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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave but worried about suicide

242 replies

CompletelyDoneIn · 18/11/2022 17:04

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 27/12/2022 09:03

CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 08:15

It's been a very long night. He hasn't killed himself but is now saying how he knows it's hard for me to but I know he's not well and he can't control it and how much he needs me to help him get through it. Every time I say how much it's affecting me or the kids it's going straight back to how hard it is for me.

He seems to say he understands how it affects everyone else but doesn't seem to see past his own bubble

He really doesn't know. He doesn't have insight into his own illness and wellbeing in order to impact assess against you and the kids.

Depression is a very selfish illness. He won't be able to see the damage until he is long past it. These are just words.

And if you believe he does see how it Is impacting you... then it is manipulation. Depression doesn't work like that, from suicide to insight in 12 hrs.

Stick to your plan. You have already improved the situation by leaving and proving he is NOT suicidal.

C1N1C · 27/12/2022 09:06

Could he have cheated on you? Most people seem to get paranoid that a partner could cheat after they have done it themselves...

Mincespi · 27/12/2022 09:11

OP I would get what you’ve posted here discussed with an agency somewhere like Women’s Aid.
He could be both someone with mental illness and be abusive, he sounds extremely controlling and once the usual measures stop working that’s when they become unpredictable and dangerous.
Everytime he threatens suicide, call police, if he’s serious it will be doing him a kindness, if he’s using it to manipulate it will show him it doesn’t work.
Please talk to women’s aid and get this stuff documented and support for yourself.
When abusers lose their usual tactics, they will move onto others, like trying to control you through the childrens contact when you know they’ll be unsafe. This is why it’s important to seek agency support to get this documented somewhere.
As for his mental health, all what you’ve helped him with and been subject to hasn’t worked in easing it, he needs to seek support and help from the relevant agencies with therapies and meds. You are not responsible for this.
💐

category12 · 27/12/2022 09:15

You're not a mental health professional, what he needs is to engage with proper medical and psychiatric support.

You're just an enabler when you're there, (sorry, op).

Stay away. Your children deserve to be out of this, and you do too.

Figgypudding123 · 27/12/2022 09:18

This isn't a relationship, it's a hostage situation. Quite literally. The thing is: it's not helping him either. He's depending for his stability on controlling something inherently uncontrollable, another human being. You breaking that toxic cycle may well be what he actually needs. But whether it is or not, his life isn't yours to save. Only your own is. You're drowning. You have to cut the rope.

I absolutely agree with this.

Triffid1 · 27/12/2022 09:25

CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 08:15

It's been a very long night. He hasn't killed himself but is now saying how he knows it's hard for me to but I know he's not well and he can't control it and how much he needs me to help him get through it. Every time I say how much it's affecting me or the kids it's going straight back to how hard it is for me.

He seems to say he understands how it affects everyone else but doesn't seem to see past his own bubble

He can't control it. OK, but the help he needs can't be from you. Let's not forget that you have tried to help but it doesn't change anything. He needs to seek actual help now.

Well done OP. You have been amazingly strong. It is hard, we all know that.

pennee · 27/12/2022 09:28

I think at this point I would be saying you've tried everything to help but it hasn't been enough. He needs proper professional help and this is beyond what you can offer. He's being mightily unfair putting it all on you and it's time he shouldered some responsibility for how he proceeds.

I'm so sorry your going through this 💐

jeaux90 · 27/12/2022 10:00

He need sectioning. Honestly, he really does.

LexMitior · 27/12/2022 10:33

You urgently need a third party to help you. Would your family support you?

I suspect your husband will change his tune in the presence of others. However, you need to think of yourself and the children. A responsible man and father seeks treatment but he does not do this. And now he knows that you want to leave.

Start making those calls now. That involves a solicitor, Womens Aid and the police if and when he threatens suicide.

That is because suicide threats are a strong indicator of violence. It is not a medical matter.

Ignore this narrative that your husband has for himself. It is not yours. Do these things today. I would also call his family - he may need support but you cannot do that right now.

Call your own family. You will need them or close friends.

LexMitior · 27/12/2022 10:37

I see that your sister has care of the children which is great. Well done.

VahineNuiWentHome · 27/12/2022 12:43

Triffid1 · 27/12/2022 09:25

He can't control it. OK, but the help he needs can't be from you. Let's not forget that you have tried to help but it doesn't change anything. He needs to seek actual help now.

Well done OP. You have been amazingly strong. It is hard, we all know that.

Show quote history

I agree there.

You’ve tried helping. It hasn’t worked. And that’s simply because close relatives are never the right people to support people with severe MH issues. They need someone who is removed from their own daily life. Someone neutral (and someone you can’t manipulate).

Now what you CAN do is reach out fur help fir yourself and your dcs.
Because the situation has been very hard on you.
And because you need support to be able to handle the weeks/months in front if you.
Thats your priority there @CompletelyDoneIn .

Moser85 · 27/12/2022 16:02

CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 08:15

It's been a very long night. He hasn't killed himself but is now saying how he knows it's hard for me to but I know he's not well and he can't control it and how much he needs me to help him get through it. Every time I say how much it's affecting me or the kids it's going straight back to how hard it is for me.

He seems to say he understands how it affects everyone else but doesn't seem to see past his own bubble

That way of thinking is the hallmark for men who do this, and it is NOT in line with how other suicidal people think.

Most suicidal people feel like a burden, that they are ruining their families lives, that their family would be better off without them etc. But for these men they feel entitled to put themselves and their own feelings above other people, they don't care about the impact on the other people, it is manipulation and control.

Have you called someone to do a welfare check?
I've been there with the long nights and they turned into long weeks, long months...It had a huge effect on my mental and physical health, and trust me once stress starts to affect your physical health it becomes a vicious cycle that is so difficult to break.

cestlavielife · 27/12/2022 16:32

Call police to do a welfare check if he texts he is suicidal
That is how far you can go
You cannot fix him
He needs mh support if genuine
Dont answer his calls

Keep texts

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 16:49

Thank you all the advice.

I've been out all day with the DC because if I stop still the anxiety kicks in.

I am so drained. I'd love to get the DC to bed early and have a glass of wine but I have a feeling he's going to wait until he knows their asleep and turn up knowing I won't wake them and drag them out in the cold.

He has said me leaving has made him realise how wrong he is and he wants us to be happy. No mention of how he's going to handle his MH though

OP posts:
IVbumble · 27/12/2022 16:55

You are doing exactly the right thing OP by distancing yourself & your DC so that you are all safe.

It would be really wise & helpful for you to check out the online freedom programme so that you have more info to work out your current situation.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Also consider reading 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.

Moser85 · 27/12/2022 17:06

CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 16:49

Thank you all the advice.

I've been out all day with the DC because if I stop still the anxiety kicks in.

I am so drained. I'd love to get the DC to bed early and have a glass of wine but I have a feeling he's going to wait until he knows their asleep and turn up knowing I won't wake them and drag them out in the cold.

He has said me leaving has made him realise how wrong he is and he wants us to be happy. No mention of how he's going to handle his MH though

Please get outside support to deal with him.

My ex showed up drunk trying to break in, threatening to kill me, shouting abuse up to the kids about me.

As for realising how wrong he is and saying he wants you to be happy. My ex told me all sorts of stuff like that, he literally told me that he spent so much time trying to find the right words that would make me change my mind. He will NOT have changed in a day or 2. If he genuinely meant it then his focus would be on what he wants to do NOW for his mental health and he would allow you to have space and time, but he doesn't, he wants to be back in the door because he KNOWS you won't try to leave again if he gets back in.

billy1966 · 27/12/2022 17:06

monsteramunch · 26/12/2022 23:01

Welfare check, every time.

If he's not planning to harm himself then it will make it clear you won't be manipulated using that tactic. It shows you won't be forced to deal with this directly, or have it used as a threat. It shows you mean it.

If he is planning to harm himself, it means his mental health can be evaluated by professionals so he can access the help needed to give him the best chance of not harming himself.

It's win win for all involved.

Absolutely this.

You have done the right thing getting your poor children away from him.

Their future needs to be your concern.

byebye2022 · 27/12/2022 17:07

The only person who can make those changes is him. He doesn't need you to help, he needs the help of a professional. You are his wife not his therapist.
Until he has better control of his mental health, you need to stay away.

ClementWeatherToday · 27/12/2022 17:16

OP, does he actually have any medically diagnosed mental health conditions related to the paranoia? Has a psychiatrist diagnosed him with paranoid personality disorder?

I ask because - and I'm going to be very, very blunt here - if he does actually suffer from PPD then you, as his intimate partner, are at extreme risk of extraordinarily serious harm. If he is medically paranoid and his paranoia centres on you and is escalating then you must stay far, far away from him. There is no treatment for paranoia (I note you mentioned that he had medication but that it wasn't working). Do not be alone with him, or with him and your children.

None of his behaviour that you describe sounds anything like the diagnostic criteria for depression, either. This would be characterised by anhedonia (a lack of enjoyment in anything, but you mentioned he goes out by himself regularly), insomnia, lack of appetite/loss of weight, persistent low mood (not only when it's convenient for him, because you are trying to go to work, for example), feelings of guilt, psychomotor retardation (slow movements), suicidal ideation (this does not mean threatening to kill yourself, it means wanting to not be here - it CANNOT include the word "if" as in "if you leave, I will kill myself"), fatigue, loss of concentration/poor attention/poor memory (so he would not be able to focus enough to, you know, read his wife's phone). You need a minimum of five of these symptoms to fit a diagnosis of depression.

His behaviour DOES fit the criteria for abuse - whether or not he is also mentally unwell. He is abusing you and it is escalating. Well done for leaving. Do not go back. I don't wish to freak you out, but the main thought I had while reading your posts was, "This is the sort of man who becomes a family annihilator."

I'd love to get the DC to bed early and have a glass of wine but I have a feeling he's going to wait until he knows their asleep and turn up knowing I won't wake them and drag them out in the cold.

Do that then. Ignore him if he turns up. Ask your sister to tell him to leave or she will ring the police. I don't understand what you mean about not dragging the children out in the cold? You don't have to let him in if he turns up.

He has said me leaving has made him realise how wrong he is and he wants us to be happy. No mention of how he's going to handle his MH though

How convenient for him. He is so, so unwell that you must do exactly as he says or he will kill himself and it will all be your fault. Except, you've left and he's not killed himself, has he? Now he can change! Give him a year to change and another to prove he can maintain it. Bet he doesn't.

Take care of yourself and tell people what has been going on. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

Always4Brenner · 27/12/2022 17:21

I’ll be honest I’m dreading getting a phone call about my now left husband. But OP I can understand your worry you’ve done all you can hang in there handhold. Hugs.

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 17:24

OP I'm pleased you found the strength to leave.

As pp's have already said, if he threatens suicide again then ring for a police welfare check and contact Adult social services asking to be referred to the emergency MH duty team.

Let the professionals engage with him and importantly get his behaviour officially recorded.

Do NOT go home, let him have access to the children or be near him yourself.

The most dangerous time is when you leave an abuser (and he is abusive). They feel they have nothing to lose and this is the perfect storm of circumstances where is absolutely is a risk to yourself and your children (however much you think that's not true).

Having MH issues is not a free pass to treat yourself and your children as he has done. Living in a house where your emotions and actions are wholly centred around what one person wants is not healthy.

He will of course say anything right now to win you back. Do not listen to anything he has to say.

Having MH issues doesn't make you a coercive, manipulative abuser. That's all on him and not about his MH.

I've posted before about a relative in my family who had everyone tiptoeing around them and meeting every whim. After a particularly nasty incident the family just agreed to stop enabling their behaviour. Long story but the short version is that there was an admission that they didn't want to address their MH because they enjoyed the behaviour/control they felt it provided an excuse for (and ultimately the behaviour wasn't a symptom of their MH diagnosis).

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 17:26

His behaviour DOES fit the criteria for abuse - whether or not he is also mentally unwell. He is abusing you and it is escalating. Well done for leaving. Do not go back. I don't wish to freak you out, but the main thought I had while reading your posts was, "This is the sort of man who becomes a family annihilator."

That was exactly where my mind went to also.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 17:26

ClementWeatherToday · 27/12/2022 17:16

OP, does he actually have any medically diagnosed mental health conditions related to the paranoia? Has a psychiatrist diagnosed him with paranoid personality disorder?

I ask because - and I'm going to be very, very blunt here - if he does actually suffer from PPD then you, as his intimate partner, are at extreme risk of extraordinarily serious harm. If he is medically paranoid and his paranoia centres on you and is escalating then you must stay far, far away from him. There is no treatment for paranoia (I note you mentioned that he had medication but that it wasn't working). Do not be alone with him, or with him and your children.

None of his behaviour that you describe sounds anything like the diagnostic criteria for depression, either. This would be characterised by anhedonia (a lack of enjoyment in anything, but you mentioned he goes out by himself regularly), insomnia, lack of appetite/loss of weight, persistent low mood (not only when it's convenient for him, because you are trying to go to work, for example), feelings of guilt, psychomotor retardation (slow movements), suicidal ideation (this does not mean threatening to kill yourself, it means wanting to not be here - it CANNOT include the word "if" as in "if you leave, I will kill myself"), fatigue, loss of concentration/poor attention/poor memory (so he would not be able to focus enough to, you know, read his wife's phone). You need a minimum of five of these symptoms to fit a diagnosis of depression.

His behaviour DOES fit the criteria for abuse - whether or not he is also mentally unwell. He is abusing you and it is escalating. Well done for leaving. Do not go back. I don't wish to freak you out, but the main thought I had while reading your posts was, "This is the sort of man who becomes a family annihilator."

I'd love to get the DC to bed early and have a glass of wine but I have a feeling he's going to wait until he knows their asleep and turn up knowing I won't wake them and drag them out in the cold.

Do that then. Ignore him if he turns up. Ask your sister to tell him to leave or she will ring the police. I don't understand what you mean about not dragging the children out in the cold? You don't have to let him in if he turns up.

He has said me leaving has made him realise how wrong he is and he wants us to be happy. No mention of how he's going to handle his MH though

How convenient for him. He is so, so unwell that you must do exactly as he says or he will kill himself and it will all be your fault. Except, you've left and he's not killed himself, has he? Now he can change! Give him a year to change and another to prove he can maintain it. Bet he doesn't.

Take care of yourself and tell people what has been going on. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and m He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and depression from the GP.

The thing is he does have symptoms of depression: constant low mood (which affects everyone), insomnia, reduced appetite, poor attention.

The stuff just seems to magifiy when I go to work, leave the house ect..

His blames his paranoia as caused by being depressed and the negative thoughts in his head

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 17:31

His blames his paranoia as caused by being depressed and the negative thoughts in his head

That's not a diagnosis it's simply his explanation/justification for his shitty behaviour.

His behaviour is extremely concerning and you need to stay away from him.

HamBone · 27/12/2022 17:55

Put your phone on silent and leave it to charge in another room. Then have a glass of wine and try to relax.

You need to accept that you can’t help him at this point, HE has to help himself. If he goes turn up, tell him that. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about him, you simply can’t help him with his MH, you’re not a trained professional.
Tell him that you need to focus on the children and he must focus on getting better.