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Original poster

Husband is out with another woman

474 replies

southeastlady · 19/11/2022 21:18

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/11/2022 22:24

Dear God.

Pull all your joint financial info tomorrow and call a solicitor on Monday, don’t tell him you are filing for divorce until you have a plan.

The man is an absolute nob OP, and the sooner you kick him out of your life the better.

I am really sorry though.

Gymnopedie · 19/11/2022 22:24

OP I know you're in shock - you knew things weren't good but you didn't know he'd unilaterally decided you were on a break.

But please don't just hang around waiting for him to decide. He shouldn't have that much control over your life*. Take your own time to think things through and work out what you want. What happens next isn't all up to him.

*And if you let him walk all over you once it just says to him that he can do what he likes whenever he likes and there won't be any consequences. My feeling is you'll never trust him properly again.

Stravaig · 19/11/2022 22:25

Do you know there's another woman, or are you assuming the worst?
He could be out with friend(s).

Did you discuss and agree to taking a break from each other?
In which case it's reasonable for him to expect space during that time, apart from co-parenting.

However if he simply moved into the spare room with no discussion, and if you know for sure he's having an affair - then what everyone else said about LTB and divorce.

saraclara · 19/11/2022 22:25

Don't do anything in the house that isn't just for you or your son. No cooking for him, no washing or ironing, nothing. Apparently you're on a break, so he's responsible for his own stuff now.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 19/11/2022 22:27

Stravaig · 19/11/2022 22:25

Do you know there's another woman, or are you assuming the worst?
He could be out with friend(s).

Did you discuss and agree to taking a break from each other?
In which case it's reasonable for him to expect space during that time, apart from co-parenting.

However if he simply moved into the spare room with no discussion, and if you know for sure he's having an affair - then what everyone else said about LTB and divorce.

This.

OP how do you know that "mystery person" isn't his dull mate from work, but he's just deliberately acting like it's all mysterious to be a dick and cause you hurt.

WaveyHair · 19/11/2022 22:29

Make sure you are on a break from his cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. Right now you have a house mate and he needs to be treated as such. No discussion, let him work it out.

But he is still a father and needs to be pulling his weight of child care\costs.

I would also be getting hold of a solicitor and work out how to make this a permanent break and just get rid. No discussion, just tell him when he needs to know.

Newwardrobe · 19/11/2022 22:29

Thinking about it, I would lock him out for tonight, just say you didn't realise he was coming home , I doubt you'll get into trouble , it's not as if you're locking him out permanently.

DuplicateUserName · 19/11/2022 22:30

Newwardrobe · 19/11/2022 22:29

Thinking about it, I would lock him out for tonight, just say you didn't realise he was coming home , I doubt you'll get into trouble , it's not as if you're locking him out permanently.

Like he's not going to wake the OP and half the street, banging on the door?

LouLou198 · 19/11/2022 22:31

aloris · 19/11/2022 21:32

You're not boyfriend and girlfriend. You are husband and wife. How do you be 'on a break' from being married? It's not a thing. Until you are divorced, he's just cheating.

Exactly this! So sorry you are having to go through this OP

Sandra1984 · 19/11/2022 22:31

southeastlady · 19/11/2022 21:29

No support just me and our son here. I’ve locked the door but he’s got his key on him.

Its a jointly owned house so I believe he has every right to be here.

Feel absolutely sick, on the scrap heap of life. Already wondering who she is and what’s better about her

That's not the right mindset to have, it would be something along the lines of "This is not how a partner behaves, I don't want him as a partner anymore so let me put the ducks on a row because I refuse to deal with this level of BS". Once you put ducks in row you serve him with divorce papers.

EveryoneToHisOwnGout · 19/11/2022 22:33

OP, I'm really sorry. This is a horrible situation.

You didn't ask him what time he'd be in because of wanting to know whether to lock the door or not (you've already said he has a key, so you could just have locked up and gone to bed). You asked him because you wanted him to tell the truth about who he's with, and what he's doing with them. Which is perfectly reasonable.

Did you agree that you are "on a break"? If so, he can do what he likes. If not, he's cheating if he is intimate with someone else (though you presumably don't know if this is the case).

I would see a solicitor asap to find out exactly what your legal position is. You can't change the locks, as you said, so don't go down that route!

Ilovelurchers · 19/11/2022 22:44

OP he is a total cunt. I would go through his stuff while he is out personally, to see what I could find. Just out of curiosity and while you have the opportunity. You never know when/how whatever you find out might come in handy.....

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/11/2022 22:44

I know this isn't super helpful right now but 40 is young; I would kill to be 40 again. You have plenty of time to ditch this abusive asshole and carve out a really nice life for you and your child.

Can you afford to take a couple of days annual leave to sort out some child care going forward?

DarkShade · 19/11/2022 22:44

Tell him you can't take a break from your marriage, you either divorce or stay together, you do not consent to a break and so he needs to collect his things to move out if that's what he wants. Fuck waiting around at home while he dates, is he insane.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/11/2022 22:45

Ilovelurchers · 19/11/2022 22:44

OP he is a total cunt. I would go through his stuff while he is out personally, to see what I could find. Just out of curiosity and while you have the opportunity. You never know when/how whatever you find out might come in handy.....

Yeah, this is a good idea. Gather up financial paperwork and other documentation and lock it in your car or give it to someone else to hang on to. So you can prove his income, etc., going forward if CMS becomes an issue.

Moraxella · 19/11/2022 22:46

Yes @Ilovelurchers !
you’ve got the house to yourself. Get digging and get organised.

Honeyroar · 19/11/2022 22:48

I think I’d text him again just to spoil his night! Tell him you’re not on a break, as someone else said, you’re still married until you get divorced.
Get some legal advice and get your ball rolling. Don’t be sitting at home while he goes out playing around. He either throws everything into getting the marriage back on track or you split up. Don’t accept limbo.

Ttbhappy · 19/11/2022 22:50

He is trying to keep you as back up. WOW how special does he make you feel. Remember this moment of how he made you feel and decide what to do.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 19/11/2022 22:52

Moraxella · 19/11/2022 22:46

Yes @Ilovelurchers !
you’ve got the house to yourself. Get digging and get organised.

Good advice
Pension/ bank statements
Search the iPad or laptop
Search his drawers and wardrobe

Utilise the time wisely

NalaNana · 19/11/2022 22:53

Do you know for sure that he's out with another woman? Could he just be out with friends?

Shouldbedoing · 19/11/2022 22:54

I'm sorry OP, that cruel 'on a break' reply was written for the benefit of his companion, to make him look as separated as he claims to be. Use your anger to get organised.

Freshmind001 · 19/11/2022 22:56

I felt a gut punch just reading that. I am so sorry he's treating you that way OP. As others have rightfully said, lock those doors and get onto those divorce papers. He clearly has no respect for you even if you are on "break" which I don't even believe in since your married, that's absolute nonsense! You clearly deserve more than disgusting behaviour from someone who is suppose to be your husband x

BCBird · 19/11/2022 22:58

Hi. Thinking about you. Don't waste your time wondering about her-pointless . Think about peace. That will come when he is no longer stringing you along and you get what you deserve. Get rid. He doesn't deserve you. X

Stravaig · 19/11/2022 22:59

Checked your other thread - this is a separation, he told you he is moving out, and he's been staying with family or in the spare room since then.

You are hurt and upset, in shock, that's understandable. But it is not remotely helpful to obsess about 'another woman' there is no tangible sign of in any of your posts. Mumsnet is a wonderful source of support, and can best help and advise without the added dramatisation.

JCoverdale · 19/11/2022 23:01

NalaNana · 19/11/2022 22:53

Do you know for sure that he's out with another woman? Could he just be out with friends?

This is a critical question that has been asked several times, but OP is not answering.... very odd.

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