How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

He's having an emotional affair with you.

OP can’t possibly be that naive.
Methinks that even though she mightn’t want to take things any further she’s very much enjoying the attention.

I've no idea about finances which is why I have asked. He seems to think he would need to pay the mortgage and fully support them, while paying for his own place. He said he would want 50/50 but wasn't sure he would get it because kids always stay with their mum.

I'm not invested emotionally here but I am worried about his wellbeing. He seems unable to approach her and be honest about how he's feeling - I think that is the source of his problems because he's burying his head in the sand.

She has weekends free because he does day long activities with the kids on Saturday and Sunday. I never said this was because she was lazy/selfish or whatever, I'm sure she's a great parent, I just meant that in response to posts saying he probably does nothing.

I'm not invested but I do value his friendship, he has always been there for me and often helps me out at work. He has a good sense of humour and makes silly jokes but it's never sexual towards me, this is group conversation with all of our colleagues at our desks.

I don't think I should have to say 'fuck off we can't be friends anymore' just because he has problems at home. But I do think he needs to stop lying/hiding about the car share or the fact we hang out etc. I will tell him that much because I don't want to look like I'm a dirty little secret!

What attention? This isn't about me. He's closer in age to my mother than he is to me! I don't have those kind of daddy issues. I can like someone without wanting them to shower me in attention or flirt with me.

That is all you are to him, a potential fuck. And one that he's put an awful lot of effort into so far. It doesn't matter if you're not into him. He's tricked you into having secrets with him already. He's already in an emotional affair with you, even if you're too naïve to realise.

Yes, this. @fdgdfgdfgdfg has it completely right. An emotional affair can be one way. You are not having an emotional affair, but he is. You ARE however, facilitating and colluding in this affair by allowing him to treat you as a secret to his partner.

Getting worked up because so many posters are referring to his wife is interesting too - the reality is that they live together, and have 2 children. The legal ramifications may be different (and probably why she hasn't left him) but in all other ways, they may as well be married. She certainly has the right to expect the same level of commitment and honesty as if she was his actual wife.

I'm not saying she doesn't deserve the same as she isn't his wife. Of course she does. I'm not married either but wouldn't expect to be treated differently because I'm not.

The reason I mentioned it a few times is regarding comments about money and him feeling financially screwed. I'm sure it's very different rules for cohabiting partners than it is married ones. And he seems to think he will just bankrupt himself by paying for everything and I don't think that's the case. Unless he wanted to which was his prerogative.

Anyway, they probably won't even split, I just wanted to know how that worked so I could reassure him. I'm not pushing for them to split, I don't have a vested interest in them splitting, I'm not lining myself up as stepmother... I just want to help. But seems like whenever you want to help someone you're lapping up the attention and happily there for an emotional affair. Not everyone has such low morals.

The advice he is giving you though about mortgages etc is non-emotional territory and doesn’t damage your relationship with your partner. He is seeking emotional support from you and disguising your phone number under a man’s name. That is potentially damaging to his relationship.

I wonder if you simply signpost him to other services…GP, counselling, employee support, Relate…would that meet his needs or would he keep wanting to draw you in? It sounds as though you have talked with him at length about his relationship issues but there’s no change. If I were you I’d change the subject every time he starts to talk negatively about his relationship. Don’t indulge him any more.

You clearly feel uncomfortable about the situation because you have sought advice on here. Trust your gut OP.

If he is giving you advice about mortgages and in a responsible job then he is well able to work out his future finances. He isn’t financially screwed at all. He just wants people (younger women) to feel sorry for him. If he’s that worried, Citizen’s Advice can help!

Thank you. Yes I guess I do feel a bit uncomfortable and even more so now after reading some of these responses. I guess he should know the basics ie. Counselling and the like. I'm not sure if he wanted an opinion from someone who was in a very different situation.

I'm not going to entertain anymore conversation about it and I will think of a way to make it clear I'm not interested in any potential affair, just to squash it in case - but I won't accuse him as I don't think that's his intention.

I can't just end the car share - with the cost of petrol and everything going up it will make a big financial impact. Maybe I'll find another car share in time but I will try to back away a bit and stick to more generic conversation.

I've not been cheated on myself (that I know of) so I appreciate those who have will probably think the worst straight away. I guess I've always had the view of take someone at face value until they give reason not to. And he hasn't made any moves or so much as put a hand on my shoulder.

Thank you everyone.

Re him being financially screwed or having to pay the entire mortgage etc, or agonising that 'the courts always choose the mother ' (bollocks they do) a simple call to a solicitor for advice will tell him everything he needs to know. Agonising about this to a co worker without kids is utterly futile. Its just inventing problems in his own head. Ask yourself why he's doing this instead of seeking sound legal advice and changing his situation. Why are you here asking about this and not him just getting straight answers on what he is and isn't bound by.

I asked so I could actually give some advice that would help. This website is mumsnet therefore a majority are parents. I assume he probably isn't googling into this himself because she monitors his internet activity and he doesn't want the shit to hit the fan.

I assume he thinks common law marriage exists (we aren't in Scotland) and I don't think it does.

It doesn’t. If the house is in his name he can kick her out, have 50/50 custody and pay her nothing. She is the one who is screwed not him. She could be homeless with her kids tonight if he chose to do so.

So Mumsnet doesn't give men a fair trial and stereotype them... But the op is the one crowdsourcing information for some random ride share because he can't do it himself and because he can't ask his male friends because "men don't do that sort of thing".

He's a grown up op. Of he's so fucking helpful at home he could probably look into his options without expecting you to do the work for him.

I assume he probably isn't googling into this himself because she monitors his internet activity and he doesn't want the shit to hit the fan.

He asked you because he wanted to ask you. He can use private browsing or another device if she's monitoring him. Also not surprised shit would be hitting the fan if he's researching how to leave her and keep his assets after speaking to a female friend and not trying to talk to her or fix their issues... and he acted weird as if he's having an EA or trying to...

And you thought mothers, many of whom have been in similarly vulnerable situations to this guy's wife might have great advice for how to not give her as much money?

Why should he get 50/50 care if he doesn't do 50/50 now? How is that good for his kids? He's been happy for her to ruin her job prospects through years of part time..

Oh, OP, I want to save this thread for you to read in 10 years time. You will look back and be mortified - particularly if you have a husband and kids of your own by that point. You're very naive, and he's depending on that. You should drop out of that car share as fast as you can - and if you don't want to, ask yourself why not, and if it's because it's a bit more than a car share to you.

I never said he had expected me to. Also he's not a random, I've been close friends with the guy for 7 years.

The reason he isn't looking into it is because she monitors everything he does online. I just said that. I'm not saying it's my job, but it didn't think posting and asking for advice about it was so terrible either!

I pretty much would bet my life this guy has used private browsing before🤔

At the very least for the porn he watches.

Close friend or ride share that his wife has never heard of?

I'm also not looking for tips on how he can screw his partner and kids over. I'm looking to understand how it would work if they split so that nobody was screwed over.

I'm not sure why some posters think I'm against the girlfriend here.. I've never said that. I don't know her but that doesn't mean I would support her getting screwed over. He wouldn't either as he's said he would pay her mortgage whether he should do it or not.

I was only trying to understand what the law says and what he would be expected to do. Of course I don't support her having nothing, what do people take me for? I'm not some woman and child hating bitch just because I don't have children of my own right now.

Op. He has his own phone. Private browsing. Phoning a solicitor from a work phone. Buying a burner phone.

Also....What exactly will she do if she finds out hes been browsing divorce legals? Kick him out? Nope. He owns the house. Remove his access to finances? Nope, he's the earner. Beat him? Doesn't sound like there are physical threats happening. Be annoyed he's gone behind her back without discussion? Probably.

Think it through. He has all the power he needs to walk tf away and he isn't.

If she monitors his phone how did he manage to have an almost affair?

I don't know. I don't know everything about him. It was someone I vaguely knew who used to work here. That's all I know.

Honestly you need to keep your nose out of it. He should be speaking to the mother of his children about his feelings/issues or they should be seaking counseling together.

There shouldn't be any input from you suggesting that he should split from her, given that you don't actually know what is going on other than the (more than likely) fabrication he's told you....although maybe if he does do this he will actually be doing her a favour. Someone who gets close to other women rather than works on their relationship and who badmouths his partner behind her back is not a good person. I don't care what sob story they are spinning.

And clearly he hasn't actually learned a lesson about getting close to other women and the hurt it caused. If he had, he'd be trying to work on his relationship (or doing whatever he needed to do to end it if it was that bad) instead of sharing everything with you as this would still hurt his partner (even if neither of you are interested in each other in that way). He's done it before so she'd be right to be wary of him giving personal details of their relationship to you.

He's an idiot.