How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

I completely see why you don't think this is him trying to start another emotional or even physical affair. BUT... I do think it's interesting that he's chosen to talk to a woman who has no children and, by her own admission, thinks she might therefore not fully understand.

Because I bet you what you like that he thinks she's controlling because she expects him to actually do some parenting and step up rather than thinking because he earns the money he doesn't have to do much else.

Just to clarify I've not once said he should leave. I've said he needs to weigh up the options - it's certainly not for me to tell him to leave someone. I think he should work on fixing the family if he can, but he's the one who's saying it's too far gone.

Again I've only got one account to go on here but he does tons in terms of parenting and housework. She has days off and most of the weekend free and he does all the kids activities.

He never takes time off for himself and she often goes for weekends away example. Maybe there's resentment there.. but again I have no clue

I don't know many women in controlling relationships that considered an affair, because they couldn't have. That's the point of a controlling relationship. They definitely don't have male friends they can complain about their relationships to (especially their sex lives)

I think it's weird that he asked you if his relationship was normal when you don't have children, and certainly not one with special needs. You don't know what normal should look like in his situation.

For many men, "controlling" means being expected to not act single and be a father and husband.

There are many studies that show that men over estimate their household contribution. The vast majority of men do significantly less than their partners in the house. That's even including stay at home father's. 😵‍💫

I think you're being painfully naïve here. He is buttering you up for an affair.

You said up thread 'I just want to impartially help him, ie. How likely is he to be financially screwed if they split?'
Tell him to ask a lawyer or Citizens Advice or something. Why is it your responsibility to advise an older work colleague about his finances? Where are your boundaries? This is so unprofessional and inappropriate of both of you.

'Or is it common to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of kids and finances?'
Well, then tell him like you've told us:I don't know I'm not a parent, I'm also a fair bit younger than you so I don't know. You are the parent who presumably know other parent couples and you are older than me so you would know better than I could. If you don't ask other parent couples your own age. You could even ask him to ask on Mumsnet. But he knows all this, he is presenting himself as this tormented good father so you feel sorry for him and give him a feel-better-fuck or so that he can jump ship holding the hands of another woman. Many men are like this (and some women) where they want an exit affair. Too cowardly to end it without a woman waiting in the background. You're probably flattered by the bond, I can believe that you might not have romantic feelings for him but I'm willing to bet a £1000 that he has romantic and sexual intentions and is grooming you for an affair.

It's interesting e chose to confide in the younger woman at work. Yes, sure of all his connections that he met through the years, it's you who he confides in. Typical sleaze grooming you for an affair.. the sort of: I'm not a bad guy, my wife doesn't get me. There are guys who flirt by sharing private thoughts. There are guys who don't flirt in sexual ways doesn't mean that's not their intention.

*fathers

Yeah, isn't it odd they confide in the younger woman with no children to ask about the worried if a middle aged dad. 🤔

The advice I'd give a man in his situation is: find ways to improve your existing life.

Don't look to your partner to make you happy.
First focus on finding something to do that gives you pleasure and doesn't add stress (eg not hideously expensive or time consuming hobby, just something that gets him out of the house and brings him joy.)

Next find fun as a family. We have autistic DS but we went out once a week to somewhere we could all enjoy - a steam railway or city farm, a hike up a hill with a picnic or to an interactive museum.

And then try to increase the fun he and his wife have together. It is exhaustingt caring fior an autistic child and they are probably both low in spirits and energy. Just putting some wedges of light into that situation helps massively - putting on music they both loved when they got together as thery prep a meal together. Sitting outside to watch the sun go down and have a chat, watching a good box set and making silly jokes about it together. Small things that improve the texture of daily life.

I'd also look for them to give each other a good half day break each once a week. Four hours each at the weekend to do as they want while the other one has DC. That can help give you back your life and sanity. And maybe as things get smoother, take turns to have a weekend away with friends or doing an activity that brings joy.

I really believe unless someone is abusive that it is worth trying to create happiness where you are rather than go through the hideous stress and financial burden of splitting the family up and running two homes.

What makes you think that if he doesnt talk to you, his younger female colleague, that he might top himself?
If hes giving signs that he is suicidal, then maybe you need to direct him to a proper therapist?
I know theres a lot of focus on mens mental health and suicide in the media, but this does not mean that we are responsible for listening to male colleagues slag off their wives and cry about how boring they find them now they have kids.
Rates of suicide attempts are pretty much equal for men and women. Poor Mental health is sadly common across the board. There is nothing to suggest that this is anything other than him testing the waters with you though. He cheated before so his boundaries are clearly not there, and the fact that you are also in a relationship is hardly a deterrant.

You sound like a nice person. I have been around the block too long to not see blokes like this for what they are though.
The fact he wants to leave but hes worried he would still have to pay for his family, says to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it.

I wish young women would stop falling for this stuff.

@SleepyTimeTea makes a really really good point. A person in a controlling relationship does not have the time and flexibility to do the things your friend is doing/has done.

I'm sorry to be cynical because of course, NAMALT, but I can't help being deeply suspicious of his claims re how much he does and, by extension, how little she does.

eg with a child with significant special needs, does she need that break at the weekend because she's completely wiped out from being on 24/7? And really, when he says he does the kids activities and she has the weekends free, is that really true or is it just his perception because he takes both kids swimming on a Saturday morning.

As for housework, I consider Dh to be very good on housework compared to most of the people we know. But he still thinks "cleaning" means changing bedding, cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming and mopping. Occasionally he'll clean a window. I often joke that if I was in a coma for six months I'd have to spend the first week back home delimescaling and cleaning all my appliances, deep cleaning the bins, cleaning the doors and handles and radiators in every room including the kitchen, dusting, wiping down the cupboards, cleaning inside the fridge, skirting boards, window frame cleaning etc etc etc.

He confides in me because I've known him 7 years and we car share so often sit stuck in traffic together. It's not like we are having secret chats late into the night or secret meetings.

I doubt he is looking for an affair either.. he's already told me she snoops in his phone and iPad, monitors his social media etc. So if he's looking for an affair I can't see him being able to have one!

I'm not naive I just don't have kids so can't relate there. But I don't think I'm being 'unprofessional' or inappropriate to want to advise a friend I've known for 7 years who tells me they feel stuck and unhappy.

I've suggested couples counselling, I've told him to have an open conversation with her etc.. so I have done what some of the more friendly responses have said.

I really don't think he is grooming me!! Not every man is like this. He wouldn't have told me about his past dalliance with someone if he was trying to get in my pants, he has made it clear he doesn't want to hurt anyone and get mixed up in that again. And I certainly don't want to get physical with a man 15 years my senior who I work with.

Oh and when he disingenuously asks you whether all couples with children end up like this what he actually means is:

Are you also bored of your partner?
Would you cheat with me?
What do you say? It's all a bit boring, we deserve a bit of fun on the side.

He is taking your pulse for an affair and you, poor you, are looking so earnestly to advise him on finances and be his therapist. You, the younger woman who has no children or life experience as much as his. Of course it makes sense to consult you lol (!)

This is great advice and I'll suggest this to him. Thanks so much.

SIL was in a controlling relationship. With a man who had a meltdown if he saw a text message pop up on her phone. And who required "proof" if she was late home that it was because the train was delayed.

I can assure you that SIL would never, not in a million years, have considered a carpool arrangement with a man. Because exBIL would have had a constant, never-ending barrage of abuse, accusations and whining about it.

I call bullshit.

This Im afraid! You're being naive OP. The reason he's told you about his previous "dalliance" is to test the water and see how you react - and to let you know he up for "dalliances". I wonder how his partner feels about knowing he shares his car with and basically slags her off to a 15 years younger female colleague (if she evens knows?)

She's checking his iPad because of the past dalliance. She should have dumped him but either stupidly loves him or doesn't want to be left holding the baby.

If he did his "fair share" and would be left financially ruined because she would take all his money and he's a cheater.... What do you think she's getting out of staying with him?

She's staying with him because she doesn't believe he will do his fare share or pay up.

what also jumps out at me is the finances issue. He's worried about being "screwed" on finances. Funny. He has a partner who doesn't work and two children, one with additional needs, and his worry is that he will be "Screwed"?

And again, he's asking the young woman without children because I can assure you, if he spoke to a woman with children, she'd be far less likely to have any concerns whatsoever about the possibility of him being "Screwed"

I'd get another car share lined up if I were you.

Previous posters are right. He is letting you into the private details of his relationship because he wants sympathy and positive strokes.

I would bet money on the fact that his relationship is no different to thousands / millions of others. He could act on his unhappiness but doesn’t. Why is that?

If he is miserable and wants to make things better then he needs to seek counselling for himself or see his GP if he is depressed. Confiding in younger, female colleagues is targeted. It’s his way in to developing emotional connections outside of his primary relationship. If he invested that time in his primary relationship or alternatively leaving his primary relationship he would not be in this predicament.

And yes to previous poster who said men overestimate their contribution to relationships. 100%.

Sleazy. And people fall for it.

For the record, I am willing to believe he doesn't want to get in your pants. But he DOES want someone to tell him that he's right, and to be supportive and kind and to help him believe that his world view is the right one. he doesn't want to talk to people his own age and who know his partner and children because they're far more likely to tell him he's being a dick.

When a man in DH's friendship group had an affair, they were his friends so they weren't going to cut him off, but they all told him he had to sort himself out, and one insisted that he transfer all joint finances into his wife's name as she was literally left at home with the baby (the wife told me this, not DH - she was very grateful). They were supportive of him, but not scared to tell him what a complete plonker he was.

She doesn't know who he car shares with. He always drives and drops me off first. He has said she wouldn't allow it.

For seven years 😂

Either he is full of bullshit or you are.

Weird she's never noticed despite checking his devices. You've never had to message him in this time. So strange