Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

Ask him if the side piece didn't put out like he'd hoped.

Sounds like he's playing games for attention. Tell him to jog on. He made his choice, you're sticking to it.

I’d also be booking in for STD check, babes.

What he did was sadistic. Enough is enough.

Don’t say a word to him. He doesn’t get to carry on his bachelor life under your roof, rubbing your nose in it. He doesn’t get to control your narrative any longer.

@southeastlady, get advice from a solicitor asap to learn your options.

I think I'd either ignore the message (often silence speaks louder than words) or I'd just reply "I'm glad you 'feel sorry' but your apology is not accepted" with no other comment.

Have you scheduled a solicitor's appointment? If not, you certainly should.

Please don’t fall for this. If he’s truly sorry he would move out but instead he’s treating you like a doormat.

Urgh. He's a dick. He wanted a break I assume for a quick shag. Get rid.

@CallmeCath Yes legally he does have a right to be there, but I would argue that morally he does not. To follow the same logic, you might not be able to do anything illegal to get rid of him (I don't know myself whether changing the locks is illegal, I imagine it's a grey area?). However, being (thoroughly) unpleasant to someone isn't illegal. As for whether he had any place else to stay, I'd very much say that was a him problem! I see no reason why anyone in the OPs position needs to worry about the feelings or living arrangements of someone who is actively cheating on them (along with the rest of the nasty stuff he's been up to with the texts etc).

Shielding a child from the bitterness of a breakdown is a bad idea why? The end of lots of relationships can get nasty, whether someone is trying to get someone to leave or not. And honestly, I can't see that living with two parents that have broken up but are co-habiting is an especially enjoyable or healthy experience for a child? Some families make it work, but it's hardly ideal, especially when one party at least is obviously being very immature and destructive about the whole thing. That is, the child has to either watch their parents fight or grey wall or whatever indefinitely, in a horribly strained atmosphere, or else has to witness the father treating the mother like absolute shit, and her passively accepting it.

I'm positive my OH would move out in this situation, as any decent parent / person would undoubtedly do. However, if he for some reason didn't, I would absolutely use any method to get him out. It would be what was best for me, and ultimately best for our children. I do enjoy your Nana's expression though!

omg no OP you’re not going to take him back are you?

why do you even want to reply??

hes shagged another woman but with a sweet talking text you’ll have him back?

why are you even considering talking to him again, other than to break the news you want a divorce.

he’s a piece of shit. He’s treated you like shit. Get some self respect woman. You can do better than this wastrel.

There is huge power in silence. Take your time, go to work, focus on your job and probation, get up every day and live your life. He is acting and talking his way out of a marriage: stand back and let him.

Yes this absolutely

Complete silent treatment. Remember how AWFUL he made you feel while he ran after some skirt. He had you wondering what she has that you haven't in 10 years. He made you question yourself. Keep quiet for now x

Im confused. What messages? We are on a break wss a text?
Tomorrow when you see him state you're filing for divorce and suggest he speaks to a solicitor. Make sure he's aware you've thought things through such as financials and custody and present vague but nevertheless, plans. Act like a grey rock. Wish him a good day/ night and leave the room. Then we will see his true colours

The last message shows what a dick he is. If I were you, I would say NOTHING. Don’t reply, don’t engage with conversation. There’s nothing to talk about until you hit him with divorce papers. Give yourself the upper hand by getting the divorce/finances lined up, before blindsiding him.

He can assume you’re just going about your normal life, when actually you are arming yourself for the upcoming battle, and giving yourself a massive head start, behind his back.

Are you sure he didn't just send the messages because his mum gave him the riot act?

I agree silence and no response is better when you see him it's a simple what your response was of there's no such thing as a break given you don't want to remain married leave the house and we will start divorce proceedings

Hes shutting himself now eh.you didn't kick off.you didn't react to his texts.hes on the back foot and as humans we can't stand that.guiltnypeople really can't. Can't just sit and wait not knowing when the other will do something or if they will.
He's shocked.
He needs to no how you will handle This!
He can't stand not knowing whether he can carry on. Whether you will drop it.
He cannot bare not being in control do your emotions or the outcome of this.
He wanders back in dick swinging about his face inpy tp be splattered with his own mess.
I have a feeling you will let him back.do the whole break thing again.you don't seem ready to see how f up a future with this man will be.
Or he will say sorry and you will carry on.and so the cycle will continue.

I wouldn't respond for now.

But you do need to talk to him.

Say this break for means your over. You don't get to do what you want then come back to me. Maybe moving out is better than going in spare room.

Unless you say he still needs to look after your child while you work.

You need to say something so he knows your in control.

I wouldn't respond just yet. You do need to talk to him properly, but I'd get some legal advice first so you know where you stand before you put wheels in motion with a conversation- then once you have I'd say what you suggested

@southeastlady Are you ok, OP?

I’m ok, didn’t reply to the text.

I haven’t seen him as he’s gone to work and I’m working 2pm to 11:30pm today so won’t see him until tomorrow afternoon now.

Happy days

Stay strong OP. Things will go dark for a while but imagine how much happier you will be in a few months from now.

Go and see a solicitor, i think you are in a much stronger position financially than you realize. The house is 70% yours and when he leaves, he will have to pay you maintenance and you will be entitled to some government support.

A woman I know has just been through the same thing. She had some dark dark weeks but now has her own place, plus UC, child support and tax credits and works full time. Shes better off than she was together and has self-confidence like I've never seen in her.

@southeastlady · Today 09:42

I’m ok, didn’t reply to the text.

I haven’t seen him as he’s gone to work and I’m working 2pm to 11:30pm today so won’t see him until tomorrow afternoon now.

Happy days

Well done for not replying! Good luck with everything, I really hope you seek professional advice and start getting documents together. Wishing you all the best.

Agree well done for not replying youre better than me. Do you not want to know for your own sanity where he was until 7.30am though?

Will you have a chance to get an idea of where you stand on the house, savings and other aspects of separation before you next see him?

Well done op.hes confused now.not used to not be calling the shots.not used to you no cotowing to his wims. Why isn't she acting like she usually does when I bigger off?he'll want that control back.
So be stealth.
He betrayed you in such hurtful ways.he treated you with every disrespect a marriage can.
You will be so much better off without this man. That needy little text shows he's starting to realise this too

^This. Stealth mode.

But do do it op. Keep momentum.
Don't let his backtracking derail you.dont get lost and 're wear the rise tinted glasses. When it's getting tough it can feel safer to stay still.at least you no this pain right?But geudt me a life of this...again and again will destroy you.