How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

And I now have lost all sympathy for you.

You are knowingly allowing this man to use you to deceive his wife.

PS if it was truly controlling, I promise you, he wouldn't be doing this secretly behind her back. It's simply not possible. You don't understand that because you don't actually know anyone who is in a truly controlling relationship, but I do. For example, BIL would have figured it out because of one or more of the following:

• he'd be tracking SIL so would see that she had gone off the main route to work
• He would be checking in on what time she got to/from work and would notice that it was taking longer than it should
• He might even be checking her milage
• He would regularly call her while she was in the car to check where she was/talk to her etc.

I've thought about this. He says she has said she doesn't trust him and doesn't want him touching her or anything like that.

I assume she also has anxious/self esteem issues or is worried about money because she earns significantly less and they aren't married - or she also doesn't want to be a solo/part time parent.

I know I'm only getting his side here - but it seems he is the bank account and home help with her rather than them being a couple if that makes sense.

She does work just very reduced hours.

Sorry to derail but this level of cleaning regularly is excessive and if my partner expected me to do it I’d think they were very controlling.

I just remembered a woman I knew years ago. She had worked with this guy for years and years and they'd been "friends". Over time, she heard about his terrible relationship, he was just staying for the kids, he couldn't afford to leave etc. She then broke up with her boyfriend and what do you know, 6 weeks later he had left his wife and they were living together because he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on the home his wife and children lived in AND rent.

needless to say, it didn't end well for her.

Don't be my friend.

@Thereisnolight hahaha, don't worry, it doesn't get done all the time. That's why I said "coma for 6 months" and not 3 weeks!

My point being that DH only does the basic stuff and never any of the bigger/more erratic stuff. But he genuinely thinks that if he does half the bathroom/bedding/vacuuming he is doing HALF of all cleaning.

So we used to get a train, and a park & ride, so haven't always car shared for 7 years. I didn't know she didn't know until recently. I've asked why he doesn't just tell her and he said she will just kick off.

Oh right😄 - I’ll admit I was on the defence there - my house definitely would not pass muster.

I'm not sure how many times I can say I have no romantic interest towards this man. I am 32 and he is 47 years old.

I've told him it's not right to hide the car share because it implies doing something wrong. I only found out when I've offered to take him on occasional days and started to put it together.

Yes we do message about car shares etc. He has me saved as a man!! So I assume has told her he car shares with a man. We don't text other than about logistics though. She goes through his phone like I said so even if he wanted to he wouldn't so I don't have to worry about that.

My partner knows we car share, he knows that we talk but I've not told him all of the details of someone's personal problems as I don't think that part is fair. A few people at work have commented about the car sharing but again - I've got nothing to hide here and I know we have nothing inappropriate between us - lots of people know we are being friends and most people have said people are just trying to start gossip.

I am starting to wonder if I back away from the car share. I do like him and we get along well but I certainly don't want to be pulled into anything that is based on lies.

She doesn't know who he car shares with. He always drives and drops me off first. He has said she wouldn't allow it.

hmmm...

know I'm only getting his side here - but it seems he is the bank account and home help with her rather than them being a couple if that makes se

Yes, poor guy - having to y'know contribute to pay for his kids whilst his wife stays home and does the all the main childcare/wife work and also fits in working part time. What makes you think he is the "home help" - isn't he just being a father? I wonder how much he actually does at home? I would guess much less than his dp.

You're being very gullible OP!

I'm sure she does more of the housework - I think that's the same in every couple, it certainly is in my relationship!

But what I mean is he does equal parenting for sure. I've got no idea what chores he does or doesn't do but he is very much the gentleman type at work for example always opens doors and carries things for people. I can't imagine him not doing all that stuff at home. Plus I know they had a large extension done and he paid for it all and did some of the smaller jobs.

I don't know beyond that but I don't think he is a bastard type. My dad was one of those and I think I would recognise it in him.

I will make it very clear that I'm not interested in any kind of dalliance though just to be sure that's not what he's doing but I'm not stupid - I know when someone is flirting with me, and men aren't subtle.

Op you sound lovely and kind but very naive. I 100% believe you don’t fancy him or want an affair, that’s not what people are saying.

Men who are abusive, lazy, cheats etc are lovely at work. How many women are killed by their husbands every week, abused financially, verbally or physically or just in bad relationships - the man’s friends, family and colleagues can’t ‘tell’ though and if they ever find out they say stuff like ‘well I never would’ve thought that of David’.

He’s admitted nearly cheating and he lies to her daily of course she’s bloody paranoid and checking his devices - she KNOWS he’s lying she just doesn’t know what about and she’s trying to find out!

Nearly everything he’s said is absolute bullshit and contradicts itself.

I’m a year younger than you and childfree and I get male colleagues trying to pull this all the time, I can see it a mile off and don’t entertain it. I send them off to a man in their situation to discuss it as ‘Gary will be much more help he has three kids and he’s been married 20 years, he’ll be best placed to advise you on your wife and child problems’.

Is he being supportive to you in any way or form? Like helping you at work, being a positive force in your life, fixing your car tyre etc…? Otherwise sounds like you’ve adopted this man-puppy for free and are getting a little bit too involved in his personal problems. As women we are pretty wired for that and men love to take advantage of our nurturing nature. I would back out a tad from this one.you don’t want to get too involved in this guys personal problems. Sounds like you want to solve them. You can’t.

I used to have a friend like that, and there was nothing anyone could do or say to make him happy, he was married but 'in love' with someone else.
Leave him to it.
If he won't leave, he should try accepting his lot and work with his partner to repair the relationship instead of moaning to someone else.

If you're so impartial, why are you not taking on board other posters observations? You bend over backwards to tell us she's abusive even though people have picked holes in his story about the alleged control.

I’m a year younger than you and childfree and I get male colleagues trying to pull this all the time, I can see it a mile off and don’t entertain it. I send them off to a man in their situation to discuss it as ‘Gary will be much more help he has three kids and he’s been married 20 years, he’ll be best placed to advise you on your wife and child problems’.

I get it too. But in my case it's because I'm the main breadwinner by a country mile. I think a lot of men therefore think I'll be sympathetic to them. hahahahaha.

Plus I know they had a large extension done and he paid for it all and did some of the smaller jobs.

Surely it's "their" money though, not his - if it's an equal relationship? He is the higher earner - she works pt and looks after the kids. She is more than doing her bit? And "he did some of the smaller jobs" - so fucking what! Presumably she was looking after the kids and doing all the housework/cooking whilst he wielded a screwdriver? But he deserves a pat on the back does he?

Hes spinning you a proper "poor me" yarn isn't he? And you're falling for it!

Another vote for you being naive.

Ah OP. You really are not listening or understanding. I believe 100% you aren't interested in him but you have yet to learn the subtle deviances of some men once reality bites years down the line with kids, money, and so on. Firstly hes lying about carpooling with you. Then he has you in his phone as male. And you're sympathising with this bevause his partner is 'so controlling'. And yet as others have pointed out, people in controlling relationships really do not get away with this....youre just going to have to trust people on this.

His version of 'controlling' may very well be 'i f*cked about before and now im having to be accountable because my word means nothing'.

Aside from everything else. If his partner works out that he's lying about the carpool, and that this man in his phone is a woman, you'll likely be the first person she calls. And she'd have every reason to think something very suspicious was going on. And you're implicit in the deception. Stop carpooling. Do not participate in this drama.

Yeah he does help me out too. He took me to collect my car when it was in the garage, was there for me when I had family in hospital etc.. but nothing beyond a friendship and nothing that's kept a secret from my partner. Can't say the same for his as clearly he hides things.

He has been a good friend and I guess that's why I also want to help him. He says men don't talk about their personal problems with each other and they just suck it up.

I have done. I've said several times I will take advice on board. Also I've never called her abusive. I don't know her. He says she's controlling and I know she monitors his activity - but I've got no business making comments on what she is or isn't. I'm not going to pull apart another woman that I don't know. All I know is he's been a genuine friend to me and I like to think he isn't some sleaze trying to get me into bed. If he is he would have better luck with other girls at work who have previous for that type of thing.

So on top of lying to his wife about his previous almost cheating and daily lying about his carpool, phone contacts and who he’s in contact with, he’s lied about all this and you think she’s unreasonable for being paranoid and sometimes checking his devices?

Sorry, I don’t particularly agree with checking devices and I never do it with my husbands phone but I can understand why a woman who has been cheated on/almost cheating on, is being lied to daily and knows she is but doesn’t know what about and is living on her nerves and paranoia would do it.

Imagine knowing, absolutely knowing your husband is lying to you, day in day out for years but he calls you mad, says he isn’t lying while looking you in the eye he promises he isn’t lying. Can’t you understand why that woman might be a bit paranoid and if the opportunity presented itself ‘snoop’.

I feel so sorry for her, she should leave him but that’s obviously easier said than done for many reasons. Hopefully she finds her way because the way she’s living is heartbreaking and soul destroying.

OP as you can see from replies above, you're not going to get any advice on here. Remember on mumsnet it's impossible for a woman to ever be an arsehole 🙄 obviously he just wants to shag you like all men always do.....

You're describing my now ex-husband to a T. She fell for it hook line and sinker too. 2 kids and a lot of damage to our kids later and they aren't together. You're being played like a fiddle and everyone here can see it.

Yes i can see that. He isn't married yet continually everything is about his wife/marriage.

I do agree he shouldn't lie to her. I've told
Him that. That implies there is something to hide when there very much isn't. I don't mean to be rude but if I was going to have a tryst with someone I work with a 47 year old man wouldn't be it.

We care share as we both live in the same town and have a 1hr commute and it just makes sense to.

I don't know what to believe now. He honestly isn't sleazy towards me.