He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

I don't want him to go on the retreat- I need him here to help. I've got so many things that need doing and im shaky,

Soothsayer- that's exactly it. Right now I just need to focus on the small things and my childrens basic needs. My mum is looking to move closer in the future so life will be much better. Just having her close for a cup of tea and a hug

Seriously, you're willing to stay with a man who says you are 'f-ing lazy' etc and won't help or let you spend money and turns the gas off during cooking?
He really has done a number on you.
Your children need a mother who is safe and alive for them more than anything else.

Having spoken to the HV I might have delayed post partum depression caused by stopping breastfeeding. Essentially, I am finding everything overwhelming so as you can imagine the thought of getting on a train across London with two small children isn't safe. I don't trust myself. When I was in London a month ago I thought about what it would be like to step out in front of a tube. I wouldn't act on it, but I was thinking about it. I know lots of you are trying to help and I am so so grateful for the suppose but I know what is beyond me right now

He's home and I don't know enay to Sa. Help

I think I would just humour him, start acting ....this is a man who is so convinced of his own greatness that he does exactly what he wants and doesn't even see other people, any direct request will probably be brushed aside because no one tells him what to do.
Keep him sweet and do what you can to think ahead of him and above him.

I want to say- help out tonight and tomorrow am and then go Tuesday pm- Wednesday PM. I then get a break for a day from him but help with the stuff that is causing me anxiety

If you were my daughter I would come and get you. I would take time off work, just get in the car and go. Does your mum know what’s going on? If not, perhaps you need to tell her.

And I know it gets bandied around on here a lot Eg mumsnet, but his profile is covert narcissist. I was vulnerable when I met him and didn't realise. He also played the victim for so long but gradually breaking me down. But here's the thing- I don't think he realises he is abusing me or that his actions are selfish and wrong, because of his upbringing. My sister in law has experienced the same sort of things from her DH. Particularly telling us when she was unwell and her DH told her to pull herself together and stop being so selfish.

It's very hard to discuss with him as he does the stonewalling eg not answer and if you repeat a question after 5 minutes because he wouldn't answer you get made out to be harassing him and he says you are like his mother. You start to believe that you are awful and back away

On your phone, put together a list of what needs to be done. I would try the GP Surgery again to see if you can get an urgent appointment. When you are diagnosed with PND, I would say to DH, the GP was surprised that he didn't notice the signs as apparently you're text book and leave that nugget with him. Keep talking to your HV please, they are there for you, to support you. Finally, I believe you to be stronger than you think and take a leaf from your husband's book by putting yourself first then the children, you don't need to worry about DH as he is busy putting himself before all others.
Also just want to say how appalled I am to hear your DH is a GP - utterly disgusting, selfish, attitude.

Please, for your own sanity, safety and health, get out. He will not change. You will be here in 6 months or 6 years saying the same thing. I used to work as a homeless officer and honestly I have heard this story so many times. I can't tell you about individuals but the one thing that they had in common was the gaslighting from the other party. Nothing was ever their fault, they were perfect, the woman made them behave that way etc. I mean it was pathetic in many ways but they were all dangerous men who were capable of causing harm. Tell your mum and leave him, take the kids to safety, staying will cause you all harm.

Did you tell the HV what you have said here? If not, you need to call back and tell her. I think you need to be seen more urgently than after Christmas. If i was your HV I would be getting you to your GP today.
Ultimately you do need to separate from your husband. His behaviour is not only controlling, it is disturbing and sinister. But you need to get your own mental and physical health assessed first.

If you are being coercive controlled or gas lit please contact women’s aid today, make sure your Mum knows the full extent too. Now is not the time to keep it to yourself because she’s busy at work, you matter too!

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

He's back and hasn't mentioned the retreat. I've given him the baby and thjnk I am going to go for a walk.

Make a plan to get away from this man he will end up like his mother tiptoeing through narrow passageways between the hoards
There's a better life for you... keep him sweet and make a plan

Please also be completely honest with your HV & GP on how you’re feeling, don’t mask it or play it down. The first step to receiving help is complete honesty & wanting help. Take care!

A walk is a great idea OP. Hope it helps to clear your head a bit. Look at nice things - leaves, sky, trees. Sounds daft but it can really help.
Wrap up warm won't you? Bloody cold out there!

As you walk, try the '5 things' technique.It's not a 'cure all' but it can help you calm and reduce your anxiety level.

www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx

5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.

4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet.

3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.

2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.

1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?

Once you are calm, start making your plans to leave. Remember that you don't have to come up with 'absolutes' today. As long as you are not in physical danger, you can move more slowly. Start with 'loose plans' (where to go, how to get there) then start to firm them up (make phone calls, how to pay for tickets, what to pack, etc), then execute them.

And call your mum. Let her know that you've reached your limit. Tell her she doesn't need to rush down, just to be aware that you will be needing housing in the not too distant future.

Even a simple basic plan with steps to follow can help you to feel calm, it acts like a handrail to steady you as you navigate a precarious path
I don't think I'd be confronting him that will just stir him up and it might tip him off, best he stays in complete ignorance about what you have planned

I approached him and said I needed to go to the supermarket as no food for my daughters packed lunches. He told me but he needs to go out (to his retreat). That's when I bravely said that it was too much right now and perhaps he could go tomorrow till Wednesday pm. He was huffy, rolled his eyes. "It will have to be that then". I went upstairs to get ready to go out and he was sighing loudly and then muttered something which I didnt hear. The more I write, the more I think my anxiety comes from being around him

And now I'm in danger of bursting into tears in the supermarket cafe

You are right. He is the cause of your anxiety. But you still need that medical assessment and support to give you the strength to navigate this. Get yourself a hot drink and some food. Get your shopping.
Let him go off on his retreat tomorrow. You will be able to think better when he is out of the way.

OP, when I think of all the places I've cried in public! I know it's not fun, but it's ok too. People who are kind and empathic will not think badly of you, and people who are not kind and empathic don't matter.
I hope you're having a nice cup of something and maybe a cake.

@walkinthewoodstoday - please, please, tell your mum the full extent of what is going on. My child went through something similar and never told me till a long time after. If I'd known at the time, I would have done anything I could to "rescue" her, but I didn't, and the feeling that I failed her is still with me many years later. She will want to help you and her grandchildren but she needs to know how bad it is!
Good luck!

I cry a lot in public. It happens. I cried for the last hour of a flight home once. I just couldn't stop. The flight staff gave me tissues. It is what it is. Something just sets me off, I can't help it.
Most people are kind.