Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

I want to be you Cazza. I want to be free. I loved reading your story as it has given me hope.

DC are 14 and 11 and I crave to be me again. I crave living alone on a sofa. Anywhere. Just not here.

my problem is mainly financial. I gave up my career 15 years ago. I don’t know I could re-enter the workplace on any kind of decent salary to be self-sufficient.

Like others on here, I also have a chronic health condition which is exacerbated by stress.

I love DH but I am alone so often it’s like I’m already on my own. Except I’m not free. Not really. He’s always there.

Hes spent years working to make money. He would be devastated if we split. We are all he has. But many days now I feel I can’t go on.

As so many say I feel exhausted, invisible, pointless, depressed.

I’ve stayed for the children but I’ve realised recently I’m so down that it’s affecting them and that’s not good for them either.

I make excuses all the time for DH’s criticism of them. He says we’re all snowflakes. I remind them how hard he works so we can have a good life (which is true) but the work is obsessional. He’ll be up tomorrow at 4:30am. Just gone to bed at 11:15 tonight. He’s not young anymore but very fit and strong so seems to cope. But he’s never around, ever.

Another huge source of pain that never lets up are the problems DC have at school having no friends, repeated rejections and endlessly bullying. Both have ASD.

This pain has been like the final wave I just can’t take anymore.

I can cope with a dud marriage but watching my children struggle and cry so often and the painful experiences has recently bought me to my knees.

I think I always hoped it would improve, they’d find their way. But DD just has had another horrible sinister bullying incident and I’ve realised I’m going to have put the pieces back together for my children forever. I’m not sure they will ever function happily in this world. It’s dawning on me that this won’t ever get better.

And that thought that they will always suffer and me by proxy has been so hard to handle.

Can anyone give advice on coping with long term trauma like this? Trauma that never goes away? I’m feeling like I can’t go on some days. Counselling doesn’t seem to work. I need to let the emotion in and out without it destroying me and my hope. But it’s so very hard.

I am so sorry you feel like you cannot break free. It sounds heartbreaking.

Can you start with addressing your health? I have rheumatoid arthritis and try not to accept being in pain. I am now very honest at my consultations and let them know if I think it is not being well controlled.

With the children, I am really not sure it is the best thing to stay for them? I think I offered a terrible role model of what a marriage was for my children. They never witnessed any love or affection which is not healthy.

I have found it surprising that I could claim some benefits for a while. I put in a claim for Universal Credit as I am paying rent. It might be worth a visit to CAB for benefits advice. For example, would you be able to claim PIP.

Dealing with the past trauma is the hardest bit. The times when he left me, I’ll and unwell to look after the children, the dismissal of my feelings. He once told me, when I was low in mood, that he felt like my “carer”. Not sure how seeing as I did all the housework, cleaning and running around after kids while working and looking after my Mum who had dementia!! I think we can only deal with it by talking and being honest with others about how we feel.

I feel for you so much. I left and literally had nothing but the clothes on my back and a blow up bed. But too be honest, the trauma of living in a miserable marriage is way worse.

You are so brave. I haven’t the guts to leave with nothing like you did. At least not yet. I wish I could but I’m afraid of what’s on the other side.

the children are still quite young.

can I ask what made you wait until they were older. Sometimes I feel I’m counting down the years. I ask myself could I leave when DS is 16? That’s “just another five years”

but the thought of another five years.

And even if I left, would things change for the children?

If they could only make friends and be happy at school I could survive another five years but neither have ever managed to make a friend. And yet they’d love to.

It’s death by a thousand cuts watching them suffer every day. And then no support from DH.

It sounds like you’ve been through the same. Their lack of care for what you are experiencing and often adding to the the horror is very very upsetting. I’m so sorry you had to go through so much.

Life on the other side sounds really good though and it’s given me hope maybe I could get my career going again. I mustn’t give up. Thank you.

BlueTick

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I saw my therapist last week and I described my situation and how I feel as feeling on my knees. I did feel so much better for having let it all out as there are no other avenues in real life for me to express myself to this extent. The main thing I talked about was feeling lonely (within my marriage). It's a deathly cold feeling. Normally, I don't do too badly and try to bumble along but I think this time of year exasperates things.

Not much to add except try to be really gentle with yourself and compassionate with yourself. We (yes there are others) are in a difficult situation.

You need emotional support in regards to your children and it is lacking from your husband. I have been through issues with my children (to a lesser extent) and know how difficult this can be. One friend has become a good sounding board in relation to this (almost like a mother figure as she has grown up children of her own). I do make sure I reciprocate for her. Do you know anybody like this? How old are your dc if in primary, is the school SENDCO on board? I think you should be having some meetings with them at least to express your concerns and talk about strategies like who your dd can talk to when these situations arise (which adult feels safe for her to talk to at school) and if older possible counselling. Sorry, this all sounds solution based when all you probably need right now is a great listening ear. I get that.

I'm also in the same place as you as in not feeling ready to walk away. A part of me is hopeful that these feelings of unhappiness will pass but the more time goes by the more doubtful this is. For now, I'm concentrating on building my self-esteem up etc. I feel like I've been invisible (including to myself) for a long time now.

I think, in all honesty Bluetick it was easier to leave when my children were older. I never really gave myself permission to and I had so many other things going on. I had health difficulties and was very focused on looking after my Mum with dementia. And I kind of just accepted ‘my lot’ in life.

It just kind of dawned on me, that I could not spend the rest of my life with just him and me. He never wanted to go out, I cannot remember a time he even came shopping with me. I used to cry when I saw other couples together. People say when your children leave home you can find each other again. How can you do that when you have not even held hands in about six years?

In a lot of ways, I wish I had left earlier but I know that would have been so hard. I think I should have been more open with friends about the difficulties in our relationship, especially around the lack of emotional support. I have found it surprising the amount of people that realised my husband was not relating to me in a typical way. He used to just see me as almost just another ‘body’ in the house and only communicate about practical things. I just could not my live with the lack of love anymore. I was never allowed to send him a text at work and it continues to surprise me that other couples do this.

I really wish you luck in your choices. Talk to people and think about becoming more financially independent as a first step.

Life is not all roses for me, My. Son continues to live in the same house as him so I don’t see him as much as I used to. But he will be 18 next year and we have really nice quality time together now.

@foxinabox3232 thank you. I've booked in to speak to a therapist - trying again - this week. Maybe I'll get some relief as you say, just to talk about it all. I'm not sure what I'm looking for - permission? Clarity? Hope? Perseverance? Energy to keep on keeping on.

The main thing I talked about was feeling lonely (within my marriage). It's a deathly cold feeling. Normally, I don't do too badly and try to bumble along but I think this time of year exasperates things.

I feel you so much with this. This time of year also really brings out all the sadness in me as I realise yet again how much I don't feel any kind of joy in the event at all and that other people are. It's very hard not to compare! It's such a grind doing it all alone (DH will go and exercise on Christmas Day leaving me to do everything). He also doesn't give or receive presents - so he finds the whole sitting around the christmas tree with the children boring/pointless - would rather be doing other things.

For now, I'm concentrating on building my self-esteem up etc. I feel like I've been invisible (including to myself) for a long time now.

Oh yes. Feel invisible too. I hope you can start to feel better. Are you working with a therapist? I've done some work on self-esteem in the past and I felt so much better. But then once I stopped paying for help - it slowly ebbed away again. I still think it was worth it though as I have changed some core beliefs and it got me out of a deep rut. I think this is key to getting the strength to make some changes for the better for many of us. Maybe even the strength and self-belief to leave.

And thank you for your lovely post. It helped me feel less alone and like I'm not imagining it all. It's so lonely at times and you wonder if it's you - are you asking too much? Should you just settle with what is? Life could be so much worse - but then couldn't life also be so much better too? So many questions.

Thank you again.

@Cazza49

He never wanted to go out, I cannot remember a time he even came shopping with me. I used to cry when I saw other couples together. People say when your children leave home you can find each other again. How can you do that when you have not even held hands in about six years?

This is us. We haven't held hands for many years. We used to watch telly together - maybe a film most weekends. But that stopped long long ago when the first child came. Maybe 15 years ago. Now all he does is work, sleep, exercise, eat and repeat.

He never wants to go out. Anywhere. We shop separately. I also look at couples and it makes me cry. I feel a longing for connection with someone - anyone. I can't fathom how he can function with so little connection to anyone, even to me. He doesn't look happy - and yet he doesn't want any kind of change at all. He would never go to couples counselling for instance. He'd rather divorce. He does not want to change.

He used to just see me as almost just another ‘body’ in the house and only communicate about practical things. I just could not my live with the lack of love anymore.

This also. I'm just a house-partner and parent-partner. I am allowed to send him texts at work but it's all very perfunctory and about organisation of things.

Thank you. It's really so good to read your experience. I hope you get a lot more time with your DS and can spend more time together as he gets older and he gets to know the real you as perhaps it was hard to truly be yourself in that environment. I sometimes think the children see a very watered down depressed version of their Mum much of the time.

And I hope life gets better and better for you. So brave, you are. You deserve all the good times you really do. Thank you for posting here and helping us know what is possible. It's some kind of hope for the future, something to cling onto to know that it can be done and that there are good times on the other side of all of this.

Bluetick

I am so glad that I can offer some sort of insight to people having made the decision to leave. I really do wish everyone can find some kind of acceptance and happiness if they decide to stay or wait a little longer to leave.

I totally recommend therapy and it has really helped me realise that the things I want out of a relationship are not abnormal or strange. I am a spontaneous, quite impulsive person which was quite difficult for my ex to manage due to the way he valued order and deep thought around decision making.

I have been able to indulge my impulsive nature and look and behave quite differently to how I was in the marriage. Although my daughter has also been diagnosed with ASD, she can really see how unsuited we were together as she became older.

You are so right about the diluted version of yourself. I would definitely start exploring who you are and what you want as a person, not just as a wife and mother.

I totally recommend therapy and it has really helped me realise that the things I want out of a relationship are not abnormal or strange. I am a spontaneous, quite impulsive person which was quite difficult for my ex to manage due to the way he valued order and deep thought around decision making.

Cazza I'm receiving therapy and this is how I am more spontaneous and quite impulsive and it is very different to how my husband is. How does this spontaneity/impulsiveness manifest in you?

This is really good advice and something I'm working on:

You are so right about the diluted version of yourself. I would definitely start exploring who you are and what you want as a person, not just as a wife and mother.

Wishing all of us here a peaceful Christmas and New Year. X

Well, we made it through Christmas Eve, probably because we were hosting, so nothing much in the way of unexpected surprises. One minor meltdown on the 23rd. Today's already getting difficult, trying to get 10 people to spend their day in the way that 1 person is expecting is always hard. Particularly when that 1 person is really bad at communicating how they expect the day to pan out.

Tell me about it.

Autistic DH gone off for a run. like he does every year.

children and I will open our presents on our own now.

DD autistic so very slow getting ready.

Trying to time it all with everyone’s “needs” is exhausting.

Of course because I’m NT I’m expected to take the brunt of it. Because life is supposedly “easier for me”.

Wish you all the best today Daft and hope things go as smoothly as possible so your day is stress-free!

Good luck everyone else. May the day be as calm and relaxed as possible!

I've been stood around like a lemon for the last hour and a half while my side of the family has gone for a walk. We're not cooking but according to DW expecting to go for a walk is a step to far.

Can I ask if a bad memory is a symptom? Or something to take into account? I’m having the most awful day. Dh got me a present that I asked him not to get me (long story but I explained reasons why on three separate occasions ) I was shocked to open it and admittedly said I told you. It to get it but then smoothed it over with a positive spin but I’m i grateful . He said he doesn’t remember these conversations at all. This happens all the time

so far today……he decided to walk the dog with me this morning, just the one day every year. Brings it home how awkward he is, he walks exactly where he wants to walk, pushing me into the verge, getting stressed by the dog stopping to sniff. Absolutely zero conversation for 45 minutes.

There’s more but I’ll spare you all.
We’ve exchanged presents (predictable from him, in fact exactly the same as last year) cooked and eaten dinner, it’s now 15.50 and he’s asleep, also predictable.

Merry Christmas everyone

Am I in the wrong for having no sympathy he is disappointed at me not wanting said gift when I had discussed with him three different occasions not to buy it me?

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain
My h says he doesn't remember me saying things. We can have a “conversation” and he won’t remember it 5 minutes later, but I think he actually doesn’t listen in the first place.

Not wrong at all @Forgoodnesssakemeagain

he Doesn’t remember so much and it has consequences like today but he always then makes me feel in the wrong about it..

My entire household is neurodiverse and we are all having a brilliant day, because every single one of us is having the kind of Christmas we like, and we are loving and accepting of each other and our differences. DS had been running around in his underpants all day eating Twiglets and turned down his place at the Christmas table. He hasn't opened a single present, we left them all unwrapped in a pile just how he likes them. DD has unwrapped everything, she loves that element, and had been looking forward to her Christmas lunch all day - then when it came ate about 7 pigs in blankets. DH got a bit overwhelmed around midday so I sent him off for a bath. My cooking duties are done and I will be slinking upstairs for a quiet half hour shortly, to bring myself back to equilibrium again.

Just because your Christmas is different is doesn't mean it's less. And you guys think autistic people are inflexible...

I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

I crave DH’s attention only to then regret asking for it.

He also walks in exactly the place he wants and ignores everyone else, often almost walking straight into people on narrow pavements instead of going round them and more often that not a few paces ahead of me. He is very impatient and would also be stressed out by a dog wasting his time on pointless sniffing!

DH does talk but always with strong opinions about factually based stuff.

I hope the day improves. I guess while he’s asleep you have time to work out what you want to do next…

And Christmas Day is nearly over!! 🙌🙌🙌

Nearly done for another year!

Well done everyone 🥰

@jamoncrumpets
that's fantastic, so glad you’re having a brilliant day and everyone is doing exactly what they want to. That’s just how Christmas should be.

I’m very flexible, don’t have any great expectations of the big day, spent many many years working Christmas/ New Year and not seeing family, so would happily stay at home/ go away/ eat traditionally/ eat takeaway/ see family/see no one. It really doesn’t bother me.

H, on the other hand, has expectations and I’m expected to fit in, what and when we eat, walking the dog together on this one day of the year, he insists we exchange presents but also insists we each buy what we want, apart from a couple of (completely predictable on his part) surprises.

Youngest S and DIL came over for a couple of days, went home yesterday, it was bloody lovely to see them. H spent most of the time they were here sleeping.

yes I’m a bit bitter. Sorry.

@BlueTick thank you

Happy Christmas to all of you.

The not listening thing? Drives me insane. Actually insane except then I become the bad guy, the grinch ruining Christmas, everyone is angry at me for daring to be angry instead of playing the role of happy wife and mother, you know the drill. The article below? I'm living it in real time.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

I am a shadow of the person I used to be. When DC is older I will be telling them never to marry someone like Dad because he will make an amazing Disney Dad but marrying someone like him will destroy you day by day, he will erode you until you no longer know who you are. He will not listen to you, ever, because you are not of interest to him. You will not exist as a person, you're just a function and an audience, sort of social background noise.

My future is to be a disabled single mother having wasted my best and healthiest years of life on someone who is great at grand gestures (shiny Christmas presents) but can't listen, can't show affection, can't even see why we're so unhappy because he doesn't actually understand what's missing. I can't stay any longer teaching DC how to die slowly in a marriage with no emotional partnership.

Happy Christmas. Sorry it's so bleak. I tried to get a family photo at the dinner table and he said why do you want it? And I felt like saying, because it's the last one, it has to be the last one, I've kept waiting and hoping, I can't do it anymore, it will never change, it's only getting worse.