Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

175 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:39

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

OP posts:
Thurst · 20/11/2022 08:25

At first I was thinking YWBU. The ex does the vast majority of the child care the least he can do is pick up the slack occasionally. But reading your updates about how it’s all about ‘poor her’ and her night out prioritising yours I think YANBU and you’ll be stuck with this dynamic in the future.

Lulusays · 20/11/2022 08:38

I think we need more context. ie :
Does she do it often:regularly? Is it a power play? Is she often unreliable? Does she fall back on him regularly and he just agrees because he loves his child (ie is she being manipulative via the child?), are you two on good terms or is this a way of showing she has control over him and she comes first? Etc etc…

On one hand I have plenty of mates/family members who are single parents and I can’t imagine any of them doing this. If they book a babysitter and the babysitter cancels then unfortunately they have to cancel their own plans. I think it’s always fine to ask the other parent just incase they happen to be free, but with zero expectation they will say yes, especially if they already have plans on a Saturday night.
This event isn’t for the child- so it’s not like she’s sick and can’t take the kid trampolining and is asking the other parent to take the child for the sake of the child…this is something for her, and really, the ex doesn’t particularly owe her that if they aren’t together, he’s just being nice (and obviously gets the bonus of extra time spent with his child.)

This is the same with any childcare day or night. I don’t thing you can reasonably expect the other parent to drop all their plans because your childcare on your designated day fell through. Would she accommodate it the other way around I wonder?

On the other hand, I could absolutely understand it/find it acceptable if it’s a rare occurrence and she’s got fixed/long planned/rarely gets a night out because she’s a single mum (main care giver)/ really looking forward to it plans and been utterly left in the shit, as that kind of changes it a bit and it’s a nice thing for him to continue to support her (keep an open and friendly relationship) with her for the sake of their child.

I also think that you have to contextualise it around how you feel as that new person in the dynamic. It is very very hard to be the extra person coming into that situation. I know that my mate has really struggled coming second (which is how it should be of course!!) to her partner’s child, she really resented the child and felt jealous (which is a totally valid emotion but just really hard to rationalise to yourself as an adult…to feel envious of a child!) But there’s no escaping that it’s a strange/hard thing really to have to share your significant other with another person, even if you went into that relationship eyes open knowing the situation. Ultimately you’re never going to come first, and he has unconditional love for that child, and that’s something that can be challenging to make peace with. Perhaps you also need to do some work on yourself and the relationship with the ex and the child to try and make peace with it.

Shadylady52 · 20/11/2022 09:03

Go out with your friends. Enjoy yourself. He probably won't like that but tough. Why should you have to sit at home miserable 😕

Benjispruce4 · 20/11/2022 09:13

I’d expect him to prioritise his child.

Readaboutyourself · 20/11/2022 09:16

Maybe just maybe he actually wants to see him child. Poor guy.

Twiglets1 · 20/11/2022 09:19

I think YABU - you should be glad that he is a good dad and supportive even to his ex partner.
He sounds like he has morals which you are criticising him because it causes you some minor inconvenience

Anonanon1234 · 20/11/2022 09:21

You said your BF normally has his child on Friday nights...which he hasn't this week, as he's away. So of course he should have the child on the Saturday night instead...or doesn't the Mum deserve a break??

He's probably looked at his schedule, realised he can't have his child overnight for a while and decided the Saturday is a good opportunity. Maybe he's bending the truth and had already verbally agreed to the Saturday ages ago, then forgotten and is trying to 'blame' the exes babysitter rather than admit he cocked up and forgot?!

Either way, I think it's pretty admirable he's a good hands-on coparent. But I do understand you are feeling disappointed because you were looking forward to a night with him.

Lalliella · 20/11/2022 09:24

He’s a good dad. His child comes first and that’s how it should be. Please try to see this as a good characteristic in him.

shiningstar2 · 20/11/2022 09:29

I don't understand why your partner thinks his ex's social life trumps yours and his. If it was an emergency ...she was rushing her daughter/partner/mother to hospital that's different ...but when it comes to social life, surely the one without the babysitter misses out if both have plans 🤔 Again perhaps different if it's a wedding or something, but for an ordinary night out surely your partner would say I would if I could but sorry I have plans as well 🤔

SaffronQuoda · 20/11/2022 09:32

@AreWeThereYet69 Men will do things like this for a variety of reasons - they are good men who do want to help out, they care about their children, they want to keep the ex happy so that children do not get the flak , they feel guilty about the situation and yes it makes life easier for them in that respect. Bear with it - it sometimes takes them a while to establish their boundaries with their ex. It's not about their children being more" important" than you. It's a different thing totally.

Cactuslove · 20/11/2022 09:32

He missed his ds and hadn't seen him as usual, jumping at the random chance to have him on a night his ex had plans. He sounds like a really decent person. I'm single with two kids and it makes me wonder if it's better to date others with kids. For me it's easy to understand that him prioritising his child isn't a reflection of his relationship with you... it's just your kids are everything.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 09:34

If you don't have kids you probably won't get it. His son is more important than you and he would rather spend time with him. He also wants to be kind to his ex and appreciates that parenting is a long game - they will be doing it together for at least 6 more years - and goodwill goes a long way.

Itsonlyagame · 20/11/2022 09:36

He is a good man. I would take this as a positive, not a negative.

Ellie1015 · 20/11/2022 09:37

If mother had to work and childcare fell through i would understand. Ir perhaps a wedding or some special event. If a refular night out then no her plans aren't more important than yours.

However maybe there was a miscommunication and she thought they swapped fri for sat. I would expect him to swap as he would want to see his child.

Also if child asked him directly I can see it would be difficult to say no as they may feel rejected.

saltofcelery · 20/11/2022 09:37

Yes it's a very valid reason. If I didn't have my DC 100% of the time, I would jump at the chance to see them more that week, at the expense of my girlfriend of one year / five years / 10 years.

Being with someone who is a good Dad, who loves his children, you'll never be the main priority. This is just something you have to accept or not accept and move on.

I think him doing that is an attractive quality, but my priorities are probably different.

Notonationalism · 20/11/2022 09:38

Why did the ex”s plans on the night she was caring for her child take precedence over you and your partners, that the real crux of the matter here. Why didn’t ex cancel her plans?

gogohmm · 20/11/2022 09:39

Perfectly valid, Child's needs come first. That is the reality of dating someone with a child, if you can't hack this, don't pursue the relationship

manticlimactic0 · 20/11/2022 09:40

minidancer · 17/11/2022 19:21

He's not the right man for you. Find someone without kids. You should be happy he puts his child first and wants to see him. He didn't have him Friday night. He only has him one night a week, you have six other nights to see him.

This 👆
It may be different if it was every weekend or every time you had plans. But he missed his usual day so is stepping up.

If you want to be the main focus, date a man without children
50/50 BU

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 09:40

@shiningstar2 because he hasn't seen his son this week and so wants to take the opportunity to do so. It's not about the ex, it's about the child.

Notonationalism · 20/11/2022 09:41

gogohmm · 20/11/2022 09:39

Perfectly valid, Child's needs come first. That is the reality of dating someone with a child, if you can't hack this, don't pursue the relationship

@gogohmm this wasn’t about the child’s needs though, it was about the mum’s night out not being scuppered by her babysitter.

Sisisimone · 20/11/2022 09:42

AreWeThereYet69 · 19/11/2022 23:30

@MrsSkylerWhite How is this more about his child? He wasn't due to see his child Saturday night and only changed the schedule because his ex's babysitter cancelled

He hasn't seen his son though on the Friday as he normally would and now has the chance to on the Saturday, so of course he is going to take it. It's not difficult to understand is it.

Fcuk38 · 20/11/2022 09:44

My kids would always come before a date no matter the circumstances.

gogohmm · 20/11/2022 09:45

@Notonationalism

It is the need of the child to be cared for. The mothers plans might have been equally long planned, something special, we don't know. The kid should not have to be dumped with a babysitter. The dad hadn't fulfilled his Friday night duty so it's right he had him Saturday

Notonationalism · 20/11/2022 09:47

@gogohmm it was the mum who wanted to “dump him with a babysitter” and was quite prepared to until they cancelled!

Notonationalism · 20/11/2022 09:47

And for the record, if it was my night with the kids I wouldn’t have arranged a night out anyway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread