'Autistic' friend draining me

[CowardlyNewName]

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

I had (well still have but to a much lesser extent) someone in my life like this (family member) - they would just turn up at the house when it suited them (even though I was working from home and it was during working hours and had been asked not to do this); alternate ring the landline and my mobile until it was answered; their IT issues were absolute emergencies and I needed to drop everything now to sort them. Showed the help was very one-sided on several occasions.

I remember being shocked when my counsellor suggested that I simply don't answer the door when they just turned up. 'I couldn't do that!' was my initial reaction - it absolutely isn't now! I would try and state boundaries nicely but they were just ignored e.g. can you ring first to check we're in/it is convenient before coming round? They would then ring and if we didn't answer they would come round anyway - as with their reasoning they had done what was asked. Same with the phone - 'can you please just leave a message rather than ringing and ringing?'. Nope, well, at the very best it would be a message saying can I get back to them asap and then the ringing continued anyway.

Eventually the counselling working and I learnt to state AND enforce boundaries clearly. I don't ring back if they don't leave a message stating why they are ringing; I don't answer the door if they just turn up; I don't just sort out all their IT issues for them etc. All a bit too late unfortunately, I (well we) just don't like them after all the years of this crap (and the rest!).

You don't need to block them but you do need to decide what your boundaries are, clearly state them and then enforce them consistently. Fully expect to have to enforce them even after you've stated them and be resistant to emotional manipulation. If they want to continue a relationship with your they really do need to start showing you that your boundaries are important and they will respect them.

It does sound a bit more borderline personality disorder than autism. I had a friend like this who wanted to use me as her personal counsellor with no thought to my feelings at all. And I was the single autistic mum while she was married. She’d managed to alienate everyone else and I was the only idiot who put up with her behaviour.

But what I would say is that if I was in her situation I’d be terrified, being stuck responsible for a small child in a foreign country. Maybe she becomes really anxious when she can’t get hold of you.

Is she actually British, OP? I'd be using the word 'harassment' and getting your husband and daughter to block her number.
It is technically harassment, albeit masquerading as 'friendship' in her eyes.
You have your own life, your own family, and your own problems. She's being way too demanding and intrusive. I know it's hard, but she will carry on (and escalate her behaviour) unless it's made very plain to her that this behaviour is totally unacceptable.
Purely speaking personally, I'd be blocking her from using the tv app. That would be a start.
It is nothing to do with you that she's on her own, and l wonder if this behaviour has happened with other friends, and they've pulled the plug on her, hence her feeling isolated.
I've had a family member behave like this in the past (albeit to a much lesser degree), not with me (I was living 100 miles away) but demanding another family member go and sort out something ludicrously petty (one lightbulb had gone when there were four more working in the same room) late at night when the person was alone with small children in the house and no car available.
I'm pretty sure your family will back you up on this. She's pestering them as well, and it's totally unacceptable.
Your priority has to be yourself, your wellbeing and your family. She can't see that, she has blinkers on about the whole situation. All she cares about is herself.

Your DH and DD can certainly block her. I'm not sure why she even has their numbers. She doesn't need them.

Whether she is autistic or not I have no idea, but she sounds like an absolute pest, and certainly not the sort to take hints. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you do need to block her. She won't leave you in peace otherwise and she'll drive you to distraction.

Tell her first that you have to remove her name from the account for your app because, as someone already suggested, she really needs her own account for this. Tell her too that it's no good bringing her computer or other devices to you. If she tries that one then yes, just scream at her that you are "not the fucking IT helpdesk!" Why the fuck not?

Then block her on the phone, on social media and messaging systems. If (or more likely when) she turns up at your home then you either don't answer the door, or DH tells her you aren't there. Personally, I'd tell her to bugger off.

I don’t understand why people are suggesting that if the friend calls the OP’s DH or DD, they should say X, Y, Z to the friend…?

Why should they engage with the friend at all?

She’s using them to get to the OP. They either block her, or just don’t answer the calls.

Simple, surely?

…or DH tells her you aren't there

Why….?

I just don’t understand this reasoning.

Just don’t answer the door. I’m not usually one to advocate ignoring people at the door - believe me - but this is unusual circumstances.

What is the point in involving family members in the drama?? Leave them out of it.

Annoying friend is going to get far more out of engaging with the DH, than she will out of being completely ignored.

Is she actually British, OP?

What a weird question. Why is that relevant?

I'm British, she's German and we live in a third country. We met at a class to learn the local lingo.

For whoever asked, she didn't think she was autistic until she met me. In a lot of ways we are very similar and I wouldn't be surprised at all if she gets a diagnosis. She only really started to say she was autistic and seek formal diagnosis after her DS was born. She believes some areas of my life are easier than hers because of my diagnosis and she thinks she needs the extra support I get and her DS needs the extra support my autistic DS gets.

For example, where we live childcare is state funded and you can only use it if you're working or studying. She works in a school so cannot send her DS during the holidays and she gets overwhelmed. I'm allowed to send my DS whenever I need to because of my disability but also whenever he needs to because of his. She wants to be able to do the same. And to be fair, I think she needs it as I've seen the absolute state she gets into.

I wouldn't answer but text her to say that you don't want to answer the phone due to your autism and the anxiety it cause but if she wants to text you'll reply (if you don't mind replying). Then just never answer the phone to her and put that message every time. Once she knows you don't pick up she'll hopefully stop calling so much.

@NurseBernard OK, I'll rephrase. If DH wanted to answer the door then he would have to say OP wasn't there. Is that better for you? I did also say that personally I would tell her to bugger off.

Some people do feel uncomfortable not answering the door when someone is there.

Another possibility is getting a a Ring or Eufy doorbell. That way you can see via an app on your phone who is there and decide whether to answer it or not.

I'm British, she's German

At the risk of getting my ass handed to me on my plate for "stereotyping" - the above statement throws some light on this.
I have lived in Austria for a long time and have a lot of German friends (as well as Austrian friends of course, but they are not quite the same) and also regularly work with Germans.
I am absolutely not saying everyone is the same BUT there is a very definite cultural difference in the way Germans communicate and do business/organize social life.
It took me quite a long time to get used to this. In general, they are very direct, very clear about what they want to happen and will continue to phone, message etc. until they get an answer about whatever it is.
It can come across as pushy and irritating to people accustomed to a more British way of doing things. And on the other hand, the Germans don't really get British politeness or British unspoken rules of communication/behaviour. They do not get subtle hints. They do not understand people not phoning back - they wouldn't think this meant that someone didn't want to communicate with them about whatever it is - so they will keep phoning and messaging.

I found it all very difficult at first until I realized none of it was personal and none of it was "rude" behaviour, even though it probably would be considered that in the UK. They don't see it as "rude" - it's normal for them.
I had to get over my inhibitions of being "rude" and learn to be equally direct and to give an absolutely clear "no" if I did not want to do something and also to set very clear boundaries - eg. "Do not phone me on a Sunday because that is my day off".
I had a lot of bother with clients constantly phoning at weekends, and early in the morning until late at night. Had to bite the bullet there and send out a very strict "I can be reached at the following times. Do not phone outside of these hours as your call will not be answered".

TL:DR Leaving aside whether she is autistic or not, she is from a different culture as far as communication goes and the only way to deal with it is to be very forthright, clear and direct, even if you find that uncomfortable because it is not what you are used to.

To be honest @dcontour I think there is some truth in what you say. I think her German directness is part of why we've been friends a long time. As an autistic person I don't have to constantly try to understand vague hints and behaviours. But I think it goes beyond that. This isn't my first thread, I'm embarrassed to admit.

An example, she pretty much always comes to us for Christmas. When she got with her BF he started coming too. Last year I asked if she was going home to Germany post covid. She said she was coming to mine. German directness that I like. No messing about.

But then a few weeks later she told me her now exBF had his kids for Christmas so it'd be 5 coming. And that flummoxes me. Is that normal German directness? The assumption that not only is her ex invited but he can bring all his kids along? I think that's quite cheeky fuckery. But I eventually made it clear him and his kids weren't invited.

All of that I can deal with. That's just her being her.

But then it goes to another level and that's the bit I can't deal with. She'll argue with me about her ex not coming. Not in an angry or heated way. In a 'yeah but no but' kind of way. 'But ex wants to spend time with his son at Christmas. It's the first time he'll have the chance to have them all. Poor DS will be so sad if he doesn't see his Daddy' etc on and on and on. Until I want to say that forget it, Christmas is now cancelled forever. That's the part that exhausts me.

It takes two to argue - so if she proposes something like bringing 5 people for Christmas, you say 'no'. If she continues then it's 'no - the matter is closed' on repeat. Don't get into reasons, excuses or any other discussion. No, the matter is closed.

She is being a cheeky fucker telling you that 5 people are coming to Christmas.
So you have to tell her, directly and clearly so that there can be no mistake that that is not happening. No, I will not be hosting 5 people so you will have to make other arrangements.
And then keep repeating it until she gets the message.

If she keeps going on about poor DS being with his Daddy for Christmas or whatever just say that you have already told her several times that you won't be hosting them all so they will ALL need to make alternative arrangements and that you will no longer be discussing the matter because you have made it perfectly clear that this arrangement is not acceptable to you.

I’d tell her to pee off (in less polite terms!) followed with a quick sweet “Oops sorry, that’s my autism there, no filter teehee! no seriously P OFF.”
(I say this kindly as the probably autistic mum of two confirmed autistic kids!)

I agree with setting tight contact boundaries. If she can’t stick to them, withdraw. Good luck xx

Did you put up a thread about that Christmas situation @CowardlyNewName as I am sure I remember it.
She’s a huge CF. Protect your energy and your family. She’s not really a friend, she’s all take take take

Yes I did @Noshowlomo under a different user name.

Quick update, she kept ringing me again on Thursday. DH answered when he got in and told her I was in bed as not feeling great. She knows I shutdown like this when I'm not coping so it gave some breathing space as then she stopped.

I've messaged her since saying sorry for not taking the calls, feeling overwhelmed and that she can message me if she needs to. She messaged back saying she hopes I feel better soon. I know some will think I've been a bit pathetic but I feel that this sets the stage for now always ignoring her calls and only replying to messages without burning the entire theatre down.

So now as we move closer to Christmas my thoughts are moving towards boundaries for that because that's also become a 'the world revolves around me' hotspot with this friend. I've allowed her to take too much and I need to rein her back in there too.

Well done op! Could you possibly not invite her for Christmas? Just say you want a close immediate family day?

Definitely start by telling her that this Xmas will be just your family. She will have to make other arrangements.
She could go to her ex BF - after all she wanted him and his children to be hosted by you! (Fucking weird)

Stick to your guns on this. Start the new year as you mean to go on - with boundaries

I don't mind her coming for Christmas. What really pissed me off last year, beyond the ex bit, was that she turned up an hour late. She did message me and say start without her but that not ok at Christmas is it? It set me on edge. She turned up just as we were about to clear away the main course. So instead of enjoying pudding we all sat there while she faffed about serving herself cold roast potatoes and getting DH to make cheese sandwiches (which wasn't eaten) for her DS who has food issues.

I was so annoyed but being British I seethed silently and am still annoyed now a year on. So she can still come but I need to make it crystal clear she's very welcome but only if she comes on time.

Her excuse for being so late, she needed quiet time because of her autism. Germans do Christmas on the 24th. She had her Christmas with the ex and his kids on the 24th. They stayed over and left late on the 25th so she needed to 'regain her calm' before she came to ours. So she was late because she was chillin'. Absolutely oblivious to the fact that her 'need' for calm doesn't trump everyone else's need to not feel disrespected.

Nope. She wouldn’t be coming at all! Lateness any time is rude. Lateness on Christmas Day when someone has been cooking you a delcious meal… nope!!!
quiet time my arse… she doesn’t give you that!

quiet time my arse… she doesn’t give you that!

😂You're absolutely right.

I create calm in the chaos of Christmas with miltary level planning. For Christmas day itself I have a laminated, minute by minute time plan that comes out every year. It helps me to stay calm because when I start to feel panicked I can look at it and see exactly where I'm at, where I should be, and what if anything needs doing. Everyone in the house uses it to ground themselves and also muck in as they can see what needs doing. We're an autistic household, everyone has a diagnosis. So someone disrupting the time plan stresses everyone.

We're an autistic household, everyone has a diagnosis. So someone disrupting the time plan stresses everyone.

Then sounds as if your friend can't join you. She is too disruptive and she will need to spend Christmas somewhere else. You can't meet everybody's needs and she is stopping you from meeting your own family's needs. Really if she has autism and wants help then she needs to get her own diagnosis and her own support. You can't compensate for that.

She sounds not just autistic but also quite narcissistic. Everything is about her and her own needs and her child's needs. Whereas you have been bending over backwards to meet her needs as well as everyone else's in your family.