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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

453 replies

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:42

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 12/12/2022 14:19

Tell your mum, if you were my daughter I'd call in sick to work and drive across the country to come and get you and the kids. Do you really think she'd rather have you in severe distress or worse than be bothered for a couple of days?

Your husband isn't the answer to your problems, instead he's the root of them - at least partly.

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 14:21

Ffs they are playing the snowman music and That has set me off.

OP posts:
WhoKnows2346 · 12/12/2022 14:21

Of course he's causing you anxiety. You have to manage him, and try and be one step ahead of him for him to behave like a half decent human being, let alone a halfway supportive partner in your relationship, it's bloody exhausting, on top of being the only carer to your children. You think he is the answer to helping you get back on your feet, but he's not, not on those terms. I would suggest marriage counselling to help get your point across - Relate are really good with very clued up people. And before anyone jumps at me about saving this marriage, at Relate you can be seen on your own and they also help you separate as adults.

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 14:23

GoldenCupidon · 12/12/2022 14:19

Tell your mum, if you were my daughter I'd call in sick to work and drive across the country to come and get you and the kids. Do you really think she'd rather have you in severe distress or worse than be bothered for a couple of days?

Your husband isn't the answer to your problems, instead he's the root of them - at least partly.

This. I would do anything for my daughter. Literally anything.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 12/12/2022 14:53

Silent retreat sounds mega suspicious to me.

For one, I can't think of a single spirit, god or deity that would expect you to put your wife and children at an emotional, or physical disadvantage.

And two, there's a lot of scope for abuse of this privilege of a silent retreat.

He's a cunt for considering it in the first place because he's saying your needs don't matter, and he's blind or refusing to see you're swamped.

You get your retreat first, then he can fucking consider his.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 12/12/2022 14:56

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 15:58

I've realised a flaw in my plan and it comes at my children's expense which I just can't allow. If he takes them to his mum, without me, then he probably won't cope and will get angry with my just turned 7 year old. She will be upset and then he will say it's mummy's fault for being selfish and not coming. The whole thing will back fire.

Ah good old parental alienation. A form of abuse.

He sounds absolutely delightful OP.

Get your 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:19

UPDATE
Firstly thank you to everyone. This little forum makes me feel like I'm not alone and most importantly than I'm not selfish, stupid or wrong. Thank you for validating me and helping me to stay strong. After thinking I couldn't do it, I've told him to go. I will get my eldest from school and although she won't be able to do her club (I can't be taking the baby out at 7.30pm in the ice) I will cook her pizza and let her have a movie and try to make it special.

I wont be going with him to visit his abusive narcissistic mother. She isn't my mother and I don't need to do it. He can take the children to see her himself. Accomodation is all sorted. I will stay here, rest and try and sort out my head. Then I will get a train to my mums and meet him and the kids there. Of course he doesn't like this idea and hasn't actually agreed. But I'm not going. It has caused me so much anxiety and he has refused to engage in the matter. I won't take any guilt and if he decides not to go, then that isn't my fault although I am sure he will blame me and so will MIL.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 12/12/2022 15:31

Bravo OP! 👏
Really pleased you've found some strength to stand up to him. Keep posting if you need to.

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:34

I'm in the bedroom and he keeps coming in and asking me questions like why won't you go to my mums. What's making you unwell? How can I answer questions like this. Isn't is obvious

OP posts:
Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:35

Probably panicking as he realises I'm not going to follow his shitty script

OP posts:
Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:37

I'm actually wondering how he does his job and hope no poor women book an appointment with him with mental health issues. Maybe he just has empathy burn out.

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 12/12/2022 15:40

walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 11:23

I know if I say I am overwhelmed and struggling To him, he will say that he is working and so is more tired. I do understand and I don't want to get into that because working is exhausting. Does that make sense. I'm not allowed to be tired or run down because he is too

I hear you with this one. It’s hard. But essentially you are WFH in the sense that if you weren’t caring for your children then you’d be paying someone to do the same.

Being overwhelmed. It’s all relative. Whilst he works 8-6 your brain is engaged 24/7. He gets to sleep because you are the one expected to wake during the night. It’s relentless. And it is tiring. I 100% understand his job is stressful, more so at the moment. If he’s salaried could he not consider cutting back on hours? If financially this is a worry then doing the odd additional locum to makeup the footfall could work.

More to the point If you tell him you are overwhelmed and struggling and that is his response then I have no words. He has been gaslighting you for so long. If finances allow then some home help might be useful, even a doula or babysitter or some sort of assistant to help you for a few hours a week. He can pay for it and stop being a tight ar*e. If it helps you mentally and physically then it needs to be done. He can do an extra locum shift a month to cover the cost.

I’ve been following this thread with interest. I really hope that you are okay.

RolleenCooney · 12/12/2022 15:41

I have just seen your thread for the first time today and my heart goes out to you! I am glad you’ll have some breathing space over the next couple of days. Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. None of this is your fault. You have a great many women by your side holding your hand. ❤

1HappyTraveller · 12/12/2022 15:41

walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 11:36

My baby is so lovely but I just look at him and cry because I'm not good enough for him

You are good enough for him. You are all he needs and everything he needs. You are his mother ❤️

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:43

@1HappyTraveller he works part time at the moment. He wouldn't do anymore when I went back full time after our eldest.

OP posts:
Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 15:46

He won't let it drop. Why won't you come to my mothers? What is it about going? DD won't want to go now because you aren't. Is it just visiting my mum thats upsetting you? (Erm no the way you've been treating me but you don't need to be a detective to realise that surely!)
This is now causing me more stress. I've told him I'm not going. I'm not being unreasonable am I? Perhaps a little.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 15:57

He works part time? Good grief.
YANBU.
Stick to your guns OP.
Let him go away to his retreat. You will be calmer without him there and the sooner you get away from him completely the better.
You have a whole support group here and you sound stronger already.

heldinadream · 12/12/2022 16:15

Ask him why he's going on retreat. His answer will be something like because I need it and I want to.
Why won't you go to his mothers? Because staying away is what I need and want. No difference. You've got this OP.

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 12/12/2022 16:22

@heldinadream genius

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 16:35

I have a friend going through a divorce from her narcissistic, controlling husband. He is a doctor and has treated her appallingly for 30 years. As has his equally narcissistic and controlling mother. It has been really tough for her, but she is almost there. Her only regret is that she didn't do it decades ago. Once she got away from him she gained confidence and it got easier. You will get there too OP.

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 16:50

This is now causing me more stress. I've told him I'm not going. I'm not being unreasonable am I? Perhaps a little
no you are not unreasonable!
he is trying to gaslight you into going by implying that there is something wrong with you for not wanting to, 'I dont want to' is reason enough, or you can alternate between that and 'I dont find it helpful' and 'I wont be doing that' if you prefer

diddl · 12/12/2022 17:00

Your husband isn't the answer to your problems, instead he's the root of them - at least partly.

That's it in a nutshell isn't it?

What's the big deal about you seeing his mum or not?

He can still see her!

Why will you be meeting at your mum's?

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:07

He won't let it drop
I wonder why, possibly he just feels more in control of you if you are being 'held & contained' by his mother, plus he knows you dont feel comfortable there and anything that keeps you stressed & off balance give him more power

Soothsayer1 · 12/12/2022 17:08

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 16:35

I have a friend going through a divorce from her narcissistic, controlling husband. He is a doctor and has treated her appallingly for 30 years. As has his equally narcissistic and controlling mother. It has been really tough for her, but she is almost there. Her only regret is that she didn't do it decades ago. Once she got away from him she gained confidence and it got easier. You will get there too OP.

that's interesting....seems to be a 'type', would you say?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/12/2022 17:09

Whoa! He only works part-time since you went back to work full-time? And he controls your household expenses and your own spending? Get out of there, please! (Tell your mum!)