1st break up since marriage ended

[Whynowffs]

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

Another one bites the dust

Keep yourself busy doing the things you like doing. It's a blessing in disguise I think, if he can end it so easy then was he really interested?

Could also be he isn't over his wife and therefore you questioning his meal out with her (and child, who is how old?) was a bad move.

It is what it is. Put your big girl pants on and get back out there.

That had crossed my mind, maybe he has been looking for a reason to end it and I just gave him one.
Perhaps I have been reading it all very wrong ☹️.
I know it sounds pathetic and there are people going through so much worse, I just feel so sad and can't bear to think I'll not see him again.

Onwards OP.
You sound very low which is totally understandable.
Sorry this has affected you so badly.

I feel for you, it’s horrible when you’re in this position. Take some time to yourself, as you say maybe you jumped into a new relationship too soon. When you’re feeling up to it get back out there and enjoy some dates

Its crap OP. Its ok to be sad for a while but not for too long. The sooner you recover the closer you are to finding someone better suited x

@Whynowffs

I think you need to learn to be on your own for awhile. Enjoy being single as I don't think your ready to go straight into another relationship so quickly.

Thanks for your replies. I know I do need to get used to being single, or alone as I see it. It terrifies me!

OP that sounds really hard. I split from ex H over a year ago (after 20+ years together) and have not dated anyone yet, I wouldn't know where to start! Being single is AMAZING I promise you.

I think that the first relationship we have after a divorce when it breaks up carries some of that "divorce hurt" .We think " oh there it goes again/life kicking the shit out of me". We made an effort and looked what happened. We had been optimistic for a future. When it happened to me I was bereft but I carried on and am now married again to a wonderful man. It does get easier and look at it this way - you have shown that you can love or feel again. You're not one of those who stay a victim because of a twat of an ex. I did some CBT counselling and a mindfulness course.

Give yourself some time. He will no doubt kick himself .. usually they do it when you've moved on.

OP for what its worth its good it ended now. Its perfectly reasonable in a new relationship especially if you meet OLD to feel 'drinks with an ex' would be a boundary problem for you, it would cause most to question what the dynamic is there. The fact he didn't just explain DC was there too, and reassure you, tells me that relationship was going to be a problem long term. It is hard though, the first relationship ending post divorce does seem to be a bit of a doozy. Take care of yourself

Thank you all.

He has asked that we meet for a chat and keeps asking if I'm ok. Sending me messages as if nothing has happened.

I am going to meet him as I would rather say goodbye in person if that's what happens. But if he tells me that he wants to see how things go for a while longer I'm not sure what to do. I know how I feel about him so I would expect him to know how he feels about me.

Or is 6 months (almost) not really long enough to gauge how well you're suited when you're only seeing each other a couple of times a month?

You only saw him a couple of times a month? Were you happy with that? I think the 6 month mark is significant in a relationship and is often the 'stay or split' time. It sounds like he cares about you, but don't give in too easily if he's trying to get you back. Tell him you're hurt, you think he was unfair. It might well not be over...perhaps you triggered something in him such as being a 'jealous' partner which he didn't like in his ex. He prob didn't mention his child would be there bc it didn't occur to him that there was an issue.

@Northernmumoftwoboys thank you. I think he has massive trust issues, his ex wife cheated on him and it's left him admitting he can't go through being hurt again.
But this is the opposite, he's really annoyed that I came across as not trusting him ☹️

I have to say that that is the exact way that some men play it - they make you feel as if YOU are in the wrong. It's never them. You are already making excuses for him. Of course you are going to meet him because you want to see him and you will end up having sex with him and back to square one - except it's further back than that as he is now calling the shots. Your experience should tell you that you deserve better so I hope that when you DO meet him you lay it on the line with him and tell him to not fuck around with you. I somehow don't think you will though. He sounds like he wants to run the show and he has already displayed that. Many of us heave been there and sadly it usually has to get really bad before we finally take control and kick them to the kerb.

Sounds like he's starting to try stringing you along??

Don't let that happen - however tempting it is.

My first BF after my divorce also hit me really hard when it ended - so I think it's pretty normal. I was only seeing this guy for a few months and when it ended I was absolutely flawed.

I agree with others suggestions of spending some time getting used to your own company - and being happy in your own self.

After a bit of a break I went back to online dating and eventually met a lovely guy who I'm now in a committed relationship with - nearly 3 years now and I couldnt be happier.

Be kind to yourself - but dont spend too much time trying to go over the reasons why this guy has ended things.

No, after 6 months of seeing him occasionally, you can't be sure you'd get on. You might be well suited, you might not.

The first time I dated after a similar length marriage was an odd experience for me, too; much too intense and exciting for what it was. I wasn't even looking for a committed relationship, and he was clearly a player, but I lapped it up and had a great time. I felt in love - but I think I was just in love with having a fun time with a new man, going new places and feeling fanciable. It was like being starving hungry and having a McDonalds - tastes delicious but ultimately empty calories :)

I do need to get used to being single, or alone as I see it. It terrifies me!
This guy has occupied your mind so that you didn't have to face up to your fears, or your future, or the loss of your past. No wonder you're devastated now. Even if your marriage wasn't wonderful, it was once your happy ending, wasn't it?

My exh hated the idea of being alone, and has made some pretty poor choices of partner as a result. Don't be him! Get some therapy, learn how to enjoy being yourself and having your own life.

It's really helpful reading your replies, thank you.
I do need to be strong and remind myself that I still have some self worth left in me!

In one way I'm hoping that we meet, he explains that he's not feeling it and that we should move on. This way it's crystal clear and although I will remain distraught, it's final.

If he says he doesn't know what he wants etc (as I predict) I'm not sure I have the strength to walk away. I know in my head that is absolutely what I should do in order to protect myself.
I'm going through a really difficult time as just moved out of our marital home and can't believe he's chosen this time to tell me we're not right together ☹️

If he says he doesn't know what he wants etc (as I predict) I'm not sure I have the strength to walk away.
If you're right and he's about to do that, then he's not good partner material and you don't need to meet up.
If you're wrong and he's just saying goodbye then you don't need to meet up.

Stop thinking of yourself as a helpless victim, take matters in your own hands and tell him you don't want to meet up.

@80s what a truly want is for him to apologise for being a dick, and tell me that he really does see a future with me.
So I suppose if I'm being honest that is why I want to meet him.

I'm deluded aren't I!

Of course you do! Many of us been there and sometimes you just have to go through it!

We met in June, I asked casually in July what he wanted. He replied at that time that he didn't really know, that it's just been him and the kids for so long. He asked me the same question and I replied that I honestly didn't know and that my head was a bit of a mess.

In September I suggested that it felt a bit one sided and that maybe we should call it a day. He didn't agree and asked if we could go on a few more dates. I made it clear that once a month wasn't enough time with him for me and that going forward it would need to be more. He's made more effort the past month in that regard. Until now 😞

You just want to have a lovely future with a lovely partner. Don't we all! But you're especially vulnerable to someone seeming to offer that right now, so you need to look out for yourself.

he's really annoyed that I came across as not trusting him
I agree with the poster above that he's making you feel bad about yourself. And you say he has massive trust issues, which you must have noticed from his behaviour, so he is not yet in the right place for a nice, healthy relationship, is he?
Six months in, a dozen dates and he's playing hot and cold and you feel awful.
You're footloose and fancy free after 20 years, you could be seeing anyone, and this is what you choose? You could be having fun.

And he's been feeding you breadcrumbs of a relationship, once a month? Have you seen his wife? Was it definitely her with the affair? She was definitely not just away for the weekend?

@80s yes it was definitely her. She now lives with a new partner.
By his own admission his life is his kids, which is a lovely thing, but no good for me unless something changes. And I doubt that he wants it to.
My DD is my world obviously, but I could make time for him!