He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

This is an emergency. You need to get to a place of safety.

Don't worry about the nursery appointment or you child missing school. Get yourself to your mum and get help from your HV and GP.

I'm worried he's going to come back when I'm on the phone. He has gaslit me for so long trying to say I am the problem that I can't trust my judgement anymore.

Tell the HV this and go from there

I know if I say I am overwhelmed and struggling To him, he will say that he is working and so is more tired. I do understand and I don't want to get into that because working is exhausting. Does that make sense. I'm not allowed to be tired or run down because he is too

I can't take her out of school. She will be devastated. Whatever I do I have to look after her and keep things are normal as possible. He would use it against me and say you had to miss your concert/brownies etc because of mummy

He sounds like a horrible man. He’s on leave and you don’t know where he is? He’s taking time off when ever he feels like it? He’s putting you down and making you feel worthless. I’m glad he’s not my GP.

My baby is so lovely but I just look at him and cry because I'm not good enough for him

The first priority is your health OP.
Try to break this down into most urgent things first, then the rest.
You need a proper medical consultation and examination including blood tests and screening for PND, endocrine imbalance, anaemia, vitamin D levels and whatever else your GP thinks appropriate.
You are a good mum. You have been looking after your children very well, with no support.
Get the medical help first, then go from there.

They've arranged an appointment to do baby check and see me after Xmas which to be honest just talking to someone who understands was really helpful. I've got the GP appointment so feel like I have some steps. Everything feels overwhelming but I just have to treat it one day at a time (which is hard for me as an organiser) and try to get through this

But what I need help with now:
How do I say to him, no you can't go on this retreat today, without me sounding controlling or uncaring about his needs? I need a script

I'm not good at scripts but I wonder if you can say something like - If you insist on going away I'm going to have to go to my mum's with both children, because I really need some help and you are not parenting your children and I can't do it on my own. Then something like that's not a threat it's just the unfortunate reality. If I go I can't tell you when I'm going to be back because I'm going to have to get emergency medical treatment for my mental health and I must take the advice I'm given. I understand that you think you are the priority right now but actually, as the smallest and most vulnerable people, the priority is our children and I'm getting help for me so that they are safe. If we can't parent together I have to do it alone, and that means taking care of myself.

I think I'd try and say something like that OP.

More hugs.

The issue is I can't do a 5 hr train journey, across London with the children and Xmas (presents) etc. perhaps I could but I also have less than £150 in my bank account so can't afford the train tickets. That sounds really ungrateful! I am thankful for the response I just don't think doing that would help me

Ok remind me - do you not have access to the family bank account?
Nothing you've said sounds ungrateful OP.

Good idea. Make it clear you are struggling but want to support his request. Ask him to take your DC to his Mother's for a couple of nights THEN go on his retreat. At least you will have had a break.

Seek help for your low feelings, it doesn't need to be that way forever. You can feel better.

Nope- I would have to ask him for the money. I've already drained my savings. Yes he pays bills and things but seems out out if I charge some eBay childrens clothes to his credit card.

I remember you posting about this originally. Did people with more knowledge and experience of this than I have not mention something about your husband being financially abusive/controlling? It sounds as if you have the fear of God in you because you have been conditioned to believe that he is a Very Important GP bringing the money in and His Word is Law. Forgive me if I've got that wrong.
Unfortunately, I'm afraid I don't have a suggestion which doesn't involve you leaving him and taking the children with you, and from what you've said, that's unhelpful to you in your position. I really wish I could think of something helpful. I'm so sorry.

He turns the hob and oven off when I'm cooking without asking to save gas.

He is Due to go to his mums, so I could potentially take the children to my mums then instead. I've never driven that far so thjnk I would need to use the train and it's over London. Maybe I can think this through. Children don't need that much clothing and neither do I, so just the Xmas presents and a backpack.. is this insane

Could your Mum pick you up?

Don't even worry about the presents. Just go. Let him go on the retreat as then you at least have 48 hr breathing space to get away.

This cannot wait any more

It at least send you money for the train.

I would go once he’s out the door . Take everything important with you, documentation, passports, important things for the kids. Anything that is meaningful for you. Will your parents be supportive?

Mum is working and has an intense job and I live the other side of the country. If it was closer she would. She says I can come whenever I want. I can't not take the presents- my 7 year old would be devastated

Reading through your thread my concern is that he will end up weird and difficult like his mother, in the short-term I would be looking to mitigate the effect of his weirdness, in the long term I would be looking to not be with him. I think I would start working on long-term plan for the best interest of the children and to make sure that he can't duck out of paying for them.
Or if you want to stay together you need to find a way that he can't have a negative effect on you. I don't know if he's deliberately abusive but you need to find a way to neutralize him.

You can leave the presents if it's the difference between getting away to safety and not.

7y old will be ok. Better off in fact.