How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

Burner phone? Really! After all the comments on here and that's suggested as advice?

If he's not lining you up for a shag, he's lining you up as a babysitter

I'm not sure why I'm getting so much aggression here. I've just come here for a bit of advice, a few people have said some helpful things which I'm grateful for. I'm going to request that he doesn't lie about me anymore. So that's that.

I'm not sure where all this drama has now come from that I'm having an affair with him, loving the attention, trying to screw the wife and children over, overly invested etc etc. I don't know his reasons for not doing things, I simply asked a question on here for advice. Lots of people post dumb questions on here that could be answered by a Google search but generally it's because you want people's opinions and advice on the matter.

OMG. Really, this is just getting stupid now.

Im not advising it 😂 im saying, he has money, he's out of the house working, if the relationship is truly controlling and he truly wants out and he truly wants to know what his options are he has every ability to do it. But he isn't is he? He's carpooling with you, lying about it, and going on about how he literally can't solve the problem. Liaten, if he can hide this carpool, he can certainly phone a solicitor and talk about his rights.

Whats happened is. 90% of the posters saw straight through this bloke. Straight. Through. And you dont like what they saw so youre getting defensive about it

Also, if he wants to know what his legal rights are (and hers) to end the relationship, he can call a lawyer. He's not an infant. Stop feeding this situation.

I'm not saying he can't do this stuff. I'm sure he can do whatever he wants to do.

He hasn't said he wants to leave because he is more worried about being a part time parent, and also the finance implications. Whether that's wrong or right or moral or immoral is not really for me to say.

I'm not saying he's a poor tortured soul who is doing everything right here - clearly he has fucked up by getting close to someone before, and I don't agree with the lying and wouldn't be happy if my partner did what he is doing. Equally I'm not sure I'd like him asking a younger woman for advice and not talking to me about it either.

So I'm not saying he's perfect - I'm just being fair that I don't think he is one of these wanker partners/parents and the situation probably isn't black and white. But I do agree that there isn't a lot I can do. I will say some of the things people have advised me on here and then request that we don't really talk on it any further.

Well, he’s already deceiving his partner about lift-sharing with you (and has you listed under a male name in his phone), so he’s perfectly capable of hiding things from his partner.

And to be blunt, if your colleagues have got to the point of mentioning your friendship with him and how it looks, there’s probably been a lot of talk and speculation about it in the office beforehand.

I'm not getting defensive about what people see, I'm not claiming to be 100% right. I am going to get a bit defensive if people say things like he's hoping I'll give him a blow job in the back of the car, because that's disgusting and I would never do that. Just because I'm younger and listening to him doesn't mean Ive got no morals and would drop my pants for
Him.

I do accept that he's been an idiot in a few ways, im just saying I also don't think he's a total wanker and probably falls somewhere in the middle.

I've no idea about finances which is why I have asked. He seems to think he would need to pay the mortgage and fully support them, while paying for his own place. He said he would want 50/50 but wasn't sure he would get it because kids always stay with their mum

This is such bullshit and where your naivety really shines through. He didn’t get married but had children with this woman, don’t think for a second he’s not aware of the financial implications of that. Of course he wouldn’t have to keep supporting her, even if he was married he’d be unlikely to have to do that. They can sell the house and go their own ways - for someone so unhappy you’d have thought he’d have done a little research on this topic, wouldn’t you? Such a little victim…
As for kids always stay with their mum, more bullshit. If he goes for 50/50, he’s likely to get it.

Lols. So we have a middle aged man with two kids and a controlling partner who has lied about a carshare with a younger female colleague for the last 7 years and saves said colleague in his phone under a man’s name? I bet you anything “she doesn’t understand him”!!!

@notaverygoodagonyaunt The vast majority of posters have given you a consistent response yet you keep pushing back. You have even had a man’s perspective. Ask yourself, are we really all hateful wives who think the worst and can’t abide our men spending time with a younger woman? My guess is that you haven’t just landed here from a google search and the fact that you posted suggests that you thought we might have some helpful insight- yet you have refused to take on board any of it.

Is he having an emotional affair with you and ever hopeful for a fuck at some point? Do you really like the position you are in? If it looks like a duck, quacks like duck, it is a duck.

No ones trying to be aggressive towards you here. We're trying to help you.

If you'd posted with the exact same issue but it was your brother, or son, or male best friend that you've known since school that was stuck in a controlling relationship, then we'd be offering advice on that.

But its not, its a man 14 years older than you who's spinning every tired stereotype he can possibly think of to manipulate you.

We'd like to help solve the original problem, but there's too many red flags in the way, and even they're being obscured by a honking great sign saying "THIS MAN IS A WRONG 'UN"

Whether or not you have colluded or condoned it, this person has created secrets about you with his wife: concealed your name as a phone contact, etc. Bit of a triangulation. Actions can speak louder than words.
He also seems most persuaded, not about happiness or a good relationship, which has been your focus, but by the potential effect on his financial status. As long as that wins out - and it's fair enough if it does - it looks as if he won't make a major relationship change, but could entertain the tangent of a bit of (undemanding, inexpensive) amusement on the side.

I don't claim not to be naive about parenting. I haven't a clue how the process works. All I know is my dad screwed over my mum and never paid a penny despite being married. So I assumed he wouldn't be financially screwed over by leaving her.

I don't think I'm naive in general though. Like previous posters have said, there are often sleazy men in the workplace or not sleazy but it's obvious what they're after. I haven't got this vibe from him - I'm not totally unaware that this stuff happens and deluded, I just don't get that from him. That's not to say if I were to initiate something I'm 100% he would say no, but I don't plan to so don't need to worry. And if he tried anything with me I would absolutely shut it down and not be getting into a car with him again. But at the moment, I feel safe in his presence and not like he's going to put the moves on me.

How am I pushing back? I've agreed with a lot of what has been said! Bar the stuff making out I'm up for a shag in the back of his car!

This.

How on earth does she monitor EVERYTHING he does? Does his work computer not have google?

Also note you have now moved on to being "very close friends" for 7 years...You are far too invested in this man's life OP - back away. He already has you very much emotionally embroiled in his life - you have been on here for hours now defending him and trying to work out his problems. Are you sure he's just a "very good" friend?

Most of the posters haven't suggested you wanted anything romantic to do with him, I think a couple might have? But most, no. Most of us just see what his ego trip is about. Youre defending him bevause he's your pal, but your pal isn't all he's cracked up to be.

Men that betray their partners dont typically just go round openly asking for blowjobs in the back of the car. Its all plausible deniability until it happens. What they do do, is tap at the door and see what happens.

Well he isn't going to get it from me. And I will make that clear. I just need to find the right way to do it because I'm not fully convinced that's what it is. That's not to say I might not be wrong.. but I can't go all guns blazing "back off you creep I don't want an emotional affair with you" when it could very likely not be that. That's all I'm saying. I'm not making excuses for him.

If he wants a pity fuck, there are women at our work who probably would make that happen for him. I'm not one of them. Maybe seeing the good in people could be seen as naive, but it doesn't mean I don't have morals and would cheat on my own partner and also be a homewrecker. His girlfriend has absolutely nothing to worry about where I'm concerned. Wider than that, who knows.

OP so your only takeaway from the circa 100 words in @supercali77 comment was “burner phone”? Yes, I would say that you are “pushing back”.

Yes he's a good friend. Ive said that since the beginning. I've got a quiet day today and not much else going on - don't think that means I want to fuck his brains out.

OP, I'm the one who mentioned the shag in the backseat.

I'm sorry, you didn't seem to be paying attention to what other posters were trying to tell you so I upped the ante in order to try and shock you a bit.

It didn't work and instead I've made you even more defensive than you were before, so I apologise for that.

My post was trying to make clear what this man was after. I wasn't trying to insinuate that you'd be interested, or that your morals were in any way suspect, this was purely a reflection on the bloke.

Noone here is trying to have a go at you, or to blame you for this situation. They're trying to help you.

I'm going to bow out now as I've obviously not helped, but I hope you manage to resolve the situation going forward.

Of course, I know that. I'm not silly. But he won't be getting anywhere with me. We are friends who share a ride and that's all we ever will be.

I've said I'm going to pass on my two cents and ask that we don't talk about it anymore. I've also said I will tell him to stop lying about me. There's nothing more I can do.

Thank you to those of you who have given me advice without implying I'm a bit of a whore.

The thing is women that are in controlling relationships are encouraged to keep a "burner" phone. Or register their number with the police etc.

So if he was in such a relationship it would actually be a very good idea. But there's a reason you find it ridiculous

I'm going to ask for the thread to be shut down now. I think I've got some good advice in here amongst everything which I do appreciate.

Apologies if I have seemed defensive but I wouldn't ever cheat on anyone and have seen the damage it can do.

Re. The burner phone - in my view that's what assholes keep to cheat on their partners with. I'd never think that was a good idea but each to their own