'Autistic' friend draining me

[CowardlyNewName]

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

Turn your phone off. Buy another phone and do t give her the number. It’s easy once you decide that is what you are going to do. You are allowing her to do this to you, so you must be tough and make from decisions. Tell dd and dh that they are not to answer her calls and block her number.

It's bullying. She knows you're ignoring her and she doesn't like it so she'll just get more persistent, calling your family as well. That's really not nice behaviour.
I have a friend like this but not half as bad. I've had to explain to her that when I'm not in a good place myself, I retreat. I don't like to talk or communicate (other than immediate family of course). It's sad your friend is on her own but that's not your fault or responsibility. Get your family to block her at the very least and put your phone on silent. Only answer when/if you want to.

Having autism doesn't preclude somebody from being an arsehole.

She is using you.

I am sorry but she using an undiagnosed illness to control you. You have been
extremely kind to her, but you must stop now. Tell her you will talk to her, at times of your choosing but if she continues her present behaviour, you will have no choice but to block her. You really must consider yourself and your family and take control of the situation. Also advise her to see her GP and get an accurate diagnosis, her behaviour is nothing short of coercive bullying.

I know what this feels like. It escalates. Soon, she will involve your husband. You will get calls in the middle of the night "Someone is outside/I'm afraid of the thunder" etc) You will be afraid to answer the phone, answer the door, look at emails - you will never know when you can have a week without the pestering - and you never will - it will accelerate. I wasted 5 years on someone like this who pretended to be a friend but basically sucked the life out of me when I already had a terminally ill father and a sick husband to deal with.

Her list of guilt trips and demands became greater: "My laptop isn't working - could you help me?" "There's a mouse in ,my kitchen - help" "Please could you come over and do..." "I need you to help me with..." "Can your DH come over and....." "I am all alone and have no-one but you or I wouldn't ask"... She had a lot of money, a nice house, a gardener and a daily cleaner.

One day, she rang asked me to mow her lawn as her gardener had quit and I said no, I could not do that. She then went behind my back and rang my DH at work and said she needed him to mow her lawn. I flipped out. She was trying to draw in my DH and I finally snapped. I went round to see her and told her never to contact my family again by any method, never, ever to contact me again for any reason at all, never to call at my home for any reason, ever; and I would not be seeing her ever again. The next day I got an email "Are you really not going to see me any more?" and I replied that I had made that crystal clear. I marked her email address as spam and blocked her on landline and mobile.

I can't tell you the relief! I felt no guilt. It's all about her, can you see? She doesn't care about you or your life at all.
Let her go. 🌻

Just block her for four hours every evening. She’ll get used to not calling you.

Boundaries.
Also she cannot blame everything on autism. Im undiagnosed autistic but I do not allow it to define me!

I am reading all the messages. Thank you everyone. I'm feeling very overwelmed right now. She's tried to ring on both phones again but I've turned the sound off on them both, so they still light up and I can see someone is ringing but it's easier to ignore.

You're all right, boundaries. I'm working on them. I've already trained myself not to ask her questions that open up the door to emotional dumping on me when we're together. It doesn't always work, but it's in progress.

I don't think the post berating me for not instantly changing what I do are fair. One, life isn't always that easy. Two, did you miss the bit where I said I was autistic? I have to process what's being said, I can't instantly transition from one of thinking to another. I'm trying, sorry if that's good enough for you.

Not your problem.

Sad for her. But presumably she didn't end up in this other country by chance?

Either way, her self-diagnosed problems aren't yours to have to fawn over.

OP - I really feel for you. It's so incredibly disrespectful to hound someone like this. And the fact that she keeps calling is a sign that actually, she knows perfectly well that you are CHOOSING not to answer. Because if I ring someone and they don't answer, I assume they are busy, or can't hear their phone, or out and therefore don't try again.

Sometimes you just have to cut free the albatross around your neck. Then breathe a sigh of relief. They invariably move on to another very quickly.

It’s very hard sometimes to put yourself first. If it helps, think of it like going to the dentist or flossing but for your brain. If she calls and you don’t want to speak to her rather than feeling bad for ignoring, consciously decide that your happiness is more important in that moment and it’s something you have to do. If she calls DH or DD say that you can’t talk right now. Reply and say sorry can’t talk right now, free tomorrow at 5. Space out the time between calls. That is, if you feel that you cannot block her completely which is an option.

If you don't want to break off altogether you need to tell her exactly what to do.

For example:

• You can ring me on the land line on a Monday at 8pm. I will talk to you for an hour. After that I will ring off.
• Do not ring me at any other time except in an emergency, meaning an emergency where you need me to give some practical help not just to talk.
• Do not ring me on my mobile phone except in an emergency.

You decide what you can cope with, and tell her exactly what that is.

If she can't cope with that then yes, you will have to block her and end the friendship.

I see something like this happening with my friend, she is being taken the piss out of and being drained emotionalky, she can't even go outside her front door without being accosted for an hour about their problems and then she's being asked to take them places and do things when they are very capable and to top it off have slagged her off behind her back but I don't say a word because it's always the messenger that gets shot!

OP, I really feel for you, you sound so well meaning but definitely overwhelmed.

I think you should decide what you want from this situation, do you want to keep her as a friend change this dynamic or is the friendship through for you? Both will be tough but you need to explain to her how you are feeling and what you need to change or why you need to end the friendship.

Take time to think about what you want to say from your pov and how you are feeling. Plan what you are going to say, this will help you with the confrontation. I would put in context of 'i Al feeling overwhelmed' 'i get anxious during phonecalls and would rather communicate via this.'

it will never be an easy conversation and I suspect she may overwhelm you and contradict what you say. But if she invalidates your feelings she is definitely not worth keeping around, the friendship cannot exist solely on her terns.

jumping every time she clicks her fingers. this is a really toxic dynamic

This is succinct. Perhaps you might use it to explain to her how your relationship has come to feel? Your family could block her on their phones, but I can see that if you do, it's the end of your friendship.

(My dd is autistic)

If you need a bit of space to think. Tell her you're not feeling well and please stop ringing. (Tell dh and dd you're doing this)

If she can't respect this reasonable boundary then she's not a friend.

OP ignore those who are sniping just because you haven't taken their advice. People are allowed to ask for advice without being obligated to take it.

I personally think it's worth laying it on the line with her about how unfairly she's treating you, and how it's affecting you (she shouldn't need telling, but if she is autistic and/or very preoccupied with her own issues atm, she may not be viewing her own actions clearly), and saying that you can't cope with this and if things don't change you will have to part ways. If she doesn't then get the message and continues to mistreat you in this way then block - she's been warned.

Do you have any baby groups in your area? Could you encourage her to go along to those? She needs to meet more people.

I would send her a message when she calls - just say "Sorry, I'm really busy so can't talk now". That's all you need to do. Then if she calls on your other line, just ignore it.

I really feel for you - she must be driving you nuts!

She isn't your friend. If she once was, she isn't now.
Tell her you see time has come to speak plainly, you don't want to talk to her. She doesn't consider your needs and due to your autism you are overwhelmed so you need to step back from the friendship for the foreseeable future. Passing some 'Blame' onto your autism might make her appreciate people don't think oh well you've thrown the word autism around so do whatever you like.

Agree with pp that texting is a good form of communication. Just text “not a good time” and if she calls other family members instruct them to say that you said it’s not a good time. Building firm boundaries over time might get you to a friendship level you can cope with, if you genuinely do want to keep it.

well done not picking up the phone!

Please give your DH and daughter a stock phrase to use when they call her. You can choose your own of course but I suggest "as you know, cowardlynewname finds the phone difficult. If she's not answering it's because she can't deal with it today, so please give her space"

Send her a text 'I'm busy, can't talk'. If she persists then send her a message telling her to stop calling. Teach your dh and dc to say ' She's busy right now, can I take a message'. She won't learn that she is unreasonable if you apologise for not being there.

If she turns up with things to fix just say 'I think it's best if you get a professional to deal with this, I don't know what I'm doing and it makes me anxious that I might do the wrong thing'

Send her a message outlining that you feel the friendship has become one-sided and that you feel more like her support worker than a friend. You would really like it if she could stop putting you in that position and just be your friend again. If she choses yo get offended and walk away that's her problem.

OP I have had to deal with telling a friend to back off and it seemed almost impossible. I discussed things with a few other friends and they all said block her, tell her to stop. I just found the thought of it too difficult to contemplate. They became irritated with me because I didn't feel capable of doing it.

However, it got worse and in the end, I told her that we needed to have a serious chat. I explained that the things she was doing (different from yours) were really upsetting me and while she thought she was being helpful it was the reverse and was causing me unhappiness and even anger at her refusal to accept my decisions. Her response was 'I'm only trying to help'. I had to explain several times that no, you are not helping, you are doing the reverse. After a longish time and several repeats, she agreed not to interfere any more. She does, of course but at a level which I can manage and we are still in contact.

How about inviting her to your house when your husband is there. He can support you and reinforce what you want for the future. Or could you agree what you want to achieve with DH previously and for him to tell her?

Whatever you do, I hope it gets resolved.

I know you're processing things right now, but I want to highlight something you've said and for you to think of how she treats you, it's not at all the same way:
I can't block her/cut her out completely. It would kill her and I can't hurt someone that much.
She's hurting you by refusing to accept your boundaries, she's making you stressed and miserable.