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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is out with another woman

474 replies

southeastlady · 19/11/2022 21:18

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 20/11/2022 17:45

So sorry up to see your post - he is behaving appallingly and you should lock him out and tell him to not come back. What an absolute shit.
why can’t he move out now or already?? Don’t accept this - get your own space back. You are worth way more than this. His behaviour is despicable. I actually think worse than just having an affair - it’s callous and nasty. Do you have a solicitor or someone you can turn to irl for legal advice? Best of luck to you xxxxxx

CallmeCath · 20/11/2022 17:45

@MarieIVanArkleStinks and I have always loved Muriel's/Mariel's Wedding so, don't wish to fall out with you.

OldFan · 20/11/2022 17:45

Once a partner has ended their relationship with you, it is no longer your business how they spend their time

@Stravaig He himself is calling it 'on a break' and is saying that presumably so he can claim it's ok to go out with another woman and/or get laid.

He is conveniently claiming a finality to their relationship (at least for now when it's convenient to him) which has not been conveyed this cruelly and intensely to OP before. It's the first she's heard of it in this brutal register (which he's using to justify not speaking to her decently.)

Stravaig · 20/11/2022 17:53

@OldFan That's not accurate. If you read all the posts, including those which reference an earlier thread, it becomes clear that husband told OP he was moving out two and a half weeks ago, and has stayed with family when he can.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/11/2022 17:57

CallmeCath · 20/11/2022 17:45

@MarieIVanArkleStinks and I have always loved Muriel's/Mariel's Wedding so, don't wish to fall out with you.

We haven't. I do understand that you felt very strongly about what you said, and there is some daft advice on this thread. It's just that sometimes things get misconstrued and threads escalate so quickly, and then disintegrate!

CallmeCath · 20/11/2022 18:01

"@southeastlady My Dad died in May he was everything to me I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to him".

I am so very very sorry for your loss Op. My Dad died 3 yrs ago, i wish i too could pick up the phone to him. You will be ok and Dad will be watching over you.

Goldpaw · 20/11/2022 18:14

Chubbymcfatfuck · 20/11/2022 10:32

Will the fact that you are married now override this though? And will your savings be seen as marital assets? I think you should get legal advice ASAP.
I also think you should ask your mother to move in. It seems like the only workable solution if you want to stay in your current role. I know what you are saying about meeting someone, but you have enough to worry about for now, and if you feel like dating again once everything is settled you'll just have to work around it or stay at their place or something!
It will be tough for the next while, but it will get easier, that I promise.

Show quote history

Me and my ex husband had a deed of trust. When we separated we each got our alloted percentages.

twoandcooplease · 20/11/2022 18:16

I am furious on your behalf after reading the updates and seeing he came in at 3:30! I thought maybe you were being paranoid as well but I don't think so now

What a fucking arse

Poppyblush · 20/11/2022 18:18

Can you not buy him out? With house prices falling, now is a good time.

xJ0y · 20/11/2022 18:40

ha, on a break ''at the moment''.
He thinks he can just press pause on his marriage and then go back to it after his date Confused

Neanov · 20/11/2022 18:46

southeastlady · 19/11/2022 21:37

I’m buggered without him not living here though, I work shifts some of them being at nights

Get your act together OP for your own sake and your childs too. If you work shifts apply for a flexible contracted hours... go part time if that's an option. Are you a nurse? When I was in desperate need I used a childminder on childcare.co.uk

Your husband is likely not coming home tonight because he's occupied.

Look at applying for outpatients if you are NHS

WineAndDontDine · 20/11/2022 18:47

ahunf · 20/11/2022 16:56

@WineAndDontDine
This is my worst nightmare op.*
*
Really? I can't wait for it 😬

Weird kink but no judgement here 😜

CheshireCat1 · 20/11/2022 18:52

Get some legal advice before you do anything. Try and stay calm in the meantime, even though it will be difficult.
She’s not better than you and you haven’t done anything wrong, this is his issue.
A similar thing happened to me years ago, I divorced him for adultery and ended up with the house. It will be difficult for awhile but not as bad as how you're feeling now.
I married again and have never been happier, looking back my ex did me a massive favour by having an affair.
Stay strong for your son, tell them at work what’s happening, you’ll be surprised in how much emotional and practical support that you’ll get, just be honest with everyone and build your team around you.

Backtoblack1 · 20/11/2022 18:56

Hope you’re ok. Have you managed to speak to him yet? X

Bestcatmum · 20/11/2022 19:08

My exH tried to come back as soon as he was told by his solicitor he couldn't have the house because I owned it before we were married. I had the greatest satisfaction of kicking him out and changing the locks.
He's been having an affair too and not contributing anything to the household. I was still gutted though because we'd been married 20 years.
He absolutely put me through the mill. But I'm very comfortably off now while he's living in a rented shitty bedsit on woman number 4 now apparently with no job.
It was a lesson to me though - I will never marry again even if I find the love of my life. I'm not risking my DS's inheritance again for anyone.

NameChangeNotAgain · 20/11/2022 19:11

CheshireCat1 · 20/11/2022 18:52

Get some legal advice before you do anything. Try and stay calm in the meantime, even though it will be difficult.
She’s not better than you and you haven’t done anything wrong, this is his issue.
A similar thing happened to me years ago, I divorced him for adultery and ended up with the house. It will be difficult for awhile but not as bad as how you're feeling now.
I married again and have never been happier, looking back my ex did me a massive favour by having an affair.
Stay strong for your son, tell them at work what’s happening, you’ll be surprised in how much emotional and practical support that you’ll get, just be honest with everyone and build your team around you.

I agree with what you say, my mum was in same boat and my dad was a serial cheater. We had to go live at my grandma's and my dad got the house. I still don't know why. I'm no legal expert.

I think grey rocking and doing a shit load of photocopying financial paperwork, research, planning and getting a solicitor like many have said. Cool, calm logic over emotion.

I hope he ends up shitting himself.

Citycentre3 · 20/11/2022 19:13

Bestcatmum · 20/11/2022 19:08

My exH tried to come back as soon as he was told by his solicitor he couldn't have the house because I owned it before we were married. I had the greatest satisfaction of kicking him out and changing the locks.
He's been having an affair too and not contributing anything to the household. I was still gutted though because we'd been married 20 years.
He absolutely put me through the mill. But I'm very comfortably off now while he's living in a rented shitty bedsit on woman number 4 now apparently with no job.
It was a lesson to me though - I will never marry again even if I find the love of my life. I'm not risking my DS's inheritance again for anyone.

Again I did a whole thread on this and got shot down in flames for it, but I just want to say I wish more people thought this way, it is very commendable and sensible, but most of all it makes you a very good mother.

Tereseta · 20/11/2022 19:15

If you own 70% of the house is buying him out not an option? I would be gathering all the information I could right now while he is flexing his "freedom".

Sundayvibes · 20/11/2022 19:34

Crikey!

Theres some absolute nut jobs on this thread

emptythelitterbox · 20/11/2022 19:58

CallmeCath · 20/11/2022 17:42

@MarieIVanArkleStinks i am not being vitriolic. Just some of the advise on this thread has been totally ludicrous. From locking a man out of his own mortgaged home, to getting heavies in to remove him, to making his life a misery. For goodness sake a marriage has ended, it happens. Be adults. The poor DS caught in all this. Society and schools will now have pick this up.

It's always up to the woman to do the right thing and be mature.

Might as well lay down and let him wipe his feet on her too as long as it keeps the peace.

Original poster
southeastlady · 20/11/2022 20:49

He’s just text

I’m so sorry for sending those messages yesterday, they were horrible and very unnecessary, I wish I could un-send them, I am truly sorry x

not replied yet. Thinking of going with “I think you don’t just take a break from marriage your either married or not so anything you do you do as a married man”

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 20/11/2022 20:58

I think that is a good reply.

I hope you can sort the practicalities.

BadNomad · 20/11/2022 21:00

I wouldn't respond at all at this stage. He thinks he can be a dick to you and ignore you all day, then start up a convo on his terms. No thanks.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/11/2022 21:07

He’s sorry about the messages because they make him look bad! Twat

ChristmasisRuined · 20/11/2022 21:11

southeastlady · 20/11/2022 20:49

He’s just text

I’m so sorry for sending those messages yesterday, they were horrible and very unnecessary, I wish I could un-send them, I am truly sorry x

not replied yet. Thinking of going with “I think you don’t just take a break from marriage your either married or not so anything you do you do as a married man”

My opinion is that you should make sure that he knows that you're aware of what he got up to last night. Make him squirm. Otherwise he just gets away with it, thinking you don't know!