1st break up since marriage ended

[Whynowffs]

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

You fell for him and it hasnt worked out..of course you feel heartbroken! Its normal. I had a very similar situation once...six months...total infatuation then he brutally dumped me. Six months is abiut the moment where people walk away if they arent falling ij love

I would say that part of your crisis is lack of self confidence. You keep mentioning that you cant bear being single and wont find love again..these are damaging beliefs that are fueling your unhappiness

Have you considered therapy

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Maybe it's my age or vulnerability but the feelings (sexually) I had when I looked at him, quite frankly I don't ever recall having for my husband. To me the chemistry was intense. I've never been one to want to "pounce" on a guy and have never had the urge until I met him.

And then I fell in love with him on top of that.

@waterrat thank you for sharing your experience.
I'm going to see whether I can access some counselling through work.
In the back of my mind I knew I was falling for him too hard, I would wait for his messages and my heart would skip a beat when he did. This was every day. I'd have such a huge smile on my face whenever I was going to meet him, he made me very happy.

Read the wh auden poem
.let the more loving one be me.

You opened your heart to love..nothing to be ashamed of.

It wasnt right with him thats all.hard as it is to see now you will look back and see things werent as great as you think now

I had this guy i fell for on such a pedastal. Its infatuation

He awakened you from a sexual slumber by the sounds of it which is good for your future as it highlights to you what you are capable of. Dull marriages leave people very vulnerable and the first relationship after can be electrifying.

Well it's almost been 2 weeks since he ended it and I am in such pain still.
I've managed to arrange an appointment to begin counselling next week and have been to my GP. I am completely distraught and have lost so much weight.

GP and counsellor both pointed out that this is a reaction to the ending of my marriage and leaving my home but has been triggered by him ending the 6 month thing.

How on earth do I get through this?? I am in a really dark place, I've never felt like this before.
I haven't contacted him since but I had to go by his house this week to visit my friend and could see he was in, it completely floored me.

I guess he's respecting my wish for no contact but it's really upset me that he hasn't asked how I am, knowing how much he'd hurt me.

I found out that he'd told a friend last week that he's gutted, misses me, had been looking forward to going away with me again, that his daughter liked playing with mine (as they'd met as part of a larger group of friends). But that it's for the best!!! I cannot get my head around it 😞.

I'm going to say something you won't want to hear op, this man doesn't care, not the way you did.

Just as you were not phased by the ending of your marriage, this man equally is not hurt by this 6 month fling ending.

I hope you can move on but I think you need to open your eyes to this man, he wasn't as nice as you thought, yes you fancied him to death but it doesn't mean he was a nice person.

You met your match with this one, he's a hearbreaker by the sounds of it, probably been doing it all his life, who knows but really start to find your anger, he finished with you over something so minor, you need get angry it will help you overcome him.

it's really upset me that he hasn't asked how I am, knowing how much he'd hurt me
If he contacted you, you'd feel worse. You'd be reminded of him even more than you are now, and you'd be wondering whether he wanted to get back together with you.

I felt like this after the end of my long marriage. Anti-depressants and counselling helped me through that period. It is a perfectly justified reaction to a huge change in your life. The lack of reaction that you experienced earlier is an odder reaction, really, isn't it? Perhaps your psyche trying to protect you by switching off the emotions for a while? It's horrible to go through, but just sailing through a divorce without a care in the world is not the healthier route.

@BelgiumArse I know what you're saying is true, I haven't wanted to face the fact that he doesn't care as it hurts too much.
I suppose there's always going to be one person that comes off worse.

It is soul destroying and humiliating to think that I am barely able to function when he is unaffected. It makes me question my judgment about everything.

I go to bed feeling a little bit better, then open my eyes in the morning and expect to see a message on my phone from him. When I obviously don't it hits me all over again and then facing the day is unbearable.

@80s some of my family members have actually told me now that they were worried about how happy I was over the summer with this new guy. They said the same as you, that it seemed an abnormal reaction considering my marriage was over and I had my home up for sale.

I can see that I latched onto him as he made me so, so happy. I had hopes for our future that meant I wouldn't be alone and he made my heart skip a beat whenever I saw or heard from him. Not sure I ever really had that kind of spark with my H.

I feel completely hopeless and am sick with worry about my future, finding a house on my own, never finding anyone I have that chemistry with again, spending the rest of my life without that special someone to share it with.
Only started the anxiety meds this week but I feel no better so far.

There’s a lot of truth to this! Well put.

The meds do take a while to kick in; depending on what you've got they can even make you more unstable for a week or two, so it's worth being extra nice to yourself for a bit. If they don't work after a while, it's also worth checking whether another kind might suit you better.

Now you know that you can have that kind of feeling for someone, that means that you could have it with someone else. I found that it both made me set a different standard on what I wanted from a relationship - and also made me more aware of what I could do to make a relationship good. You found this guy before your ex was even out the door :) you'll find a meaningful relationship again. Not too soon, hopefully! Sounds like you could do with learning to enjoy your own company!

@Whynowffs How you feel is exactly how I did when my marriage ended. I would spontaneously burst into tears, I couldn’t eat, sleep, lost loads of weight. It was the worst experience of my life.

I thought the same as you, I’m going to be alone, how am I going to manage on my own etc
The truth is there is no magic pill that can erase the pain, I sat with it and just took each day as it came.
I had to watch my ex leave our home with his bag of viagra to go visit his OW.. it was horrendous!
But I had great friends who took me out and listened to my worries, hugged me when I cried, and with each week that passed the pain lessened.
Accept this relationship is over, work out what you want your life to look like without a man being in it for a while and take steps to have that life.
I promise you it does get easier and the lessons learned from this experience will be valuable to you in the future.

Now you know that you can have that kind of feeling for someone, that means that you could have it with someone else.

It may seem impossible now, OP, but it’s true. And time will eventually heal the pain you’re in now.
Sending you a big hug.

Thank you for the replies and kind words.

Two weeks on and I just feel horrendous. I remember looking at a post a while ago, I think the poster may have been colouring indoors or something similar, and the pain she was in following a break up was absolutely awful. I remember it well and thinking what an awful situation to be in. And here I am.

I did a silly thing and messaged him about something I needed to know on Friday. Later on that day he text to say he'd seen a toy he knew my DD wanted for Christmas and should he grab it for me. That night he kept messaging and then rang me gone midnight to ask would I go to his.

My emotions were all over the place. His earlier gesture made me feel as though he cared about me and I thought it was a kind thing to do.
But to invite me over in the night whilst drunk just made me feel like he views me as a booty call, I was quite shocked.
I obviously didn't go but we did message for an hour or so. Not heard a thing from him since.

Be grateful to yourself that you were strong enough not to go, he tried a booty call on with you, that should give you a major ick that he's so self centred to try and use you like that.
Stop messaging him, delete him off your phone, remember the only way to get over him is to stop contact and the longer you manage this the quicker you will stop missing him - not that there is anything to miss after his last actions!

Write a list of the type of man you hope to meet next time and focus on what you want in future, this helped me get over an ex realising I actually want the complete opposite to him.

He's playing you.

You'll soon get sick of his nonsense.

The worrying thing is I think I would have gone had I not had my daughter. I won't hear from him again after not succumbing to his advances but if I did I would hopefully be more prepared and remember these words of wisdom.