Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a valid reason to cancel a date?

175 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 18:39

I'd arranged a date with my boyfriend of a year for Saturday night.

He's cancelled as his child's mother has plans and her babysitter can't come so he's agreed to look after his son overnight.

I'm completely pissed off with this as it has happened before. A few months ago, we'd arranged for me to introduce him to a significant friend of mine and he cancelled when his ex asked him to look after their child (who's 12!!) that afternoon.
They have an access plan which he always adheres to. On average he sees his child every other day and 1 overnight.

He's away this week for a couple of days (first time he's been away in a year) so isn't seeing his child for a couple of days and is justifying it on that basis.

I think he should have said he couldn't accommodate her on Saturday night but spent Sunday with his child instead.
I feel like our plans are being scraped to facilitate his ex's social life!

AIBU??

OP posts:
Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 20:17

Is this the same man you were moaning about 5/6 weeks ago because he didn't come around to shop for paracetamol for you and your DC when you both had covid?
It's quite obvious you have very expectations within the relationship and are totally not compatible, OP. I'd get back stalking on Bumble if I were you

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 17/11/2022 20:28

But it isn't about facilitating his ex. It's about him getting an overnight he thought he was missing out on. I do not believe you would go without seeing your DC for 2 weeks for a date with your boyfriend. I understand it's annoying but you're looking at it the wrong way.

Changemaname1 · 17/11/2022 20:36

As others have pointed out likely he will see this from the perspective as an unexpected extra evening with his son after being away rather than he's helping out his ex . Believe me , this is a good quality in a partner

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 20:37

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek Did you actually read my posts? Or are you just here for agro?
He sees his DC 3/4 afternoons a week (after school) 1 day at the weekend and 1 overnight.

As if I'd think any parent should choose a date over seeing their kid once in 2 weeks. That isn't what I asked 🙄but keep making up stuff to suit your narrative rather than address what I've actually said

OP posts:
Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 20:39

@Changemaname1 yeah I suppose you're right...I could never date a shit parent...it would be the ultimate turn off

OP posts:
AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 17/11/2022 20:43

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 20:37

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek Did you actually read my posts? Or are you just here for agro?
He sees his DC 3/4 afternoons a week (after school) 1 day at the weekend and 1 overnight.

As if I'd think any parent should choose a date over seeing their kid once in 2 weeks. That isn't what I asked 🙄but keep making up stuff to suit your narrative rather than address what I've actually said

Apologies, I meant not have an overnight for 2 weeks.

You sound like a very angry person who has decided you are right and annoyed no one is agreeing with you. Perhaps if you were more flexible with your own ex you could have easily switched to another day so everyone was happy. I am probably biased as that's how we do it and no one feels angry that sometimes life gets in the way and plans change.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 20:46

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 20:37

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek Did you actually read my posts? Or are you just here for agro?
He sees his DC 3/4 afternoons a week (after school) 1 day at the weekend and 1 overnight.

As if I'd think any parent should choose a date over seeing their kid once in 2 weeks. That isn't what I asked 🙄but keep making up stuff to suit your narrative rather than address what I've actually said

I think it might be you OP who is misreading @AntiSocial6DaysAWeek posts, twisting things and looking for aggro.
You are being deliberately obtuse. Your DP has not seen his DC every other day this week and missed his normal overnight stay because he has been away so everyone is saying its reasonable for him to want to see his child when given the opportunity. You're lucky enough to have your children most of the week but he's not. It's hard for most of us to understand why you don't understand this.
You're being very angry and aggressive. You asked for people's opinions and are now upset that not everybody is backing you up.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 20:51

@Dontbelieveawordofit I'm not angry in the slightest. I'm genuinely interested in hearing people's opinions...hence asking the question.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 20:54

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that

whiteroseredrose · 17/11/2022 21:04

I would be annoyed for the reason you said. Both parents had plans but when childcare fell through the ex's plans were deemed more important than his plans with you.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 17/11/2022 21:06

I too think he was out of order. He should have told his ex he had plans and stuck to them. It shows going forward he will never make you a priority OP. This is nothing to do with being a good dad and everything to do with being flakey about his relationship with you.

Justcallmebebes · 17/11/2022 21:11

It's a bummer but comes with the territory when dating a man with kids who's a good dad.

We see so many posts on here about dead beat dads, it's nice to know there are men who can co-parent well and put their kids first and genuinely want to spend time with them. Doesn't help you tho in this case. Do you have kids? If not, I think I'd move on

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 17/11/2022 21:13

You can be a good dad and still give some priority to your relationship. You cannot always drop everything just because your ex does not want to cancel plans. Why is the exes night out allowed to be a priority over the OPs night out?

None of this is to do with being a parent. All of it is down to prioritising the ex over the current. He is prioritising the ex and her life and sacrificing his own relationship. I would give him one more chance to redeem himself OP and then bin him.

Can I ask have you met the kid?

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 21:22

@Igglepiggleslittletoe that's my take on it too! Why is her night out the priority? If it was about hanging out with his DC I wouldn't be in the slightest bit put out. But it's actually about placating her which is very much their dynamic. She's doesn't reciprocate at all.
And no we haven't met each others kids. I was considering introduce
ing them in the new year....but not sure if this is the right fit for me

OP posts:
Igglepiggleslittletoe · 17/11/2022 21:25

I completely see it from your point OP I really can. He has prioritised wrong. It is very hurtful when this is done, trust me from one who knows and is currently walking a thin line due to something similar. Mine has one more time to redeem himself or he is back on that shelf too. We deserve better.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 21:37

I think what makes it hard to swallow is when he rang to tell me he didn't even mention his DC, it was all about how ex had planned a night out and poor her, the babysitter had cancelled 😑I guess I don't see this dynamic changing. Its a real shame cos we had really good fun hanging out

OP posts:
Glasscup · 17/11/2022 21:50

He's clearly a good dad who is putting his child first even if that means putting his ex's social life first too.

That puts you in a difficult position. It's sad that he'll have to pay a price for this but it's not really on to ask you to put up with it.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 21:50

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 21:37

I think what makes it hard to swallow is when he rang to tell me he didn't even mention his DC, it was all about how ex had planned a night out and poor her, the babysitter had cancelled 😑I guess I don't see this dynamic changing. Its a real shame cos we had really good fun hanging out

This is what someone said to you six weeks ago when you wrote that you weren't well and he'd not offered to go shopping for you:

He has just shown you EXACTLY who he is and EXACTLY how little he thinks of you.You can ignore this and carry on and end up in a relationship with someone who doesn't really give a damn about you OR you can see him for who he is and say No thanks, not good enough, I don't need a selfish man in my life.

your reply was:

you're right, this is who he is. I kinda knew it already but this confirms if 😪

And now it's over again because he's cancelled 2 dates in a year. He's obviously never going to live up to your standards so just give it up and next time your'e stalking someone on Bumble, make sure they're not a single parent/co-parenting. That way, whenever you don't have your DC, they can be at your beck and call day and night. Simple solution

thebluehen · 18/11/2022 17:15

Ultimately he is bothered more about upsetting his ex than you. It won't get better. It's lovely he wants to spend time with his son but ultimately he made a commitment to meet with you and he thinks it's ok to just cancel.

It's a red flag not a sign of a great person in my opinion.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/11/2022 21:17

thebluehen · Yesterday 17:15
Ultimately he is bothered more about upsetting his ex than you …”

Nonsense. He’s more bothered about his child. Which he should be.

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 19/11/2022 23:30

@MrsSkylerWhite How is this more about his child? He wasn't due to see his child Saturday night and only changed the schedule because his ex's babysitter cancelled

OP posts:
Mumofferralkid3 · 20/11/2022 08:15

Plus, how wonderful that this fella puts his kid ahead of his own 'personal' needs. Not all dads would.

His relationship with his son is more important, as it should be.

Anyone implying that he's doing it for his ex are coming across as bitter.

Sounds to me like co-parenting done well.

AngelaoftheNorth · 20/11/2022 08:16

18 years ago, I had just started a relationship with a man whose desire always always always to put his children first was causing many cancelled dates. I was moaning about it to a very wise older woman, and she said to me "look at the way that he parents, and use your observations to decide - would you want him to make such a priority of your children by him?"

I realised that of course I did, and he is now a fantastically devoted dad to our children as well as his.

Minxmumma · 20/11/2022 08:17

OK. I can see this from both sides. I get why you are frustrated and maybe he could have said no. Perhaps you don't fully understand his relationship with his ex, they may still be great friends.

But when you date someone with a child, the child will always come first. And sometimes part of good co parenting means putting your ex first as well.

Perhaps you need to look for a relationship with someone who doesn't have a child unless you can learn to celebrate this man's kindness and desire to be with his child

Pollywhirl · 20/11/2022 08:22

Seems like you're trying to come first before his child. That ain't gonna happen, not with this guy anyway.
He seems like a good dad who will take any opportunity to see his kid, I don't see it as bending over backwards for his ex or accommodating her before you. But rather as an opportunity to spend time with his child. If this only happen twice I don't see why you're complaining? I'm sure you could have rearranged too and seen it as an amazing quality on him that he will put his kids first and feel lucky that if you ever have a kid with him in the future, he will be there.
Competing with someone's child never ends up well. I just broke up a month ago over this same thing. My ex appeared to start resenting my child and his attitude towards him had changed etc and I ended it because at the end of the day, the kid will ALWAYS come first. No matter how much we love or care for the significant other.
I would take some time to think if you can really be in this relationship as it seems that you're not ready to accept that you're gonna have to share your man's time with a little child. Whether he's 2, 12 or 20.
But you also have every right to be pissed off, those are your feelings and you can't help how you feel. The problem is, he's not responsible for your feelings towards the whole situation