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Original poster

Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

175 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:39

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

OP posts:
Dontaskdontget · 17/11/2022 19:26

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 19:00

He's been away this week and so unable to his see DC and if he considers spending time with his DC rather than you a priority, that's his decision as a father to make.
By no means do you have to like or accept it but if you're dating a parent you have to be prepared that plans will get cancelled sometimes, even on the shortest notice. He only has his DC overnight once a week and he might actually appreciate the opportunity to have an extra night. You could easily have just rearranged to see him on the Friday or Sunday instead.
And I'm not sure what the exclamation marks after stating the DC's age are for? Does it make a difference if child was 2 or 12, he still needed looking after or are you suggesting he should have been left to fend for himself to accommodate your plans?

This

lovelyclouds · 17/11/2022 19:28

I agree with pp that I can understand you are disappointed that the night out is cancelled, but I think he sounds like a man with the right values based on the fact he hadn't seen his child this week, and his ex's babysitter cancelled. If it was happening often that would be different. But a persons child should be the priority. It's lovely that he is a dad who wants his child. Only you can decide if that scenario is not what you want in a relationship.

PorridgewithQuark · 17/11/2022 19:29

Looking after your own child isn't babysitting. I'm sure few people would say that a mother had agreed to babysit her child because her ex didn't have a babysitter.

You say he sees his child every other day. That's good. If a man is a father he's only a real man worth dating if he's a good father not a deadbeat who thinks (his) children are primarily women's responsibility.

It depends whether you think he's changed plans for his ex (i.e. to help her first and foremost because he's still hung up on her = bad obviously) or whether you think he's changed plans for his child (i.e. his child is his top priority= extremely good).

Dontaskdontget · 17/11/2022 19:32

I think you’re underestimating how much your boyfriend wants to see his son.

Your boyfriend loves his son more than he loves you and that’s absolutely how things should be. I love my son way more than DH 😬 You’re making it about his ex but it isn’t really. Don’t date a parent unless you can accept that you come second.

He sounds like a fantastic dad so if you want children one day that’s something to bear in mind.

Dramaalpacas · 17/11/2022 19:33

Only one overnight a week? Of course he should be desperate to get an opportunity to spend more time with his child

amylou8 · 17/11/2022 19:37

Of course he should drop everything in an emergency or of his child needed him, but not so his ex can have a night out. This isn't about the child, he's putting his ex before you and I'd be really pissed off too.

Peteryougit · 17/11/2022 19:38

Dontaskdontget · 17/11/2022 19:32

I think you’re underestimating how much your boyfriend wants to see his son.

Your boyfriend loves his son more than he loves you and that’s absolutely how things should be. I love my son way more than DH 😬 You’re making it about his ex but it isn’t really. Don’t date a parent unless you can accept that you come second.

He sounds like a fantastic dad so if you want children one day that’s something to bear in mind.

Exactly this.

When my ex was such a shit about his child, red flags went up for me. That’s how he would treat me and our child if we had one and split up.

If you date a man with children, you should want him to always put them first and to take every opportunity to be with them. And to be on hand to help out their mother. It’s the sign of a decent person.

GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 19:39

Your boyfriend is choosing to spend the night where he was to be. Had he wanted to refuse he would have said no.

He has his priorities straight, but it seems that don't share them. Don't make him choose, nobody wins then. Dating a parenting takes perspective, patience and a great deal of maturity to get right. It's not for everyone.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/11/2022 19:39

Twice in a year is really minimal. It's frustrating that plans change but it's good he wants to see his kid. It's not mum's fault that the babysitter couldn't make it. It doesn't sound like she's being unreasonable. I think you just have to accept that being a good dad sometimes gets in the way of relationships.

GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 19:40

*Wants

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 17/11/2022 19:40

12 year olds still need a present parent! It's annoying for you but should be no more than that really; he's being a good dad, if you stamp your feet about that he'd be well justified in dumping you tbh.

Bamboozle · 17/11/2022 19:40

Sounds like they have a really healthy co-parenting relationship, which is surely what you’d want for your DP and potential future DSC.

trollopolis · 17/11/2022 19:42

So you've been together a year and this has happened twice.

It all sounds pretty much par for the course.

ichundich · 17/11/2022 19:44

I think it speaks in his favour that he puts his son first.

3487642l · 17/11/2022 19:44

Your feelings are your own and you are entitled to have them but they might reflect that dating someone with a child isn't for you. A parent's children should always come first, ahead of any current girlfriend or boyfriend or future spouse. If the relationship continues you will need to adjust your expectations because having a child means your boyfriend will need to change or cancel plans from time to time, sometimes at the last minute when it feels really inconvenient. It's a fact about having a child and you may need to ask yourself if that is going to work for you.

WorrieaboutFIL · 17/11/2022 19:50

Could you not all hang out? You sound like you're overreacting

autumnleavesontheground · 17/11/2022 19:52

I think you’re unfair. I think he sounds like great father who puts his child first.

BrewandBiscuit · 17/11/2022 19:53

Kids first, always.
I wouldn’t know honk twice about cancelling a date with the man I’m dating, or being cancelled on because of kids.

we have just booked a weekend away. The first since March. We have t shared a bed since then. Our 3 kids first, then is somewhere down the bottom 😂😂

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 19:54

Ok, good to hear different perspectives. For those of you attacking me over the use of the word "babysitter". that was actually referring to a babysitter not my DP!!! I said "looking after" for what he would be doing 🙄

I also have DC (one of similar age who would be delighted to spend an afternoon with friends and not always need to be with a parent, hence the !! in my second post @Dontbelieveawordofit )

And I woundn't cancel a prearranged date to facilitate my ex having a night out. I think it's disrespectful. Nothng about "coming first". Both of us know our DC come first...;
Also I would think it would be better quality time to spend all day with his dc on
Sunday rather than on Sat night when he'll be in bed for a fair portion of it!

And far enough if this is what they had planned before he went away but it isn't. It is only happening as his ex's babysitter cancelled.

And this would be are only chance to have an overnight together for 3 weeks! As he's away now, I have my kids 5/6 nights a week and I have already flagged that I can't do next Saturday....

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 17/11/2022 20:00

Citycentre3 · 17/11/2022 19:11

Yet another woman that can't handle the concept of the child comes first. Find yourself another man with no kids for everyone's sakes.

This. A child will always come first. You need to find a fresh,shiny boyfriend with no baggage. A boyfriend who is already a father is not for you

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 20:00

Well it just goes to show how massively different your parenting styles are, hence these issues will always come up in the future and will always cause you to be jealous and resentful. You can't tell him when you think it would be a better time for him spend with his DC. It makes you come across completely self-entitled and controlling.
Going 3 weeks without spending the night is not going to kill you. Invest in a dildo to tide you over

EveryoneToHisOwnGout · 17/11/2022 20:06

@AreWeThereYet69 Sorry, but you are very wrong here. It doesn't matter that you would choose to spend time with your boyfriend rather than with your child; he is (rightly) putting his child first. You would be better off finding an unencumbered boyfriend or, even better, being single and concentrating on your own child.

CanYouFeelMyHeart · 17/11/2022 20:08

Kindly, it doesn't matter what you think or what you'd do. This is what he has chosen, and maybe if flags a gap between your attitudes that will always cause difficulties between you.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 17/11/2022 20:10

You say 3 weeks without an overnight for you but had he not accepted the Saturday night it would have been 2 weeks without an overnight with his child? (As he missed the Friday). Would you be happy not having your child overnight for 2 weeks for a date that could be rearranged? You said you have yours 5/6 nights so not all the time and you could also find a babysitter as his ex did. She does every Saturday night and tried to arrange alternative child care before asking your DP.

You sound really unreasonable, sorry. I've dealt with entitled, difficult exes and she doesn't sound like one of them. It's also a shame there is no flexibility with your own ex.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 20:16

@EveryoneToHisOwnGout I love spending time with my DCs.... I spend 5/6 nights a week with them. And 1 day every weekend. Spending 1 night a week with my boyfriend doesn't impact negatively on them at all. I also have time to socialise and have pastimes. I think having a full life actually helps to make me the great parent I am.
And thanks @Dontbelieveawordofit I have a few already But you're kinda missing the point... this is about someone changing plans at short notice and it's not about him prioritizing his kid it's about him prioritising his ex's social life over plans we had already made.

OP posts: