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Original poster

Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

175 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:39

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:36

@speakout yep he absolutely is. Which is definitely an attractive trait.
And trying to keep things sweet with the often v difficult ex is part of that.
So I should just expect to have any arrangement we make cancelled when ex requests??

OP posts:
Zrt · 20/11/2022 10:41

Yes it is a valid reason to cancel a date.

Besttobe8001 · 20/11/2022 10:44

This is why I don't date men with children.

Either they take every chance to see their kids and prioritise their health and happiness over mine (as it should be) which I can't be arsed with.

Or they don't, in which case I don't respect them at all.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 10:46

Is she actually difficult? If this has happened once or twice in a year she doesn't sound particularly difficult.

soulinablackberrypie · 20/11/2022 10:49

I've never been, or been out with, a single parent so I don't really know what it's like. But my first thought was that he is not the bad guy here. His ex is not willing to put her little boy first, so he has had to step up. It's up to you whether you continue to see him, but if you don't, please don't make it all about him not putting you first. You can manage on your own for one night. A child can't.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:51

Oh yeah @roarfeckingroarr she definitely is. She makes some really crazy demands (which he goes along with) but not my monkey, not my circus so I don't get involved.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 20/11/2022 10:52

This happened to me (had to cancel date as no childcare) and my bf was totally fine with it. It's one of the reasons we are still together now, many years on (very easy-going and understanding of the fact I was a single mum). Dating someone with children does mean compromise and last minute changes of plan unfortunately, and 12 year olds can't be left at home alone for long periods of time.

Rightsraptor · 20/11/2022 10:53

This is what happens when your partner has a child with someone else.

Deal with it.

MILLYmo0se · 20/11/2022 10:53

AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:36

@speakout yep he absolutely is. Which is definitely an attractive trait.
And trying to keep things sweet with the often v difficult ex is part of that.
So I should just expect to have any arrangement we make cancelled when ex requests??

Does your BF expect his ex to cancel her plans everytime he cant take DS on 'his' night? They both seem to ask for this flexibilty on approx the same frequency so.....
If he tells her no when she asks to change the set arrangement shouldnt he expect a no when he asks? The only difference is her saying no to his changing Friday wouldnt affect you just your BF.

Mummyof3dc · 20/11/2022 11:00

I think you are being completely unreasonable.
I don’t think this is about placating his ex at all, it’s about the opportunity to spend time with his son. Children will and should always come first. So what if you can’t have a date night… have one another time! You should be glad that he wants to spend time with his son!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 20/11/2022 11:07

He’s prioritised his dc. Good on him. It’s nice to see a dad that actually wants to see their child and spend time with them. If you can’t handle that, maybe you need to reconsider you relationship as it’s not what you want.

Happyher · 20/11/2022 11:07

He puts his child first which is good. He seems to have respect for ex partner, also good. He wants to be with his child as much as possible, also good. Seems like a decent man to me. I think this is something you will have to get used to if you want a relationship with this man.

thelobsterquadrille · 20/11/2022 11:09

AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 10:36

@speakout yep he absolutely is. Which is definitely an attractive trait.
And trying to keep things sweet with the often v difficult ex is part of that.
So I should just expect to have any arrangement we make cancelled when ex requests??

Well, I don't think cancelling on you twice in a year is really that extreme. But it clearly bothers you, so you need to decide whether you can tolerate it or not.

But based on your other thread about how he treated you when you were sick with COVID, you already know what he's like and have chosen to stay with him anyway, so, in the kindest way, what did you expect?

Gemmanorthdevon · 20/11/2022 11:10

When you have children you make an unspoken agreement to put them before anyone and anything.

Thats what he is doing. Get over it.

If you want to be top of a person's list you have to pick one without children. It doesn't sound like this happens every weekend, you must expect this to happen on occasion.

On a positive note, you now he is a good father.

AutumnCrow · 20/11/2022 11:24

I do get what you're saying, @AreWeThereYet69. The way that things played out, and the way it was presented to you by your boyfriend, made it sound like his priority was pleasing his Ex.

I don't think it was, though. I think he over-explained the babysitter cancellation part, rather than focusing on saying, 'tbh honest my love, I'd really like the chance to see DS and catch up with him. Can we please re-arrange our time together?'

I think he was clumsy and has left you feeling that there is something amiss. Only you know, deep down, if the potential of this relationship outweighs the disadvantages you have now identified and experienced.

Ihatecocomelon · 20/11/2022 11:25

That's the problem with used goods op

IsItThough · 20/11/2022 11:27

These will be the terms of your relationship

I don't think he is taking the piss out of you, I think basically he's seeing that his 12 year old will probably get left home alone if he doesn't look after them. That is what it is like when you are a co-parent with someone who is perhaps unreasonable. This won't change.

LIZS · 20/11/2022 11:29

Perfectly valid but shows that his dc will always take priority. If that is something you find difficult to deal with as a one-off over a date, it will only become more so.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 11:35

Absolutely agree @AutumnCrow Had he framed it like that there'd be zero issue.
I don't see having kids before you met as 'used goods' @Ihatecocomelon
Sure I am too ..And delighted to be so 😆

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 11:46

Fair enough @AreWeThereYet69 . Also not my circus not my monkey is up there with my favourite phrases. It's perfectly descriptive so often. FWIW, it seems like you get it, you're just annoyed at a cancelled evening with your boyfriend, which you're entitled to be. No one is in the wrong here and Mumsnet should be somewhere you can have a rant so it doesn't come out in real life at real people.

Applesonthelawn · 20/11/2022 12:49

Absolutely valid reason. It speaks well of him that he will always put his children before his own private life.

Stressedmum2017 · 20/11/2022 16:58

Kind of concerning /strange that you yourself have kids but don't seem to get this. It's not facilitating his exs social life, he is taking the opportunity to spend time with his child over seeing his girlfriend. That is actually a good thing.
Fwiw, I would only allow my 12 year old to be home alone for an hour at a push.

Bluebellsparklypant · 20/11/2022 17:13

I would say putting his child 1st is a good thing and I would expect him to do this, this is something to take on board when going into a relationship with anyone that has children.

altmember · 20/11/2022 17:38

As is often said on MN: "Kids should always come first". So on that basis his actions are correct and your attitude isn't. If you don't like a having to share a partner with his kids, find yourself another partner who doesn't have children.

I don't buy that, I think everyone needs a bit of 'me time', and I don't think kids should always come first in every situation/circumstance. Once kids start to think that's the norm, then they own you, and they won't ever let you have a life of your own, or at best will just resent every new partner you ever meet.

However this particular situation sounds like he's putting his ex first, not his child. Is it one of those relationships where he always panders to his ex, at the expense of everything/everyone else? Is it a situation where his ex always regularly this stunt when she knows he's got a date night arranged? Because that would suggest that at least one of them isn't properly over things, and the controlling behaviour will continue until something gives.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 20/11/2022 17:47

@Stressedmum2017 He could have spent all day Sunday with his DC. But he was actually suggesting we spend Sunday together rather than Sat night to facilitate ex having a night out.
Did you read the whole thread?
Yep @altmember he does pander to ex. They have a very unequal dynamic but I am not involved in that in anyway

OP posts:
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