Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

That’s WakingUpDistress btw.
ive name changed once again ….

It’s hard for me to explain and I wonder between is he an arse or is there more going on. My dd has adhd and son asd traits and I see very similar in dh.
things that cause us problems-
1.communication- him forgetting things I have said and asking the same question we have just talked about, him mid interpreting what I am actually saying, him thinking through his eyes only and assuming I am saying something that I am not. Talking for me. Re telling something but not in the same way it happened..
2- his forgetfulness whether it’s plans we have, when to pick the kids up (same time for years from clubs but he can’t remember) to locking the front door, the car or his things like his wallet when we go shopping as he “didn’t think”
3- not wanting any chit chat or small talk, walking off or cutting in when I’m mid conversation as he is finished. Or thinks I have finished. Having to stop what he is doing when I speak to listen - he can’t seem to multi task and speak whilst for example putting out the bins. He can’t listen too and gets cross at me saying why can’t you listen at the same time?
4 - gets over whelmed and irritable but I think that’s down to poor time management as he puts things off and doesnt plan ahead for things.
5 always tapping and bouncing his foot plus clears his throat all the time
6 says I’m over the top and has no sympathy..
there is so much more and I feel sad writing this as I was also a happy bouncy person.
please ask more to help me figure this out!

((Hug))

Me too. I’m chronically ill. More or less housebound. Dependent on him for many things.

My advice to anyone is ‘Don’t wait until
you are so run down and ill to take the decision to leave’

It’s like he has no sympathy and says I’m over reacting to things when I am not- he made us late recently for my birthday treat out and we missed half an hour of the event and he was shitty with me for being mad and frustrated. He hates my emotions of frustration which I think are valid and shouldn’t be suppressed.

he is moody and grumpy and works all the time can’t switch off from work. Doesn’t plan anything to do, has no friends or hobbies..

Seems to just do things according to himself and not me or the kids always says “I didn’t think” is quite solitary.
i remember when I invited a new friend round with her husband and when I greeted them and showed them in I wondered where he was to find him in the kitchen, I had to tell him to go out and meet them.
I didn’t notice his anxiety around people when we met as we were in our 20s so nights out involved alcohol and he is fine once he has had a drink. Although then I have witnessed the same thing where he hasn’t listened to what the other person has said and answered something that doesn’t match with the question or repeated what they have said..

I can't chat anymore. It feels pointless as I get little or no response. Sometimes he'll even walk away or pick up his phone. Or just start to walk off to do something, but stop just at the doorway - it's almost comical, like 'how far saws can I get, while still being in sight and therefore still officially listening'. My confidence is on the floor.

recognise this too. It's like he knows he should be interacting (at least if others were around) but finds it near to impossible. It rubbed off :( I stopped talking, and only now, 3 1/2 years on, am I starting again.

I don't attempt to make any decisions or to disagree with him about anything. It's not worth it.

Yes.

it isnt any way to live; it's a subjugated life.

Thank you for the replies. I'm so sorry to everyone who is suffering. Because we've only been living together for 7 months, I think I'm in a very different place to many of you.

It's frightening for me to hear how life is long-term living with a partner like this. Someone mentioned they move between thinking 'is it me?' and 'is it him?', which is exactly what I do too. I don't want to separate. I want to learn how to make it better, how to help him, how to build up my own resilience to his ways. Am I being stupidly naive?

He loves me, and he sees his faults, but he is of course not able to spend every minute of time with me moderating his behaviour, so while he tries, he usually disappoints me. And he sees that and I feel terrible for him too.

Maybe I just need to spend lots of time with my friends, to stay sane and not lose myself.

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain

those certainly sound ... familiar ... but it really is hard to tell online. The absolute certainty that he is right and his is the only possible viewpoint also sounds unpleasantly familiar.

If your daughter has ADHD and your son has ASD traits, well, there is a genetic component to ASD.

Would he consider going for an assessment? Some people will, some won't. IF, if it is ASD then it will come down to 2 things: 1) will he consider adapting and changing his behaviour so you are not so unhappy and 2) will he be able to, and will that be enough?

Whatever else, it's clear that you are deeply unhappy and feel like you have changed for the worse, due to an adverse marriage. It's okay to consider leaving in those circumstances, if the practical aspects allow it (People say oh just leave, but it really, really, really isn't that simple often enough specially if kids are involved).

But it's okay to consider it. You are entitled to not be desperately unhappy.

@eggyeggy because of my own experience, I want to say ‘just go. Yes you love each other but love won’t be enough’

And then I remember that some couples make it work (see the previous thread) and it would be very discriminatory/ableist to do so.

id say being aware about it is a great start. And the fact he agrees he has some traits is great too.
Then you need to be aware there will be a lot if adjustments on both sides and it will only work if both you AND him are ready to make those efforts in the long run. Not just in the honeymoon phase.
Dont forget what your boundaries are and what a good relationship in the long run FOR YOU. And don’t accept to renegade those
eg if having long chats about anything and every thing is essential to you, then maybe you’re not a good match. Don’t let Love make loose sight of that.

I can't chat anymore. It feels pointless as I get little or no response. Sometimes he'll even walk away or pick up his phone. Or just start to walk off to do something, but stop just at the doorway - it's almost comical, like 'how far saws can I get, while still being in sight and therefore still officially listening'. My confidence is on the floor.

I can relate to this. I usually remain fairly bouyant but at the moment I am at a low ebb. It might be to do with the fact that it is the run up to Christmas and my relationship has not been good for some time now. I would say that I cannot attribute the state of my entire relationship to neuro diversity, there have been other aggravating issues but in essence our communication is very poor. I am recovering from mental health issues and I have made good progress with this but unfortunately, the more I seem to improve, the more my relationship seems unsatisfactory. I'm thinking, late forties now and this is it for me. Usually, I just keep on keeping on (I have dc and plough on) but over the past few days have been struggling with a kind of loss type feeling, not helped by hormonal fluctuations I'm sure.

It's okay to consider leaving in those circumstances, if the practical aspects allow it (People say oh just leave, but it really, really, really isn't that simple often enough specially if kids are involved).

This also applies. It really isn't that simple.

@VahineNuiWentHome I know I should make plans but these will take years, and as well said, I'm just too tired.

He has certain traits that I think are on the spectrum, and his son seems to be the same. But,, but, he is intelligent, attractive (still, to me) we can talk a lot about. Lot of things, so it isn't all bad....

But, again, it's the 'my way is the best way '. I did get very clean kitchen out of that this week,, but i know how long his way of keeping the kitchen clean will last...

He also makes better lasagne, chili, curry than me (he doesn't really),, but again I become an appreciative consumer.

If only I could just let things flow over me, but I don't have that character. I ,am aged for so many years not having his expertise to help me, and I Managed really well...

Oh yes, and he has 'the hobby', the one he can go on about for hours, and assume I am as interested in. I'm happy in one way he does have this, as he gets to mix with other people in his club (and leave me alone for hours on end.)

And, also, we have spent the last 7 years renovating our 'dream' home and it still has at least another year - it has become more of a nightmare now. It is unsaleable in its current state. Although we still work mornings on it, as he HAS to work on the hobby in the afternoons, I'm starting to think (actually for the last few years) that the hobby is far more important than finishing the home.

I provide most of the income (75%), and don't want to leave him destitute, but I left my children (adult now) and country for this man, so, yes,I do feel resentment

Rant over, but I am glad I'm not alone, but not glad so many others have to go through this.

DW has just had a massive setback at work. To put it bluntly, years of effort and expense looks like it will be a complete waste of time.

DW has been openly asking what the point of her existence is, and she's saying that whenever she's herself everyone hates her.

I don't know what to do or say to comfort her and help her come to terms with it. It's not that I feel out of my depth - I have been in situations like this before - it's just that I'm out of ideas.

I feel like this is the final defeat in a series of defeats for her regarding employment and when it sinks in it could be bad.

@TomPinch that sounds worrying.
Has she got some MH support in place?

Well, that would be me.

The problem is that I'm worn out and for other reasons could actually do with someone to lean on myself. So I feel there's only so much compassion I can offer. The other problem is that she will have to come to terms with this, ie, not let it eat her up. She can hold on to things for years.

She does have people she regards as friends but she hasn't seen them in years. I've encouraged her to get in touch with them bit they're not replying. She doesn't regard socialising as important.

So I'm a bit stuck.

@eggyeggy

sensitised - tick
a thousand cuts - tick
no allowed to make decisions - tick
the internal world - tick
I can't put my finger on it either, it is so so hard to describe.
When I asked what DW's plans were for the week, all I got was "working".

@TomPinch I've been in a particularly dark place recently, Christmas holds a huge amount of trauma for me. DW handed me a post-it with a help line number on it but she never actually asked if I'm okay.

Having a relationship is hard work & confusing! My partner has been diagnosed & is aware of the fact that he behaves a certain way. A lot of the querks don't bother me at all ( Strong line in my family, including my brother, so used to it to an extent) I am however finding his inability to plan & prioritise quality time together upsetting. We don't live together as have teenagers of different ages & have already established that it wouldn't work. I would however like us to spend more time together when we don't have the kids. Instead he will stick to his routines religiously. We haven't had a proper holiday since we've been together ( 3 years) & work always takes priority. I also have moments like TomPinch said when I need support.
It all sounds a nightmare BUT what makes it confusing is that he is a lovely guy. In a lot of ways we are very compatible & when we actually get together have fun. I know he can't change, he is who he is. I need to decide whether to call it a day, or treat it as less of a relationship & more of a fwb.
Sorry for the long post & not really looking for answers, just needed to vent.

@TomPinch then a better question might be
Do YOU have some support in place?

A little note from the other side. I've been apart from my husband nearly a month now.. Physically that is - thousands of miles apart - but we still text daily. I don't mind so much, I think he is quite lonely and it's just been pleasant chit chat, photo sharing of stuff in our lives etc. He's funny so I enjoy his joking and silliness. He's only had a few small rants about prices where he is so that's good. Apart from the initial shock of being back home he seems to have adjusted ok so far. I was worried about his mental health so I'm glad he's doing ok.

He's not told any of his friends about us yet apart from one guy who was wanting to meet up with us over here. I think he feels like he's failed and is embarrassed to say anything. Also he can be quite secretive in general so maybe just doesn't want to.

It feels weird, I think on some level it's not quite hit me that he's not coming back here. It will take some getting used to but I'm also enjoying the freedom of not walking on eggshells, having to eat too much junk food due to his very picky eating and being able to watch TV when I want, given that he hogged the tv and sofa amongst many things. And I no longer feel ill and anxious worrying about things. For months I had a constant stay/go argument going on in my head repeatedly. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders now. I still have his man clothes in my wardrobe and various other things of his lying around. It will take some time to sort through everything.

I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends and enjoying my home. He took over a couple of rooms here with all his stuff so in a way it's like they're new to me. I just want to take things slowly and enjoy life. Live simply, maybe get some new hobbies. I'm not looking to meet someone new, if it happens great but I just want to enjoy life and definitely won't be doing online dating again (where we met) as there's so many abusers, idiots and narcs around. Although my husband wasn't an abuser per se some of the things he said and did were very damaging to me and I don't want to fall into a similar pattern again.

I've decided to live up to my username and throw in the towel. I told him I was unhappy months ago. Nothing has changed. No amount of counselling will make him affectionate or communicate.
I told him that we need to get through to new year then get the house on the market. He wasn't surprised but said he doesn't want to lose me. He didn't say anything about loving me. He didn't want to split the family up or leave the house. Nothing about me....says it all really!
I'm making plans, worked out a few financial things. I can afford to get a big enough mortgage to buy a house for me and DC.
He will want 50/50 which I'm ok with.
I can't stay just so I can advocate for DC and intervene when they're not communicating. His relationship with them is his to fix. I can't do it anymore.
I'm going to see a solicitor after Christmas to work out the finances.
I feel like a load has lifted and hopeful for a happier future.
I'm in my 40s and I can't live like this another 40+ years

Some - I don't know whether it'll be enough though. The people who I think would be most helpful are also people I want my DW to get to know better.

A few people at work have some idea - they're all people I've worked with for years and we know each other pretty well, but having to rely on work colleagues isn't ideal.

I don't think counselling will help me with this.

Sending you all love. I'm sorry I vanished and so many of you have been so wonderful. I haven't actually got the resources to think about life beyond at the minute. Just focusing on getting through Christmas and into January. I'm actually avoiding MN full stop at the minute.

Sending the biggest hug to all of you and I'm so sorry and sad that people are struggling at the minute x

@Cazza49 I think your post was so beautiful. I'm so happy for you that you got free.

I'm having to just bide my time at the minute and some bit of me still hopes that things might change. My DH is a good man, he's just different and in some ways not someone I will ever be happy with. I just have this inner conflict all the time because I'm trying to hold those two factors in balance and I'm exhausted from it.

Sometimes I wish I could write a warning to people to be observant of these traits when embarking on relationships and to think very carefully about whether this relationship will ever meet their needs. I have no doubt my DH could be happy with others, he only needs some very basic things, he doesn't even recognise what's missing in our relationship because it's something non-existent to him. That emotional bond. I've just been living without it so long I've forgotten what it's like having it so it seems normal now. It has blunted my capacity to have it within a normal range.

I actually think if I left I would be at risk of ending up in a really volatile relationship because the novelty of intense emotional connection would light up my dopamine receptors like a Christmas tree 😬

The sadness is that I can see all that is so wonderful about my husband. His sense of duty, his fidelity, his commitment to practical caring. It's just that what is missing is so intangible.

Squirrel
I could have written you post almost word for word. I am having the same wrestle with it all. I get it. I really do. I crave the emotional bond and yes, you are right about the dopamine receptors, I think the same would apply to me re. new relationships.

I'm having to battle limerance and the horrible cycle it entails and the stories created in my head and the fact that none of it is real and then the sad, shameful feelings that follow. Working so, so hard on myself in terms of developing my sense of self (I'm doing well so far) but it always feels like this thing is missing. I'm trying to practice getting more connected/more real with friends for this reason but I still can't help longing for a special connection and feeling more (I think I've checked out of relationship to a large extent now).

And, whilst I remain here, it likely always will be this way. And, if I leave, I may never get what I crave anyway. Like you, hoping things will change. Unlikely. I am however, going through the perimenopause and wondering if this is presenting another exasperating layer (so wouldn't want to make a dramatic decision right now anyway...but maybe this is just another excuse). Also, trying to keep regulated around all of this for my dc who are relatively young.

This time of year is especially difficult I think. Just waiting for it to pass.

I'm lonely in my marriage. DH not assessed as being on the spectrum but there's something that's not right and I'm really unhappy.

DH is a funny man and generally people love him- cracking jokes, generally unconventional and he is fun to be round, very knowledgeable about stuff. Has a superiority complex because generally he knows more than anyone else about some topics such as music, films, football and lots of other stuff- well read etc
He tells me he loves me and I think he probably does but he lacks empathy and emotional reciprocity.

He shouts a lot at the Dc which I try to tackle him on. He's untidy and never puts anything away. He 'loses' things often such as his bank card, keys, phone etc. He will say he'll do things then doesn't so I'm chasing him constantly and then he shouts at me for example he hoovered a couple of rooms the other day and then left hoover upstairs and I said can you put it away and he said 'yes just about to' which is what he always says. He then moved it downstairs but still not in the cupboard. He does this type of thing all the time so it drives me potty. I'm struggling to explain all this because on screen I imagine I just sound petty

Thank you SquirralsoShiny that is very kind.

I just reached a point where I absolutely could not continue with my shell of a marriage, it took about ten years to get to that point.

Connecting with friends and family is so important. And please talk to them, if you can. I kept so much hidden from mine. It’s only now that family have told me how worried they were about me.

Try and prioritise your own wishes and desires. I would say that I suppressed my emotional needs so much that I almost forgot I had any.

I have started a new relationship and very aware of my vulnerability. I have learned to be so self sufficient and it is not easy, but very slowly getting there. The sense of freedom and control over my life is amazing.

Take your time and think about what kind of life you want. I genuinely hope my ex meets someone that is more suitable in the long term and can be happy also.