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Original poster

Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

175 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:39

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 09:49

I think a lot of people are making this about the mum and her plans, but to the OP's boyfriend he's had an opportunity to see his child after missing his usual night and he's taken it. The ex is irrelevant.

balalake · 20/11/2022 09:51

A man who prioritises time with his child. Seems a rarity in a good way. Valid reason to me.

SavvySarah · 20/11/2022 09:51

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 09:49

I think a lot of people are making this about the mum and her plans, but to the OP's boyfriend he's had an opportunity to see his child after missing his usual night and he's taken it. The ex is irrelevant.

Agree. This isn't about helping out an ex, he probably has no faith that the ex would care for the child properly if he doesn't step in to help out.

RoachPussy · 20/11/2022 09:53

He’s putting his relationship with his child first. An opportunity to spend some more time has arisen and he’s deemed it more important than your date. He values time with him over time with you which is how it should be.

LiveIngSun · 20/11/2022 09:55

Personally I’d see it in his favour if it’s potentially long term. He’s a good dad and seems to have a reasonable relationship with his ex. People do prioritise children, and rightly so. Maybe he knows he has the child, or that she’ll still go out but with the child unsettled with others or by bitty arrangements. Maybe he just enjoys seeing them.

The red flag is when they see their child only when they ‘have’ to and the ex is apparently a witch.

MissMaple82 · 20/11/2022 09:56

So you expect to take priority over his son??

Figgyroller · 20/11/2022 09:56

I don't understand a lot of people's thinking on this. Surely if it was just about seeing the child (which is commendable, I agree) then he would have organised seeing the child on the Saturday night anyway (when he couldn't do the Friday). He didn't. It was only when the ex asked him to do so when her night out was threatened that he then decided to so. It is not about the relationship with the child - it is about being at the beck and call of the ex.

shiningstar2 · 20/11/2022 09:57

@roarfeckingroarr ... Ah ..I get it then. I must have missed that bit. I'm with dd's dad so never had to do this when she was young and he would undoubtedly have wanted to see her in those circumstances and would hope his partner would understand.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 09:57

@SavvySarah I don't think it's anything to do with him worrying the child wouldn't be cared for. He just wants to spend the time with his child, regardless of why that opportunity has become available

Redkettle · 20/11/2022 09:59

Peteryougit · 17/11/2022 19:10

I would find it quite attractive in a man who put an opportunity to be with his child first.

Me too

HungryCaterpillar87 · 20/11/2022 10:00

she 'babysat' for him on his usual Friday night so he could complete his plans. So he is taking his fair turn doing the Saturday. And getting his fair turn to spend he day with his child. All seems reasonable to me!

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 10:06

@shiningstar2 my children's father and I split up last year for a bit and to be honest we'll part as friends next year. It sounds dramatic but it's not, we're best friends who should probably have only ever been friends. Anyway.. I told him about this thread and he said "damn right, kids are everything. I would always rather spend time with (DS name)". He's a good man.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:07

As @Figgyroller said, the plan changing was not about him seeing his child.
Had he said, when I come home, I'll be having my DC overnight, I 100% would be fine with that.
He only has him to facilitate ex having her night out. He then suggested he and I hang out today as we wouldn't be seeing each on Sat night as planned.
Hanging out with his DC today and not cancelling our date just because exs babysitter flaked would have meant better quality time with DC and not breaking arrangements we had.
And ex also has much older dc (different dad) who is regularly there so she gets to go out frequently

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:07

Had him not has!!

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 10:09

@AreWeThereYet69 it's not about the ex. He has the opportunity to see his child and he's taking it. It's a good thing! Go out with your friends instead and consider yourself lucky that you're dating a responsibly, considerate adult.

peachgreen · 20/11/2022 10:11

YABU. He only has the child one night a week (which is a bit pathetic imo), you get all the others! His kid comes first, as they should. If you don’t like that, don’t date someone with kids.

MILLYmo0se · 20/11/2022 10:14

I dont really understand the way you are looking at this OP. Your BF is the one that changed the standing arrangement isnt he? He normally has the child Friday night but cant this week and his ex has accomodated his inability to take his son. Tbh he should have made arrangements to swop his Fri for the Saturday to begin with imo, but if the ex is accomodating the change to arrangements that dad has created why on earth wouldnt he accomodate her request? It doesnt seem like she has a history of suddenly requiring dad to unexpectedly take the child and she does have the child on 'dads' night this week

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:17

@MILLYmo0se totally get your point. And again, yes if he said we swapped nights so I'm having DC Sat night as I was away Fri there would be absolutely no issue at all.
But what happened was DC was staying at home with babysitter until she cancelled.
Totally different context.

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:22

@peachgreen he sees his DC 4/5 times a week. Its not necessarily better for kids to overnight with other parevt during the school week when they live beside their school. It's also pressure on kids to remember to brings books/sports gear from house to house IMO

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:23

And @peachgreen my dc are with me 5/6 nights a week so we only ever have the opportunity to spend 1 night a week together

OP posts:
MissEnolaHolmes · 20/11/2022 10:24

MelchiorsMistress · 17/11/2022 19:07

He would rather spend time with his child than his girlfriend. Rightly so when he won’t have seen his child for a week. He’s a good dad. Being a good dad might make him a rubbish boyfriend, but he isn’t wrong to prioritise his child even if it is convenient for his ex. No doubt he will need her to return the favour at some point while his child is growing up.

This

Alice786 · 20/11/2022 10:26

You are fighting a losing battle. It will always be like this. His kids will always come first even if it's to accommodate the ex he won't be able to say no to having them even if you have plans. I don't think he will change you have to decide if you can live with it....

MILLYmo0se · 20/11/2022 10:28

Fair enough, I dont see why you think its fair for the ex to take the child on dads night to help him out but outrageous that dad should take him on mums night to help her out. Its not like the woman expected him to have his son just so she could go out to begin with, she had arranged a childminder and that got cancelled at short notice. I understand that this means your BF is now cancelling on you but leaving aside his responsibilities as a father, whats best for the child, maintaining a good co-parenting relationship, it wont be really ignorant having changed the standing arrangement for her Friday to now go 'oh no i dont want to change my Saturday arrangements'. If HE hadnt changed the plan to begin with their would possibly have been no issue, she d go out Fri and he d go out with you Sat. HE left her with no 'night off' (ie where she could go out and not need a babysitter). If whatever her plan is had to happen on the Sat im really surprised she didnt ask him to swop, save her the price if a babysitter, tbh she sounds like a v decent ex that makes co parenting easy

Coconut212 · 20/11/2022 10:30

when he became a father he signed up for 365 days a year, when they separated yes that changes things but you don’t come first, your relationship doesn’t come first his child does. Co parenting is about coming and going with each other hence why she’s covering next week. Children come first!!!!

speakout · 20/11/2022 10:32

He sounds a good dad.