Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Please note thread is not necessarily representative of all relationships between non-autistic and autistic people.

From the NAS website.

We want to stress that autistic people are just as capable of having loving and successful relationships as non-autistic people

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-

Link that works

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

Empathy is not the same as emotional reciprocity.

Spouses posting on the previous thread are in autistic context marriages where there is a lack of emotional reciprocity in their partnership and in some cases a lack of commitment to it from their partners.

Some have found this useful to read:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Good luck with the new thread :) (leaving now)

Bump and marking place.

Marking place thinking of you @SquirrelSoShiny x

Thank you @Daftasabroom

@NationalAutisticSocietyInfo Ill also say thank you for your reasonable post.

Thanks for the new thread

👏👏👏

@Daftasabroom thanks for the new thread

@NationalAutisticSocietyInfo agree with your statement.

@SquirrelSoShiny hope your day has started better. If you need support, offloadinf etc... we are here.

Hello, just had a quick catch up. I hope you are ok today @SquirrelSoShiny and everyone else 😊

I posted on the last thread re my probably ND partner. So things escalated last week and we mutually agreed to end the relationship.
He has very quickly moved onto friend mode, we have agreed to remain friends. He has said that he likes helping me

I think the friendship will fizzle out, or maybe I am expecting too much from him now that he doesn’t “have” to contact me.

Either way, I feel really guilty but if he wants contact then he will need to show some effort too. Just sad, he is a good, kind man.

Thank you for making a new thread.

I'm close to leaving but I'm worried about making DS life worse.

It all feels so selfish

I think at a certain point it's survival tbh. It's not selfish. It's about having a life worth living.

Sometimes it just seems easier to stay and that's what DH would do tbh. He'll never, ever understand why I want to leave. From his point of view he's the perfect partner because he pays bills, does housework, does childcare.

It literally doesn't occur to him that there's anything missing in our relationship because HE doesn't miss it. He doesn't want emotional connection. It's messy and purposeless and I'm just needy and hysterical for wanting to feel loved and known. He can be very good on acts of service. He just cannot do emotional connection. It is beyond his abilities and he is a very able man. In this though, he is deeply impaired.

Checking in.

Checking in.

Thank you Squirrel. That explains it all.
I've told him how unhappy I am and why.
He doesn't understand.
Nothing changes.
I've told him how stuck I am.
Leaving means I have less money and no practical help.
It also means I have half the week to myself.
He can't cope with DS' ASD and ADHD. He tells him off for things that he can't help. He can't communicate with him effectively as he barks orders and doesn't understand why DS can't cope

It’s difficult isn’t it?

Strangely enough, it’s DC’s NT that DH can’t cope with. Dc1 is just too different from him and he can’t relate. Whereas dc2, who is autistic, is so much more like him. No small talk, similar ish interest. DH can deal with that.
The conclusion is that he has been telling off dc1 for anything and everything for like ever Whereas he is forever accommodating dc2 wishes.

i am not ready to leave. Certainly not until dc2 has left for Uni. I would be entirely reliant on disability benefits (if and when I get them) and we all know how little this is. Im not putting my dcs in that situation.
I am not sure I will ever be ready to leave. Im so reliant on him physically for everyday tasks. But yes that means no emotional connexion at all.

Choices are hard. Esp if you start adding stuff about relationship between chronic illness and trauma.
Should have left years ago but by the time I started to think ‘I have enough’, leaving was just impossible for me to envisage. I was already spread too thin.

Thanks for the new thread. I will continue to follow with interest - and will take the huge comfort in not feeling like the only person living this way (which many of us know is a heck of a lonely place to live).

I continue to want to scream at DH's emotional unavailability towards both myself and DD. Sigh, it's a tough road to walk.

What I really want to know is how much has living in emotionally stunted marriages contributed to the chronic health problems people seem to be experiencing.

Because if you read Gabor Maté on the subject he would say: a lot. It contributes a lot. (When the body says No chapter 2 is an interesting read - the link between high conflict marriages and autoimmune disease).

So if there is a link I would be telling people on this thread - don't wait. If you know you need to go, then go. Waiting has only left me trapped for now.

This is posted because I have read on this thread and the prior one that some posters may separate / divorce - and some posters have concerns regarding finances - (not having enough to live on etc.)

As I understand it there are 2 aspects – Divorce and Financial Settlement.

The final financial settlement provides for both parties - based on the income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future. Health and disability / medical condition of both parties may be considered and medical reports may be included in evidence - for example if a spouse has a chronic illness or disability that impedes ability to work / their earning potential and therefore requires a greater share of assets.

As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen. The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the general starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth - property, pensions, businesses, stocks and shares...

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079

If there is a reluctance from a divorcing party to provide full and frank disclosure in Form E, the next stage is questionnaires which are exchanged to gain missing / essential financial information. If financial information is missing after questionnaires, deficiencies are exchanged (further questions to get that information). A solicitor's letter can be sent to ask for missing information and a court order can also be applied for to get the information, for example if a pensions valuation is missing or not submitted.

When splitting the assets of a marriage Section 25 applies.

Here is a summary
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf
Legislation here
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation...

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension

Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Legal advice should be sought.
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

As some posters may be experiencing domestic abuse, help is available here:

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

This information has also been posted on other threads where the marriages are not necessarily autistic context marriages.

Mumsnet also suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Re Mediation - in some cases mediation is not appropriate (domestic abuse)

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/489125/family-mediation-leaflet-press.pdf

You will need to show the court that
a) you have been to a MIAM to find out about mediation, or
b) you don’t need to do this because of special circumstances which are listed in section 11 of form C100.
Special circumstances include cases involving domestic violence or child abuse, which may not be right for mediation – the mediator can advise you on this at the MIAM or first meeting. Alternatively, if you have evidence of domestic violence or child abuse you may not need to go to a MIAM and may be able to get Legal Aid to pay for a solicitor to help you bring your case to court.

Hybrid Mediation is an option but may not be suitable in some cases (e.g. domestic abuse)

resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/hybrid-mediation/

Both of the separating couples are seen separately by the hybrid mediator to assess whether or not hybrid mediation and, indeed, mediation is appropriate and will look very carefully at issues such as safeguarding.
As part of the same assessment meeting, the individual separating couple will consider whether they think hybrid mediation is best for them.

Do look after the (older) woman you will become when negotiating a financial settlement (including pensions if any) and remember that for the financial settlement aspect the court requires full and frank disclosure from both parties.

The purpose of full and frank disclosure is to get all the assets of the marriage on the table - and to know what each of them are worth - before deciding what the split could be, and what the final financial settlement will be.

This ensures that there can be a fair settlement.

Mediation links (mediations may not be appropriate in some cases e.g. domestic abuse)

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/489125/family-mediation-leaflet-press.pdf

resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/hybrid-mediation/

Thank you so much @infohere that is amazing info.