I want to leave but worried about suicide

[CompletelyDoneIn]

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

What a horrible situation for you. No advice but hand holding here.

Could you contact the crisis team and ask for a check? Also has he ever considered checking himself into mental health ward? MIL was sectioned earlier this year and it's made a huge difference to her life and everyone else's.

@musingsinmidlife - don't blame op for leaving. It sounds like she's done all she can. She has to consider herself and Dc too

Op, you sound like a very strong woman at the end of your tether. You did the right thing. Your dc deserve to be happy, and so do you. Your life of walking on eggshells round dh sounds miserable.

Could you contact the police, ask them to do a welfare check?

Or contact Crisis and ask for advice?

Good luck to you. 💐

I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, whether or not it is true that he will commit suicide, you have done the right thing.

1. If its real, you have tried to help him but he has refused help you.have to step away yo protect the people you can - yourself and your dc.

1. If its a manipulative tactic, then leaving is the best thing you can do.

OMG - you need an exit plan and quickly. He's not "paranoid" - he's an abusive control freak who is wrecking your life and you need to get it back.
He won't commit suicide if you leave - but he knows it's the ultimate threat to keep you compliant.
This has nothing to do with his medication or unmet medical needs, as other posters has said, he is potentially dangerous - to you most of all, but also to your children.
He has duped you into believing that his threats of suicide are real, but actually, most men like him kill or attempt to kill their partner and children.
For the love of all you hold dear, get the fuck away from this man before he does something appalling.
Or, get him sectioned because of his suicide threats, and take the opportunity to evaluate your life and the life of your children.

Hand holding OP.

Just remember - those that really want to commit suicide will find a way. And there's a very large step from having suicidal thoughts and acting upon them. He has never actually tried yet.

This could be the awakening he needs to seek more support. He might shock himself to find he's still here in the morning.

You can't predict that. But you know the situation can't continue. If you fear a genuine risk for his safety then call the police.

But don't engage with him otherwise. He has to take responsibility for himself one way or another.

Welfare check, every time.

If he's not planning to harm himself then it will make it clear you won't be manipulated using that tactic. It shows you won't be forced to deal with this directly, or have it used as a threat. It shows you mean it.

If he is planning to harm himself, it means his mental health can be evaluated by professionals so he can access the help needed to give him the best chance of not harming himself.

It's win win for all involved.

Your partner is manipulative, coercive and abusive.

I have a mental illness myself but it's no excuse for this degenerative conduct.

I am sorry @musingsinmidlife but I have to disagree with you. You are right about risk factors and mental health in men. But it is not the OPs responsibility to talk to his team or anything of the sort. He snoops through her phone, makes life miserable for people around him, and excuses all his bad behaviour because of his MH. She is not responsible for any choices he makes up to and including killing himself. And yes, although some people who say these things do go on to kill themselves, many more will say them to keep control of the situation. OP, whenever he says these things, call 999 and tell them.

I doubt if it was a suicidal woman the advice would be Fck her, you owe her nothing. Get out and don't look back. She isn't your problem or responsibility. Ditch her and leave her to whatever she wants to do. Don't give her another thought, she is just a manipulative ashole and her mental health and wellbeing is not your problem. This is just her being a horrible human. Being the mother of your children and your spouse means nothing - let her die if that is what she wants to do. Why do you even care about her?

That is 90% of this thread and yes I disagree that since it is a man - this is how someone with a mental illness should be spoken about and treated.

I didn't say he was OPs responsibility, if you read my posts, I encouraged her to get help for herself and her kids. Despite the fact that posters on here don't give two figs if he offs himself, it can be very traumatic for children and even for OP if he does. So while most of you are saying, let him - just stop caring about him at all, don't give him another thought. My advice was to OP, not the to posters on the thread. I encouraged her to get her own support and she can take or leave that advice.

We all know about male mental health. There are countless campaigns telling men to talk, to seek help etc. and yet more women attempt suicide than men.

you have to look after yourself and your children - you are not responsible for his actions. Well done for getting out OP - it must be difficult to be bombarded with calls and texts but he’s just trying to regain control over you

Your husband sounds seriously mentally unwell BUT he has choices. He can ask to be sectioned. He can take himself to hospital. He can call the Samaritans, MIND etc.. Just as people with serious physical illnesses reach out for help and do some self care he could do this for himself.
As you say, your priority has to be your children, they don’t have any choice in this matter and they cannot be expected to cope living with their father , it’s just too damaging for them.
I hope you can stay with your sister for a while, that will be some support for you and other children to play with will help your kids. I hope everything works out for you.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are in an abusive relationship, and your husband is using coercive and controlling behaviours.
He refuses to get help for his own MH problems, and instead tries to control your behaviour to manage his anxiety. It doesn't work so it escalates into paranoia.

He has misdiagnosed his problem. You are not causing his anxiety or paranoia, so nothing you do can reassure him or fix him.

I am concerned for your safety as much as his. I think you should seek support from your local police domestic abuse team tomorrow, and from Women's Aid.

You don't really know anything about men's mental heath at all. Men die from suicide at more than 3 times the rate women do. Women attempt more often but far more of their attempts are parasuicidal - they attempt for attention or to get help or to manipulate or to express feelings - for reasons other than wanting to die. They want to be rescued and use less lethal means, have less intentionality, and are more likely to set up rescue scenarios.

Anyways, despite the best efforts of many on this thread, OP does still care about her husband and the father of her kids and does accept the reality of mental illness in men and that men are at risk of suicide. I truly hope she seeks out professional support for her and her daughters. Losing a parent or spouse to suicide can be very traumatic and Op is right to not minimize her husband's suicidal thoughts. Navigating this change in relationship status and living arrangements should be done with support.

I've been in a very similar situation to the OP. It was manipulation. Yes he was sensitive to rejection and co-dependent but that does not change that it's manipulation. "if you leave me I'll kill myself". That's a threat. And they're not the words of someone desperately trying to battle their demons and stay alive, they are the words of someone trying to control their partner and manipulate them.

Yes more men kill themselves but it doesn't mean they suffer more than women do. People actually talk about mens mental health FAR more than they talk about womens mental health.

OP - you need to talk to a professional. You are getting terrible advice on here. You need to talk to his team and your own supports and people who understand mental illness, suicide, as well as family support and can help you put a plan in place for moving forward - be that with better treatment for him or apart.

As someone who has been there, she should NOT talk to his team, her focus should be on herself and her kids. She needs all of her strength, she needs to detach to do so. My ex only stopped with all of the threats/attempts etc when I detached and stopped enabling it. And my God did I suffer in the meantime from taking on the stress of trying to keep him alive.

Men are often drunk or on other substances when they kill themselves.
I have known many women who have been suicidal, including myself, in my opinion women very rarely do it if they are mothers, no matter how intense the pain is because we wouldn't do that to the kids.
I rarely drink anyway but I was actually afraid to drink when I was suicidal in case it lowered my inhibitions and I killed myself and left my kids motherless....even though I wanted to be dead. I actively made sure I never put myself in that situation.

Also when men say their mental health is bad people bloody listen! When women say it often people don't care, they're expected to get on with it.

It's only when men threaten and threaten and threaten it that people tell women not to listen and that it's manipulation, as my friends told me "It's not that hard to kill yourself, No one would have as many failed attempts".

She cares, but as someone who has been there where I cared so much about keeping him alive, completely to my own detriment where it drastically affected my own mental health and physical health I know she needs to detach. I have complex PTSD as a result of that relationship. There was one day a month or so after the break up where I genuinely thought he was dead and I'd have to tell the kids their dad was dead, I understand what the OP is feeling, and the more I tried to help him and shouldered the responsibility for keeping him alive the worse it got. It did not get better until I stopped enabling it.

So he is manipulating you by threading to kill himself? No no no just walk out and let him threaten whatever he wants. Let it fall on death ears.

Hi OP
I agree with those saying every time he threatens suicide get someone to do a welfare check.
Luckily for me my ex didn't want the kids to see him a state so he never asked to take them. I wouldn't have let him anyway but it made it easier that he wasn't fighting me over it. Hopefully your husband will be the same.

I explained the situation to my kids school and said he wasn't allowed to collect them if he showed up. They agreed. I'm not in the UK and he wasn't a guardian as we weren't married so it was easy to enforce but there might be paperwork etc as you're in the UK and married.

Speak to womens aid as this will be an incredibly vulnerable time for you and the kids statistically. You have left him and in his mind now the paranoid thoughts will be going round and round getting bigger and bigger and he will probably think you have another man.

Hang in there. I know it's hell and the worry and sense of responsibility is all encompassing, but you did the right thing.

Speaking from personal experience, there is nothing you can do to prevent him or cause him to commit suicide. It is all on him. You cannot be his support here.

Well done for leaving, don't fall for the manipulation tactics that will now be used. Remember that you and your DV are the priority and he is a danger to them. Do you really want them to come home and find him dead?

I've been through a lot of this and have now come out the other side. My ex is a lot better, but I doubt he will ever be "whole" again because that would mean facing up to what he's done and it's easier for him to hide inside his illness. (He completely destroyed our lives and still doesn't want to face it.)

He's my husband, the father of my children. If he did do it then they would ask me why didn't I help him more, why didn't I support him. They could grow up blaming me and then I lose them.

@CompletelyDoneIn I’m the child of a Dad who threatened and attempted suicide more than once and I can honestly say that I never, ever blamed my Mum for any of it. Like you, she tried so hard to support him and get him help but ultimately it was his choice. He was sectioned a couple of times and since he’s been widowed, I’ve had to deal with him. I understand how impossible it can be to help someone like this-you can be supportive, but ultimately, they have to want to help themselves and you deserve to live your own life as well. My Dad would happily control my life if I let him, my happiness isn’t a consideration.

Tbh, I don’t really understand why my Mum stuck around and I almost wish she’d left him as it would have saved her so much pain. You’ve very brave to leave, OP, and it’s the best thing for your children right now.

I'm glad you and your DC are safe with your Sister now. I'd alert the police/ and or the MH crisis team if you feel it's needed but don't get sucked back in Op. You need some time to recharge yourself before anyone else. Keep talking to us please, we're here for you

It's been a very long night. He hasn't killed himself but is now saying how he knows it's hard for me to but I know he's not well and he can't control it and how much he needs me to help him get through it. Every time I say how much it's affecting me or the kids it's going straight back to how hard it is for me.

He seems to say he understands how it affects everyone else but doesn't seem to see past his own bubble

Words are easy Op, he needs to show you he's trying to get help, not just keep saying the same things. Suppose he never gets help if you're there, is that helping?

'he knows it's hard for me to but I know he's not well and he can't control it and how much he needs me to help him get through it.'

OP, you've been trying to help him get through it for months. It's not working. He is slowly destroying you. Imagine what your children's future will be if you go back to him. Their lives will be destroyed as well.

It's up to you, obviously, but the remember the adage 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results'. If he won't help himself, you can't help him.

Has he complied with your request to pack and leave? I'm guessing not

Take it one day at a time. Just say to yourself every morning 'I will not go back today'.