Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

@Daftasabroom thank you for the reasonable response and I'm glad my post hasn't caused offence. And hope it's ok to respond as you had tagged me. It's great that you're understanding your DW more and supporting her. It's a learning curve for all of us to understand ourselves and others. And I can see why the interest in our thread arose. Particularly for someone with an autistic DW rather than DH because autism manifests so differently in women than in men. That said, there are so many books now and documentaries explaining things from autistic people's point of view which could serve this purpose for posters here equally well in terms of gaining the understanding they are seeking to find ways to improve their relationships. My hope is that with me having explained how very distressing it's been for many of our posters to feel their support group is being analysed and used in this way that posters here would have the kindness to do us this favour and back off from using it in this way, even if they've found that useful, because there are others ways they can fulfil that need for more understanding from autistic peoples' view from sources where autistic people have willingly provided information for that purpose. Whereas the people posting on our thread really do not want what they're posting used for that purpose to the extent that it has driven some people away from being part of our group. So while as I know we cannot stop you doing that I suppose what I am doing is issuing a plea to ask you not to because you have others ways available to get the information you were seeking by reading our conversation yet many of our posters do not have other sources of getting the support they were getting from our thread and feel they can't continue to if it is going to be used like that by others. And yes I know that others may do that anyway as it's there online for anybody to access even if people here don't read it anymore but given what's happened these last few days that is my plea to you anyway, in the hope it will help people on our thread feel more comfortable again. Do with that plea what you will.

I hope things with your DW continue on the up.

so, back to support…

I was done yesterday, was going to leave, gave up hope, finished. Sat the DH and teen tunnocks (also AS or ADHD and OCD) down and said I wasn’t happy because I was expected to do all the accommodating all the time and it isn’t ok because the things I want and need are not respected or done - they are the first things to get dumped. That just because the things I want and need are not important to them doesn’t mean that those things are not important. And that I’m not sure what the outcome of this will be but that I’m going away with work next week and will add on some days to have a think and relax because I’m fucking knackered.

I didn’t sleep til 6am, spent most of the night crying intermittently - just hopelessness. They are happier without me, they really do run along ok - it’s my insistence that we eat together, there is hygiene, limits to screen time, family time that causes the fights.

today I woke up later than usual (knackered) to find the kitchen and bathroom cleaned, laundry on, I was brought a cup of tea, and we went for a walk together.

so? Guess I’m staying.

it won’t last, but it’s nice for now. I have run out of tolerance though, they need to find a way to accommodate what I need because I matter too.

@Nepmarthiturn Thank you for your considered and considerate post. I'll address how I feel about the thread and the behaviour of some of the people who came here, since I was the one that exploded about it.

It is appreciated that your couple of sentences that are rather difficult on your thread were not aimed at the posters here.

Ironically I think there are a lot of parallels between some autistic peoples' experiences and ours. To pick out a few sentences :-

It is a huge shame if people are driven away from being able to post honestly for fear of other people examining their comments.

It is disappointing ...that ... it to be ok to then behave in a way that stops our thread from functioning as it should and people being able to engage in it.

We just want to be left in peace and feel safe to talk without being analysed or judged [within the limits of being fair; in the past there have been times when this thread has become too negative, imo, but not in the last many months]

It seems unfair for our group to be punished in some kind or tit for tat when our thread is nothing to do with this one. I would agree with this - by asking that intrusive poster how she would feel if we behaved on your thread, the way she has behaved here, it was fairly much rhetorical.

The problem for us on this thread is that we are very, very closely monitored to the point that generally often people who have been here awhile have to watch every word.

It is not (at least for me) any more a safe place where I can be heard and listen. On this thread we have been told this thread should not exist, that we have no right to feel as we do and it's infinitely worse for our partners. I'm honestly not sure if some of the posters on your thread are the ones who have made these comments because I simply didn't read very far, but they do post their views frequently and widely.

It doesn't escape me that that some autistic people have very much had this experience too of being bashed, but I don't appreciate people coming to this thread, which is very clearly not for them, and saying these things for years. My tolerance for people intruding in a hostile manner and taking over the thread has vanished, and no, it is not your responsibility for them =)

It seems to me that now the link to our thread has been removed the easiest way to make everyone happy would be if everyone leaves everyone else's threads alone if they aren't aimed at them. So with that in mind I'll trundle off now but hope this post is taken in the spirit intended and doesn't cause more problems as that is not my intention, rather in the hope of a little more mutual understanding and to give the background to my wording in my OP and also to why it is such a big issue to have people on our thread feeling it's being analysed and discussed by others in a way that would for most threads not be much of an issue. I hope you can continue to support each other and we can be allowed the space to be able to do the same without being analysed by others.

Agreed. I very much hope this can happen, and that your thread can be a safe space for you, and this for us.

I matter too, it's important to get that verification from outside my family - paid employment, friendship, flirtation, likes on Instagram, tiny little ticks to fill the empty hole.
DH attitude to saying 'I love you' was to voice it in the early days then hope the public wedding ceremony put at end to any more of that task. It's made me very vulnerable to seeking praise from male colleagues, any hint of a compliment and I hug it close and replay it. As I've got older,more invisible it's hard. I have often thought of having an affair, my Autistic DH is so deep in his world he'd never notice. Just put my new found joy down to finally being good at my marriage.
I do regret not sleeping with a colleague, we'd have had such a good time. The chemistry was awesome.

^stealtheatingtunnocks · Today 17:27
so, back to support…^

Sorry; I was writing my post when you posted yours.

When it was all fields here on Mumsnet we used to just ignore posters on the 'wrong' thread or cheer ourselves up with a picture of Terry Wogans cock.
All of us seeking support on this thread are probably surrounded by people with an attention to detail and a need to explain, I really don't need it here.

@stealtheatingtunnocks yep totally get the ‘my needs are important too’.
My way to deal with it has been to put myself and my needs first. I didn’t say anything as such. I just did it. I found talking and explaining not helpful because it takes such a long time (think months if not years) for the penny to drop.

What I am REFUSING is to ever again be the emotional punching bag for anyone, whether it’s in RL or online.
I have enough to deal with. I have my own big issues health wise, grief etc.. not to also have to support others emotionally. So I’m holding tightly to my therapist comment ‘it’s his anger. His emotions. It’s up to him to deal with it. You can’t do it for him’.
I think I’m reached the bottom of my ‘be kind and compassionate’ bucket really.

@RabbitRussell I like that idea but could we find something wise than Terry Wogan 🤮🤮

Ha, I remeber TWC! Yes, those were the days.

no need to apologise, I’m very happy for others to chat with Visitors From The Other Thread.

I won’t, though, I have my fill of repetitive insistence at home - my choice is to ignore the posts which do not resonate and focus instead on the ones that do.

I used to be better at self care and filling the gaps but covid changed the work and hobbies network I had ans I’ve not managed to restore it. It changed DH too, actually. He deskilled socially in a way which was dramatic, and he really thrived on the solitude. So now I’ve got a man who’s trying to reengage wirh small talk and resenting the days when he could work from home and see no one at all.

I know what you mean about colleagues. I have one who is electrifying. We rarely work together and that is just as well.

an affair is not what I need - and I know what I am getting a thrill from are rotine things like eye contact, gentle teasing ans him bringing me a coffee the way I like it just because he was getting one for himself. It’s nice just feeling relaxed in his company.

id not have an affair, I’m a terrible liar and ifI leave I want to leave with a clear conscience.

About 20 mins after I’ve got a divorce sorted I’d be round at this co worker’s place though, ans I’d shag him dry.

its just depressing, this half lived love.

Yeah, I'm actually feeling the same way right now. DW is complaining that the children attack her and are very rude.

They are actually fine but, to put it bluntly, they don't want a ten minute speech full of unwanted advice that must be followed in response to a simple question that might warrant a convivial one minute chat, and, for whatever reason, DW is giving out lots of speeches right now.

DW won't here this though, and right now is blaming me for undermining her authority in the house by disagreeing with her all the time. I recieve the speeches too, and, if I don't agree with what she's saying I do say so and say why. I also step in if it's clear that the kids have clearly had more than enough, and I don't see anything wrong with this. Other than the speeches we are hardly talking right now. I'm feeling worn out and not very compassionate.

Gosh, yes! It's parallel play.

Thank you, that's really helpful.

He doesn't have friends at all, which troubled me for years, I tried to "improve" relationships with his family, co workers, my friends - it didn't work and that's because he (and they) didn't need it. I assumed he/they did, but I was wrong.

Despite this man not needing friendship or company or maintaining family relationships at all - he chose me.

Which is both flattering and bemusing in equal measure. I suppose I'm the person he wants to play alongside, which is lovely, but doesn't always work for me.

Parallel play, you nailed it.

I’m nit sure that DH doesn’t need friends.
He has commented before that he had to learn to do things in his own because no one would do it with him etc… So I don’t think he is that happy with no friend as such.
But his idea of friendship and what happens within it is probably different than what I would look for in a friendship. For him, it’s clearly about sharing his special interest with someone else. But only his special interest. Small talk etc… isn’t welcome.

(Maybe that’s what you meant @BlueTick about parallel play - didn’t get to see your post before it was deleted)

That’s an interesting point about friendship and the study you found.

It makes me wonder if that applies to love too. Is the way he feels in love ‘feels’/light up areas in his brain that are different from mines??

Just in case… this is NOT a criticism.
But the acknowledgment that maybe being wired differently means we expect and feel differently. And because expectations are so different but somehow we BOTH assume the other ‘functions’ the same way, we end up feeling let down and like the other is failing to meet basic expectations.

Really interesting @BlueTick and rings true in my relationship

I read your post last night @BlueTick and thought it was really insightful and it gave me a lot to think about. I'm sorry the hall monitors got it deleted.

I think some people don't grasp that we are our ND partners and childrens biggest advocates, certainly no one else in dhs life has put in the effort I have to try and really understand and cater to his needs. I do this because I love and care for him, yes, sometimes I fucking hate it, feel the need to vent, want to run away but I am actually a really great wife to him. I bend over backwards to be a great wife in ways that dh doesn’t even notice and often at great detriment to me so we can all live harmoniously. Dh is really happy in our marriage, is always baffled if I bring up an issue because he so happy and comfortable. It's far easier to paint us in black and white in the role of the witch though.

Long time lurker and new here so be gentle! I just had to say this thread gave me a tremendous amount of advice when I found myself dating an autistic man last year.

I know it's been a little derailed but it helped me loads so thanks to those that have contributed. There's probably hundreds of women like me that read and don't contribute so please keep venting and sharing. Like I said I found it very helpful.

Welcome @Crispsaremykryptonite !

As someone with ADHD, and the scars to prove it, I think dopamine has a lot to answer for.

There was a great phrase by a poster I'll see if I can find it.

Thank you @WakingUpDistress . Not sure I've got much to offer by means of support sadly as I ended my relationship 4 months ago!

I feel deeply for the partners on this thread. But there was a ton of stuff here that rang true with me and I suspect saved me years of driving myself crazy. Someone mentioned 'unintentional emotional abuse'.....I'd used that exact phrase when discussing things with a close friend. That was my exact experience.