Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

That sounds absolutely wonderful. ND or NT it doesn't really matter, what matters is getting on.

I love my ND family.

@jamoncrumpets DW has had a wonderful day, we've all let her do things her way at her pace. Everyone else has just got with stuff. It's been lovely to see her so happy. Genuinely.

Gosh, if only life was simple...

Here's wishing you all the very very best of wishes.

The funny thing is this thread helps me stay married, which ironically DH would be most grateful for. It's like one space where I can just have a quiet scream and release the pressure and then I can paint a smile on and go back to Christmas.

Except it's not enough anymore.

I feel your pain ShinySquirrel.

I wish I could find a way out.

I also feel I’ve wasted my best years.

Have you tried therapy of any kind? Did it help?

I just had a session, I’m trying again and it has made me think about a few small things I could begin to do to move towards more connection in my life.

And I think that’s what I’ve been missing so much. Connection.

And it’s the magic thing that’s missing in all of our marriages.

Is there any small step you could take? Or think on maybe? Just trying to offer a ray of hope.

The pact that you will just ignore autistic people who come on here and point out the obvious ableism? Nice pact, that.

it is these sort of “pacts” which destroy the mental health of so many autistic children - the exclusion they suffer is awful. This is nasty playground stuff - and I’m speaking from direct experience. It is bullying.

This is a public thread on a public forum. Suggesting that autistic people should be ignored (unless of course they show that they’re “willing to learn”) whilst at the same time denying there is any ableism here is incredible.

We've just had the 2nd Christmas meltdown.

Last night's was because my brother relaxed the rules of a grown up word game so his 11 yo dyslexic daughter could join in.

Today's was because we went for a walk at the time we had arranged, we obviously should have known that she would only be another five minutes, despite the fact that she was in her dressing gown at said time, and despite the fact she spent half of yesterday complaining that expecting a walk was a step to far. So we now have slamming doors, insults, throwing things, shouting, muttering etc and an atmosphere you could cut with a knife.

DW has just this minute dragged the kids off for a walk. It's just started pouring with rain. This is going to be my fault obviously.

@MNHQ won't take it down. I pointed out the obvious prejudice. The ableism. That autism is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act.

I just get lots of 'Yes we are looking at it' messages and nothing done.

Sorry you are in difficult marriages, folks, but it ain't autism ruining your lives.

Ironically I cross posted with the last two posts and even more ironically DH could genuinely post right now, that his wife is "still in her pyjamas having an agreement yesterday we would go for a walk (in RL it was actually a meal we planned) She did tell me yesterday she was really tired at the moment but at least she has finally got out of her dressing gown and dragged the DC out now and I can go complain about her"

Actually in RL DH has made me a cup of tea, brought me Christmas biscuits, switched my hot blanket on for me and told me to rest and not to worry as we can go out another day.

If you are exaggerating the behaviour of your partner so you can attribute it to something (especially if it's something you are "diagnosing" yourself) and soliciting sympathy for yourself, it's shit behaviour on your part.

If you aren't exaggerating genuinely partner is dragging your DC about, shouting and throwing things, its shit and abusive behaviour on their part to you and your DC and you should end the relationship. Take some responsibility and proper action FFS. Instead of blaming each other and arguing, prioritise your DC and end your relationship.

So which is it and what are you going to do instead of sitting here complaining as you have been doing for years? Stop being passive and take some responsibility and take some action for fucks sake. You have DC, stop complaining about the impact it's having on you and protect them!

You aren't allowed to be positive about autism on here either. It's 'boasting'.

Because you can't just be happy and autistic and bumping along ok, it has to be showing off.

We work hard in our family to accept and support each other, but the work doesn't feel like work, it's driven by love.

I'm not actually sure I agree that MNHQ should take it down @jamoncrumpets as it just sends mindsets and behaviour like this "under the radar".

I think this is an public forum, and I would much prefer to see posters airing their discrimination being challenged and actually taking stuff on board. Even posts just being deleted hide the extent of this discrimination and I think it should be out in the open. If people have an open "pact" to ignore these challenges it actually demonstrates their closed mindset (oh the irony) and their unwillingness to take responsibility, and shows exactly how discrimination like this happens in RL and how children are being brought up to exclude and bully children who are neuro diverse/have a disability or difference (or whatever term you prefer).

@BlueTick I am having therapy thanks and it's definitely helping giving me a venting space but in the new year it's going to be becoming more solution focused. I think I'm getting closer to crunch time now. I'm going to be seeing a lot of my therapist!

Hang in there @Daftasabroom!

It's strange how I have these moments of real clarity but then how easy it is to drift back into the comfortable daily routine. I know people who have lived pleasant, comfortable lives with partners they barely know but they're just made differently from me. I think when I first met my DH I didn't know myself very well so our emotional range matched. I think I assumed over time we would grow ever more connected. I mean, that was how I thought marriage would be.

It just never happened. DH just wants a calm life with no emotional turbulence. Eating the same foods, working all the time (his special interest - at least it pays the bills). Nothing is allowed to disrupt the equilibrium. I was quite emotional this Christmas, still adapting to being disabled. I did my best but in fact spent chunks of Christmas day hiding in a room on my own. I just don't have the energy or desire to fake it anymore.

There is the occasional ND who comes on here, willing to learn and understand. They're always a pleasure to interact with

Ouch.

Thanks @SquirrelSoShiny we're all calm again now.

Someone I know is going though this right now. Son is on the spectrum too. She says part of her wishes so hard he could find a nice girlfriend and have a relationship, the other part of her feels like if he did make a girlfriend she'd be telling her to run for the hills. Very difficult and conflicted feelings. :(

I can see all sides with this thread.

Both my soon to be ex husband and my daughter have been “officially” diagnosed with autism.

I would never want someone to run away from my daughter. But it is part of her attitudes towards relationships which is one of the many reasons I thought she might have autism.

They are not a priority for her, at least not above her friendships. She is a fiercely loyal friend and does not understand why romantic relationships are different to friendships.

She has a wonderful quality to her and we have lovely chats about relationships. She is queer and beautiful and fun! Her unconventional attitude to relationships make it easier for her to accept her parent’s divorce, she genuinely thinks no one should stay if unhappy.

Ex husband has had lots of amazing qualities, loyal, great provider and a committed father. He has struggled to accept that people change and have different views to him. People change, fall out of love and divorce regardless of a partners autism diagnosis. I do feel it may have helped if He had been diagnosed earlier, but absolutely not sure it would have saved my marriage.

We are intensely different people and want very different things in a marriage which I feel is the crux of the issue rather than his Autism. I really do hope he finds someone more suited to his personality than I am.

A lovely post Cazza49. Thank you. I see all sides too I feel. I am so conflicted it is an endless puzzle that cannot be rectified and I hate problems with no solution.

I have an autistic DD as well who sounds similar. She is younger than yours by the sounds of things and says she doesn't understand romance. I hope one day she will find someone who can give her the love she so very much deserves. She is a beautiful, wonderful person and I adore her.

I love my autistic DD. I do actually love my DH as well.

It's just very very hard at times and yes we are fundamentally very different people, DH and I.

The thing I find hard are his routines. And his inflexibilty. And his lack of showing his love, care and attention towards me. But he has many good qualities too.

I don't come here on this thread to show his good side though (why would I?) and I wish people could understand this.

By nature this thread will be a load of complaining and moaning. That's what MN is for isn't it? It's to unpick the mysteries of life - am I being unreasonable- the reason it is so popular is because people need to know - is it me - or them? Can I behave like this or I can't?

It's OK to moan. It's OK to complain. It's OK to ask for other's help and their thoughts on a situation when we are overwhelmed and many of us on this thread are overwhelmed and directionless.

I come here to understand how to survive the endless routines. I come here to understand that I am not invisible and how to pick myself up. I come here to know that I am not alone even when I feel very lonely in my marriage.

I come here to support others in the same boat, experiencing the same thing. That is what humans do, isn't it? Discuss their problems and try and find solutions.

(Sorry Cazza, last paragraphs not talking back to you - but general thoughts on the thread).

I'm so glad it has passed Daft. That sounded very stressful. I hope the children weren't too soaked when they got back and DW had perhaps calmed down after the physical exercise?

Funny how there are these flashpoints and then it's all calm again. We have them too.

I had to explain to my DH yesterday why I was upset and what I was upset about.

I then told him the exact words he needed to say to make me feel better and that I needed a hug.

he then executed perfectly and I was able to resolve some of my sadness.

We try with you. Please try with us. Your needs do not trump ours and vice versa.

You must be willing to try. It cannot be a one way road. Or should NTs do all the work?

Where did I say "NTs should do all the work"?

I would never describe people only as a descriptor of their condition I would not dehumanise them in that way.

They're all fine thank you @BlueTick the DCs are hardy souls, and will quite happily walk 20m or cycle 50m a day. It was really about DW having very specific expectations but not actually communicating what they were

We get this at every family gathering. DW has everything planned in her head, but it never quite goes to plan.

It was implied in the word "ouch".