'Autistic' friend draining me

[CowardlyNewName]

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

FFS! That was supposed to have posted onto the relationships board.

You have to lay down very firm boundaries, and whether she likes it or not is not your responsibility. She will continue to walk all over you only if you allow it.

I think she will need very VERY clear messages about how this is affecting you and cast iron boundaries. And tbh I don’t think this sounds like autism behaviour and falls squarely under cheeky cow.

I think you need to have designated "not to be disturbed" times where you don't answer the phone and stick to it. Do your best not to feed the behaviour and look after yourself.

She should just be grateful you’re paying for her subscription. Tell her it’s her responsibility to fix her own app.

How do I do that? EG with the phone, I've told her I don't like it but she keeps doing it. I don't answer the landline so she'll ring the mobile and if I don't answer that after multiple attempts she'll ring DH or DD to get them to contact me. She needs to talk to me now, and to her that's all that seems to matter.

No constructive ideas but just wanted to say how painful for you and what an attention-seeking idiot your friend is.

I guess the only thing you can do is tell her that her behaviour is causing you huge stress and she needs to stop. You need to say this every time.

Why are you friends with her? Sounds so one sided and you're clearly unhappy

Your a lot nicer than m, i'd tell her to fuck off... sorry

I think you need to be clear. Phone calls cause anxiety and you will not be answering. Is there some way you can block her from calling but not block from messaging? Tell her you will answer texts between 8-9 or something.
But she sounds like a cheeky cow to be honest. Yes not watching something might cause her anxiety. So she should sort out a subscription herself or record and watch on catch up so she has a buffer to sort out issues etc. Not put it all on you. You're not her carer or support person. Do you think you can still be friends? Once you've got into this type of dynamic it can be hard to get out of it

To be honest, it has become very one sided. It started when her son was born. She went full on PFB and the entire world now revolves around her and her son. She wasn't like this anywhere near as much before then.

I would block her, honestly.

A friendship isn’t a friendship when it’s all take and no give.

I would send a message saying, I’m sorry you feel that way about using my app, I will remove you as a user so that you may get your own app and increase your sense of control over your viewing practices.

Right now I have a lot going on, I plan to take some time out to recharge. I likely won’t be around for the foreseeable future.

Then I would block her.

Tell DH and DD not to answer her either.

And just as I'm posting that my landline is ringing.

And now the mobile is going off.

if I don't answer that after multiple attempts she'll ring DH or DD to get them to contact me.

honestly, you're trying to set reasonable boundaries with someone who's behaving unreasonably.

your DH and DD should block her on their phone - she's acting nuts.

@Mamette 's post is perfect. Just block her number, all of you - and stop pandering to her. It has obviously taken a long time to get to this point but now you have a responsibility to yourself and our family to put boundaries up and take back control.

Sounds v draining for you

unlplgu the landline. put her on DND on your phone then send her a message saying "I cannot handle you, it's too draining. please give me some space." and frankly STOP jumping every time she clicks her fingers. this is a really toxic dynamic.

do you even like her?
what do you get out of this "friendship"?
would you let a stranger talk and behave this way to you? a colleague?

why do you let your "friend" dictate your life like this?

Block her. DH and DD to Block her too.

Tell her you're doing it

Tell her if she comes round toy wont answer the door

Tell her that you need 6 months break from her because you can't cope with her

Do it today

Don't back down for 6 months

that sounds very frustrating, OP. Presumably you have your own routines and strategies? It depends if you want to keep her as a friend or not.

If not you need to communicate to her that the app is no longer available to her, and that she is not to call you. (block her number to be sure)

Can you just not answer the phone? or does the ringing annoy you?

YABU to keep reinforcing her behaviour. Stop answering the phone when it doesn't suit you, don't let her lecture you about her needs, don't let her dump her IT problems onto you. "I am busy." "I can't help you with that." "This is not a good time." Nice and clear.

She’s being incredibly rude, inappropriate and upsetting to you - and your family.

So why are you worried about being straight forward (not rude) to her?

She couldn’t care less about your feelings and needs. So stop prioritising hers over your own.

What have you got to lose? At ‘worst’, a load of annoying phone calls. Result. 🤷🏻‍♀️

i know you are all right, but I can't block her/cut her out completely. It would kill her and I can't hurt someone that much. We're both immigrants in a non English speaking country. I have DH, my adult DD, and DS and some other friends. She has absolutely nobody but her very young son. She can't return to her home country because of her son but she is totally alone here.

OP - I’ve had similar - not with autism but trauma.

I read a book about consent and it really helped me lay down boundaries. I’ll look it up if it’s something you are interested in reading.

Block her is good but do explain you are doing it and explain why (or offer one chance of new boundaries).

She's not your friend, she is exploiting your good nature and relying on your own autism that you won't notice this is what is happening.

You might be interested in this article. autisticandunapologetic.com/2020/02/23/autism-exploitation-how-to-spot-it-and-how-to-make-it-stop/