1st break up since marriage ended

[Whynowffs]

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

My dp of almost 6 years has a 13yo half the week, we have a live-together-apart relationship, but that means we see each other 3 days a week and make the most of that time. I honestly spend more time with him than I did with my exh! That kind of setup can work if you want it to. It sounds like this guy is not willing to commit much time to you. You want different things.

@Whynowffs thank you. I think he has massive trust issues, his ex wife cheated on him and it's left him admitting he can't go through being hurt again.

@Whynowffs He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife.

You realise there's something very wrong with the above right? Its sounds to me like he's BS and manipulating you

@Whynowffs He has asked that we meet for a chat and keeps asking if I'm ok. Sending me messages as if nothing has happened.

he also gaslights you. I think you need to steer away from this man OP. He sounds like very bad news.

Everything happens for a reason.

I personally wouldn't meet him for a chat and delete his messages........go 'cold turkey'.
Try to enjoy being single for a while.

I think the reason you're so upset is that with your marriage it felt like a mutual decision whereas in this case it feels like you've been dumped? Always more upsetting when it's not your choice!

It sounds like he's sending you mixed messages, I would tread carefully OP.

Well that’s you in your box, you won’t ask again will you. I’m guessing he’s in it for the sex. I’d try to have an honest convo about the future

Where you also a bit of a dick about hiM
having a drink with his ex wife?

that sounds controlling and manipulative of you tbh

Basically he's telling you he was cheated and abused by the ex nonetheless he's meeting for drinks with her. Yeah right. This makes no sense. When you complaint about it he makes you look like a crazy jealous woman (c'mon wrong with meeting for drinks with the ex?) He's not making any effort in seeing you more than once a month and he's gaslighting you when you complaint. He's manipulative and full of narcissistic traits. If you meet him you're not going to get any closure from this man. He's just going to mess you up and continue bread crumbing you. And yes, he knows what he wants, he wants female supply. You're his once a month supply, he also has his ex wife and more probably others. It's up to you if you want to be part of this toxic mess.

It's ovviously normal for him to be meeting his children's mother, with his daughter in attendance.

Even if he met her alone it wouldn't be especially weird. I can see why OP would feel unhappy about him having time for his ex-wife, when he only has 1 day a month for her. But the probem with that situation is not the fact that he saw his wife.

Yes you've hit the nail on the head. I feel like everything I wanted to happen between us and the hopes I had for us going forward have been ripped away from me.
I feel like I've regressed 30 years, back into a hormonal, crying teenager!

There is something extra hard about the end of the first relationship you have after a long term one. You can think you're ready or not, but however long the wait is or not, it's the happy ego boost you get after what can be years of lack of attention or interest in that department from the ex. It's like a new awakening. This is what makes it exta hard when you come crashing down as it goes wrong, and have to take the hit of rejection.

It's good to go through it and out the other side though, as what you learn is that given time and healing it's not the end of the world, and some day you may look back at it and wonder how you put up with it - once a month isn't much of a thing really, you've accepted very little effort and input from him. As a rule of thumb these days, I'd say that if you add up the time a partner spends with their ex per week/month, and it comes to more hours than with the current GF, the balance is wrong and they are still too connected and its going to come between anything new. This man's balance is well off, in fact he's kept you at arms length without you realising.
Once you can look back at it objectively, and understand how you got into it and put up with it, you start to set the bar higher and have an idea of what you do want, so hopefully subsequent relationships are better, as you know to be more guarded about your feelings (a good thing) and really get to know them well and analyse if they actually fit in with your life and needs rather than you just slotting in with them. Time on your own single also gives the courage to know that ending something that's wrong for you, is not the end of the world.
I think really you ought to see this one as having run it's course, a learning curve if you like. When you can be objective, you will see that there is enough about the way he's running things that would of put most people with good self -esteem off.
If you're feeling fragile, I doubt seeing him is a good idea, you know you will weaken if he backtracks, showing him he can toy with you and has all the power, and it will drag the pain out down the line.

From one Saffron to another that's good to read.

Oh dear, I hope you havn't ruined lives for this man.

Otherwise, 6 months, how could you be possibly be more hurt than separating from a partner of 21 years.

6 months is nothing.
Just move on.

@Opentooffers thank you. I really hope that one day I can look back and truly feel and understand your words.
At the moment I have no idea how to make it through to the other side, I cannot seem to function this week. I'm finding myself in tears just doing simple, everyday tasks. This is just awful 😞

It's hard to explain. Myself and H had fallen out of love with each other, we were housemates and nothing more. I was devastated at the effect on our child, grieving for my marriage and a future we were meant to have.... but I've never really missed him.

I miss this guy if we don't speak for a day for whatever reason, I can't imagine not having him in my life anymore, which I know sounds utterly ridiculous after 6 months. I looked at him a couple of weeks ago whilst we were on a mini break and knew I loved him.

We met after I'd split with H and he'd moved out of our home.

The first one after a split is very intense. I’ve been in your shoes and it was horrendous when we split but it was the right decision. You have jumped head over heels into the first man that has come along and given you the attention you craved. It is like a drug that is hard to resist and when it is taken off you the feelings of withdrawal are horrid. I think I cried for a month in my situation. However you need to be very careful here because he may have love bombed you for sex and now the novelty has worn off, he is losing interest. He may come back for another go but is it worth feeling like this again in a months time?

@Smiryr this really resonates with me. I do feel completely addicted to him, I can't bear to think of not speaking to him every day. The pain in my chest is physical when I think how much I'm going to miss him.

I am going to meet him, I know many of you think this is a bad idea. But if he does suggest continuing to see how things go, you are right, I really don't want to end up feeling even worse in a month or two down the line.

You need to protect your heart.

You know this don't you.

Am I being a moron to go and meet him and believe that we may actually have a future together? I'm so upset I can't think straight, I can't work out whether a rational me would see that this is a bad idea.

I don't know op.

What do you really deep down think he feels about you ?

I can tell you are confused but 'safe love' shouldn't be confusing.

I think it's ok to go and meet him and see what he suggests. But I would take this as a warning sign that he may be less into you than you're into him (if he can end it for quite a minor reason) and adjust your expectations accordingly. Are you ok with something a bit less serious? Can you deal with that? If you can't, you need to protect yourself and finish this.

I think you're more vulnerable to being messed around than you realise, and you may well look back one day and wonder wtf was going on in your head. Let's hope I'm just projecting 😬

If I'm being sensible, I should still be testing the waters with him so to speak, to see whether we are truly compatible.
We've spent entire weekends together but only a handful of times.

Maybe he thinks the same. My problem is that my heart has leapt into it far sooner than my head and the very real warnings it's giving me. As in, if he can flippantly tell me that maybe we're not right together after we spent the previous weekend away and had such a wonderful time, then he's playing games. Or just not feeling it anymore 😞

This man is not for you and by meeting him again you’re going to extend the pain, eventually you wil emotionally invest more in him and it will become more painful. I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself in that situation. Self destruct mode: on.

After a long marriage it can be hard to get out of the whole "committed" mindset, but remember he's not the only option. Quite the opposite: you're just starting out in your new life of freedom, and you could choose anyone new you liked.
He's one potential candidate; how's he doing so far to persuade you to be with him?

I have no confidence that I'll meet anyone else. And I know I shouldn't settle for something that's not right because of that fear, I genuinely have fallen head over heels for him.
He even suggested telling our children about us last month, it was me that didn't want to as it's all still too raw for my DD