Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

I wouldn't go in hard and state I am breaking up with you because of your child, its easy for him to then blame you for being selfish.

I wouldn’t say that I was dumping him because of his child either. It wouldn’t be because of the child.

I’d tell him that I was dumping him
because of him. The OP is looking for
a relationship, not an unpaid nanny position.

I think it's weird people are up in arms about the noon thing. My DD who's 9 sleeps in on the weekends, I also sleep in if she's still alseep sometimes I wait for her to get up !! A young child fair enough but a 9 year old is capable of entertaining themselves for a couple of hours. My DD can make her own breakfast make toast , cereal and operate a microwave. I wouldn't get up at 7 if my DD did she's not a toddler who needs constant supervision. She can dress herself and clean her teeth.

But he has her on the weekends and half the day is gone because he is staying in bed rather than spending precious time with his child.

This may be the case for some children but THIS child is looking for someone to be with her in the mornings.

She is looking to the OP because she knows the father won't step up.

Do you think if you are in bed and your child comes to you you should continue to sleep? Or do you need to get up and parent your child?

What do you suggest the OP does when the child comes to the room in the morning? If it is okay for the father to sleep would it be okay to tell the girl to go away?

What has it got to do with you how long each person stays in bed? Does he stay in bed every weekend? We don't know!
Op wants attention, but he's not going to give her any, op is prioritizing his sleep and his child. Dating a person with kids isn't easy. I don't think she's cut out for it with this particular man.
Nothing apologist about it.

What has it got to do with you how long each person stays in bed?

We are discussing the fact that he leaves all his parenting to the OP. That's why! You seem very desperate to excuse his refusal to parent his own child and his laziness and neglect.

I don't think she's cut out for it with this particular man.'

Or rather you could say he doesn't seem cut out for being either a parent, or in a relationship.

Instead of putting all the blame on the OP.

Yes. And at the end of the day if he's deluded enough to blame the break up on OP who cares, she's outta there.

I think the DD is looking for attention. It's sad she's having to get it from OP rather than her own parents. I feel sorry for her having such a shit dad.

What a tough position to be in :(. I'm a step mum and not a biological mum to a lovely step child. I've been lucky enough not to have the issues you do, but I totally understand where you're coming from.

For me it was important to have "us" time, we need time as a couple. Yes I knew he had a child but I didn't get into a relationship to be a parent. It was in spite of him being a parent, not because of it.

I think every step parent relationship is different and you have to work out what works for you, but in this situation it sounds like it's "his way or no way." Personally I would be staying home and having down time, and if he's not up for a conversation about making sure you have couple time, then I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship.

I became a step mum when step child was about 11, and they're 16 now - the time investment doesn't get any easier. When they're younger they go to bed a bit earlier, and were easier to entertain. At 15/16 they stay up until you go to bed and the entertaining gets trickier. So it's not like it's going to get better in the short term, if your step child is only 9.

I'd be upset at his lack of interest in talking about the situation and coming up with something that works for all 3 of you - that would worry me in terms of other conversations in the future from anything to jobs to housing to holidays or even what to have for dinner !

My DD wouldn't she would get some cereal/toast then go back to sleep. I appreciate other children are different but a 9 year old isn't a toddler. My 9 year old wouldn't appreciate me waking her up early because it's the precious weekend. She moans and wants to go out later around midday especially on a Sunday They are going to secondary school in a couple of years ! .

But this child is not your child, and is awake and is seeking company in the morning.

This child is going into their bedroom and staring at OP until she gets up.

Yes - I think it is the reality for many. Certainly very similar to mine - the difference is that my husband does understand that sometimes I will need to do my own thing too and I think it's so important not to lose yourself.

Resentment can easily build if you feel like you're losing yourself and not appreciated. He also needs to start making some effort on the weekends it's just the two of you.

But there's no two ways about it, those every other weekends are full on, because let's face it - every other weekend is not long to spend with your child, so I think you kind of need to expect that on those weekends, you might not get much of a look in. Sorry OP :(

OPs DP has her every weekend, rather than EOW, though, and she barely sees him during the week, so essentially that means she never gets a look in. This is why I wouldn't date someone who had their kid more than EOW! Obviously it's a positive thing for their relationship with the child, but if they don't have any free time without them then what's the point?

This!
get out now

Nothing wrong with him wanted to have his DD as much as he possibly can. She is and should be his 1st priority.

Nothing wrong with you not wanting to be de facto childcare nor wanting to have 'couple time'. Married/living with couples want 'couple time', why shouldn't you?

Problem is, you want mutually exclusive things and they really aren't things that can be compromised on. My advice is to end the relationship. Not because either of you is 'wrong', but because what you want out of a relationship just isn't compatible with what he wants out of a relationship.

Your situation is exactly why I decided early on not to get involved with men who had children. Nothing wrong with a man having children, nothing wrong with me not wanting to be a step-mum. But I didn't want to get myself emotionally entangled only to find that a man was looking for 'childcare' or to have him break it off when he realized that wasn't what I was planning to do.

Sorry to be harsh OP but he is being lazy and using you as free childcare.

It is much easier for him to have you both at his house for two reasons. One is he doesn't have to be arsed to make time to see you separately. Lazy because he can see you both at the same time regardless of the desire you and his DD might have of one on one time with him. Two, he can slowly start to put you in the place of caregiver while he works or sleeps. He'll start to do it more and more.

The other is is, he's a shift worker. I would never date a shift worker, especially one whose shifts rotate between day and night.
So he has a daughter and he's a shift worker. Not really the recipe for a full-on relationship with plenty of time and fun involved.

Again sounds like you are blaming the OP for choosing to date a shift worker. How about blaming the actual shift worker for dating while being a shift worker. With each and every post you make, you always find a way to blame the woman and make out it's all her fault, when he had choices too.

It’s worth pointing out again that OP is not a step mum. She’s his dads girlfriend. They don’t live together.
The idea that this means she has taken on some responsibility is ridiculous.

all of this. well said.

OP - I mean this gently, it's not said to scold you in any way - but ... you are NOT DD's stepmother. You have been dating your partner for 2 years & do not live together. She's your partner's child, you are not - & should not be expected to! - be in any parental role toward her.

How convenient that your partner made time for you until he had to positioned to take up his slack. He decided he wanted to work longer hours to save money. Instead of making childcare arrangements with his ex or a paid third party ... he just expected you to step in.
He's taking you for a mug.
Deep down you know this is true, because of the intense manipulation & negging he subjects you to if you have the temerity to try to discuss the situation.
He refuses to come to your place & make time for the two of you as a couple. But bitches at you, expects you to parent his DD as if she were yours, while he ... sleeps in late!

As PP have said, he is setting you up.
Do you feel valued, heard, respected?
Nope.

And no - this does not have to be the reality of having a stepchild. With a decent dad, who respects his partner, you can reach happy compromises & he would still make time to prioritise you. Your reality is that your partner is using you.

Have you tried talking to him about this?

I have. This is called creating problems. He says I'm at home anyway so why wouldn't I want to watch her? She is polite, easygoing and also loves spending time with me so she won't be a burden, I will only need to give her some food, which isn't too much to ask. And I've to appreciate he is working hard and this is for our future.

He is a controlling, manipulative, entitled shit OP. Sorry.
His DD said she would want to say with me instead going back to her mum. He replied it's okay but he will ask her mum if she was happy with it. Mum of course said yes and I was the last person in here who was asked if I wouldn't mind stating with his DD! It was done in front of DD too so I felt I couldn't say no because she would feel rejected and upset and that's the last thing I would want for her.
See? Manipulation.
You know this, & it's good you are posting here for a sense-check. Keep doing so!

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
See? Control.
Also DARVO - the standard refuge of the unreasonable twat -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

That's why I feel used and my time taken for granted because well yeah, what else I would want to be doing? I should drop everything because they want me to. And If I say no, it's me creating problems
See? Entitlement.

I don't think you need to LTB over his DD. I think you need to LTB because he's a shit, & you need time to find yourself again.

For the love of God, ditch this manipulative arsehole! Today! He's a user. Don't be used.