'Autistic' friend draining me

[CowardlyNewName]

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

You're right, but the narcissistic side is a relatively new development. Or at least this level is. That's why I'm going to give her one more chance having made my boundaries clear. We've had loads of drama free Christmases. I was tolerant of the flakiness of the first two after her DS was born as I knew she was really struggling as he wasn't an easier baby. Then we had covid so no Christmas and then last year's, where she was still not respecting our time but no longer had the new baby excuse. Which is why it pissed me off. But she would never have been like this before.

Crikey, I have read some of this thread and there are quite a few diagnoses being thrown around. Sometimes these things can be boiled down to 'do I like being with this person and do they bring mostly pleasant stuff to my life or am I being used as their dispenser for crap?' She doesn't sound like a joy to be around OP, she could have given you ample warning about the chillin time she needed, as this must be a known factor for her. Then you could have stated that lunch starts at 1, and that you prefer everyone to be there for this time so the meal isn't interrupted (this is completely reasonable) and then she can either say she would have been there on time or she could choose to spend the whole day in her necessary alone time. I had a friend in the past who functioned in a similar way, everyone was expected to understand why she needed to do everything her own way in her world, we are no longer friends as she wanted me to orbit around her and I realised that I couldn't. There was no reciprocity.

Sounds to me like she deliberately sabotaged your Xmas day plan to be centre stage.

She's not vulnerable. She's a twat.

You have to do what you feel comfortable with. But if Im being honest you do come across as a little scared mouse

Let's give her one more chance to see if she can treat me like shit one more time

And then the next time....and then the next.

I probably am a little scared mouse. Social issues terrify me. But I'm an extremely stubborn little scared mouse. Once my thoughts are clear and there's a plan in place I'm extremely rigid. My difficulty is getting my thoughts clear when someone is tying me up in knots. This thread is helping me clarify my thoughts and draw that line in the sand.

It might help if you think about the fact that you’re inconveniencing your DH and DC to cater to this person. Putting up with her nonsense yourself is up to you, but making them put up with it seems rather unfair.

Hi there @CowardlyNewName - we've moved this over to the Relationships topic now, where you'd originally wanted it to land. Hope that helps.

This is what has motivated me over the years when i have come across cockwombles. Also the idea that I can teach my children how they can be in the world

Couldn't agree more, why do you put this person above your family? Why do they get their Christmas ruined - not to mention the all-year-round hassle of phone calls - just so you can give her 'one more chance'? Your family will remember your priorities. You might think you friend will too, but she won't.

If you have a new 'line in the sand' for your friend OP, make sure it doesn't involve your family in any way at all.

My mum obtained a "friend" like yours since lockdown. She started doing a weekly shop for an elderly, anxious friend of a friend, and it was a huge mistake unfortunately. This lady now calls her most days of the week and almost always wants something, usually a lift somewhere. Once it was "I fancy fish and chips tonight, could you go round and collect them for me"!

My mum is a bit of a doormat but did set one boundary which is that she couldn't call on weekends before 10am... but this lady doesn't care and will call at 8:45, 9:00, just as she likes. She was ringing the house phone which woke both of my parents up. Eventually we all got so pissed off about it that we blocked her number on the landline. She can still call my mum's mobile, and does - if there is a way to block numbers only during certain times of day, I think my mum would use it.

Anyway, my point is that sometimes if a friend can't or won't get the message about something that bothers you, you just need to unilaterally stop them doing it any more if that's possible. You don't need to ask them nicely for an eighth time, just block them.

@Hont1986 if she has an iPhone then you can set a do not disturb and tag phone numbers

I can sympathise as to why you feel so obligated to her, given her situation, but this has gone too far. She has an entitlement and dependency on you that is unlike healthy friendship.

What's important to understand OP, is that unpleasant or even abusive people can be vulernable or have been subject to past abuse themselves. This does not mean in any way that you'll have to also suffer being in their company. It is not your responsibility. She's an adult, not a child. You sound as if you're almost intimidated by her.

But it's just a quick question

This type of person is stressful for many people to deal with. They're constantly pushing boundaries and you fear the emotional punishment, rant or sulking that will follow your 'no'.

because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working

Here's your option with the app -

a) Stop it immediately. Say you are no longer are subscribed to it because you don't find it of value anymore, and will not be subscribing just on her behalf no matter what she says. Do not get drawn into any offer of money to contribute.

b) Say that you're happy to carry on with her on the app, but you find her demands or requests for help stressful, and that if you have to deal with her having problems using it again, you'll regrettably have to deny her access for your own peace of mind.

She's not going to like either of these options, so take a deep breath and don't be drawn into arguments about it.

I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question

Is it possible for you to put her on 'mute' instead of blocking her? That would allow you to check in on her message every few days. You'll probably have to tell her that you're doing this for your own emotional wellbeing though as she will just otherwise turn up to your house.

I'm afraid to be able to contain this, you'll have to risk losing her friendship, or upsetting her. She won't like it at all if you put your foot down and assert some communication boundaries.

But then a few weeks later she told me her now exBF had his kids for Christmas so it'd be 5 coming. And that flummoxes me. Is that normal German directness? The assumption that not only is her ex invited but he can bring all his kids along? I think that's quite cheeky fuckery. But I eventually made it clear him and his kids weren't invited

All of that I can deal with. That's just her being her

But then it goes to another level and that's the bit I can't deal with. She'll argue with me about her ex not coming. Not in an angry or heated way. In a 'yeah but no but' kind of way. 'But ex wants to spend time with his son at Christmas. It's the first time he'll have the chance to have them all. Poor DS will be so sad if he doesn't see his Daddy' etc on and on and on. Until I want to say that forget it, Christmas is now cancelled forever. That's the part that exhausts me

The top paragraph is unbelievable. Are you sure she's freidns with you OP? I can't see how there's any room or consideration for you in her mind, if she's the type of person to pull this off.

She's a boundary pusher OP. They often won't take 'no' for an answer because they're either used to getting their own way, or think they should have their own way, all the time. This sense of entitlement gives them great energy to argue people down, and they have little empathy for how this steamrolling makes other people feel. They're stressful and exhausting to deal with. Either don't get into an argument with people like this or keep them at a distance. The distance has worked for me because unfortunately it's the only thing that will make them reconsider their actions. You actually have to take the thing they want (you) away from them in order for them to control themselves or give you more consideration. Sad, but there may not be another way around it. Not sure how you're going to manage it though because she sounds incredibly intense.

Here's your option with the app

I've gone for option 3. I've just subscribed to another app and when the other one expires soon I won't renew it. It's a VPN to unblock geoblocked online content, very common for people to live abroad to access stuff from home. One of her gripes when she rang was she was having to use another one which only allowed half an hour a week free access and it wasn't enough for her to watch the program she wanted. So pay the sodding £2.50 it costs to give unlimited access for a month then!

Not sure how you're going to manage it though because she sounds incredibly intense.

Intense is good way to describe her. I was talking to my DD about it when she (DD) was here at the weekend and whoever mentioned that I sound like I'm intimidated by her is right, I am. Because she is so intense. I also hadn't realised how aggressive she is. Not physically, but in her manner. Even when she's speaking normally, about mundane stuff, there's a very aggressive tone to it.

One time we were out to lunch and she was telling me about some issue with her ex and an elderly gentleman at a nearby table came over and told her to stop speaking to me like that and to stop jabbing her finger at me. I think he thought she was cross at me rather than telling me how cross she was with her ex.

I'm such a bloody idiot. I had an epiphany on the school run on the relevance of the only having half an hour free comment. That VPN is cheap, but more of a pain to use. I know this as I have a subscription to it as a backup because, being autistic, I completely freakout if I can't watch Newsnight with my breakfast. The regular VPN is playing up today so I went to use the back up and the subscription hadn't renewed as my bankcard had expired.

Now it makes sense. She must have winkled that log in out of me at some point and that's why she was ringing me in such a state. 'WHY HAVEN*T YOU PAID THE SUBSCRIPTION SO I HAVE FREE UNLIMITED ACCESS?' Well I've now paid the subscription, changed the password and clicked 'log out on all devices'. No more!

Well done OP!
Steel yourself for her reaction! (Or better yet don't answer her calls / messages.)

Oh goodness. Expect calls/emails/letters/door knocks…. You’re doing the right thing though.

Wow she's beyond a cfer! You need rid. No one should feel intimidated.

Oh OP, she’s not just crossing boundaries, she’s being aggressive and intimidating towards you. PLEASE stop this now and don’t have her over for Christmas. Your DH can tell her she’s not invited if you can’t face it. Please protect yourself from this awful person. 💐

‘We're an autistic household, everyone has a diagnosis. So someone disrupting the time plan stresses everyone.’

This for me is the definitive statement.
It’s not just you going through this trial & assault on your goodwill, it is every single person in your family. So stop this circus now, right now.

If you cannot do so for yourself, then you are to do it for every single person in your family.

It teeters upon a self centred indulgence that you have tolerated & indirectly encouraged this person’s poor & intrusive attitudes towards you & your family.
This year start the family tradition: just us on Christmas Day.
Mum gets the laminate out & we all know how it is going to go on the day.
One day you’ll be happy to have special someones to join you, & you’ll all sing from the same laminate.

One day you’ll be happy to have special someones to join you, & you’ll all sing from the same laminate.

This made me soppy-smile SO HARD @UniversalAunt x

100% behind everyone else - this is cheeky fuckery of the highest order!

The Christmas thing is extraordinarily NOT OK even in a direct culture. I live in one now, and You Just Don't Do That.

Having learned how to cope with direct speaking, I'll interpret one thing

^Quick update, she kept ringing me again on Thursday. DH answered when he got in and told her I was in bed as not feeling great. She knows I shutdown like this when I'm not coping so it gave some breathing space as then she stopped.

I've messaged her since saying sorry for not taking the calls, feeling overwhelmed and that she can message me if she needs to. She messaged back saying she hopes I feel better soon. I know some will think I've been a bit pathetic but I feel that this sets the stage for now always ignoring her calls and only replying to messages without burning the entire theatre down.^

You couldn't cope, so you got your husband to cover for you (fair enough).

Then you said sorry and she can message if she needs to. In English, this means 'i "I didn't want to speak to you, but I feel bad and if you really need to contact me" In a direct culture this means "you're sorry you weren't available, and please go ahead and chat to me".

If this works for you then great. I just want to give you the direct culture's indication. It's really, really hard to change to a more direct style of speech, I know.

Please look at this chart - it's funny but it's also absolutely, 100% accurate and it shows how different the understanding can be!

having said that, her behaviour is extraordinary and not OK in any culture. Just had a problem myself with a vulnerable friend who is pushy to the extreme - now an ex-friend :( It absolutely sucks.

You're absolutely right, I need to change to direct communication. Not easy, but I need to.

This thread is helping me, so don't shout at me everyone, but I took another call from her today by accident. She hasn't called since I sent her the text last Friday. My landline rang and because DS has been unwell and had just gone back to school I answered it. Normally she rings the mobile first so then I know it's her on the landline, so it caught me off guard.

She said that she knows I don't want to take calls but she's been writing all day to the school and didn't want to do anymore so rang instead. FFS! Literally stating that she was making a conscious choice to ignore my boundary. That's not about me being very Britishly indirect is it? I didn't get drawn into her dramatic flapping though so the call was quite short.

Tomorrow I will be buying a new phone as the caller display on the current one doesn't work.

She said that she knows I don't want to take calls but she's been writing all day to the school and didn't want to do anymore so rang instead. FFS!

FFS indeed.

I think this warrants a very overt & clearly stated boundary OP.
"Friend - I'm amazed that you rang me today to let me know that you are fully aware that I'm not up for phone calls at the moment ... but are going to keep ringing me whenever you want to anyway.
So I'm texting you to say DO NOT RING ME AGAIN.
Right now, I don't even want message contact with you.
You've made it clear you don't care about my feelings. SO BACK OFF. I will text you when I am ready. If you ignore my need for space again - I will cut myself off from you.
Your total disregard for my wishes & wellbeing is obvious from your belief that what YOU want will always be more important to you than my comfort. I find that disturbing, & need a break from you. I cannot handle any more intrusion. Leave me alone. I will contact you when I am ready & not before."