Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

The support and advice has been invaluable honestly

Im 99% sure there is a woman he’s out with and I wish I knew where she lived so I could take all his stuff round there

Please don’t waste your time wondering about other women and what they have that you don’t, etc. He’s a complete TWAT and doesn’t deserve your tears!

If this is what your marriage has to offer, why would you want him? I went through something like this years ago. It hurt like hell and divorce was heart-wrenching but it ended up leading me to living my best life, single. A man who treats you this way is showing utter contempt for you. Pull yourself up and bin him.

Text him back yes I know we're not together but I have my fella here and I don't want you disturbing us 😂 or leave a condom wrapper where he can see it. Next time don't ask him and get a divorce. He sounds like an arsehole.

“Do you have any burly men in your family or circle of friends? If so, ask them to come round, wait for him to come home and let them tell him he needs to find alternative accommodation until your divorce is sorted.“

ridiculous advice , and illegal.

Also there’s so much bullshit advice on here about changing locks and chucking him out. It’s his house too , I’m sure OP is aware of this and is rightly ignoring such nonsense

This bloke is a scrap of shit on a shoe mate - you deserve so much better. Change the locks. he is a manchild twat.

Stop with all the change the locks bad advice,this shit advice get trotted out as if it’s fact really frequently
if it’s a joint tenancy or be is the owner you cannot prevent occupancy without a court order
Mumsnet can be really helpful it can also unfortunately repeat inaccurate half truths
@southeastlady sorry you’re going through this

@southeastlady hi first you have done nothing wrong- he may try and come up with some lame ‘reasons’ and yes he will place the blame with you, it’s what’s cheaters do, but it’s not you it’s 100% down to his head being turned.

Secondly- I’ve been where you are and my advice is to leave him to his spare room, do not cook his meals or do his washing, buy your own groceries, do not even sit with him to watch tv

Thirdly- the language he’s using is very telling- it’s all peachy for him now cause he’s got his fancy woman- this will not last. Just let him get on with it, while at the same time put plans in motion for separation.

This will be hard initially but as time goes by it will get easier

It's not being 'trotted out' it's being advised. OP also owns half the house/has half the tenancy and unless the DH rings the police (he'd have to be a cold heated Cunt to do that) then he will respect her desire for space and stay elsewhere for a while.

Oh he’s trash. Treat him as live in child care until inevitably he moves out. Do nothing for him. He shouldn’t even use your toothpaste.

Change the locks! Yes its being trotted out. Glibly. It is MN perennial bad advice It’s rash and illegal.
Oh and I see get some heavies round has been suggested too

I feel like tomorrow not even saying anything to him about where he’s been

That's exactly what you should do. Making a scene or throwing recriminations at him (no matter how justified) isn't going to do anything but further convince him that he's right to want out of your marriage. You need to begin treating him as if he no longer exists. Don't speak to him other than about your child or absolutely necessary family 'business matters' like finances. No cooking, laundry, life admin, picking up after him. Holidays coming? He can send his own Xmas cards and do his own Xmas shopping. Ditto for Xmas dinner. If he wants it, he cooks it. You & DC go to your mum's. He wants to be single? Fine. Then he needs to start doing his own grunt work as well as 'having fun'.

You need to direct all that energy into planning for your future, including childcare. He's already 'checked out' and you need to understand that he may walk out the door permanently at any moment and you need to be prepared. Don't assume that you can 'make' him have your son during your shifts once he's gone. If you can't make him do anything now, you certainly won't be able to once he's gone. I don't know what the answer is for a shift worker, I'm not in the UK and my DC are long grown. But you can't wait til the last minute to start your research.

Don't bury your head in the sand. He may not have left physically, but he's 'gone'.

It's not being 'trotted out' it's being advised. OP also owns half the house/has half the tenancy and unless the DH rings the police (he'd have to be a cold heated Cunt to do that) then he will respect her desire for space and stay elsewhere for a while.

Oh don't be so bloody silly.

Why would he want to stay anywhere else when he's paying half the mortgage on the home he's living in now?

If you think he wouldn't call the police you're extremely naive.

@southeastlady Best advice so far is the PP that said 'go quiet'. Don't ask him anything about this evening.

It will unnerve him, put him on the backfoot and in the meantime you quietly get your ducks in a row and make plans to look and move forward with your wee boy.

And so many advising the OP to leave the key on the inside of the door so he can't get in.

Like he's not going to bang loudly on the door until she opens it 🙄

You posted last year saying you wanted him out of the house over his excessive drinking.You said you saw a solicitor.You also said he's terrible with money and spends it as soon as he has it.

He's now pissing you about and most likely cheating.

How much more of this man's bullshit are you willing to tolerate?

Who cares how old he is and how old a potential OW;is he absolutely no prize and frankly you'd be better off letting another woman take this walking disaster of a man off your hands.

If you’re a police officer you can ask to be moved to a role where you can work days even if that is temporary at first. Your circumstances have changed unexpectedly that’s not your fault. I would speak to your line manager urgently and ask the cheating husband to leave

I'm guessing you're in the Police force so the shifts would be difficult to manage however, you are worth far more than this. Please consider asking whether you can move to a tole that would allow to work a set shift pattern. They do exist.

Oh, and don't rule out moving nearer your mum if she does relocate if she's willing to help out with DC. It may not be possible/practical, but don't completely rule it out until you've thoroughly investigated it. Yes, it may mean changing employers or transferring work locations, but that may also be worthwhile.

Your focus should not be on who he is with. He will have told her anything including that you are a baddie and he is a saint.

She is irrelevant, it’s yourself you need to focus on and how to split up with him ASAP with as little drama as possible.

How do you know he's out with a woman?

Make yourself unavailable to him, don't chase him

He’s clear checked out of the marriage. Don’t waste your time on details of the other woman ( there will be one, and he’ll never tell you the truth).

It sounds like the first thing you need to do is get legal advice about how to financially disassociate yourself from him as part of a legal separation.

Ugh, what a charmer!

He may be ‘on a break’ but real life goes on!

Get yourself online to Turn2Us or another benefit calculator & check out what you might claim if you split - even though you may still live in the same place - to make sure that you can get by without his contributions. You could do that now or tomorrow.

While you are online, the Law Society has a searchable list of solicitors, look for a family law specialist in your area. Email a brief explanation & request for an appointment that works with your current hours for basic advice about your rights - get this sent so that it is there for Monday morning. Gather all documents & certificates etc relating to marriage, incomes/debts, house, mortgage, pensions, investments etc, make copies & keep originals & copies safe away from home or somewhere lockable. If he is a bit chaotic with money, I assume that he will also have some personal disorganisation (?), so make sure that you have all the documentation mentioned that you will need safely stashed.

Although you work nights, this is to your advantage right now as you are free during part of the working day to make progress. By this time next week, you may have a far far better handle on your situation by being better informed with better control of your life.

Who knows what he is up to or who he is with, what matters is what you do for yourself.

As others have mentioned, do nothing more for him: no cooking, no shopping, no shared meals, no washing, no more financial support. Nada. This is important as you need to prove that you are no longer living as a couple should you claim a benefit. It is possible to claim as a single person & still living under the same roof which is in both your names. The Govt website about Universal Credit gives a definition.

The solicitor will give you practical advice about how legally separated couples cohabit e.g. reasonable requests about returning home so that the front door can be secured etc.

Hang in there, this has been a nasty shock.
Get good legal advice, protect yourself & your family by being well informed.
You will come through this crisis.

Oh, good advice from previous MNetters, don’t blub or blather at the solicitors, the meter is running 😉.

I wouldnt go quiet well I would but not after I had 100% embarrassed the twat by telling anyone who would listen exactly what a superstar he is in the way he is treating you ,his wife and child by his appalling behaviour. Bet his mother would be very proud of hm if she knew how, her son, was treating his wife and her grandson so badly. Bet your parents wouldnt be so chuffed either with you being put into this awful state by him...fuck him Op.He is a bad minded man and you dont need him I promise you you dont need him.

You are in the same job as me . I'm guessing. Just joined - pension, nights . I get it .

What you need to do is go straight to your Sgt and inspector and tell them what's happening.

They should cut you some slack and help find the support you're going to need .

Are you through probation yet ?

Tell work . They have a duty to support you. How long do you have in ?