How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

If he isn’t asking for advice then don’t offer any. He may just be using you to sound off.
Plenty of couple don’t have date night/frequent intimacy, if he doesn’t want to be with her he can and will end it without your advice.
Are you lining yourself up to take her place or something?

No lol I have a partner and am also a fair bit younger than he is! He's a close friend through work and we often car share which is why we talk about our lives often together.

He hasn't directly asked for advice, but I think he is looking for it as he asks me things like 'is this normal' and I guess is looking for reassurance as to whether their relationship just how long term relationships are.

I'm in an LTR myself but we still do date nights and spend time together and enjoy each others company. His thing is more that they've nothing in common and all she does is take the piss out of him or just spend time in a different room.

I don't think it's normal.. but I think he's letting fear/anxiety hold him back from either splitting or having an honest conversation with her about what's missing.

He's telling you these things in hopes you'll feel sorry enough to give him a pity shag.

Tell him to get a therapist and marriage counseling.

You're not his free unpaid therapist.

I don't think he is. We don't have any flirtation between us. I've known him for ages and he's a good friend, and we are part of a larger group of friends.

He's never once asked things like am I attractive or spoken about anything inappropriate. I'm not sure why every response has to assume there is a sleazy undertone. But he has asked my views on things and been honest/venting.

I'm not planning to get into his pants and neither is he. I just like to help my friends - and I guess I'm wondering if he will be as financially screwed as he seems to think if they split, considering they aren't married.

Consider the source. You’re hearing one version of events. His partner may view things very differently.

Be careful his partner doesn't find out you are talking. She may accuse you of having an EA with him. Apart from that all you can do is listen and hopefully it may work out for him in time.

I don't really know his partner. But I'm certainly not having any 'secret chats' with him or harbouring any feelings. I just like the guy and he sounds so stuck like he has no way out. I'd hate to feel that way and not have any support.

I've asked if he has spoken to his friends and he says they don't really talk about that kind of thing, and he doesn't want to upset his family with it as they've all got their own problems. So when he tells me things it's like he doesn't have anyone else.

I don't know what to advise him but I thought if he wasn't married he would at least not get financially screwed over should he decide to split. If he wants to stay then yeah he needs to either stop moping about it or speak to her and resolve the issues. I just know from personal experience that men bottle up their mental health which can have tragic consequences and would hate for him to head down that path just because he didn't have someone to talk to/confide in.

Have you told your partner about your friend's situation?

How cone before I even opened this I knew what the scenario would be. Some guy making put that his partner is controlling so he can get attention/sex from you.

Don't buy into that 'poor me' bs. He is a grown man is slagging off his wife to another woman. Who does that? A knobhead thats who.

It's not your job to comfort a man baby who stats in a 'supposedly' shit relationship and talks trash about his partner to others.

Stay well clear of those op. Its a common script of bs designed to reel you in and fool you.
Pity his poor partner. Not him.

You’ve had some good advice on this thread.

He has two choices. He needs to talk with his girlfriend or talk with a counsellor / have joint relationship counselling.

If he is depressed then advise him to speak with his GP. Depression will naturally lead to him having a negative view of his life and his relationship. If he gets treatment for that then there’s every chance things will feel brighter for him.

Only he can address how he feels about his life. Don’t get pulled in. As a previous poster said, his girlfriend may have a very different interpretation of things. I’d be wary.

OP, I am curious about why you seem to be doing more emotional work for this man than he is doing for himself? It this dynamic reflects the dynamic in his marriage then it is no wonder his marriage is not in a good state.

It might be helpful to know that some men perceive they are being controlled by their wives when that is not necessarily the case, it is rather they don't perceive the power that they do have. It might be the case that she is controlling, but it might not be the case. You would need to learn more about power dynamics and speak to his wife to have more of an idea about what was actually going on. Below is the link to the research on this particular issue. Also, some men who have deeply sexist behaviours and attitudes in their marriages will come across as being very anti-sexist when they interact with others; you cannot know how someone treats their spouse based on how they treat other people in their lives.

www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/11/sexist-men-relationship

How can you help? By sucking his dick I imagine 🙄

I don't think this is the best place for advice on this particular question.

But the truth is that there's not much you can do to help him or much advice to offer. He's just going to have to work on his self-esteem and figure things out for himself over time I guess.

It’s the script. There’s one they use on their wives/partners and one they use on the other woman/a woman they want to be the other woman.

She doesn’t understand him
controlling
no sex
seperste rooms
more like brother and sister
staying for the kids
shes suicidal
he’s too nice to leave her
he has no one to talk to
you’re the only one who understands

Go on any dating website and message the married men in there to hear the same stuff from 20+ men at once.

I think when they take the girls off for the period talk at school the boys get the scripts because every other woman, woman being lined up to be the other woman or cheated on woman has been told all the same things.

He wants to fuck you. 100%
Honestly, dont get involved.
Men do this so much its a cliché. They find a younger woman to be their relationship therapist. None of his other friends will listen to his whining.
If he put as much effort into communicating with his wife as he does with younger female colleagues it would be a good start. Hes being incredibly disrespectful to the woman who had his children and keeps the place running while he cries about his own choices he made.

The grass is greener where you water it.

I'm trying to be objective here. Not everything has sexual undertone. In fact, he was honest that he has got close to another woman in the past and doesn't want to repeat that mistake because of the hurt it caused. So I don't think this is all a plot to get me into bed.. and I am not in the slightest bit interested.

They don't sleep in separate bedrooms and he doesn't say things like she is crazy. He has said he doesn't want to hurt her but they're just not compatible and don't get along. I assume he has some kind of communication block with her or doesn't feel comfortable raising the problems.

I said to him maybe they need to do some kind of trial separation but he says it's like financial suicide and he's so unhappy he has all these dark thoughts. This hasn't come from nowhere as we have known each other for years before he opened up about this - and there hasn't ever been any flirtation. I'm happy in my own relationship and certainly don't want to get involved in any of this, but I do still want to look out for him as a friend as he sounds mentally very vulnerable.

I think if this was a woman speaking to me the view wouldn't be that they're a sleaze - I just want to impartially help him, ie. How likely is he to be financially screwed if they split? Or is it common to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of kids and finances?

Like I've said, my relationship isn't miserable, I have no kids and our finances are split 50/50 unlike his situation.

Not everything has sexual undertone

An incomprehensible statement on MN, where absolutely every interaction between men and women revolves around sex.

But you are a bit overly invested. The advice you want to give him is the obvious, sound stuff. But I'm sure we've all had friends (both sexes) who constantly complain about their love lives and relationships. In my experience you can give the best and most thoroughly researched advice in the world but what happens is either that they do fuck all about it and remain in stasis, or they make the same mistakes over and over again, year after year.

Ultimately you can't help him, he has to help himself. His relationship sounds dead in the water and the idea of that being the rest of his life should be motivation enough to end it, regardless of the financial hit (which he is capable of researching himself). But I would bet that he trudges on miserably for years yet.

You need to be aware you are hearing only one side of the story. That’s fine, but it does not put you in any position to offer marriage guidance counselling type advice.

suggest he does that- goes to someone impartial that can hear both sides, see the bigger picture and work with them on how to go forwards- either inside a marriage or to split up.

sure, listen to him , but stay right out of offering advice on his relationship yourself. Be completely non committal. If you offer advice based on a one sided view, you may be responsible for a bunch of unexpected and devastating consequences.

And. Very little in anyones relationship is normal . It’s 2 unique people crating a unique relationship. It’s down to how he feels - not how it compares to others.

I would give him advice. And my advice would be to talk to his partner.

You say he says she's controlling. What does this look like? Because if it is genuinely controlling, then absolutely, he should leave. But in the first instance, he should talk to her.

Eg, is she "controlling" because he's been untrustworthy in the past and she's not over that and they need to work through this as a couple?

Or perhaps she's "controlling" because she spends her time doing all the house and childcare stuff, all the thinking and planning, and carrying the mental load and then yes, gets annoyed when he swans in and wants to upset all this.

Women absolutely CAN be controlling. But in most of the cases I've seen, that "control" is actually just a woman trying to keep 1000 plates spinning while her partner wanders around completely oblivious. So he thinks she's "controlling" because she wants him home by 7:00 so the kids are in bed by 7:30... but he's not the one who has to spend an hour settling them if they get overtired or wake up 3 times a night due to over tiredness. And he's not the one who has been wrangling children all day and is exhausted and wants a break. For example.

Of course not every interaction between men and women has a sexual undertone. Ive got male friends, but if any of them started to try and use me to moan about their partner I would back off so fast because its such a fucking cliché, and i am not coming between a man and his wife for anyone. He needs to talk to his wife, not you.
Its not financial suicide to split up. He would have to pay maintenance for the children he created of course and there would be fair division of assets. Marriage is a legal contract. This is normal. His issues with his wife he could work on, but instead he has a history of trying to get close to other women instead of taking care of the one he chose to marry.
Honestly OP. Wise up. Men like this are ten a penny. Hes not your friend as much as you think he is.

Thank you for this. Yeah I obviously don't want to get too involved but equally I feel worried he has nobody else to open up to and due to previous experiences in my own life would hate for him to do something stupid because he felt he had no way out.

I have said similar to him - is he happy to spend the rest of his life like this - but you're right I can't really do any more than that. He seems to be putting the children's happiness before his, I'm not a parent so I can understand that's probably common and that's where I'm really not qualified to chip in. I just don't understand why you'd commit yourself to a lifetime of misery for it. But equally I can't begin to relate to the thought of him going from a full time dad to a part time one and I think that's what his biggest issue is.

I also can't talk to her to get the other side of the story as a) I don't know her and b) based on a lot of the comments here I know the kind of view she would likely have of me, a female, listening to his problems and trying to help...

Don't buy into that 'poor me' bs. He is a grown man is slagging off his wife to another woman. Who does that? A knobhead thats who.

This. Also, sorry but I can't believe you suggested he break up with her based on his one-sided account? But flippant given that they have children together, imagine it was you?

In my mind, he's not a great guy if he's whining about his wife and no sex and how controlling she 'at or not be, to another woman behind her back. But that's just me.

He's not married. So financially I don't know what it means.

They need couples counselling and maybe individual too. Not a female friend giving her two cents which is probably goi to feel like a huge betrayal given he's basically had an emotional affair before.