1st break up since marriage ended

[Whynowffs]

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

That comment about plans sounds quite passive aggressive on your part

And why does a drink with his ex wife bother you so much? I can understand someone being offended that you don't trust them, especially when you know they had their own trust broken.

So are you still meeting him tonight?

I assume we're meeting at his house but we haven't arranged anything yet. Not sure I want to meet anywhere in public as I'll be upset.

@Oopsiedaisyy this is why these forums are so helpful. I actually hadn't seen my response as passive aggressive but maybe to him it did look that way.
And you're right, he was really annoyed that it came across as me not trusting him. I had my trust broken by exH earlier this year and it's affecting me.

Your story and other's of finding yourself and learning to be on your own makes me see that I need to work on myself and maybe get some help in doing so x

@Oopsiedaisyy And why does a drink with his ex wife bother you so much? I can understand someone being offended that you don't trust them, especially when you know they had their own trust broken.

Apparently the ex wife cheated on him leaving him full of "trust issues", personally I find it strange that he would want to meet her regularly for a drink. Something just doesn't add up.

Maybe its something he finds useful to work through those feelings? I have had coffees with my ex husband, talking about the kids, while he had a gf. I also cheated on him.

My bf spends time with his ex and children in their martial home, but we have talked about his marriage and i have no trust issues about how he feels about her (although she still has feelings for her). But i trust him, and we are adults, if he ever crossed a boundary I would end it.

The thing is that I can understand him feeling a bit cross that you didn't seem to trust him. But to end it over such a small thing is extreme (unless it's part of a pattern of jealous behaviour on your part). Surely he'd just express his annoyance, you talk about it, you move on? The fact that he finished it either means he's not that into you and was looking for an excuse, or he's a bit of a drama llama who likes to flounce off at the drop of a hat.

This is why I want to speak to him to find out the reason behind ending things so abruptly. I'll ask him outright if he hasn't been feeling it, as I too think it's very extreme considering it been a misunderstanding.

He's asked if I'm still planning to "pop to his" so that's already told me it's gonna be a quick explanation then goodbye conversation. Unless I'm reading too much into that, I don't know any more.

"I know what happens
I've read the book
I believe I just got
The goodbye look"

Why string this one on and be used.
You were wrong to place your trust in this man.

Why has he got to put your through having to meet him to tell you why he doesn't want you, all seems a bit too much, surely a phone call would of been enough. If you want to then fair enough but I'd hold on to any dignity I had, accept it's over and not bother going.

They say the first breakup after ending of marriage brings up all the subconscious grief surrounding ending of marriage too. So it feels like the grief is disproportionate to ending if new relationship. I remember this happening to me clearly and thought it was because I was "in love" with the new guy, when in reality I barely knew him. It gets easier fairly quickly.

We all know why, and I should imagine op does too.

But this is where you realise you are being strung along.

My view too

"Come round I want to dump you to your face and see you are visibly upset and also so I know that no matter how I behaved I could have strung you along. And even after everything you still want to be with me" he's on an ego trip. Her self esteem will be battered.

As this afternoon is going on I'm beginning to feel like more of a mug for going this evening. But I know what I'm like and I want to hear it from him, however brutal it may be.

@dragonfly16 thank you for sharing your experience, I really hope it will feel better soon

Why can't you just have the conversation by phone?

It really doesn't have to be this dramatic.

What are you planning for the rest of the weekend? Is there an activity you can do, or a film you want to see, or some other project? It is worrisome to me that you are sitting there on tenterhooks, letting him set the time, place and circumstances of this ridiculous meeting, and that you are revolving your weekend around it.

Why don't you just call him and say "Hey, it's apparent that this isn't working out. Something's come up and I won't be able to make it this evening. I wish you the best. Have a nice Christmas. Ciao." and get on with things.

Trust me, it is quite possible to have a very pleasant life without dancing to the tune of some lukewarm man. Give yourself a break from dating and focus on developing other areas of your life.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I sound pretty pathetic really! I have been hanging around today feeling sick waiting for this tonight. He's been out having a great day. I need to go and speak to him in person, but i need to remember to leave with my dignity intact.
Tomorrow I plan to go on a hike up a very beautiful mountain and deal with my thoughts away from everything.

Don’t do this

this is the very start of abusive behaviour

designed to reel you back in and make you behave

A normal nice man would of said before the drinks - I’m going to go for drinks with my son and his mum - to discuss x - I’ll ring you later

then would have done so

or said I’m sorry I should of said my child was there - look can we talk about boundaries and security - not just dumped you

And you don’t owe him shit just say

don’t need to pop around. Thanks but no thanks - let’s just both move on. No hard feelings cheers

and keep your dignity

Have you agreed a specific time to go?

I agree, it sounds like he's setting the scene for a short conversation. I'd make myself look nice, not for him but for myown self esteem, and try and plan somewhere to go afterwards. "Pop in" and say I can't stay, I'm on my way to meet x,y,z. Don'tet him know you've been waiting around all day to see him

It's crap, and I'm sorry. But you'll get through it, you will 💐

Yeah he asked what time I'd be round. I'll actually be mortified if he's got plans afterwards and hurries me out.

Yup "one for the road"

Whatever happens do NOT have sex with him. That will muddle up your brain. You need to think about this conversation tomorrow with a cold and clear head.and not let your hormones or emotional thinking get in the way.

@Sandra1984 thank you, to be honest I don't think it will be on the cards at all but yes I know you are right.
God I fancy him so much, it's a horrible, horrible situation ☹️

What is it you fancy about him? His ability to treat you as disposable or irrelevant ?

Why are you doing this to yourself 😔