Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

[AreWeThereYet69]

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

Do you think a 12yo is OK to be left alone whilst his mother goes out?! 12 is actually a really, really awkward age - too young to be left alone for more than an hour or so, especially at night, but too old for a babysitter really, so, tbh, your bf's son probably wanted to spe

Do you think a 12yo is OK to be left alone whilst his mother goes out?! 12 is actually a really, really awkward age - too young to be left alone for more than an hour or so, especially at night, but too old for a babysitter really, so, tbh, your bf's son probably wanted to spend time with his dad instead. This post reeks of Evil Stepmother vibes. If you can't cope with having a bf who needs to parent, including when it's not his time to parent, then maybe you need to rethink the relationship.

@Faith77 No I wouldn't leave a 12 year old home alone for an evening. At no point did I indicate that was an option.
What I wouldn't do is cancel my date so my ex could have a night out

Well you did say you were pissed off in your op so dont be backtracking saying you're not angry about it.
Yes it sucks but he is being a good father to his child. If I were him I'd be thinking whether I'd want to be with someone who kicks up a fuss about something like this when he's not doing anything wrong strictly speaking.

OP, you sound jealous of the ex. Maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

You're a parent too???!!! So you should understand then. No where have you mentioned in your op that she has planned a night on the town. And so what if she had, it might be well deserved break or a milestone occasion. You sound hardwork and very entitled.

It's only happened twice according to you!!! It's not every date is it?!

You are acting like a child throwing a tantrum.
You made the decision to date a man with a child. Good relationships with child's mothers is a must (as much as possibly able) and I don't think having plans cancelled a few times a year warrants all this moaning.

Grow the hell up or break up with him. You do seem to be insecure about his ex and his so called 'priorities' and frankly I think (like many others have already stated), that he has made the right choice.

You'd have thought op would be understanding as she's a parent too. I feel sorry for the 12 tear old.

So what was the relevance of mentioning that he is 12? Tbh, you are being vv unreasonable. I would be more concerned about a man who refused to parent his child, especially in the same week when he has had to cancel visits. But, heck, my ex hasn't done a single night of parenting in almost 5 years, so I would probably die of shock if he chose his child over a woman. I would love to find a guy who was a fantastic dad & decent man towards his ex, even if it meant the odd cancelled date. If you're not going to appreciate that he is a decent human being, I am sure someone else would.

Yes YABU. People with children cancel
plans at the last minute quite often (myself included). Your partner wants to remain on good terms with his ex, so changing his plans to have his child at the last minute is just something any parent would do. You went into the relationship knowing he had a child, and he will always prioritise his child, just like any other parent would. Also the way you said he is 12, with all the exclamation marks makes it sound like you think he should be looking after himself.

I would ask him what would he do if he arranged a baby sitter for the evening he has his son so he could go out for the evening and the sitter cancelled? Would he contact his ex to see if she could have him or would be cancel his plans for the evening? Tbh, he sounds like he wouldn't even make plans whilst he has his son over. But if might give him something to think about when it happens again.

I think the OP’s pissed offness is more about how he framed it when he told her, centring the Ex and her being let down by the babysitter and how is rescuing her with this favour.

It’s in one of her later posts.

It was mentioned in the OP that ex had a night out planned, hence the babysitter. Frankly it's the ex's problem - she arranged a night out and a babysitter for an evening when their child was in her care. It was her babysitter who cancelled, so it should be her who cancels her night out. Of course she's entitled to ask the other parent if they'd help out in that situation. And if he can then great. But he's perfectly entitled to decline: "sorry but I can't, as I also have plans". I can see why the OP is pissed because her partner is more interested in coming to his ex wife's aid than having a date with his current partner.

Ultimately you sound bitter and jealous and it’s really not attractive. You are being totally unreasonable and sound like your behaving like a child!

THIS!!!!

I think you’re being unreasonable to be honest, if you say he can’t have him on Friday (which is his normal day to have him). If it were my child, I’d always put them first and want to spend as much time with them as possible. It’s irritating if your plans change but you can remake them for another day - it’s not about the ex, it’s about the child.

Totally agree. No idea why people are jumping on the OP. If my babysitter cancels it is my issue to rearrange not my exes to dump his plans to facilitate my night out and vice versa.

But the ex is doing him the favour first, by stepping in to have the child on the Friday, when he should be with dad. She can normally go out at the weekend without needing a babysitter at all because her son is with his father on Friday. Dad asked her to do Friday, didnt offer to swop nights, she didnt even ask him to swop to facilitate her plans she booked a babysitter, only asking dad for help when that fell through.

Oooooft. He is choosing his child- not his ex and 100% rightly so!!

You need to do 3 things:

Firstly, recognise that this is about spending child who by all accounts he sees one night a week and would not have seen at all this week unless this situation with the ex arose.

Secondly, realise (and I mean this in the nicest way) you will always and should always come second in this scenario.....and respect him for that.

Thirdly, decide if you can deal with this cos if not - you shouldn't waste any more of his time. As brutal as it sounds, this is a huge deal for him.

Just to reiterate, he has done nothing wrong, but unfortunately you do need to seriously think about what you want going forward? I know its hard and it probably sounds harsh, but you are better deciding sooner rather than later.

@Cherry85 He sees his DC 3/4 afternoons a week. And my issue was that it was only when his ex's childcare fell through that he changed his plans. If he had said, when I get back from the couple of days away, I want to see DC there'd be no issue and no thread.
Obvs I'm more aware of the backstory/dynamic between them and this was more about the ex than the DC... believe me!
But yes I absolutely agree this is the way it is and if it doesn't work for me, then I need to bow out.
I'm not jealous, bitter, angry, a child throwing a tantrum etc etc etc (just a few of the things I've been called on this thread) but still glad I've posted as that's what I'm trying to decide on.

I don't think you sound jealous or bitter..... its a sh*tty situation for you and I get its awkward to repeatedly cancel things.

But yeah I guess you have to decide if its worth it. At 12 yrs old these situations should get less as they go on.... but as a parent whether full time, part time or step you'll need to get used to things being cancelled unfortunately

It depends on how often do you see each other..if it happens regularly I would wonder if the issue is his ex or whether its himself using her for excuses

I’d 100% cancel a date if I got the opportunity to have my child an extra night! I vote unreasonable on this

The bf sounds lovely and his DS isn't the problem. You need to ask yourself if you can be in a relationship with someone who has a flaky ex?

Ffs he’s doing what any decent father would do he’s spending time with his child; stop being such an immature idiot or you’ll push him away nothing is as unattractive as a bitter jealous partner!!