Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Support is available :)

@SquirrelSoShiny how are you doing today?

@WakingUpDistress I'm managing thanks. I can't take any drastic steps at the minute because my health needs to be the priority.

Normally I have about 2 crisis points a year. They just seem to have hit at a different point this year.

Hope everyone is doing OK and thank you for the real time support at the weekend.

Thank you for this thread.
It took some time for me to get here, but I'm in, if you'll have me.

Reading you@SquirrelSoShiny I cried so much, that's it exactly, down to the car, everything. I hope you feel better today. I wished i could tell you you're always welcome in those moments, to drop by or meet for a chat and a coffee, but I guess that's what this thread is. Thank goodness for it.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar 'You aren't ever going to win, because actually you can't control him or his thought processes or behaviour. Only your own.' I've been in denial for so long, oh no, I didn't want to change him, I just wanted him to treat me as an equal, like he said we were a team, when we got married (his team I guess?), he'll never do that, wanting that basic thing, equality, that I give to everyone I meet is asking to much from my husband, it's asking to change him. He's not doing any of it on purpose, the only thing that matters in his life is the business, churlish of me to point out there is no life for us at all outside of it. He has all the symptoms, all of them, but will never get tested, let alone acknowledge, work on it, anything, coz, he's focusing on what's important, the business. I'm not a pampered wife at home, I work at it just as hard as he does, it just that nothing I do or say matters, all successes are his, all difficulties my fault and/or my problem to solve. So this is us, this strange man that no one can work with for long or include in socials anymore and the pathetic broken woman. What a joke.

There's not enough of me left to do more than go through the motions, trying to make a home for my DCs. I am not contemplating leaving, there's no point, I have nothing left. I once moved to a new country on my own and made a successful life, now I am no one. Reading your experiences cuts through my coping mechanisms and shows them for what they are: useless.

@NotEvenI

The point comes where you feel that there is not enough of you left, but from experience if you leave, slowly, slowly something comes back. I will never be the person I was, but I can tease my now-companion again. Now and then I laugh. The ability to enjoy myself is not yet back but there are moments of it.

I understand oh-so-well just how hard it is to leave, but if somehow you do find the spark - you will grow again. Slowly. But you will.

My heart goes out to you (and almost everyone else on this thread)

Thank you. I needed to see that

I hope your path grows easier, @fuckthisforagameofdarts

On an everyday life note, DH has just made the loading and running of the dishwasher his area of expertise. It's not enough to just share it or muddle through. Despite two decades of experience it needs him to assess whether it's appropriately loaded and full enough. A Sunday roast plus snacks and breakfast shouldn't mean it needs running on a Monday morning.

DW does this with the washing machine and our finances. It's really OCD.

DH does this with the washing machine too, I’m literally not allowed anywhere near it!

She also has to do a full load and put things on the right program, so only woolens can go on the wool program, no way could a cotton tee shirt go on the wool program. It means we can sometimes wait months for a full wool load.

I take secret delight in occasionally waiting for her to go to work and doing a mixed load on the lowest program.😈

😂😂😂

To me fair that sounds like me 😂

I'm just wondering what's next - cleaning the loo? Dusting the skirting boards? Unlikely.

It's only ever technology related. So cutting an acre of grass with a non-driven lawn mower was my job, occasionally shared, 90/10. Cutting the grass with the fancy, might require fixing, technical driving challenge became his area of total responsibility 100% with supervision if I happened to tackle it if he was distracted elsewhere.

I joined the old thread but have now found this one. I’m not sure if my dh is on the spectrum or it’s just the way he is but I. Finding him such hard work to live with and it’s really making me feel down. We seem to argue to much and it’s mainly down to the way he interests what I say and his lack of emotional availability. It sounds so silly but we went to a friends the other day and I was on the sofa and then he came to sit down and I said oh move up a bit to let x sit down too and he ignored me so I said it again and he refused. It turns out he thought “why should I move when she can”
I stood my ground and said just move.
we spoke the next day as o said it was embarrassing as I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just budge up and his response was “ you had identified a problem so why didn’t you just move?”
it’s exhausting! Yes I could have moved but I was sat there and he came to sit down as he sat I just said about making sone room, surely it doesn’t need all of this?
he is like this to me all the time

Silly phone it’s interacts not interests

Thanks for the new thread. I'm stuck really, too old, too tired. I left a lot to be with this man, didn't realise what was coming.
I'll probably rant more....

Welcome to new people. Tell us your story, lots of support here. Be mindful of the “rules” in the OP

Reading through everyone’s messages resonates so much with my own situation. I have been married 22years to my husband, two children now 19 and 17. I decided to divorce in March 22. Despite having no sex in 6yrs, and absolutely no physical touch such as a hug, he did not think there was anything wrong. He has worked hard to build a massive pension so he can retire early, I had to beg for any money to be spent on the home. When my daughter left for Uni, I realised the kids were so much older and did not need me to stay. My 17 yr old son finishes A levels in the Summer and remains with his Dad at present.

We spoke a lot about contributing factors to the decline of our relationship. I have had depression and anxiety and have a long term health issue and have suppressed immunity. I have been incredibly unwell and was left to look after the two small children when I have had pneumonia so he can focus on work. Work and financial planning are his main focus in life. He always wanted to retire at 55, but I am back working full time again and loving it! People blame the menopause for lots, but it has given me a new lease of life so am very blessed.

He sought a diagnosis on the NHS and went private this year and they confirmed Autism. My daughter has also been diagnosed with Autism and my son with ADHD. I feel it explains a lot about our family dynamics.

I left the family home in September 2022. I had nowhere to sleep apart from the sofa and the atmosphere in the house was so cold. Since then, I am thriving to be honest, making my own decisions and finding aspects of my personality that I have repressed, especially my own emotional experiences.

For anyone not ready to leave, I started making small decisions before I left . Playing music I liked in the kitchen and not allowing him to turn it off. Wearing what I wanted, and spending more time away from the home. I found it so helpful to try and explore who I was as a person, I lost weight and started to look after myself. I even started attending a church, something he could not agree with as I was an atheist and could not change my mind or opinions.

It has been hard, put people and circumstances change. We all have the right to be happy. My path ahead is messy, but at least I am in control and that gives me comfort.

Thank you as I wasn’t sure this thread was active so that’s great. I’m just so confused as to what is going on. It’s all so inconsistent I question my sanity and if I’m being unreasonable all the time.
it all feels such hard work

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain Can you say a bit more? you gave an example but somehow it came over a bit difficult to understand for me (sorry!) and it's been very stressful here.

Sometimes it's not autism, sometimes it's just people being arses. How is communication generally with him, and emotional reciprocity? with my ex, he wasn't my first relationship but there was something -qualitatively- different in the way he communicated (or didn't) and thought that was alien to anything I'd come across before in other relationships. I couldn't understand it until after years I came across a description of autism and then our son was diagnosed. Communication issues and inflexible (by NT standards) thinking are two of the more notable hallmarks of autism, though ofc it can't be diagnosed unless by a professional. (even if it's as plain as an iceberg when you're in the artic)

I've been lurking for a few days, it feels both comforting and terrifying to read this. DP and I have been together just 4 years, and have just bought a house together this year. Both early 40s.

In short, I feel as if I am having some kind of breakdown. It's like death by a thousand cuts. I can't put my finger on it, but it's killing me. I've gone from outgoing, energetic, sociable and optimistic, to depressed, anxious, avoidant, quiet and drained.

I can't chat anymore. It feels pointless as I get little or no response. Sometimes he'll even walk away or pick up his phone. Or just start to walk off to do something, but stop just at the doorway - it's almost comical, like 'how far saws can I get, while still being in sight and therefore still officially listening'. My confidence is on the floor.

I don't attempt to make any decisions or to disagree with him about anything. It's not worth it. His inflexibility (he doesn't really recognise it as anxiety, but it is) is so immense, he gets angry and irritable if he loses control over things (like cooking or packing away the shopping).

I don't know. It's not all awful. I keep thinking it's just me when im not actually with him, then when I am, I realise it isn't me. But it's like I've got really sensitised to it, so each time I'm made to feel invisible, it makes me want to cry. I just don't want to be around him. I feel broken.

Sorry, typos! Hopefully it makes sense

He's not diagnosed but his two sons are, and he acknowledges he has the same traits. He tries hard, but he can't change I guess. It's like what's happening in his internal world is more important than anything else.

I can't chat anymore. It feels pointless as I get little or no response. Sometimes he'll even walk away or pick up his phone. Or just start to walk off to do something,

yep dh is exactly like this.

ive given up. I dont think it’s because he doesn’t care about me. It’s because he doesn’t care about what I’m saying and something else has come to his mind, something he sees as more important, so of he goes.
(and sometimes it’s also because he finds it boring or doesnt want to engage…)
The number of times I’ve told him ‘but I told you about it’ and he’ll swear I haven’t. I have but he treated my chat as unimportant chitchat he doesn’t need to take any notice of 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️