1st break up since marriage ended

[Whynowffs]

Looking for some comforting words/advice here as I am feeling pretty heartbroken.

Been seeing a man for almost 6 months, haven't officially become a couple or anything but definitely felt like we were heading that way. Been on weekends away together, I stay at his house etc.

My 21 year relationship ended with my husband earlier this year. It will probably seem like I jumped into something else too soon, but the love had fizzled out between us and the split had been coming for a long time. We're both really amicable for the sake of our DD and are friends.

New guy effectively ended our "thing" last night. He said maybe we're not right together as i was unhappy about him spending time out having a drink with his ex wife (their child was there too but I did not realise this).

I am completely devastated, it has shocked me how distraught I feel. I honestly didn't feel this bad when my marriage ended. I'm trying so hard to act normal in front of my daughter and at work but I am totally heartbroken.

Can anyone tell me that it gets easier 😢?

You need to put your emotional thinking to one side OP. I also fancy Mac Donalds but I'm aware how bad it's for my health so I do it once every six months (and usually during my period when my oestrogen levels fall down and I'm feeling in the gutter lol!). Getting into a bad relationship or a toxic one can be soul destroying. I would get together tonight and discuss what is bothering you about him meeting the ex for a drink (your reasons might be unjustified, be open to that possibility), discuss what is he looking for, what is it your looking for, expectations for this relationship etc... Just be civilised, honest, put both your cards on the table. I believe after 6 months you are ready for a serious conversation on "where is this relationship heading too" or "are we exclusive?" Don't have sex tonight, then tomorrow go for a walk and think about the conversation with a clear head and if you are both on the same boat. Be aware he might think this is just a conversation and he might made plans for after, and that's just fine. The man has a life and you should too. Don't invest in this relationship that much till the cards are on the table.

Sorry to say this - but if the shoe had been on the other foot- you having a drink with your ex (while seeing your kids) and he made a fuss of it.. would you have felt the need to justify your right to do it? Or would you have thought. Fuck this for a game of soldiers- who does he think he is telling me he doesn't like me saying my ex amicably? We've been together 6 months- he can fuck right off ..

You would have been advised to LTB multiple times I suspect by the mumsnetters.

My ex expressed his discomfort about me seeing my ex husband(of 20 years) who was a good friend after our marriage ended.
I took the new ex's feelings into account while discounting my feelings of spending some time with my ex (often with his new partner present)
I shouldn't have done. Turns out He wasn't a very nice person.

Any update, OP?

It's over, I am devastated 😢.

We were both very open and honest, I told him I have feelings for him but don't want to go into a full blown relationship just yet.

He felt after this many months we'd probably be looking to move to the next level, maybe tell the kids. However in the next breath he told me he's not sure he wants that as he likes his life the way it is. He is extremely hurt that I was jealous thinking he'd been out for a drink with just his ex. He said that would never happen, he said he doesn't want the drama and doesn't want me going in a sulk about stuff.

Asked me whether I wanted to carry on as we are or end it. I wanted to hold him and carry on so, so badly. But I knew that wasn't fair to me and he also said the same. He doesn't know what he wants and I know I'd get hurt worse down the line.

Doesn't make it any easier though. He said he'll miss me so much and still wants to contact me to see how I am. I asked him not to and said I don't want to talk to or see him again. I am absolutely devastated.

He felt after this many months we'd probably be looking to move to the next level, maybe tell the kids

So he's still future faking to you, telling you what you want to hear but not willing to put into action.

I'm sorry, he's not who you thought he was and still upon your realisation he wants to continue using you. He's manipulating you into accepting crumbs.

You are worth more than this.
Don't get stuck in the loop with this man it could go on for years, find an available man.

@Whynowffs such a mindfuck he is. I know it's going to be tough but please do get back dating asap rather than giving headspace to someone who really doesn't deserve it. Many of us have been there and you will look back and think "what did I ever see in him?". Relationships are easy if you're both on the same page. Enjoy your hike today

You should be proud of yourself. You've not accepted crumbs and you've had self respect.

I'm in exactly the same boat as you (long marriage, no love at end, 7 month relationship just ended). It took all my courage and self respect to end it when I knew he wasn't treating me right. I've been down all week but I've not caved to contacting him and I won't. Look up all the old threads on here about the joys of being Single. They've really helped me feel better about it. I'm concentrating on loving my single life for the foreseeable. I hope you'll be ok too.

Hardly slept, when I did I dreamt that we were enjoying a night out together. Woke up and it hit me again, the pain is just awful.

@thisyearsuckssofar I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this also. I can't believe how different the pain feels compared to when my marriage ended. At the moment I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest, whereas then I just felt sadness at the loss of a life we'd built together.

Saw Christmas lights on in the streets last night and I just can't face the thought of it. I feel as though I can't look forward to anything.

I'm sorry you're heartbroken, but you've did the right thing for you. He was going to lead you on and mould the relationship into what he wanted, which isn't what you want.

The difference with my marriage was that it was over in my head years before. Death by 10,000 paper cuts. Whereas this one was more of a quick sharp shock. You'll get through it.

@thisyearsuckssofar exactly the same for me, we'd been over for years really. We just dragged it out as were both too scared to end it.
With this it was like a kick in the stomach, I didn't see it coming at all. Even he said himself that he wouldn't have thought we'd be having this conversation.

I keep thinking that if we'd have carried on the way we were then perhaps in a month or two he'd have felt differently and we'd have taken the relationship further. With not being on loads of dates in the 6 months I think maybe I've suggested too much too soon 😞

It’s very unlikely that the first person you fall for after a long marriage is going to be Mr Right. It’s just that when you split, you almost have a burning desire to prove to yourself that you are attractive and worthy of a relationship and this can can cloud your judgement. I remember my first split after marriage well. It was horrendous but I didn’t understand why, as we had only been together 18m. Looking back we were not really compatible but were just there for each other after our marriages crumbled. It did hurt a lot though but like everything, time is a healer.

He's been very "clever" here - he has turned this around on you which is what they do. He had hoped to introduce children? Yeah right.He asked if you wanted to continue hmmmm....in a few weeks you will get a message from him asking how you are and how he misses you. He is extremely hurt? My ass. He still wants to be friends? Of course he does - he wants you on a back burner. I'm sorry as I know you want to believe all this but I recognise this behaviour so well as do many others. If he wanted to move forward with this he would. My disaster like this would still be messaging me 4 years down the line except I blocked him.He continued until then last year. You will move on and you will feel better.

You said you have only just moved out of the marital home?

It sounds like he's got what he wanted and then realised he had to deliver more to your relationship.
He sounds like a player.

He said he'll miss me so much and still wants to contact me to see how I am. I asked him not to and said I don't want to talk to or see him again.
This is a good idea, well done. He doesn't get to be the good guy who checks on you as if you can't even look after yourself.

Yes my H moved out earlier in the year but we sold it only very recently.
That was a great cause of upset as it was the real ending of our marriage.

I honestly don't know how I'm getting through today, it's horrendous. I told him not to contact me but I thought he would have. I know it sounds pathetic.

Do you think he is still too entwined with his ex ?

Could he be playing both of you.

You were upset about the drink but was there more, a gut instinct, could there be other women for example.

Look at it like this... if he does text and come back to you and offer what you want. It was meant to be.
If he doesn't realise what he's lost and it ends now. It was a blessing. Life's to short for half hearted men

He's far from the only fish in the sea and quite frankly sounds hard work. Why do that to yourself coming off a bad marriage?

What else can you focus on in the days ahead besides men and relationships? This is a turning point in your life and an opportunity to develop yourself.

Thank you for the support and kind words. I am working in the week but wfh my mind will wander and I will be dwelling on it. I need to focus on some Christmas shopping.

@BelgiumArse he is definitely not involved with his ex in that way or with anyone else. I do truly believe that. I've made a huge mistake in thinking he'd be out with her having drinks and that was the catalyst that ended it. I think that's the worst part.

I've been out today with old school friends reminiscing about our younger days. If anything, it's just solidified my idea of concentrating on myself for a while. I was reminded of how fun I used to be! Try to find yourself again. That's my plan. x Having said all that, I'm a few alcoholic drinks down and doing everything I can not to text him. I won't!

@thisyearsuckssofar I hope you had more luck in not texting than I did.
I caved last night, in the midst of a crying fit I suggested to him that we ended things prematurely and maybe we should keep it casual a while longer. He replied that it's for the best we ended it. How brutal.... and how ridiculous I felt.
Well it's the second morning, yesterday I woke up in floods of tears. Today I woke up thinking I'm going to vomit. Bring on tomorrow!

Whatever faults this man has, you will be grateful in time that he confirmed the break up after you contacted him. Block him for your own sanity, it will be hard but you will be better for it.

Don't spend time thinking about his intentions or future. Think about you and yours and what you want to do in your life. Remind yourself of the good things in your life.

There will be others and you'll be in a better place to meet them.

@Whynowffs

He was completely honest saying it's for the best you ended it. You will get over it think you need to heal.

Enjoy being single.

Oh no you silly lass... he's got you exactly where he wants you! Block him and take some time out. A nice spa afternoon or evening with a friend if you can afford it will do you the world of good xxx

I was really upset with his reply last night, but now I see that he must have some respect for me to be honest. He could have easily said yes let's carry on, getting what he wants when he wants but he did end it.

I have a night out planned this coming weekend but I really don't want to go, I just feel so, so sad.