Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

Agree

@TheTeddyBears Have you even read the OP's posts on this thread? He neglects his daughter and sleeps on on the weekends when he has her, he sleeps in until midday and forces to OP to give her breakfast, feed her, attend to her. While he stays in bed. Good dad? What the absolute fuck? He is a TERRIBLE dad.

His daughter is 9, not 1. Dp lets his daughters cook their own breakfast and schedule their own waking times. In fact the older they become the longer they sleep in.
This couple is NOT compatible at all.
It's just another thread for a bunch of nasty women to slag yet another male stranger, off, on the internet.

He wanted to go to work to do some overtime one Saturday and a night before when we were in bed asked if I was ok to stay with his DD. He would be back just after 12pm, so a few hrs I thought yeah no problem. All fine but next weekend he wanted to go to work for 12hr shift, until 6pm.

Re-reading the underlined bit again and realising this was not overnight. He decided to work a 12 hour day shift and expected you to look after his dd for a full Saturday? And he asked you last, meaning it would be very difficult to say no. Wow. He's a piece of work and then some. This is not a man who prioritises his daughter. And this is not a man who shows any love and respect for his partner.

This week there was a day you both had off when you could spend some time together (like you've been asking for) and he announces that he is randomly having his DD for an extra night. Something he doesn't normally do and coincidentally on a night when you were both off.

In any relationship you need to have time together - for walks, movies, dinner, whatever. If there are children or other caring responsibilities, work around their schedule or get a babysitter. I'm a strong believer that children should learn that while they are loved, their parents need time with friends, on dates with a partner, or just alone time - it should be normal from an early age so they don't feel insecure. It sets them up for a healthy understanding of life and future relationships. With a 9 year old dd, it should be easy to fit in a movie together in a Saturday night at the very least but this prince says you are unreasonable to expect even that. He's the one who's unreasonable.

You are clearly having doubts and can see that this is not a relationship that makes you happy. Take a break - stay at your own place for a weekend. Enjoy the freedom. And then split up with him.

Please get out of this relationship. It is stressful just reading about it, let alone living it.

This man is using you as childcare so that he can work more hours for his own future.

Not your future because hopefully you won't be there.

You have your own place, please end things, go back home and look for someone who wants an equal and loving relationship.

The more updates that I read, the worse he sounds. I cant't believe he's in bed and you are getting up with her. The fact that you think he is a good dad shows how well he's trapped you And has groomed you into being a stepmother.
His reaction to you saying no shows that you are not important to him. In his eyes, you are useful and there to make his life easier.
It doesn't have to be like this.

Heaven forfend that people criticise a man!

Please leave him for your own sanity. This isn't what you want from a relationship presumably. It won't change. This is not the reality of all stepfamilies but it is the reality of a stepfamily where the stepmum (and you aren't really a stepmum yet) is put last in everything and expected to just be grateful to spend time in their DSC's company forgetting the parents aren't. Please look after yourself.

Indeed for some, it's a profession.

If you're going to be in a relationship with a person who either has children or sees them part-time. Then your not always going to be a priority.
Simples.

This man dumps his kid on his girlfriend.

Yes and most stepparents accept that. What is not acceptable is it being assumed that OP will be happy to look after his child for a day with emotional blackmail heaped on. The parents and child asked before OP could even say oh actually i had plans that day. There are only two people ultimately responsible for that child's happiness and they've just decided without even asking OP that she's going to look after their child as they can't be arsed.

I think apologising for crap men appears to be a profession…

Frankly, I think expecting men to properly parent their children and take responsibility for them - rather than passing it to the nearest convenient woman - should be a basic expectation.

sadly, the bar for great father seems to hover just above ‘not abandoning his kids’ for an alarming number of people.

He's also future faking you OP. He is presenting an imaginary future in order to get what he wants from you in the present. He says that the extra shifts are for "our future" but they only suit him. You have no claim at all on the extra money he's earning because he has free childcare. The extra shifts are for HIS present and future, he hasn't even considered your future except in terms of what your free labour can do for him.

This 'future' that he is implying where he will have time to lavish on you will never happen. The longer you tolerate his increasing demands, the more he feels he has the absolute right to make demands. If you are still together when his child is an adult it will still be all about him coming first and ignoring what you want.

Run!

its clearly unacceptable to criticise a man for something like that for some people.

How dare women on the internet do dreadful things like encourage other women to have higher standards and better boundaries?

@JennyNotFromTheBlock I hadn't read the subsequent drip feeds at that point no. He doesn't sounds that great now!

I meant from a point of he wants to spend time with his daughter but obvs she's his responsibility so he needs to get out of bed and look after his child.

It's not about not always being a priority.

The OP is NEVER a priority.

And it's not only about the OP never being a priority in what is supposed to be a relationship , it is the fact that this male dumps his parenting onto his girlfriend.

Very simple if you actually read the posts.

Being a handmaiden misogynist and apologist for male bad behaviour also seems to be a profession with some, who have an agenda. I've come across your name before, each time you are bashing the women and defending the men. I wonder why that is.

This might be useful. He's already guilt tripping you. I would start having a Sunday morning pilates session at 10am if I were you. And coffee with a (imaginary) friend.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4657192-expected-to-look-after-stepchildren

I thought exactly this when I read your post OP.
I would be thoroughly pissed off to be told I was selfish for wanting a weekend to myself - I wouldn't let that go!

He's "emotionally bullshitting" you OP. I would dump his arse! I've been getting angry for you just reading your posts!

Are you high?

You would be crazy to still in this relationship for the long term.
Not only is he a selfish Dad!

He's a selfish boyfriend too!

God Forbid you have the audacity to plan anything for yourself and the weekend.

Stop being a door mat!
Let him take care of his own child.

I wouldn't go in hard and state I am breaking up with you because of your child, its easy for him to then blame you for being selfish.

What I would do is: Start making yourself unavailable at the weekends.
Start making your own plan to do things you like ( meeting other friends/ Pampering yourself)
Be ready for the backlash from him when you don't meet his plans.
HIs childcare is not your problem to solve!

Best of Luck!

Oh and OP no matter how much his daughter likes you I'll bet anything she would love some quality 121 times with her father!

Probably not.

Note she didn’t say ‘as a dad…’. Because expecting a father to get up and put his own daughter first would be ridiculous.

I mean, there’s no mention of the child’s actual mother in that post either. Obviously.