Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

Hope you're OK OP? It must be tough with such a stressful job and this going on at home. Sending strength to you x

This!!!

A bit of karma for him;

His credit card company have sent him a letter saying they are reducing his credit limit from £8,000 down to £4,000

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Just posted you the link above. Follow the instructions! Speak to a solicitor on the quiet answer get yourself in order.

Hope you are as ok as you can be .

People often think it's clever to get the last word or the last big gesture in as a fuck you but there's something beautifully dignified in silently dismissing his words as the useless empty words that they are. They don't align with his actions. He was nasty and cruel - and he didn't care one bit.

Silence keeps you dignified.
Silence can lull him into false security.
Silence can really worry the shit out of him.
Silence is your weapon now. It's powerful so use it wisely.

I'm guessing his mum knows what a useless shitebag he is and doesn't want him or his fucking debt under her roof again so has bollocked him for walking away from a decent hard working financially stable woman, his child, his lovely home and all for something that caught his eye, at best.

@ItsaMetalBand

I love this ,and was my greatest weapon when mine shat all over me.
It left him very uneasy.

My mum says she wants to move up to the midlands where my brother is so won’t be living with me :(

Looks like I’m stuck with him until our sons a lot older :(

You are not stuck! Would you love there too? At the same time? Maybe three of you could share or you could see about somewhere just for you?

I won’t be able to do my job if my mum didn’t live with me

There has got to be other options

You can't let this bastard do this xxxxxx

OP, he has to step up with childcare support or support you financially.

You are not stuck with this tosser. Please play hard ball, do the 180 as has been suggested above. Please do not put up with his repugnant and disrespectful behaviour.

Guys divorce is all fine, but don’t make the mistake of bringing that decision in an angry phase. Calm down, have adult conversations, tit for tat is immature. Your child deserves you at least to be mature and handle this properly if your man can not handle things, don’t jump to conclusions too quickly, don’t accept mistreatment but also wait for a calmer phase to be able to bring a decision going forward. He’s probably hopeless and got up to something with a ghost, seriously, he does not sound like a dynamic hottie. Whatever happens you have a child to think of too, any decision needs to be not borne out of revenge but out of careful assessment.

Why can't you still co-parent as you do now ? Do y just take the path of lest resistance. You're almost 40 . I'm now 50 and between 40 and 50 a lot has changed . I have athritis, I'm menopausal, in the last 6 months I've gained 2 stone , I'm going grey , I feel past it . Do t waste the next 10 years of your life on someone who checks out of a marriage to spend the night with another women. You aren't stuck with him . Have you told anyone in the job what's happening in your personal life ? You do have options - IF you want to explore them . Dont just settle . You'll get older , the job knackers you out , it wears you down , dont waste the next few years - please .

I have spoken to work, they said I can’t just do day shifts.

Not sure what other options I have, the thought of living in the same house as him for another 10 years fills me with dread

Sometimes you have to play a long game

most critical is you get things calm and start to
plan and emotionally distance

we all know divorce and shared childcare can’t happen fast in these times

focus in getting over the shock , getting educated on legal , work is important too

but also the power he has to upset you
that needs a major reduction

it’s hard . Loving with my ex pre split wasn’t pleasant
but I held firm and in the end he left

Why can't he still have him for nights ? I'm assuming you're in a 6 on 4 off ? That's only two nights every 10 days- he's a father - he might opt out of marriage but he can't opt out of being a
Father .....he has him now while you're in nights - that doesn't have to change . Do t you let him sabotage your career or your happiness. And work have a duty of care
To
You - not just the job . Why do t you get
Hold of a fed rep for a
Bit of advice ? I've had to do that recently and what my inspector was telling me was t the whole truth ....fed rep was very helpful .
Dont just lie down . If you want to stay with him I get it but seriously don't make you're ill. The job invests a lot in you by the time you're a year in - when push comes to
Shove they'll want to
Keep you and if that means a temporary adjustment while you get sorted- the fed would help .

Would also need him for the late shifts which are 2 until 11:30pm so would be 4 nights in a row.

He’s a selfish prick, there’s no way he would do anything to help me out

South

He can't just "opt out " of parental responsibility.

It's
Not helping you out it's being a father to his son - as you would have him while he is working .

Are you having doubts about ending things ? I get it . If you are I get it . But sit down and be honest with yourself about why .

Marriage is a commitment and I would totally get it if you wanted to try and work things out - but do it for the right reasons. Not because you feel stuck and have to .
Dont waste these next years if that's not in your heart what you want .

I look in the mirror now and cringe . I've not a
Hope in hell of starting again now

A year ago - maybe .

Dont waste your best years . And do t let him have his cake and eat it because of childcare. Does work still do
Childcare vouchers? If lush comes to shove they aren't going to watch you leave for the sake of some support for a while and some adjustments while you get sorted .

Op I know it’s probably too soon and your head might not be thinking this way at the moment
but have you thought about planning to sell and move to where your mum & brother will be living and transfer your police course there? That way you’d have your own place but with family support, instead of possibly asking your mum to live with you where you are, which I’m not sure if you’re keen on.

Its a big upheaval for you and your child, but at least you’ll be close to family for support.
He’s destroyed your marriage, don’t let him try to ruin your career too.

"He’s destroyed your marriage, don’t let him try to ruin your career too".
This!!!

Speak to the Fed, involve OH. Are you response or in a Dept?

Don't ever stay in the house with him

It will slowly destroy you

Explore all options now

Could you get a nanny?

Of course he can opt out. It's morally reprehensible and horrible behaviour, but no one can force him to parent.

OP maybe an Aupair might be an option given you have a spare room? Or would you mum be ok to come stay for your night and evenings shifts, you could offer to pay travel costs. If I was retired I'd do this for my DC. A nurse I know whose dead beat ex wasn't interested in seeing the kids at all used a nanny. Moving might be an option but only if he's not willing to fight it.