1st break up since marriage ended

[Whynowffs]

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

I'd still recommend going into the meeting (if you go) judging what he says and does as "whether he is up to scratch or not". You're in a relationship that's the equivalent of a few weeks old. If he was honestly keen, he'd be making an effort.

You have fallen head over heels for him

youre freaking out about being on your own

work on yourself so that you can function as an independent person

Haven’t fallen head over heels!

OP. I totally understand how it feels like you want to try and see if it'll work, hope, bevause jt all seemed to be so great and exciting. The fact is, its even worse that not long ago he was suggesting telling the kids, that you had such a great time the last weekend. This all looks like progression and then hes pulled it suddenly over a misunderstanding around a drink with the ex wife. He has issues if he's this emotionally flakey, issues you cant solve by him saying 'I've changed my mind'....thats just more evidence of being the complete opposite of reliable and together enough to have a relationship.

Meet him if you feel you must, but I can tell you unless he gets his sh*t together fast whatever he wants is more of the same flakey nonsense and dragging pain out further

Why does it terrify you?

I agree. You need to carve out an independent life, not leap into another relationship.

Don't revolve your existence around having a man. Develop yourself in other areas.

You need to learn to be single. You're coming across as very needy and clingy. Try finding out who you are. You don't need anyone to make you whole.

I wish I could see myself as a happy, independent woman I really do. I have a close friend that has been single for 3 years and is truly happy to the point she doesn't think a man would fit in with her life.
I would miss the chemistry, the cuddles, the sex, the daily conversation that makes my heart skip a beat when I see his name pop up.
I have no idea how to work on myself, and what to do with myself when I don't have my daughter. I have some nights out planned over Christmas but at the moment I feel too sad to enjoy anything.

You won't know until you try. Don't you have hobbies or volunteer work or educational aspirations or other goals to occupy your time?

Making your happiness contingent on attention from some guy isn't sustainable.

And tbh, if someone I were casually dating for a few questioned me about my other social activities, and needed an explanation of why I chose to have a drink with an ex, I'd end it, too. That's way too controlling and needy for my taste.

I wish I could see myself as a happy, independent woman I really do.
You're not giving yourself a chance to be a happy, independent woman, so of course you don't see yourself that way.

@Whynowffs

(((HUG)))

your actions/feelings are perfectly normal.

those who haven't been through it don't understand.

you're also still processing the end of your marriage, it's all mixed in.

it HURTS, with the LTR, there has been a winding down of sorts, the new relationship is full of hope & promise and a future together, breaking up is hard (even if you're the one doing the breaking).

I don't regret the relationships I had after my LTR ended at all, they taught me a lot about myself and I had done brilliant times with some brilliant men. (Not just in bed, but doing fun stuff they were into that I hadn't done before, going to different sporting events & gigs that I wouldn't have chosen, but really enjoyed. Just all kinds of things.

getting over the first one was hard, very hard, but you do and you do meet others and I didn't find it so hard after that as I could look back & remember how I felt, but that I did get through it ok!! You can learn to deal with emotions, you don't just have to block everyone because it might hurt to deal with something.

when are you seeing him??

(the first one I went back & forth with a bit, it had its highs & lows, but although at times that hurt a lot, I don't regret it because there were good moments too. They were right 'love is a roller coaster!'

@Whynowffs

happy independent woman can come later!

it's ok to have a transition period of feeling wanted, attractive, loved before you're happy to be be single.

its also ok to decide you don't want to be single, it's ok to want cuddles, sex, live, your someone that's there to do stuff & plan stuff with.

Op did I read it right that up until a month ago you only saw each other once a month?

In September I suggested that it felt a bit one sided and that maybe we should call it a day. He didn't agree and asked if we could go on a few more dates. I made it clear that once a month wasn't enough time with him for me and that going forward it would need to be more

so in reality this relationship is just a few weeks?

you seem to put a lot of your value in being with a man. You can’t possibly love him, you hardly know him , you are infatuated yes, but not love.

I think you need to try to see yourself as an individual with worth , you’re desperate to be with a man who in six months for most of it saw you monthly and who you already feel you care for more than he cares for you and he’s already binned you off with not a thought. Whilst you cry proclaim to love him and declare how head over heels you are. You’re now desperate he wants you back

can you not see what an unhealthy place you’re in. This is never going to work, he will stay in for the sex or whatever but that’s it. And if you saw him so rarely before, are you sure he’s not dating others?

I have recently been heartbroken. Still recovering. Something similar.

Can I recommend Matthew Hussey on You Tube. For dealing with intense break up / push and pull relationships. Love bombing and generally all the shit we put up with in relationships. He's great and really helps you not to get sucked in by it all because he explains from a man's perspective.

It was recommended to me by a fellow Mnettet. (Thanks whoever you are)

Sorry you feel lousy. I'd personally try really hard to not message him any more and not meet up at the moment. Matthew Hussey recommends waiting 21 days after a break up before having any contact. That's so you can process your feelings and see what you actually want to do, without the panic and the adrenaline pumping. It also gives them a chance to see what they've lost.

Thank you 🙏, your replies are appreciated and @CafeCremeMerci I appreciate the hug 🤗.

@Annabananna1 I'm sorry you're you're going through the same. I remember reading some of your posts a while back and thinking we were in a similar situation. It is soul destroying being rejected by someone that you genuinely felt a connection/chemistry with.

We were meant to meet tomorrow night. He's messaged earlier asking if I'm free to do something tonight. Wtf! I'm not free so it will remain as tomorrow. I feel really, really sick as I'm so nervous about it. In one way it would have been better to get it over with tonight.

So later on yesterday I got another message to say if you weren't busy I thought maybe we could have had a chat tonight instead of tomorrow.

I'd explained we'd meet tonight (sat) as planned but I can't help but think that he doesn't want to waste his Saturday night explaining why we've ended and just wanted to get it over with.

It's made me feel even more of an idiot for having any hopes about the outcome.

All on his terms.

@Whynowffs yep he didn't want to waste his Saturday night with you. I would text him and say no explanation is necessary and just never speak to him again. I know it's tough, but I learnt a lot from mumsnet. You can get closure by yourself you don't need him.

Oh OP. I'd not let him come round and dump you to your face, you'll feel worse! Plus if you're upset you won't be able to hide it.

Just text and say that you've been invited out for dinner and you won't have time tonight unfortunately but he can drop you a text if there's something he needed to say.

Make him feel like the option he's made you feel like and move on. Don't give him a second thought or anymore headspace.

In my silly head I thought maybe he wanted to sort things out last night so that maybe we could enjoy a nice night tonight. As he told me he doesn't have the DC all weekend.

What did he say when you said you were busy?

Who instigated the "chat"

If I don't meet him I'll tie myself up in knots wondering what he wanted to say.
But I know in reality that I'll be posting an update on here tomorrow in tears to say I should have listened to you all and not gone!!

@amiold he suggested we meet for a chat earlier in the week.
He just said no problem when I said I was busy, I did ask if he wanted to cancel tonight if he now had plans but he didn't acknowledge that in his reply. Just told me to have a good night 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's maybe not that he wanted to get it out of the way but didn't want to dwell on it all weekend.

Where are you meeting for this chat?

I'd go, get it sorted one way or another.

I went straight from my marriage ending into a relationship with someone through lock down and i was broken when it ended, but it wasn't just him, it was the safety of having someone their so i wasnt actually alone.

Spent the next 18 months dating off and on, learning to be alone, finding a new, social group. Now been with someone for 6 months. While i do love him, i know i would be ok if it ended.