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Original poster

He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

453 replies

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:42

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 12/12/2022 17:20

walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:43

@1HappyTraveller he works part time at the moment. He wouldn't do anymore when I went back full time after our eldest.

If he’s working PT then he should definitely be doing more to help. There is no reason he couldn’t take an extra locum shift and use that money to pay someone to help you on a more regular basis.

1HappyTraveller · 12/12/2022 17:23

walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:46

He won't let it drop. Why won't you come to my mothers? What is it about going? DD won't want to go now because you aren't. Is it just visiting my mum thats upsetting you? (Erm no the way you've been treating me but you don't need to be a detective to realise that surely!)
This is now causing me more stress. I've told him I'm not going. I'm not being unreasonable am I? Perhaps a little.

Tell him it’s the way he’s been treating you. Tell him it’s the way his mother treats you.

YADNBU!

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 17:23

You will get away from him.

Please tell your GP that you are being abused by your GP husband and you are trying to get away from him.

He is a horror and he KNOWS it.

He shouldn't be anywhere near female patients.

Tell those around you the truth.

Please call Womens aid for support.

Do not pay any attention to him.

Get to your mothers and tell her the truth.

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 17:28

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:08

that's interesting....seems to be a 'type', would you say?

Show quote history

Yes. I have come across some in my career. I have worked with some absolutely lovely doctors, but there are a minority that are just like this

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:33

Please tell your GP that you are being abused by your GP husband and you are trying to get away from him
what if there's a bit of an 'old boys network' though...or is that too paranoid?
I appreciate that, as @endofthelinefinally says, most doctors are 'absolutely lovely'

OldFan · 12/12/2022 17:36

Doctors can be pretty obnoxious because they can get away with it as they think most of us are a captive audience. And as it's such a respected role it can go to their heads/egos.

@walkinthewoodstoday Maybe make sure you see a female doctor when you go? Unless there's one of either sex in particular you tend to get on with at the practice.

Sadgirlonatrain · 12/12/2022 18:08

Oh mate, I've been following your thread, and haven't read all the replies but have seen your posts. I am sending you strength to keep going and do what you need to do. He sounds a terrible man, and as you've mentioned, maybe maliciously, he's just like this as if it's normal. The thing with him texting you that "oh by the way I'm going away immediately, sorry, I forgot" I get this from dh too. He'll tell me the night before he's due to go to his mum's for a week. Or he'll text me from the bus when he's on his way somewhere. I have lost count of how many nights he's been away over the past few years. But then when he's back he acts as if this is all perfectly fine and will suggest a family day out, then if I don't beam with grateful enthusiasm, I'm the miserable one who never makes an effort. Your dh sounds exactly like this! And no, it may not be abuse in the 'traditional' sense, but it's f*+-inh maddening to live this way, and to always think it's something you've brought on yourself. Therefore it's emotional abuse and is just as bad. Please get help from your family, they want the best for you. This man does not. We are all here to support you. You have every right to escape this and be happy x

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 12/12/2022 18:10

*maybe not maliciously

Sorry, typos in the cold

OldFan · 12/12/2022 18:33

And no, it may not be abuse in the 'traditional' sense

It's cold and neglectful. And the using the kids as weapons is textbook of abusers.

CuriousMama · 12/12/2022 18:46

heldinadream · 12/12/2022 16:15

Ask him why he's going on retreat. His answer will be something like because I need it and I want to.
Why won't you go to his mothers? Because staying away is what I need and want. No difference. You've got this OP.

Yes to this

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 18:48

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:33

Please tell your GP that you are being abused by your GP husband and you are trying to get away from him
what if there's a bit of an 'old boys network' though...or is that too paranoid?
I appreciate that, as @endofthelinefinally says, most doctors are 'absolutely lovely'

Any professional doctor would not risk their position.

He works part time to her full time and controls her money, which is financially abusive.

She is being coercively controlled by him.

He is committing a crime.

Any police station will help her if she walks in and asks for help from them.

He is just another arrogant man who thinks he's above the law.

He isn't.

portugalq · 12/12/2022 19:19

How are things going @walkinthewoodstoday? Rooting for you.

RosettaStormer · 12/12/2022 19:33

Something tells me this man is having an affair. I may be wrong. But there we are.

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 20:21

@RosettaStormer he's not having an affair. He is genuinely on a retreat. But if he were having an affair I think I might actually be bemused and somewhat pleased in a weird way. He doesn't have any friends (I really do mean that) because he can't maintain a relationship and he seems to fall out with various work colleagues too. He also never ever apologises. It's like he is allergic. He won't even apologize to our eldest child which I just can't understand. When he has used the words I'm sorry in the past, it is I'm sorry but (usually followed by mummy hasn't done this so you won't be able to do that.

OP posts:
RosettaStormer · 12/12/2022 20:26

He’s a narcissist.

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 20:49

The more you say about him the more I know you need to get away from him.

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 21:07

he can't maintain a relationship
one of those people who is unable to back down or defer to anyone, has to be the boss whom no-one questions or nothing, he is not capable of being a partner. I really think you have to cut your losses here and leave him to his fate, he cannot bond with people.

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 21:14

Yes- I've decided for my mental health not to go to his mothers and to let him go with the children but he's already predicted that the eldest "won't want to go out of loyalty to you". I think that's such a weird thing to say. He is her Dad. Why is he already saying she won't go because I'm not there and making it about me and blaming me. Interestingly the eldest hasn't even flinched that he isn't here tonight! She hasn't even asked where he is. So this prediction is just deflecting that fact that maybe she won't want to go because she doesn't have a good relationship with him.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 21:26

Why is he already saying she won't go because I'm not there and making it about me and blaming me
it's to break you down make you doubt yourself and get you to obey him, his mindset is that he is king and everyone should obey him, most of his behavior flows from that. I can appreciate it may be very hard to not react, but:
'dont wrestle with a pig, you'll both get covered in mud and the pig enjoys it'
can you find a phrase that works for you, eg,
'oh really, is that what you think'
and then change the subject, dont engage.
The reason he has to blame you for everything is that he is not 'evolved' enough to cope with being in the wrong, he cant tolerate how it makes him feel, his ego is not solid enough or strong enough....that's my take on it anyway!

PorkPieForStarters · 12/12/2022 22:02

Your strength through this has been amazing to witness, I'm so glad you're taking steps to get support and remove yourself from this horrible situation.

Can I urge you, when you have time or the headspace, to start making notes with dates and as much detail as possible of all the things you can remember that he's done over the years, plus screenshots/photos of messages and any other evidence you can of his coercive behaviour that you can safely collect? Keep it somewhere completely secure from him. Hopefully it won't come to it but it might help you later down the line.

💐

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 22:42

Yes- I did keep a record and then I resolved to dleete it all and try to move on but just found a copy. Wow it makes me feel really low. I read that he locked me in the car because I said I couldn't walk around the supermarket (I had blisters from sandals) so would wait in the car with child. He locked us both in and it was a heatwave in august. I also recorded how he refered to his colleague as a "waste of space" and now he said one of my friends who was mentally unwell shouldn't be breeding. What a horrible word to use. He actually said she shouldn't be breeding if she is unwell. He doesn't see people, does he? He doesn't feel their pain.

OP posts:
RosettaStormer · 12/12/2022 23:01

Men like this shouldn’t be GPS . It’s frightening.

PragmaticWench · 13/12/2022 06:36

No, I don't think he does see people, it sounds as though he's not capable of it.

heldinadream · 13/12/2022 07:26

He locked you in the car with dc in a heatwave?
OP he sounds worse and worse.
So - he's going away today and you are feeling stronger, so this is now breathing space to gather yourself and think about how you want to proceed. Is that how it lies this morning?
How are you feeling today?

MerryMarigold · 13/12/2022 08:46

RosettaStormer · 12/12/2022 23:01

Men like this shouldn’t be GPS . It’s frightening.

I know 2 lovely, empathetic GPs. Both women!

OP, I don't mean to sound racist, but is he from a different culture? (My husband is, and his attitude to money is... Weird and controlling as they had been very little growing up). He's ok with the kids but we've had many parenting battles because my idea of parenting is very different to the way he was controlled, disciplined and belittled as a child.