’m pretty sure I have ASD and have screamed and stamped my foot in the past in a similar way - and I think under the rage is fear. It is really terrifying to feel so out of control with your anger.

Is your DH so sure he’s NT? How was he parented? Most importantly, is he open to do the hard work to open that box and actually change his behaviour? That’s the key one there.

No, I don't think he's NT @pandarific

He grew up in a household with a very mentally unwell older brother - v paranoid, lots of awful stuff, dad accused of being a molester (not true), foster kids who used to do all sorts, religious parents.

I have been trying to get him to therapy for years but nothing. He works non stressful job to help him. But he thinks the problem is me. I'm v calm. Possibly a bit soft but loving, calm, works hard, head screwed on.

@SmashedPots A-fucking-men to everything you said. I’m glad that posting has helped you process the morning. Putting aside any additional needs, you have a child who is at an age where he lacks impulse control/has tantrums which is obviously difficult but it’s made even harder by having to also deal with a supposed partner who similarly lacks impulse control.

I am so relieved that you are not taking notice of his bullshit.

He feels "unsafe"🙄.

He knows well he is a violent abusive man.

You do and pay for everything?

You poor pet.

Please show some of the kindness, understanding, and compassion you show to your child, to yourself.

You sound like a wonderful woman and mother.

You come from an abusive home, you definitely do not want this for your children.

He is highly manipulative, abusive, and controlling.

His unsafe remark is beyond disgusting.

Please tell people the truth.

This is not a man you want to remain living with.

He's only crying for himself.

Abusive men only cry for themselves.

He has a nerve claiming that he feels "unsafe" after his display this morning. I'd be tempted to say to him "You're an adult. Your feelings are not my problem. Your behaviour and its effect on our DC is. You may have felt "unsafe", whatever you mean by that, but we were the ones left fearing physical violence from your loss of temper".

It's outrageous that he's trying to put the blame for his actions onto you.

Ah, okay, I thought it sounded like something like that. He really, really, REALLY needs to go to therapist specialising in CPTSD then. As unfair as it is, this is HIS burden to manage - your child absolutely cannot suffer because of it.

The being lazy in the mornings - I’d also question why he is being avoidant? Is this just him being lazy, or is he trying to avoid ds, because it’s painful seeing a younger version of him that brings up these emotions, so like you said he’d rather just ignore and be presented with an all ready child - much easier.

I think only you know him. How much does he love you all and how much can you rely on him sorting this out? Ask him?

If play dough keeps a child who has suspected sen calm enough that he gets dressed and has breakfast before pre-school go for it. My son has Asd and for years he'd be so distressed before pre-school and school as he found transition extremely hard so I used anything that made the morning easier for us both. He used a scooter to get to school as he could use it to self regulate emotions he was not equipped to deal with. We had a sticker chart where he got a sticker for getting dressed, a sticker for breakfast and a sticker for putting coat and shoes on in morning then same kinda of thing afterwards etc etc, he knew if he got I think it was 5/6 sticker he got a reward from mummy reward bag. I made sure we had time to cuddle and reassure him I'd still be here when I picked him up. Yes he should of been able to do all that without a reward but his additional needs meant it wasn't possible so I developed strategies to make our days easier. I'm now teaching and supporting children with additional needs and the same strategies are use but altered to their needs also work. Play dough works for your child so I'd fully use it to your advantage. Your husband reaction will make your son feel unsafe so he will learn to mask his emotions and needs until he no longer can then it will result in a major meltdown. Your husband behaviour needs addressing even if you were undermining him (I personally don't think you were) that behaviour is not acceptable from a grown man in front of a child. If a child talked about that at my school and demonstrated the throwing of playdough, I'd be duty bound to report worrying behaviour at home and Inform the dsl in my setting.

@finallyme2018 I actually just said to DH that what happened was dysfunctional and if DS told his pre school teachers it would definitely be flagged. He laughed and said "I'm sorry for losing my shit but the idea anyone would be interested in the fact I threw a pot of play doh at the floor is laughable. Have u seen the news?"

I suggested talking about parenting strategies and he said "sounds like jargon so you can listen to your own voice"

Fair to say not going well so far.

Your husband is nasty!
What was all that about crying in work if now he seems to be backtracking.
I honestly would leave him for that if he cannot change his bullying ways.

He is very much wrong in that whilst yes it wouldn't be where we contact social services. We document it on c-poms and if the child demonstrate further worrying behaviours etc, then it would all be looked at to see if the family needed extra support and we'd be keeping close eye on the child for the foreseeable future.

Honestly some parents/dads never make the adjustments needed to their parenting style to adapt to an SEN child.
It was so much trial and error in first few years with my DC. We eventually got there but his dad never got it. I gave him books, suggested articles to read etc. I was told that I was being ridiculous.
OP being passive aggressive doesn’t help however if your DH way is causing harm to your DS or hindering his progress then I get it. I am naturally a chaotic last minute person but that can’t happen anymore as DC needs calm and structure.

It’s not unreasonable to expect a dad to adjust to suit his child’s needs.