Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

On another note, re OH, see your GP with a view to being signed off with stress. You don't have to be signed off, but the fact you've sen your GP will lend weight to their recommendations.
In my experience, their advice is VERY rarely challenged, as it could lead to a possible claim against the job. You say you're not allowed to do days - is that just what you've been told, or have you officially applied and been knocked back?

Or a combination? Local babysitter/agency for the lates and your mum for the nightshifts? Plus then once you agreed whatever contact schedule the amount of sessions would need covered as say EOW your child would already be with his dad?

My mum will be living 2 hours away soon and doesn’t drive, my son could stay with her during holidays it’s just school time I need to worry about

For those asking I’m on response, where I work 6 on 4 off. 2 early 2 lates 2 nights.

I did think of an au pair but since brexit are they still available?
And I wouldn’t need someone living in my house all the time it’s only the lates and nights I’d need help with, would a babysitter be suitable or would it cost a fortune?

I don’t think I could do response until retirement, the nights are a killer! I would be interested in working in the offender management dept. Still a police officer but they work mon - Fri 8 until 4
But you have to be out of probation to apply for that, and of course have to wait until there’s a vacancy.
I also thought about CID but they have worse shifts then us, work for 7 then have 3 days off. Sod that :)

Have you had a proper chat with work,manager about what s actually going on.so you are not just someone wanting specified shifts but someone in trouble right now and needs support?
You cannot sunject yoirself to him for that long.tou will be utterly miserable and it will harm your child too!
Have you spoken to your dp.seriois hard talk what happens now stuff.
Is there any local families you can ask for childcare advice.any family friends teen even.

.....and of course have to wait until there’s a vacancy.

Would you be willing/able to relocate? I worked in the (US) Civil Service and vacancies for certain coveted postitions in our 'area' were few and far between. But if one was willing to relocate it greatly increased the odds as you could apply for more vacancies. Another thing we had were hardship transfers. If one were approved as a hardship case, their probationary status was disregarded and they could apply for transfer to other locations before probation was over and without meeting a 'time in service' requirement.

Of course, you'll have to take into consideration your DC's relationship with their father and any possible child access orders. Naturally you should speak with a solicitor before you contemplate any move to see if there is any type of 'you can't move more than XX miles/hours away" requirement and any exceptions.

Some of our student officers went on to SNT - is that an option? The shifts are generally better on neighbourhoods. Not full nights . Unsure if that would help?

I would talk to a fed rep . At least explore the options. Management will sometimes think if you have no choice you'll do what they prefer - that's not always the case . A fed rep could advise you better without any ulterior motive for saying outright you can't do XYZ .

I did 12 years response then 18 months SNT - now I'm finally looking like I'm getting a mon-fri 9-5 position for the first time .

Yes you'll need to do response most likely to get the degree and evidence you can do all aspects of the work but you could explore what options you do have - what about a flexible working pattern ? They can't stop you submitting one - yes they can knock it back but again - speak to a fed rep .

You could work flexibly and still do response and keep going with the degree.

It depends on what you really want to do deep down . Is the relationship over ? Do you want toReconcile ? Does he ? I'd really look at all the options available before deciding that you're stuck with him .

Just joining the pps to say get an au pair. Or you could try to find a responsible student who is willing to do the childcare and school pick ups/drop offs when you are on shifts for low/no rent. If you get maybe someone studying education or social work or similar they may well be dbs checked too.

Please don’t stay with your dreadful DH just for childcare.

I'm honestly surprised at the "he can opt out of being a husband but he can't opt out of being a father" responses. Of course he can. Given the way this man conducts himself, you really think he's going to have his child, particularly if it would mean assisting OPs ability to work.

Some guys (lots actually) can and do just walk away from all responsibility, children included.

Yes exactly, treating the mother of your children badly is not being a good father. I am also surprised that people mostly separate the two elements, because it equates to not being a family man whichever way you look at. Your either one or the other in my book.

@southeastlady As someone who joined up in your age range and as a retired supervisor in the Job. If you approached me with the issues that you are facing, I would have tried to be as accommodating as possible with shift changes. As you probably know the situation that you are in is very common in the service and if can have a direct effect on day-to-day duties. If you have not already spoken to your Sergeant of Inspector about your personal issues if may be an idea to do so now.

You probably feel under pressure as a probationary officer, but we are all equal.

I wish you all the very best OP.

Just when you thought life couldn’t get anymore peachy!

He is weekly paid and what happens is as he’s crap with money his money gets paid into my bank account, I keep his half of the bills and food and transfer anything above this amount to his own bank account.

Not a small amount, most weeks he gets over £300 and it only has to last him 1 week! All he has to buy out of it himself is his petrol and tobacco.

He’s asked me for petrol money otherwise he can’t get to work. I’ve said no.

Have a shot myself in the foot though? He’s self employed and if he doesn’t get to work he doesn’t get paid which would leave me covering all the bills and food which is of course a lot more a week then the £60 it would cost to fill his car up

He can’t use his credit card as they’ve halfed his credit limit so now he has no available credit

Yeah I’d give him the money

he needs to work

that’s seperate from him being a cheat surely

If its going yo cost you more there's no point just give him the money

Give him the money, you really shouldn't withhold his salary though I'd stop managing his money for him. Work out what half the bills are, get him to set up a weekly standing order for that amount plus whatever needs to be set aside for the DC and let him fritter the rest away to his own disadvantage

Yes that’s what happens now, he only gives his half of the bills and food the rest is his to do what he wants with

Give him the money, but say it will be deducted from next week's money- if you are both contributing equally, then he can't decide to contribute less- leaving you to put more into the pot. Especially as he spent his petrol money entertaining another women!

Based on your update, and my misunderstanding the original post, I'd do what jenny38 suggested

I tend to agree with @jenny38 , this time. Although my first thought was to tell him to go sell his xbox/ps5/golf clubs/arse to fuel his car. My 2nd thought was that I'd check his fuel gauge first to see if he really did need fuel (since he's a liar) and then give him only enough to do a week's driving.

But I'd let him know in NO uncertain terms that this is the last time you'll 'lend' him any money, get to work or no. Because if you don't, he'll continue to spend his money on his 'bachelor life' knowing that can can borrow from you 'to get to work'.

I'd also give a thought to the fact that he may decide at any time to redirect his pay to his own bank account.

I'd also give a thought to the fact that he may decide at any time to redirect his pay to his own bank account.

Yes that’s a worry and he’s threatened that before. But he’d still have to pay his share of bills and food.
If he doesn’t pay up then I could change the direct debits to come out of his account instead. He won’t like that!

You go, girl!

One thing to remember though, is that he doesn't 'have' to pay anything. I mean that in the sense that he could say 'fuck it' and just stop. One of my BFFs lost her house that way. Her ex's abuse caused her to do a midnight flit for her own safety. He then refused to leave the house, refused to pay the mortgage, and refused to list the house. She couldn't afford her rent AND the mortgage so the house was foreclosed. He told her he'd rather it be foreclosed than that she should ever see one penny from a sale, and he was as good as his word.

If you aren't able to 'cover' the bills on your own, it's best to try to start socking away whatever you can 'just in case'. Your H has already shown that he can be a real prick. It's not a far step to vindictive and cutting off his own nose to spite his face. It's funny/not funny that they say 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' when it seems to me that it's the men who always turn into vindictive bastards.

I agree with other posters. Talk to your manager/HR, they will make adjustments for a period of time while you sort things out. Maybe get an agreement to do the 6-4 shift for a while that way child care will be easier to organise. In your position I wouldn't discuss my plans with him. I would organise my shifts with work first then tell him. When he asks why you can then tell him that given that you and him are on a break that you can no longer rely on him therefore you are relying on yourself. Men hate it when they have no power so taking away his power and showing him that you don't need him will have empower you.

What a prick. I hope you are able to get him to leave.

This is just going to end up with you both playing game with each other.and it’s going to harm everyone.you don’t need to wait for any age or time. You need to figure out how to leave now. It’s not easy but people are doing it.have done it.

A break? You mean separated? Isn't the idea to get space and some perspective and see if either one of you wants to save your marriage? This sounds more like he just wants a reason to have sex with other women but not be labeled a cheater.

I'd consider the relationship dead and start paperwork.