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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

1st break up since marriage ended

168 replies

Whynowffs · 21/11/2022 19:17

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

OP posts:
80s · 28/11/2022 11:48

Would the night out perhaps be a chance to get a bit of real-life sympathy or just have others curse the whole world of relationships?

JackandVera · 28/11/2022 13:31

Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 11:40

I was really upset with his reply last night, but now I see that he must have some respect for me to be honest. He could have easily said yes let's carry on, getting what he wants when he wants but he did end it.

I have a night out planned this coming weekend but I really don't want to go, I just feel so, so sad.

He could have easily said yes let's carry on, getting what he wants when he wants but he did end it

There is that aspect to it but there is also the aspect that you were getting "difficult" and he couldn't be arsed to handle that. Men like that like to have complete control over you.

Cluelessdiyer · 28/11/2022 13:34

This reply has been deleted

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supercali77 · 28/11/2022 14:50

@Cluelessdiyer Barely a couple of weeks back he was suggesting telling the kids. Now he's calling it all off because OP was upset about him meeting an ex for drinks. Its hardly the actions of a straightforward man

BelgiumArse · 28/11/2022 14:51

You sound absolutely distraught.

Draw a line under this, no good will come from anymore negotiatons with him.

I know it's painful but this man does not love you, you really need to see him for what and who he is, he has deceived you and it looks like you threw yourself into this without protecting yourself.

You will heal but only of you go NC any short term easing of the pain by contacting him will only hurt you further.

Time to self heal, look after yourself and lick your wounds, you will eventually build back up.
What are your living arrangements now you have left the marital home, have you got the finances sorted with your ex husband with the house, maybe put your energies in creating a safe envioroment for you going forward.

So focused have you been with him has clouded your mind to other friendships with men, you will meet others in future, he is not the only fish in the sea, you just can't see the possibilities or hope yet, but you will do in time.

Cluelessdiyer · 28/11/2022 15:07

@supercali77 op is the not straightforward not being able to cope with him having a drink with his ex wife he shares a chold
with!

i really can’t see that he’s done anything wrong

he said he wasn’t sure how he wanted it to go. It looks like it might be progressing so they discuss introducing kids. Then OP turns out to be of a bunny boiler and has further demonstrated emotional instability.

it’s just so unhelpful to try and blame the man when the woman so clearly has issues herself.

Cluelessdiyer · 28/11/2022 15:08

The OP is looking to this man to heal all her emotional wounds.

it was never going to end well.

BelgiumArse · 28/11/2022 15:26

He's turned out to not be her knight in shinning amour.

supercali77 · 28/11/2022 15:50

@Cluelessdiyer I dunno if you've ever done modern dating but early days going for drinks with the ex is something most people will consider pause for thought. Whats the nature of that relationship?. Are they actually genuinely separated? You see, you've usually (online dating) no social proof they're seperate. So its a thing you need to at least ask about. This is not proof a woman is a bunny boiler ffs.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/11/2022 16:03

I mean this kindly, OP, but am really perplexed by how distraught you are. You barely know the man, six months of occasional dating is nothing. Why have you given him such a prominent place in your life? And so much power over your emotional state?

Mild disappointment, I could understand, but repeated rounds of crying/sobbing, hysterical texting, hanging on and on hoping for a word from him, being jealous of his ex .... again, you barely know the man. The reaction is way OTT for the circumstances. Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme and/or getting some CBT counseling? I am concerned for you.

Original poster
Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 16:50

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I am concerned for myself, I cannot handle this and am struggling with everyday things. I cried all day at work and haven't eaten properly since Saturday morning. I was hoping today might have been easier.
I can't stop thinking about him and can't bear the thought of never seeing or speaking to him again, he's just been wiped from my life 😞.

@BelgiumArse I'm living with my parents temporarily while I look for a new home. I'm back in my old bedroom crying like a teenager and feel distraught.

@Cluelessdiyer I am not a bunny boiler, I just let myself fall massively for a man who pursued me when I was in a very fragile state. I honestly don't think he intended to hurt me and said he had hoped it would all work out. Maybe I'm a fool for believing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 16:51

Please can I ask what is the Freedom Programme?

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 28/11/2022 17:11

OP, it sounds like you’ve been through too many loses in a year and this man was the straw that broke the camels back. You lost your marriage, your home, you were left in a very fragile state and you got dumped by someone you really fancied. Anyone in your situation would be pretty devastated. Too many loses and life changes together. I don’t think your mourning this man but “your life as it was”.

I don’t think you’re ready to date OP, (this man probably sensed that too). I think you need to take a break, mourn the loses and make a plan of what you want. Once in a stronger position you will be able to date, face rejection and all the inevitables that come with OLD. Right now you’re too vulnerable.

Original poster
Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 17:17

Thank you @Sandra1984 I definitely can't face any further rejection and I don't want to meet anyone else for a long time. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous but he has broken my heart.

I wasn't even looking for anyone when I met him, that's the awful thing. We met at a friends house and connected, he messaged me the minute he got home and we never stopped, every single day until today 😞. I wish he'd have left me alone back then as looking back it was all too soon.
I guess if I'm honest I was hoping he was my happy ending and I fell in love with not only him but that idea.

OP posts:
BelgiumArse · 28/11/2022 17:18

I agree with @Sandra1984

Too many losses, forgive me if I've missed this but do you have children ?

Are your parents supportive ? Maybe you need to make a gp appointment, your grief is palpable, maybe a few days off work, but you really need to get some food down you, get some fortisips or something to get the vitamins in you, otherwise you will become ill especially in this weather with the flu season upon us.

Is there an age gap between you and this man?

Original poster
Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 17:33

@BelgiumArse I have a DD who is at my parents with me. She keeps asking why I look so sad 😞. She knew nothing about him.

My parents are amazing, I don't think they can understand why I'm so devastated about him though.

I think I need to keep working as I'll go crazy otherwise, but maybe some medication may help. I will just feel so ridiculous telling the gp why I'm so upset.

He was 4 years younger than me x

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 28/11/2022 19:14

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/11/2022 16:03

I mean this kindly, OP, but am really perplexed by how distraught you are. You barely know the man, six months of occasional dating is nothing. Why have you given him such a prominent place in your life? And so much power over your emotional state?

Mild disappointment, I could understand, but repeated rounds of crying/sobbing, hysterical texting, hanging on and on hoping for a word from him, being jealous of his ex .... again, you barely know the man. The reaction is way OTT for the circumstances. Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme and/or getting some CBT counseling? I am concerned for you.

This^

I am totally confused by your complete over reaction

Please get some help, counselling, therapy whatever it takes , to get yourself back into proportion with this

What you are doing - all the crying and feeling hopeless - isn't reasonable after knowing and seeing him for such a short time

Original poster
Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 19:19

There must be something very wrong with me? Has nobody else experienced this after a similar length thing?

I honestly feel as though my heart has been ripped out, which I never felt at the end of my marriage.

OP posts:
Cluelessdiyer · 28/11/2022 19:30

this is a displaced reaction to everything else that has happened in your life - over a very long time including childhood id say

its not about this man OP

you need to find a good therapist

and some antidepressants from the gp would
pronably help

BelgiumArse · 28/11/2022 19:33

You say you have only been seeing him 6 months and only a few times per month, if you counted how many times have you actually seen him ?

Maybe we could tell you whether this is out of proportion.

For 6 months with seeing someone as lttle as a couple of times a month, it seems so.

80s · 28/11/2022 19:34

I don't think it sounds that odd considering the details you've given us about how you met in this exciting way, he appeared to be really into you (sounds like lovebombing maybe?), it felt like a lovely new start (rather than a sad end to your marriage), you were vulnerable so fell in love really hard (others like me have agreed the first time after a long marriage tailing out can feel very intense), you feel as if you've done something wrong to make him end it, you've just gone through the massive stress of selling up and now you're living in your old bedroom at your mum's ... who wouldn't be crying in that situation? The only thing that seems odd to me is that you are blaming your feelings entirely on the end of this relationship.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/11/2022 19:38

Cluelessdiyer · 28/11/2022 19:30

this is a displaced reaction to everything else that has happened in your life - over a very long time including childhood id say

its not about this man OP

you need to find a good therapist

and some antidepressants from the gp would
pronably help

This is excellent advice, @Cluelessdiyer

OP, I think a counselor / psychotherapist could really help you.

Life is too short to be this upset for days on end. A new romance isn't the answer to what ails you.

YOU provide the happy ending for yourself; no one else can do that for you. Trite but true.

Quiegal · 28/11/2022 20:27

Whynowffs · 28/11/2022 19:19

There must be something very wrong with me? Has nobody else experienced this after a similar length thing?

I honestly feel as though my heart has been ripped out, which I never felt at the end of my marriage.

There's nothing wrong with you.

The relationship I got into after child's father. I was completely heartbroken and realized I never loved my child's dad.

I can honestly say that pain was like no other.

amiold · 28/11/2022 20:30

There is nothing wrong with you.

You cannot put a time on feelings.

Some people divorce after years and don't care. Some people marry after 3 week. You do not have to justify your feelings. You feel like you feel. The issue with mumsnet is lots of uneducated people want to offer ram their nonsense down your neck professional advice when half of them aren't qualified to walk a dog

I can remember being very upset after splitting with someone I'd seen for a few months. It was the end of a long list of things going wrong. I burst into tears at s friends party over nothing (the shame!). Luckily they were all lovely and we had more wine! Another friend then told me "this isn't about xyz" I said it is! She said "it isn't it's about xyz" and maybe she was right. Cut yourself some slack

waterrat · 28/11/2022 20:48

Op im going to say something you wont believe now but I promise may be clearer later when you recover

This man is not the nice perfect guy you think he is..

He has ended a happy relationship over a minor tiff. A really small row that if he loved you he could have understood and worked on with you.

I dont believe anyone ends a relationship over something so minor.

He isnt sure of his feelings..or he isnt over his marriage and he is using this as a get out