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Original poster

Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

175 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:39

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

OP posts:
Clymene · 17/11/2022 18:44

No, that's not okay. He should have told his ex that he couldn't help because he had plans.

Does he always put her first? Are you sure he's not still got a thing for her?

gottachangeforthisone · 17/11/2022 18:45

It depends if this is a regular occurrence on a Saturday night. ? Does this happen every Saturday night when it's not his 'time' . If so then he needs to grow a spine and say NO...

However if his ex rarely has a Saturday night (or at least less than 50% ) then he is not being unreasonable and absolutely share opportunities for socialising with his child's mother.

You however have choices. If this doesn't work for you, then move on. Someone who is committed enough to their child to see them every other day is always going to put their child's needs first.

NeverOneBiscuit · 17/11/2022 18:50

If it only happens occasionally, I think it’s just something that goes with the territory of dating somebody who has a child with another person.

I think he sounds like a great dad in terms of being a regular fixture in his child’s life. He’s prepared to compromise on his own social/personal life if it involves his child.

Having said this, he shouldn’t be the default “babysitter” for his ex, it’s disrespectful to both of you. But if it’s once every few months then I think his decision is reasonable.

toobusytothink · 17/11/2022 18:54

You’re not being unreasonable to be annoyed. Unless he never has his son on a Saturday night. If she gets EOW to herself then I would be very annoyed too.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:59

He normally has him on a Friday and she has him on a Saturday.
This week he'll be away on Friday (1st time in a year!!) and gave her a few months notice of this.
He only agreed to do Saturday night yesterday when her babysitter cancelled. He wasn't supposed to have him this week

OP posts:
Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 19:00

He's been away this week and so unable to his see DC and if he considers spending time with his DC rather than you a priority, that's his decision as a father to make.
By no means do you have to like or accept it but if you're dating a parent you have to be prepared that plans will get cancelled sometimes, even on the shortest notice. He only has his DC overnight once a week and he might actually appreciate the opportunity to have an extra night. You could easily have just rearranged to see him on the Friday or Sunday instead.
And I'm not sure what the exclamation marks after stating the DC's age are for? Does it make a difference if child was 2 or 12, he still needed looking after or are you suggesting he should have been left to fend for himself to accommodate your plans?

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 17/11/2022 19:00

This has happened twice in a year? Seems a bit of an overreaction to me unless there’s other reasons you feel he puts her first?

What are the mum’s plans? If it’s an appointment/course/wedding or something it’s nice of him to help out. If it’s a date/social event she could do anytime then I can see why you’re irritated but completely pissed off seems a bit much.

toobusytothink · 17/11/2022 19:04

Hmmm well if he usually has them Friday and her Saturday but she has had him on Friday instead then I think that does make a bit of difference as it’s more a swap than an extra. Routine is great but very occasionally flexibility has to be had.

NeverOneBiscuit · 17/11/2022 19:04

Just to add, to echo what a pp said, he won’t see it as babysitting, but as the opportunity to spend time with his child. It’s a wholly positive quality that he feels this way.

If it’s happened only twice in a year d’you think he’ll understand why you’re so annoyed?

MelchiorsMistress · 17/11/2022 19:07

He would rather spend time with his child than his girlfriend. Rightly so when he won’t have seen his child for a week. He’s a good dad. Being a good dad might make him a rubbish boyfriend, but he isn’t wrong to prioritise his child even if it is convenient for his ex. No doubt he will need her to return the favour at some point while his child is growing up.

Peteryougit · 17/11/2022 19:10

I would find it quite attractive in a man who put an opportunity to be with his child first.

Citycentre3 · 17/11/2022 19:11

Yet another woman that can't handle the concept of the child comes first. Find yourself another man with no kids for everyone's sakes.

Peteryougit · 17/11/2022 19:14

And he’s not a baby sitter, he’s a father. Honestly, I went out with a man once who had a 5 year old dd from a previous relationship. The way he bitched about having to reschedule thing to “babysit” if he ex was ill or had family commitments with her ill parent was one of the reasons I dumped him.

A child should always come first.

LadyKenya · 17/11/2022 19:15

How many times on here have people been complaining about dead beat dads? His daughter is his priority, as she should be.

Bollocks2that · 17/11/2022 19:16

Not what you want to hear but he sounds responsible and a good dad to his DC. I get what you mean, how that would grate etc. I can see that. BUT when a child is involved, they come first. All you can do is try put yourself in his shoes. His DC is his responsibility as well.

Zanatdy · 17/11/2022 19:18

I can see why he agreed when he’s not having his usual Friday night. Assume you’ve got 6 other nights per week to have dates so sure you can rearrange

actualnamechange · 17/11/2022 19:19

I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

He is actually choosing his child over you. Take the ex out of the equation. He had the opportunity to spend time with his child and took it. I can't say I would be unhappy with a partner who did this.

Strugglingtodomybest · 17/11/2022 19:19

I understand that you're annoyed about your plans changing, but I think it's great that he's putting seeing his child first. If I only had my kids for one overnight a week, I'd jump at the chance to have them for another night.

minidancer · 17/11/2022 19:21

He's not the right man for you. Find someone without kids. You should be happy he puts his child first and wants to see him. He didn't have him Friday night. He only has him one night a week, you have six other nights to see him.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/11/2022 19:22

Of course it’s acceptable.

hosyyy · 17/11/2022 19:23

I don't think I'd get so worked up about this. He's always going to chose DD before you and put her first.

ecnatsid · 17/11/2022 19:23

I think things like this are just part of being involved with someone with kids. The ex doesn't seem to do it often or to inconvenience you

hosyyy · 17/11/2022 19:23

Sorry. DS

bloodywhitecat · 17/11/2022 19:24

I would find it acceptable, he's her dad and he wants to be there for her. In his shoes I would cancel the date too.

GroundMud · 17/11/2022 19:24

You have a lot more options for seeing your bf then the child has for seeing their dad. It sounds like your not compatible in terms of expectations of him having a child.