Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

This, showing him he doesn’t have control over you will have a stronger effect than throwing his clothes on the street.

It is not really difficult to run from a woman who has tantrums. Whether you want him back or not, Keep your dignity, stop dealing with him as if you are a couple, don’t do anything for him, just see him as the guy who is in the room next to you in a hotel.

Go into entitledto.com and find out how much support you may be able to get.

If the house was 70% before children you may be entitled to more now - good to see a mother protecting her cash!
Can you buy him out?
I’d be seeing a solicitor and get the ball rolling - no need to tell him that though
I would also be hiding my savings - he will be entitled to half and you may have to use the rest when he leaves - start taking it out.

So very sorry for you and your son. In 1962 my Dad started having affairs, I was five and my Mum told me all the gory details including he'd gone on holiday with a bitch and might not be back. I remember telling my teacher my Dad had gone off with a witch (I'd misheard) and I can still remember the shame I felt. I didn't know anyone else whose parents were separated and felt that everyone knew. I know it's different nowadays but do hope you can protect your son as much as possible. Wishing you luck.

The exact same thing happened to me. I completely understand everything you say and feel. I think his text responses, were him “possibly proving” to someone that you arn’t together. I was exactly the same as you, questioning him and wondering what was wrong with me. I went through a massive range of emotions, the pick me dance, the rage and throwing him out, the begging him to come back the waiting for him to realise he missed our family life, all this while we were still living under the same roof as i didn’t have the guts to be the one that broke the family up (even tho i wasn’t, it just felt like it if i was the one to make him leave rather than him leave by choice) in hindsight, i should have brought things to an end a lot sooner. (Went on for a few years) if i could give you any advice, it would be to put you and your son first, but please don’t let yourself be tortured by him coming and going like this, for longer than you have to, by sorting put what needs to/can happen re living arrangements sooner rather than later, it’s heartbreaking, None of this was my fault but in hindsight i feel i “let myself” be tortured for far longer than i should have done by not accepting it was over and realising i wasn’t the one breaking the family up. Sending you strength and a massive hug. Good luck! X

Play him at his own 'game' and go out for hours too.

Why does he get to enjoy 'the break' but you don't?

Many people are pointing out he's legally entitled to stay;a good easy solution to that is to get the house on the market or arrange to buy him out asap.

You say you can't kick him out but if he leaves then you're stuck anyway;it's best you arrange Co parenting around your shifts.

Were you the same poster that said you found a message to his friend from him joking about trading you in for a younger model?

This.

I understand why you text and I'd be the same.

But he knows you know he has a key so he will know you were texting just because.

I honestly don't blame you though.

@CanStopWillStop

No point being a teacher while your pupils are asleep in bed.

Hiding with shame
He's such an asshole

If you have savings and he has debt then you're in a good position to get him to give you his share of the house.
Your son is a good age to be able to pay a local teen to sit in your house watching TV while he sleeps.

You'll be fine without the tosser. And whoever he's shagging will bin him off once he's spent his buy out and maxed all his credit cards.

@Stravaig
You have been separated for two and a half weeks now. it's none of your business where he is, what he's doing, or who he's doing it with.
I beg your pardon? It certainly is her business. Her and her child's whole life is tied up with his. She''s not just a neighbour from somewhere down the road.

In my case after 47 years of marriage, three children and working full time for most of that, my H went off with the cleaning lady and when I asked what was going on, he said 'it's none of your business' .

It certainly is the OP's business what's going on. Do you realise she's got a child to look after somehow? Do you understand what restraints him leaving puts upon her ability to do this? Do you get this??

Reading through you other posts on this thread, I have to say I wonder what kind of life you've led to be so unaware of consequences that actions have on others.

This could of been me in 2020 OP
my husband did this to me

my advice go quiet and get your self sorted,ready for when he splits or really starts pushing it.
mine did that
thought he was Mr Single.

within months he was gone and I was stable with my children
he even had the nerve to try and come back

ps he is also 7 years younger than me.
you’ll be ok.
he’s a cheek.

Please tell your friends and family asap. This is not your shame to carry. it’s all 100% his. You need support and he needs consequences. Also, if he’s taking drugs can’t that affect your job negatively? Maybe you need some mates to see who he IS hanging out with and what he’s spending his money on.

Good post by @anon1968

He is literally torturing you.

If you can, try to look indifferent, but for your own sanity he needs to go.

I had to laugh that violence was the first thing that popped into their brains.

I like the idea of having people over. Make it very uncomfortable to be there.
Throw a party!

Brilliant advice, what about the poor child in the middle feeling like its parents are avoiding him. They’ll be arguing over who doesn’t get custody of him next.

@dogmandu Perhaps the cleaning lady has better reading comprehension than you do? You got personally triggered by the very first sentence of my lengthy post and didn't bother accurately reading the rest. Instead, you lashed out.

A woman can leave her relationship for any reason whatsoever. So can a man.

@WineAndDontDine
This is my worst nightmare op.*
*
Really? I can't wait for it 😬

i get most of my breakup advice from tiktok and one person said that a meanie (i.e. your husband) will move on massively quickly with someone else. whereas you, the normal one, will not need anyone to move on with and the person that you are with to get over him is yourself.

the person on tiktok said it much better than that.

i'm further down the line than you (not being bilbo braggins, but just to say etc) and i've gone down the zero contact route but it's so hard in the early stages of a split and also another thing i got from tiktok was that so rarely would a woman say to another woman "i so much preferred you when you were with your husband". and i think ha! that is so true!!!!!!!!!!!!

whereas a lot of men would be better with their significant other.
and that's a massively generalisation but i love tiktok wisdom etc.

You're right I did lash out. I was incensed . I did read the rest of your post but that didn't change the fact that you were saying that his actions which were life changing for her and her son were none of her business. Any actions which are life changing for us, are our business. Too damned true they are.

Of course a man or woman can leave a marriage or relationship whenever they want to. Referring to your comment about me not comprehending your post, where in my post did I say that they could not leave a relationship?

OP, do the job know your situation? I'd make your line manager aware, just to keep them in loop. If they don't know what's happening they can't help.
If it comes to it, you could consider a flexible working pattern, or compressed hours. It matters not that you've only been in a year, the job has invested a lot in you, they won't want to lose you! And if you're still there after a year, you must be doing something right!

Hugs for you x

@dogmandu Once a partner has ended their relationship with you, it is no longer your business how they spend their time. If you need to communicate with them, about children, property, finances, divorce, wider family events, you request a time to do that. Respectfully.

Every single one of my posts has tried to divert OP from a self-destructive spiral of jealousy and anger, and instead get factual reality and solid ground under her feet, from which she can act to safeguard her and her child's futures.

@QS90 etc. If he does have a right to stay there-

he does.

( and doesn't have the decency to fuck off of his own accord), -

No, because not everyone in a relationship/marriage that has broken down, has plenty of places to stay and go/ or the money to find a new home immediately. Also, it is their home too after all. Op could temporarily move out if it is all a bit too much but, suspect, she has the same financial limitations /problems as the DH.

I'd make life absolutely UNBEARABLE for him until he moved out (maybe send your DS for a "holiday" with his grandparents whilst you're doing this). -

Yes, great idea! Very mature. I am sure this will result in a really great environment for the DS to live and lead to an amicable divorce and good relations regarding shared child care moving forward, genius. Also, taking DS out of school during term time to enable you to facilitate this nastiness and all so you can make your soon be ex Dh's life a misery is a fantastic idea! -

Making life unbearable for someone is one of the most toxic pieces of advice i have ever heard . To suggest sending a child away in order to do this is disgraceful and shame on you .

No way I'd co-habit or leave in the circumstances-

Well lets see how you react , your finances allow , if you ever find yourself in this position. I suspect are all mouth and no trousers as my Nan used used to say!

As it happens, I agree with much of what you say. But is there any need to be quite so vitriolic and personal about it?

@MarieIVanArkleStinks i am not being vitriolic. Just some of the advise on this thread has been totally ludicrous. From locking a man out of his own mortgaged home, to getting heavies in to remove him, to making his life a misery. For goodness sake a marriage has ended, it happens. Be adults. The poor DS caught in all this. Society and schools will now have pick this up.