Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

DH is the same.
im trying to give up being bothered by it. But I have to say it’s extremely frustrated to go through very clear step by step instructions just to see half or more of them being ignored.

@SquirrelSoShiny
very briefly, I have to feed the dog because he’s (h not dog!) still asleep. I could have written your post. Every word. Much love to you

@jamoncrumpets I’m delighted to see to see you are having a great Christmas.
I also completely agree with you that it works because every single one of us is having the kind of Christmas we like.
Thats what we’ve done here. No meltdowns etc..
It has been a bit of a risky Christmas because for the first time ever I haven’t been able to do anything in the kitchen etc.l. (Too ill for that) so DH has been in charge….

BUT what made it ok is that for the first time ever DH ALSO too my wishes into account. That meant putting a nice tablecloth in the table Wo arguing whether it was needed for example.
We also have my parents here. Again that means I have someone to talk to during the day and he can happily hide in the kitchen and not interact fur the whole if the afternoon. Otherwise, before, Ive had two teens in their bedroom, DH somewhere else and I ended up alone cooking. Not MY idea of a nice Christmas….

So yes when ALL people needs are taken into account, you can find a nice balance that works.

Fwiw I think that when one person needs are ignored, regardless of whether they are NT or ND, that person is likely to get frustrated and angry/meltdown/upset. It’s pretty normal in my opinion and why it’s so important EVERYONE makes an effort.

Btw @jamoncrumpets id be careful to say ‘all autistic people are overwhelmed by having people in their space’ and therefore everyone should expect autistic people to go into meltdown around Christmas.

dh has never had a meltdown at Christmas.
he might be infuriating on many levels but having family around has never been an issue for him.
And from your description of Christmas, I wouldn’t have expected people to have gone into meltdown either??
Back to not all autistic people are the same etc….

@jamoncrumpets
Having people staying in your space is really overwhelming for autistic people. Actually, most everything about the holiday season is overwhelming for autistic people. I don't know what's so difficult to understand about that or what you expected to happen differently.

I get that, but my son lives 3 hours drive away, am I supposed to invite him for an hour or 2? H’s adult children came here in the summer, it was pretty overwhelming for me, especially as I did all the catering and housekeeping.
I was expected to be flexible in accommodating his adult children, but he couldn’t do the same.

Prejudice runs through this thread. Guys, big old bad Autism isn't ruining your Christmas. A selfish, thoughtless, preoccupied partner is. One of the myriad things that make them how they are is their neurodiversity, but it's not at the heart of their behaviour. If you are butting heads with them constantly over their perceived rude or selfish behaviour it's because you are holding them to standards that they will never be able to attain.

If you genuinely feel trapped and sad because your partner rules every aspect of your life for god's sake, get out. That's not autism. That's abuse. We have a relation we cannot be in contact with, who happens to also be autistic like us, but they are impulsive, controlling and dangerous - so we made the decision to keep ourselves and our children safe from them. None of us are even slightly like that.

And that's the issue I have with Mumsnet allowing this thread to stand. You cannot state that neurodiversity is the root cause of behaviour like that. It isn't.

Look, you married a cat and you wanted a dog. You can't then spend the whole marriage wishing you'd married a dog. You either accept that your partner is a cat, or you leave them a find yourself a dog.

In our house we are all cats, living in a dog-shaped world.

I wouldn't say don't have them round, I'd say to myself 'DH struggles with this, how can WE make this easier for him'. It would be a conversation, ideally. If he didn't want to respond or talk I would take from that he is going to need lots of opportunities to escape and self regulate. Which is what it sounds like he did.

Didn't use the word 'all' though did I? So this is moot.

That's great for you @jamoncrumpets Whilst I'm sure it's possible for households with autistic people to be happy, your post had a tone-deaf 'Well I'm alright Jack' quality to it. A lack of empathy.

This thread was set-up for mutual support for those struggling to deal with specific issues. If you don't like that, don't come on here and boast what a good Christmases you have, and suggest everyone else on here is the problem in their households.

@jamoncrumpets how about DH, who is the one struggling, proposing what could make it easier for him??
Why should he wait for me, his DW, to propose solutions, sort out how to do it, in a way that is acceptable fir him. Which would save me having to guess (usually wrongly too)?

It’s not ok to let the other person having to guess what you need, regardless of whether you are NT or ND.
Actually seeing that ND often thinks NT guess the wrong way anyway, I’d say it’s even more important for the person who has the issue to make themselves clear.

Issues. Well I see your thoughts about autism. No point even trying to engage with you.

I dint understand at all.

Let me know which word you would use about the fact the situation will trigger a meltdown instead if issue.

Why is it ignored? I hoped by being direct and communicating “ I do not want..”
would work. But he doesn’t remember the conversations we had so it failed..

Just saying it ain't all Nasty Old Autism's fault you're having a shitty time @EarthSight

don't bother. no one is allowed to say anything remotely positive about autism and autistic people on here

@jamoncrumpets NO! You don't say?? I would never have guessed that. 🙄

Women on here don't need you to educate them - they are well aware that there are many relationships problems that are totally unrelated to autism.

FYI I'm not having a shitty time, thank you. I'm ok.

Stop trying to shut women down on here that are simply looking for the sympathy, empathy and support of women that are in similar situations to themselves.

There is a difference between saying something positive, and shutting women down.

It's reminds me a lot of what some men do when they see a dating thread pop up. They can't stand that women actually have a space for this. Usually you see a few doing the incredibly predictable 'BUT WOMEN DO THIS TOO' or 'NOT ALL MENZ'. 🙄

If you want to say something positive about autism, I encourage you to start a thread about it. This thread is for support though regarding specific challenges.

I dint know @Forgoodnesssakemeagain

My best guess was that DH doesn’t listen. I mean as not truly listen.
But in the last 6 months, he has made huge efforts and I’m starting to think it’s not that.

ive noticed that DH infers stuff I would never think about. It’s not that it’s wrong or not logical. Just completely different and unexpected.

Im now thinking that DH hears stuff but interprets them differently according to his own whiteboard. I think sometimes the two informations clash and what I say gets ignored.
eg I said to DH ‘please stop at this point in the recipe. We will do X and Y afterwards’. But the recipe says to go up to step 4 so he ignores what I said because you are supposed to follow the recipe

I have no idea how to deal with it though. It’s making it hard for both me and him.

@EarthSight can I gently remind you of the opening post?
Not having a go but I realised I got sucked back in too….

Actually forget my last post @EarthSight .
What I’m referring to isn’t in it

At some point, we invited people to not engage in what can look like ‘autism is great vs autism is awful’ discussions.

Discussing the difficulties that can accompany living with someone on the spectrum can be very triggering. And there is little point in trying to prove your point. It deters from what we want to do which is supporting each other.

I got sucked in (again…) for which I apologise.

Remember the pact, folks.

Merry Christmas to all newcomers and regulars on this thread. Our Christmas was just me, DW and the children and we had a very decent time, mostly slobbing around and raiding the Christmas ham, a thing everyone likes. Blessings on you all.

by someone like Dad do you mean someone on the spectrum?

Please, all who are coping with an autistic partner - don't engage with other people on the thread when they come on here and try to ensure we can't discuss how autism affects our relationships. It's a road to nowhere. Just ignore the baiting and carry on. I've seen too many arguments on this series of threads where some autistic people come in here and try and 'force' us to see things their way.

what they don't realise is that reason we're here is mostly because we're 'forced' into a whole host of things due to our DPs' inflexible behaviours on an every day basis.

The needs of NTs need to be met too. They cannot be sacrificed at the alter of NDs' needs at every turn.

Please do ignore them. Just continue on as though you didn't read whatever was said. We can't change them and they won't change us, that's for sure.

There is the occasional ND who comes on here, willing to learn and understand. They're always a pleasure to interact with.

I do! Thank you for the reminder.

I'm so glad you had a good Christmas TomPinch. That sounds lovely!

Ours wasn't too bad. It wasn't brilliant - but it wasn't terrible either..

DH was pretty good all round in the end. It's better he go off for his run and miss the present unwrapping and general help in the kitchen, as then he's much more civilised for the rest of the day. He was a great help washing dishes and helping out generally after lunch round at my parent's house and was smiling and chatty. He seemed to enjoy himself too which was great. He didn't seem wrung out at the end or down. He even spent a long time chatting to my DB about maths and science and they both agreed they should meet up for a beer and continue you on sometime.

I've just been on another Mumsnet thread and some people have it really bad. True, it's not like we are going through so it's different. But still, perhaps we have to be grateful for what we have, even if it's not quite what we expected. Perhaps perfection isn't available and we should keep that notion well and truly from our heads.